All ye oul wans and oul fellas out there! Wakey wakey, rise and shine!

BBDBB · 24-04-2015 10:35am

Great news for you Rube, well done and congratulations

May I suggest that the new strongbox be placed somewhere particularly safe........ooh I don't know, what about over there on those old wooden planks directly over the cellar?

Can anyone lend me a hacksaw btw?

Jellybaby1 · 24-04-2015 2:09pm

Rubecula wrote: »

best add some coffee too for the sleepy oulwans.

Hrummmmph!

Rubecula · 24-04-2015 7:12pm

BBDBB wrote: »

Great news for you Rube, well done and congratulations

May I suggest that the new strongbox be placed somewhere particularly safe........ooh I don't know, what about over there on those old wooden planks directly over the cellar?

Can anyone lend me a hacksaw btw?

* smiles secretively and wires up the electrified anti tamper system*
Hmm this strong box will be a truly shocking experience for vino thieves *manic laugh broken off by a fit of coughing*

Jellybaby1 wrote: »

Hrummmmph!

* leaves the ingredients for a real Irish coffee in easy reach*

BrensBenz · 25-04-2015 1:38pm

Janey Mac, they're on about evil drink again. Better try to distract them with filosof phillo phylosoph sumpt'n to think about:

I used to have an Australian boss - a talented but deeply unpleasant and humourless man. He had a rather small collection of inherited and well-rehearsed jokes or topics that he would trot out whenever he thought it was time to be sociable. In the company of Europeans, Americans or anybody else who drove on the right-hand side of the road he would treat us all to the real reason "whoy woy droyve on thih lift".

It will take too long to translate this into Ozzie but it went something like this: In the chariot and horse and carriage days, the driver steered with his left hand so that his right hand had quick access to his sword, dangling on his left side. (With me so far?) Naturally (???) this encouraged him to sit on the right side of the carriage and pass to the left of oncoming traffic. "Woy" simply carried on this tradition."

On the umpteenth hearing of this, some smartass (ahem) asked whether all other carriage drivers in the world (except Ozzies, All Blacks, Japanese, etc.) were left-handed and carried their swords on their right side or died young from being unprepared for attacks from other chariot drivers.

Undaunted, he carried on regaling us with the story about how brown bears were used to help develop the aircraft ejector seat. It's quite a good story - I'll tell yiz later.

Anyway, fellow smartas...I mean oul fellas and oul wans, could the real reason for the fall of the Roman Empire be that they were driving their chariots on the wrong side of the Via Appia? Did those pesky Celtic Barbarians figure out that the Romans would take longer to grab their swords and sneekily change sides for a while, before reverting to their previous position later? Were the drivers of Wagon Train in constant danger from d'injins, not because their weapons were too far away but because they were sitting on the wrong side of their wagons?

Alternatively, I'd love to know how horses managed for shoes before being domesticated and shod by mankind.

So many questions - so little time.

Rubecula · 25-04-2015 1:52pm

BrensBenz wrote: »

Janey Mac, they're on about evil drink again. Better try to distract them with filosof phillo phylosoph sumpt'n to think about:
Distracting us from drink? You unmitigated swine, I will have Chucken force feed you with her famed Lettuce Soup (actually it is quite nice)

I used to have an Australian boss - a talented but deeply unpleasant and humourless man. He had a rather small collection of inherited and well-rehearsed jokes or topics that he would trot out whenever he thought it was time to be sociable. In the company of Europeans, Americans or anybody else who drove on the right-hand side of the road he would treat us all to the real reason "whoy woy droyve on thih lift". Aussies drive on the left cos we do and we went over there and beat them into submission with a stale halibut on a gear stick

It will take too long to translate this into Ozzie but it went something like this: In the chariot and horse and carriage days, the driver steered with his left hand so that his right hand had quick access to his sword, dangling on his left side. (With me so far?) Naturally (???) this encouraged him to sit on the right side of the carriage and pass to the left of oncoming traffic. "Woy" simply carried on this tradition." Not carried a sword for a little while myself, I find it pokes into the side of the seat a bit

On the umpteenth hearing of this, some smartass (ahem) asked whether all other carriage drivers in the world (except Ozzies, All Blacks, Japanese, etc.) were left-handed and carried their swords on their right side or died young from being unprepared for attacks from other chariot drivers. I thought they carried spears mostly, is that the same thing?

Undaunted, he carried on regaling us with the story about how black bears were used to help develop the aircraft ejector seat. It's quite a good story - I'll tell yiz later. Tell us now I am all interested in how they used to force a big grizzly into a cockpit and 'bang' him out at 50,000 feet

Anyway, fellow smartas...I mean oul fellas and oul wans, could the real reason for the fall of the Roman Empire be that they were driving their chariots on the wrong side of the Via Appia? Did those pesky Celtic Barbarians figure out that the Romans would take longer to grab their swords and sneekily change sides for a while, before reverting to their previous position later? Were the drivers of Wagon Train in constant danger from d'injins, not because their weapons were too far away but because they were sitting on the wrong side of their wagons? The real reason the Roman empire fell was they were laughed at for wearing grey socks with the omnipresent sandels

Alternatively, I'd love to know how horses managed for shoes before being domesticated and shod by mankind. They had wellies, I have it on good authority that they invented them especially for Bog Patrol by the herd

So many questions - so little time.

I can always tell you the truth of the answers

BrensBenz · 25-04-2015 6:58pm

Rubecula wrote: »

I can always tell you the truth of the answers

Many thanks for all of this information / disinformation, Rubecula.

Do yiz really want to know about the brown bears and the ejector seat? This story is best told with arm actions but I'll have a go without:

For the intelligentia reading this, the only way to eject from a broken aircraft is very quickly. Unfortunately, the shock to the body from being blasted from a cockpit can be even more fatal than going down with the ship. An ejector seat actually fires several small rockets, in rapid succession, rather than one humungeous blast, in order to reduce the shock to the pilot's body - a little like ABS which applies / releases / applies / releases the brakes of your car in rapid succession, bringing the car to a halt quicker while maintaining control and direction. Calculating the best interval between the small blasts required the assistance of mammals with a similar spinal structure to humans.

Anyway, once upon a time, in an air force base in Texas, lived a bunch of brown bears, kidnapped from North Dakota. See, the experts laughed when they were told that the spines of primates were similar to human spines. "Oh no", they said. "We need brown bears because THEIR spines and fizzyology are most similar to humans".

The bears were allowed lots of time to feel at home in the air base. The airmen and technicians became fond of the bears. After some weeks, the bears pretty-well had "access all areas" freedom and, since they were fed and comfortable, their bearlike nature was subdued. In fact, each bear had his own 24 hour "crew" of minders who gave them treats, brought them for walks, sang songs for them, etc., and a trust developed between the bears and their minders. Quite touching, really.

One day, an experimental ejector seat was fitted to the tarmac, a safe distance from buildings and surrounded by cameras and technical equipment. Straws had been drawn and his minders lead the lucky bear out of his motel room and strapped him into the ejector seat. Happy as Larry, the bear viewed the panorama and was delighted to be the centre of attention. Then, all Hell broke loose as the seat blasted off the ground and into the stratosphere. Jet exhaust from the ars...I mean bottom of the seat partially cloaked the view but, thank Heavens, the parachute deployed correctly and the seat with its occupant, gently drifted groundward. Apparently unharmed, the bear was released from the seat and waddled off, with his minders, was checked out by vets and pronounced fit and well.

Phew! But of course, one test is only one test. Over the next few weeks, slight adjustments were made to the ejector seat propulsion systems and every bear had a go. Even more tests were required when someone said "We've run out of bears". "Whaddya mean "run out"? None of the bears have been injured so we'll just send them up again." "Uhh, OK."

Now, as you know, while brown bears' noses are phenomenally sensitive, their eyesight isn't great. As the first bear was being walked towards his second trip in the ejector seat, to him, all seemed fine. The sun was shining, he was with his human buddies, breakfast was great - it doesn't get much better than this.

Then, as his focus finally told him he was being lead to the ejector seat again, all friendship and loyalty to his "crew" evaporated. A growl erupted somewhere in his colon and rose, growing in force until it exploded out of his mouth. This blast of air lifted his jowls and revealed two rows of huge and perfect teeth. He stood up to his full eight feet plus and lifted his massive front legs, (arm actions required here) showing two sets of lethal claws. His beautiful soft brown eyes narrowed into blades. Through a red mist, he could see his buddies running away, in all directions, very quickly.

On hearing this distress signal from a member of their own species, several other bears revolted and pretty soon, the entire airbase was a bear only zone. Most of the bears had no idea why but, in support of their furry comrade, all diplomatic relations and co-operation with the humans were withdrawn. When some redneck suggested shooting them and shipping more bears in, there was uproar from the (ex)minders who couldn't "bear" to see their pets being shot.

This took place during the Cold War but fortunately, the Rooskies didn't find out that an American airbase had been down for weeks. However, who knows how many pilots' lives were lost because the development of the ejector seat was delayed while the airmen attempted to make friends with the bears again, if only to round them up and fly them back to North Dakota?

BrensBenz · 26-04-2015 10:36pm

Rubecula wrote: »

The real reason the Roman empire fell was they were laughed at for wearing grey socks with the omnipresent sandels:D

No, I still don't get that. What's wrong with grey socks and sandals? Roman soldiers were probably confined to grey socks with their sandals to preserve military uniformity although, with those skirts made of leather spokes, I'm surprised that anyone would notice their sandals.

Personally, I prefer argyle socks with my sandals, especially the sandals with the velcro straps and bungie soles. The straps match my braces perfectly and the argyle socks, with their nine shades of beige supporting mid-blue diamonds, go with my trilby hat which......oh, I've already told yiz what my trilby does for my driving. Did I tell yiz there's a feather in it?

My English cousins taught me how to make and wear a hankie-hat on the beach and, with the imprint of my vest with the plunging neckline showing through my shirt with the bendy collar, all in all, I strike quite a handsome figure on the beach - a vision in beige, with an air of foreign mystery.

And because I believe in looking after my clothes, I still have and use my one piece, knitted swimming costume. Wimmin swoon and shield their eyes when I appear in that, wearing my socks and sandals to the water's edge. And yes, of course it holds many gallons of water but, because of the ingenious use of knit-one-purl-one, when I emerge from my dip, like Ursula Undress, my woolly cossie covers my legs. I care not a jot that the neckline now reveals my vest with the plunging neckline and the imprint of my belly button. I usually rest a while at the water's edge - well, it gives the ladies a chance to see what they've always wanted and it's difficult to walk when your cossie weighs more than you do.

Oh yes, a trend setter, not an Irish setter, as some Philistine once suggested. And I like to think that I'm preserving a link to those sartorial Romans. It could be a lot worse - imagine if we decided to revive the footwear of the ancient Greek soldier.....with the pom poms!

Jellybaby1 · 27-04-2015 12:15am

Brens, what a vision you conjure up.......and at this late hour too. How will I sleep tonight thinking of you! Ross Poldark eat yer heart out!

:D:D

BrensBenz · 27-04-2015 11:50pm

You know when you're driving along and you notice that the anti-roll bar is getting a little rough and bumpy?
You know when you put off replacing the roll bar linkages because it's such a b@$t@rd job and you can put up with a little bumpiness for a while?
You know when you arrange your NCT and you know the car will fail so you drop into the motor factors for new linkages and rubber doughnuts?
You know when you ramp up your car, slide under it and fit your super-duper, indestructible Torx socket into the first main bolt head and, after several blasts with a heat gun, a few hernias and a damaged super-duper, indestructible Torx socket, the bolt reluctantly comes out? And a little voice in your head says that, "clearly, this job is not going well and maybe, you should give up now before some real damage happens" but you don't because the local mechanic didn't do a great job last time (while I was in hospital)?
You know the relief you feel when the second main bolt comes out without too much protest and the anti-roll bar goes "boing" so you know you won't get the bolts back in so you decide to carry on?
You know when you change sockets to remove the four doughnut screws and three come out but one doesn't?
You know when part of the head sheers off the fourth screw and it starts raining and your legs get soaked?
You know when you drill into the damaged head, breaking two drill bits, finally fit a screw extractor, break the screw extractor, leaving the other piece of the (hardened) screw extractor still jammed in the drilled hole?
You know when all attempts to drill, grind flats and grab it with a vice grips fail and you can hear the broken screw laughing at you?
You know when you decide to sleep on it and, after a good night's rest, you decide that there is no alternative but to grid the entire head off?
You know when grinding the head off, your grinding bit shatters?
You know when you jury rig another grinding bit and eventually remove the head and the roll bar falls onto your face?
You know when you regain consciousness and you now have to figure out how to remove the shank of the broken screw from its threads........and you find that the *)%~}# thing turns out by hand?

Six screws, seven hours, one damaged and grumpy oul fella. Never has so little been achieved for so long by so few.

But yes, the anti-roll bar is now back in place and the smoothness and silence of the mochine have been restored. I'll start replacing all of the broken tools as soon as these cramps, aches, hernias, dental work and black eyes subside.

Rubecula · 28-04-2015 12:07am

Dear lord I have not laughed like that in ages. Why am I laughing? Because that is me all over. Been there done that and never again ...

looksee · 28-04-2015 9:00am

What's an anti-roll bar? *looks innocent*

BrensBenz · 28-04-2015 3:15pm

looksee wrote: »

What's an anti-roll bar? *looks innocent*

A bar with no alcohol?

You know how American cars (barges) float and bounce like Jacobs Mikado (schpring schprong), even after the occupants have climbed out? This is due to American suspension systems - Yanks prefer to add super-soft springs to the cars rather than put springs in the sofas. Unfortunately, these springs are permanent and make it difficult to go around things called corners without capsizing.

In Europe, we have lots of corners and we're in a hurry so we fit sensible springs to cars and seats. However, the suspension still needs a little help going around corners - a dirty great iron plank which stops the springs on one side of the car squashing too much and the springs on the other side of the car stretching too much.

The anti-roll bar / anti-sway bar is the reason you can sip your champagne while careering around the Ring of Kerry. Try that in an Oldsmobile or a Buick!

Lest you think I'm showing off my encyclopaedic knowledge of all things, I'm still trying to figure out why, when American cars crash or drive off cliffs, they always explode at least twice and usually three times. Do they all have two or three very delicate fuel tanks, close enough to sources of sparks to explode the fuel tanks in sequence?

Also, when American electrical equipment fails, why is there always a stream of sparks, smoke and explosion noises. And how does Damage Control always manage to fix it in a matter of seconds? Oi, Festus, try using fuses!

Terms and conditions apply. Yank car makers (eventually) learned a lot from European and Japanese car makers and have now replaced their woopie cushion suspensions with European-style suspensions. Unfortunately, chassis design also contributes to capsize-free cornering but the Yanks haven't figured that one out yet.

looksee · 28-04-2015 3:19pm

Oh, thanks Brenz, I thought it was that bar you have over an open dune buggy or tractor or whatever to stop the vehicle squashing the occupants in the event of it turning upside down. You live and learn (etc).

BrensBenz · 28-04-2015 3:36pm

looksee wrote: »

Oh, thanks Brenz, I thought it was that bar you have over an open dune buggy or tractor or whatever to stop the vehicle squashing the occupants in the event of it turning upside down. You live and learn (etc).

I believe that's a "roll-cage".

I remember, as a callow youth with my first car, the Mighty Hillman Avenger 1300 Coupe with black vinyl roof and chrome bumpers, my late dad arrived home one evening with an iron plank. "Whoss dah"? I asked. "It's an anti-roll bar which I think might fit onto your car." "What's it do Dad?" "Well, it should improve the stability of the car."

Well, we attached it and Wow, what a difference! Now I could take the bend at Mrs. Murtagh's house at 55mph and Mrs. BrensBenz-to-be wasn't slammed into the door. Mind you, neither was she slammed into me when we went around Barnageeragh corner. You win some, you lose some.

OldGoat · 28-04-2015 8:28pm

You swine! I whisked Matron away for a little soiree in the country for a couple of days and you empty...EMPTY...the drinkies cabinet. If you think a bear with a bad head is a bad thing then wait till you meet a sober goat.

looksee · 28-04-2015 9:19pm

Ah no, OG, you said you were taking your drinkies so when we found it was all gone - not that we were looking of course - we assumed you had taken it. Then Rube was saying he needed contributions for his drinky strong box and.....RUBE!

BBDBB · 28-04-2015 10:03pm

OldGoat wrote: »

You swine! I whisked Matron away for a little soiree in the country for a couple of days and you empty...EMPTY...the drinkies cabinet. If you think a bear with a bad head is a bad thing then wait till you meet a sober goat.

Bigger boys made me do it

Jellybaby1 · 29-04-2015 12:02am

The beast returns! :eek: Yizzar for it now boys! (Sits drinking tea while looking positively innocent and butter wouldn't melt, ever!)

Chucken · 30-04-2015 5:11am

Toothache.

No internet for a full week...and then I had no laptop. But I have to give a round of applause to Mags, the best Mags I know, for the loan for 5 months

I've so much to catch up on!! :eek:

Layinghen · 30-04-2015 7:49am

Was wondering where you were Chucken:)

Welcome back to cyber land.

Toothache has got to be one of the worse pains, off to the dentist today with you.

BrensBenz · 30-04-2015 11:01pm

Can yiz believe it's almost May Day? Earlier today, as I scanned the wasteland we laughingly call our "garden", I noticed that our 30+ year-old pear tree, which never dun nutt'n until last year when it produced a gansey-load of fruit-coloured grenades, has now dressed itself in a really beautiful cloak of "pear"(?) blossom.

I'd post a picture but, you know, photos onto boards? Stress? Failure?

Now, some genius once told me that a lady pear tree needs a gentleman pear tree, or vice versa, on the flightpath and within the range of a bee before the tree will produce fruit. Well, I'm not having any of that carry-on going on in my garden! And I'd love to know just how my tree managed to do that last year in this pear tree-less wilderness. The Woof is still housebound and he's at the patio window, watching and waiting for bees intent on performing IVF on our, as yet, unmarried pear tree.

Jellybaby1 · 01-05-2015 12:20am

BrensBenz wrote: »

....Now, some genius once told me that a lady pear tree needs a gentleman pear tree, or vice versa, on the flightpath and within the range of a bee before the tree will produce fruit.....

Steady on! Spare my blushes. Down with that sort of thing!

Alice1 · 01-05-2015 6:19pm

I want to see a picture of the pear tree "cloaked" in blossom

BBDBB · 01-05-2015 8:13pm

Please Sir, Alice is being filthy sir

looksee · 01-05-2015 9:19pm

BBDBB wrote: »

Please Sir, Alice is being filthy sir

Is she? Goodness that quite passed me by! *innocent*

BrensBenz · 01-05-2015 9:59pm

BBDBB wrote: »

Please Sir, Alice is being filthy sir

Alice1 wrote: »

I want to see a picture of the pear tree "cloaked" in blossom

BBDBB, Because of my sheltered childhood, I don't understand that! Why do I get the feeling I'm missing out on something?

Alice1, Just yesterday, another upstanding citizen posted a War and Peace I mean "how to" add photos to boards. A quick scan (that's all I've had time to do so far) suggested it to be a loooonnnnngggg and familiar list of unconnected and non-intuitive.....oh, alright.....bluddy stupid actions. Unfortunately, (and a more detailed reading may contradict this) it appears to be very similar to my own haphazard method and previously suggested efforts from posters, all of which only work when there's a "N" in the day and there's a full tide in Leitrim.

Somewhere within loike the boards hierorky there's loike a Nerd? who knows that the boards loike system(?) for loike adding phaytays? is loike neanderthal and unreliable? He / she also knows how to fix it, even if this means that he / she merely copies the simple and reliable systems in use by hundreds of similar sites all over the world. But, by way of revenge for the slagging he got during his / her youth for being a Nerd, he / she now gets their only kicks from "getting a rise" or irritating non-nerds. The boards system will not be fixed and boards "Help(?)" will continue to describe an entirely different process, in unintelligible language.

Therefore, in order to satisfy your wish for a photo of the pear blossom, I hereby offer to meet you under Clerys clock, at a time and date to suit you, drive you to BrensBenz Manor, supply a camera of your choice and assist you to take a photo, which I shall personally print, frame and hang for you.

Now, there are two reasons you need to be quick:

Pear blossom doesn't last very long;
The Woof is still a hobbling tripod but his teeth still work well; he can move when he wants; he's just as cranky as ever and doesn't like visitors in his garden. You'll need to set a fast shutter speed, wear trainers and be prepared to vault the fence, with your ears full of growly, snarly barking. If you misjudge the fence, we keep an anti-tetanus syringe in the fridge so you'll be grand in a few days.

looksee · 01-05-2015 10:18pm

Alice, do you know, I get just a flickering sense of insincerity in BrensBenz's invitation. Like, come but I don't recommend it. And he is evading the issue of the photo. I begin to suspect this cloak of blossom...

Rubecula · 02-05-2015 6:56pm

I think it is more likely a string vest and a pair of socks with holes in of blossom.

Jellybaby1 · 02-05-2015 8:18pm

I might suggest that the word 'cloaked' is a megalithic word for.........ehmm.....ermmm......cough......well, something else!

But I won't.

Oh yoohoo, Mr. Brensbenz, where are youuuuu? If you are going to a maritime fundraising event in your neck of the woods tomorrow I might just brush shoulders with you. I'll be the one in the mac, and sunglasses, and I'll be keeping my eye out for you in your Benz. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

BrensBenz · 02-05-2015 10:09pm

Jellybaby1 wrote: »

I might suggest that the word 'cloaked' is a megalithic word for.........ehmm.....ermmm......cough......well, something else! But I won't.

Oh yoohoo, Mr. Brensbenz, where are youuuuu? If you are going to a maritime fundraising event in your neck of the woods tomorrow I might just brush shoulders with you. I'll be the one in the mac, and sunglasses, and I'll be keeping my eye out for you in your Benz. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

OK, under extreme duress, I admit that "cloak" might not be the best word but "shroud" was a no-no and "coat" sounded a little samey. Despite being 34 years old, our pear tree is only five feet high. It produced blossoms sometime around 1991 and I photographed my little girl talking to them. Since then - naffink until last year when we got blossoms AND a crop of Weapons of Dental Destruction.

Regarding the fundraising event - I didn't even know! Unfortunately, my medications are currently causing me severe difficulty with UV light and socialising. Even Infra Red (heat) is troublesome but, if the weather stays like this (Fifty Shades of Grey) I might venture down to the beach. I'll be the one with the biggest hat you've ever seen and my skin will be scattering young ladies and scaring kids.

All ye oul wans and oul fellas out there! Wakey wakey, rise and shine!

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