The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Capt'n Midnight · 05-10-2015 5:13pm

England out of the rugby world cup. Kit sponsors VW are said to be fuming.

Capt'n Midnight · 05-10-2015 5:17pm

"Chicken Out"

South Africa: Settling your bill before leaving a hotel.

rolliepoley · 05-10-2015 6:56pm

A man and his wife went to the doctor.
The husband told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.

The doctor checked his blood pressure and ran some other tests, then took the woman to a cubicle behind his office and asked her to undress completely.

He asked her to turn around slowly, which she did, and then turn around in the other direction.

Finally he said 'OK, come back out when you are dressed'.

Whilst she was getting dressed the doctor said to the man, "Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get an erection either".

Capt'n Midnight · 05-10-2015 6:59pm

I'm disappointed with the new haribo Star Wars selection.

They're all chewy.

moose3844 · 06-10-2015 1:18am

Whats worse than a hole in your condom?.................... A condom in your hole

fryup · 06-10-2015 9:36am

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

"Chicken Out"

South Africa: Settling your bill before leaving a hotel.

frag420 · 06-10-2015 9:41am

fryup wrote: »

Checking out in a sith ifricun accent....

Seve OB · 06-10-2015 10:02am

frag420 wrote: »

Checking out in a sith ifricun accent....

hardly a joke

Mr Tibbs · 08-10-2015 6:40pm

50 Shades of Grey was showing in the local cinema, so two old women decided to go and see for themselves what all the fuss was about
Halfway through the film one old woman turned to her friend and said. Mary, the fella next to me is masturbating. Ignore him he's only a dirty old pervert
I can't, he's using my hand

foxy farmer · 09-10-2015 12:49am

A detective from Dublin was on holidays in Kerry. One night he couldn't sleep and decided to take a wander down town in the early hours. To his amazement despite it being past 2am the pubs were all open and busy.
There was a uniformed guard directing traffic outside one particularly busy pub so the detective approached him and asked, "What time do the pubs close around here?"
"Usually around the end of October" says the guard.

cantdecide · 09-10-2015 12:55am

I was told I needed to get a hearing aid fitted a few years ago but I never heard anything after.

rolliepoley · 09-10-2015 8:10pm

After being married to Tom for forty years, Sally asked him to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said: "You're an alphabet wife...A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks: "What the hell does that mean?"

He said: "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot".

She smiled happily and said: "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said: "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

wilhelm roentgen · 10-10-2015 1:54pm

Two old women were sat on a beach when a male streaker runs past....

One had a stroke, the other one couldn't reach.

Capt'n Midnight · 10-10-2015 8:12pm

The boys and I are going out as the England Rugby team for Halloween.

We're not dressing up, we're just going out early.

eviltwin · 10-10-2015 8:16pm

A sexist, a racist and an idiot walk into a bar.

The barman says, "what can I get you Mr Trump"?

cantdecide · 10-10-2015 9:44pm

*All that time in the gym seems to be paying off; I keep hearing people say 'what an ass' as I walk away...

*Not impossible I read this on this thread at some stage

Qualitymark · 10-10-2015 9:49pm

Indian man gets off the train in Belfast, and instantly two wee Loyalists jump him.

"Where are you from?" says one.

"Actually, I'm from India."

"Where in India?" says the other, with a menacing shake of the Indian's collar.

"Delhi."

The first one shakes his fists in the air and screeches: "That's LONDONDelhi."

silverharp · 10-10-2015 9:54pm

Why do Japanese Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So you can tell them apart from feminists.

Qualitymark · 10-10-2015 9:56pm

silverharp wrote: »

Why do Japanese Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So you can tell them apart from feminists.

But it's still not that easy to tell them from racing cyclists.

Hagar7 · 10-10-2015 11:24pm

It's a good job that we have venetian blinds or it would mean curtains for the lot of us.

coolhull · 10-10-2015 11:49pm

I could never work in the Jobcentre. Imagine if you got fired! You'd still have to show up the next day...

whatawaster81 · 11-10-2015 12:17am

Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.

rolliepoley · 11-10-2015 7:03pm

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

RoadhouseBlues · 11-10-2015 7:27pm

Not really a joke, but I saw this written on a music poster and thought it was great:-).

Bloody foreigners. Coming over here demanding to know what love is.......:-)

coolhull · 12-10-2015 12:19am

After a night on the beer, Mick and Paddy visit a brothel
The Madame takes one look at them and says to the girls, ‘‘Just give them a couple of blow-up dolls.These lads are too drunk to know the difference.’’
During the walk home, Mick says to Paddy, ‘’Jaysis, my one never made a sound or moved. I think she was asleep’’
‘’You’re lucky’’, says Paddy, ‘’I think mine was a witch’’
‘’A witch? What makes you think that?''
‘’Well’’, says Paddy, ‘’ I gave her a bite on the @rse and she flew straight out the window!’’