The One That Got Away: Moral Crisis

Feeling pretty awful the last while,

Going to drop this story, I let a great girl slip through my fingers a while back, met her on a night out and we hit it off, we had a few drinks the night we met and we kissed, the next day she text me saying she liked me but didn’t want me to get the wrong idea and she wanted to stay friends and nothing more, I was a bit gutted as we had such a good time but I respected what she wanted and we became good friends and hung out a few times over the next while, talked about all sorts, went for drinks and to the cinema a few times but in my mind they weren’t dates and I respected that I was in the friend zone which seems to always happen to me and when that happens I don’t make any effort to woo whoever I take a shine to because in my experience it never got me anywhere with anyone, I didn’t want to grovel pathetically and make a fool of myself if she clearly had no interest in me and reading the signs (if she was giving off any) isn’t my strong point.

So a few months later I decided to move on I got with someone else, she was lovely and had qualities I liked, she more or less won me over with her story. Turned out her younger brother died through suicide recently at the time, she lives in a really isolated part of the country and didn’t see her friends that often and she was having a tough time in college, I thought she was great, admirable, timid and she was cute and we got together. I was with this girl a few weeks before the other girl who friend zoned me texts me out of the blue and said she had feelings for me and she said she was sorry to drop it on me because I was with someone else. Really caught me off guard and it confused me, kind of thing never happens to me.

I then let her down as I was with someone else and at the time it was going good, where I stayed with her for nearly 2 years. During the second year the relationship began to get strained as she is a very dedicated academic to her field and it was starting to weigh in on the relationship, plus to add to that we both wanted different things for the future and I was unhappy with all the stuff she was coming out with and it eventually led to me breaking up with her as paths were wandering in different directions and I was feeling very alienated from her. Basically we were too different for each other.

Now the girl that was interested in me before, we're still good friends but she is now going out with a friend of mine who to be honest I thought was never right for her. And I am not happy with things he is doing. So I’m going to spill a few things here.

The girl that friend zoned me and later took an interest in me who’s now with my friend is like me in lots of ways, very clean cut, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t do any illegal drugs, she likes a drink like we all do, where my friend who she’s with now has had an unpleasant lifestyle over the last 10 years, smoked like a trooper, buying 50 euro worth of weed per week and sat in his house all day playing video games.

When she came along he almost botched it early on over his fondness for his exotic tobacco as she is militantly against the stuff and wasn’t particularly fond of going out with a cigarette lover either. So he gave up the weed and later gave up the fags.

A while later myself this friend of mine, herself and another friend of mine we were hanging out watching a movie and I was feeling pretty low about the break-up and next thing herself decides to head home and she does, next thing my friend runs upstairs to get a cigarette as soon as the door is shut, he then looks at me and says “Say nothing” I was sitting there disgusted that he was keeping that from her and in my mind it leaves other avenues to lie say if he was still smoking weed or would smoke it at a later stage like at a party and I know too well he loves the stuff. See I don’t know because I don’t spend a lot of time around him these days and I don’t know what he’s up to and if he can be trusted.

Annoyed me to no end because I passed her up for someone else who wasn’t worth all the effort I was putting in I know it sound cruel but I seriously bent over backwards, just makes me think he doesn’t deserve her. When I see them both together it bugs the life out of me because I know it could have been me and he does other things that she doesn’t like either in her presence. I’ll give a few examples.

I would say every time I see them on a night out he uses any excuse to bring up cannabis/weed into a discussion, she doesn’t like when he brings it up for a discussion yet he does anyway, I can see it on her face that she doesn’t like and I wonder why he brings the topic up. It’s like he’s trying to plant some seed in her mind to maybe manipulate her to accept his fondness for it. He drops all sorts of sentences like “Weed isn’t bad for you” “Weed is a social drug it should be up there with alcohol” “The guards and the courts persecute people who smoke weed” “The media paints weed in a bad light” and other stuff he spews on a regular night out. They had two arguments in front of me over the subject yet he’s still bringing it up and I expect him to every time we’re out, they had an argument at a mutual friend of ours wedding and another time in a pub and any other time he brought it up, she is sitting there looking really pissed off. Like if he’s off the weed like he says why does he feel the need to bring it up so often? This habit of his will end up being the end of his relationship and to be honest I want it to happen so I might win her over.

I’m at the point where when he does bring it up I let him talk and don’t bother to stop him because I want him to dig a hole for himself, I could save his arse say if she does get pissed off with the discussion and verbally tells him off but I decide not to, he should know his girlfriend well enough to not to start talking about it. So when I’m out I wait for him to start, even when he doesn’t start talking about it soon enough I think about initiating it subtly without her knowledge but it turns out I actually don’t need to as either he eventually brings it up or somebody else does and I think “Awesome somebody brought it up” and I sit back and wait for some fireworks.

Another argument they had was really stupid, was in the pub with them another day with another friend of mine and he got really annoyed with her over not liking Japanese anime and he spent what felt like forever arguing with her over her not liking it, not liking anime is fair enough some of it is weird and most of us prefer a good movie. The argument got to a point where my other friend was telling him to relax before he snapped back “Don’t tell me to relax!” followed by this long frustrated sigh followed by this really awkward silence. In my mind I was celebrating because well if I had a chance I’d get with her if they’d only end it. He could well have been in this mood because he couldn’t have a fag in front of her all day.

I’ve let a significant amount of time go by since the break up and I do feel like I’m being really cruel to the memory of my last relationship but I can’t help but feel that way after the way it all panned out, I’ve gotten to the point where I wrote a 3800 word letter to tell her what’s been on my mind and to ask is she actually happy with him and it mentions the cigarette story and all these times he’s steering the conversations towards weed and I honestly don’t think he’s right for her and that I feel like s**t for turning her away to stay with somebody who would end up to be just out for herself. I’ve wanted to send it to her since January and I chickened out each time I copied it and pasted it to a PM on Facebook, I’d have it there and ready to send but I’d think of all the repercussions and I’d remove the message, I’ve done this a dozen times, always happens when I’m alone in the evening time at home when I’ve nothing constructive to do with myself.

It just sucks and not to blow my own trumpet but I know I’d be better for her, we just bounce off each other really well, always have really, she opened up to me about a lot of things going on in her life and I did with her, all sorts of trials and tribulations and then other times we’d have the craic, the letter highlights all this stuff and how much I do care about her and don’t want to see her hurt. Other times I think maybe I shouldn’t show her the letter and wait till this friend of mine shots himself in the foot and I could win her over under better circumstances but how long could that take? Weeks? Months? Could be years I don’t know. Patience isn’t my strong suit either. So this letter is still on my computer and in between my chickening out phases I edit the letter and try to word it the best I can until if I feel the time is right and I’m brave enough to send it, likely to be when my patience runs out.

Head is just wrecked, feel like she’s the one who got away and the letter might or might not work it’s ridiculously long but it’s the truth and I fear that I might not be able to get this out verbally and make it have the affect I would want it to have so I choose to right it down to amplify it better but in the end it’s going to do damage either way. If the letter won't work well then I'll just have to give up. Waiting for him to naturally mess it up is playing it safe I know but I could be waiting ridiculous lengths for that to happen. Call it some severe jealousy if you want.

Bit of a moral crisis really, a lot of you will probably say I should back off and just find someone else but there really aren’t many like her, well to me there isn’t.

What do you make of it?