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Do we have a responsibility to our parents as they age?

The Princess Bride · 2012-02-20 19:49:41

Strange question,perhaps, but I have a reason for asking. I have a friend who had a difficult childhood-emotional & physical abuse with significant neglect. Fast forward a few decades & he is in 40s- both his parents are alive (72 & 86), with declining health but amazingly- still have the ability to emotionally cut him in…

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#32 13-03-2012 3:56pm
Emme

Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭

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seenitall wrote: »

Eh, being "always put down by a parent" is a form of abuse (mental abuse), as difficult as you may find it to believe. (!)

I will not go into what went on in my childhood on here because it would be off-topic and it would feel too much like I am justifying my position, while I don't feel that there is anything I need to justify. Suffice it to say, it was abuse, and anyone is at liberty to believe me or not.

Unless you've been emotionally abused by a parent, you have no idea what it's like and aren't in a position to judge the actions of those who have. There's an old Irish mentality that one child, usually a daughter, should give up their life to care for their parents or at least not marry and therefore be in a position to give up all to do caring "duty". Duty being the operative word. It's not so prevalent now, but exists in some rural parts of Ireland.

I know of parents who deliberately held back bright children, tried to put them down and stop them moving forward in their lives because they wanted the children in their control. These people used emotional abuse to try and cripple their children and prevent them from becoming truly independent. These were parents who revelled in their children's misfortune and failure, telling them they were useless, would never amount to anything, were insane and incapable of doing anything right.

Parents who always had to take centre stage even when the children were ill. It didn't matter how sick the children were, the parent in question always had to be sicker and get the attention. The children grew up knowing that his/her needs didn't matter and were second to the needs of the parent.

This is only the tip of the iceberg of emotional abuse. I could write so much more about it.

The OP's first duty is to himself, his spouse and his own children. If he chooses not to care for parents who abused and neglected him he is within his rights to make that decision. If he does decide to look out for his parents then that's also his choice, but he does not have the right to neglect himself, his spouse or his children for the sake of his parents. If caring for his parents jeopardises his relationship with his spouse and children and drains his health he should step back and leave his parents to take care of themselves.

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