Confused

mars411 · 22-03-2012 12:00am #1

Hi,

Here goes. I broke up with my bf of 4 years about 5 weeks ago. I am 19, in my 2nd year of Uni across the pond and he is 24, back home with a good secure job and his own house all settled. Before breaking up we did try to see each other every 6-9 weeks as it is hard especially during term time.
However, the thing is i did not plan on going home after i graduate as i want to get a job as a teacher in the UK for 3 to 4 years as they are scarce at home and then work in other countries teaching once I have saved some money.
The reason i broke up with him is because i am scared. Scared what will happen if we break up in years to come when we will be a lot older, Scared that we have been going out since we were too young. Scared of spending the rest of my life with him because of the unknown future and what may/ may not happen. I have been going out with him since i was 15 and we had a fantastic 4 years together and i really couldnt ask for a better bf, he would do anything for me and treats me like a princess. As i have heard lots of stories about couples that have been going out since they were my age and by the time they reach 30 they break up as it wasnt ment to be. I dont want to end up like that with him and that is one reason why i ended it just to be 100% sure that i want to spend the rest of my life with him.
I used to think in Uni that i should be going out there and doing what not but its not as good as people say. When going out in clubs over the last few weeks i just could not be bothered with a one nite stand or even kissing a randomer as it does not really appeal to me.
This past 2 weeks I have been feeling really down, not sleeping and just feeling miserable trying to put on a brave face but i dont know how much longer i can do it. My head is saying one thing and my heart is saying another. But atm deep dpwn in my gut I feel I have made a mistake and I dont know if its because I havnt given it enough time or not. I was not the best gf with some of the things i used to say to him and do but he told me the other day that he always felt on edge waiting for my to cut the rope and break it off and now that I have done it he says that he feels free and that a weight has been lifted off his shoulders that he does not have to wait on that day to come any more.
My Mother says and i do agree with her in some way that i got into a relationship too young and i need some time away from him to see what i really want. (even though my gut says i have made a mistake). I would like to take a few months apart from him to make sure that it is definately 100% him i want to spend the rest of my life with but during them few months i am terrified that he will meet someone else. I know and i wouldnt expext him as it wouldnt be fair on him to wait on me while i make sense of what i want as he definately knows that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I just dont know if we should take a few months apart or not for the fear of him meeting somene else within that time and not having any feeling fo rme anymore.
I would be prepared to go home and see him like every 2/3 weeks and i would change my attitude so he would not feel like the undedog in the relationship. I know it will not be easy travelling at home a lot of the time but i do think if you love someone that much that the two people will need to do their part and make sacrafices in order for it to work.
I go home now next week and i am so confused as to what to do, whether to def break it off and end all contact with him to see how i feel in a few months again and do i still love him as much or get back with him for the fear of losing him forever as he could possibly meet someone else in that space of time. i know that he would be the best person ever to spend the rest of my life with but i just want to be 100% sure and not so scared of the future that we will end up breaking up years later and then it would be too late and old to start over with some one new.
Anyone out there willing to give me some advice?

annascott · 22-03-2012 12:30am

Sorry to hear that you are so upset and confused. Don't make any final decisions yet. Talk to him. Tell him what you have told us. Ask him for a little time out- not to sleep with other people- but to get things straight in your head. You said that he is certain that he wants you so it shouldn't be a problem. Why do you feel such pressure? You are only 19, it's not as if you have to rush into marriage or anything.

R.D. aka MR.D · 22-03-2012 12:54am

It is difficult for outside people to tell you what to do in your relationship.

From what you have said I would advise you to cut contact for a few months. He might meet some one else but surely that would indicate that maybe the two of you were meant to be.

Does he travel to see you at all?

It is scary to come out of a long relationship. Of course you don't want to be having one night stands and stuff but can you honestly say that you haven't been missing out on some of the college experience because you had a boyfriend?

I know a few girls from college who are in their mid-twenties now and really regret being in relationships in college. I was in one that started in college and it was my first relationship and i let it consume me a bit. I regret it now but I learned not to let a relationship dictate my life again.

As I say it is difficult for outsiders to tell you what to do.

Best of Luck
x

IrishEyes19 · 22-03-2012 5:19am

I always trust doubt. I believe if you had feelings arousing that something isnt right or worries, you should think heavily about them and act on them. You are very young, I hope you dont think Im being patronising, I',m barely older than you, a few years that is all and my relationship with my first serious boyfriend when I was younger had me think we would be together forever. But you are right to be concerned, you need to live a little before you settle down so young, people change. you arent the same girl you were when you were 15 and you wont be in 1o years time either. I really believe if its meant to be, it will be. live a little and maybe in a few years you will be in a more settled place to see if it can work with your boyfriend.
you may even have met someone else by then and you will know it feels right. Dont live in the future either, you cant predict what is going to happen, but dont miss out on oppertunities either. A relationship in the most easiest circumstances is hard to manage at 19, so long distance must be very tough for you. Take a break from it all and live a little. It will all work out in the end. Maybe not with your boyfriend, but thats normal at 19. it truly is. all the best

johnr1 · 22-03-2012 10:54am

Difficult as it is, I think you have made the right choice - for now.
Your lives and plans do not line up at the moment, and it you both would feel worse having put every euro/pound/spare weekend into travelling back and forth over the next few years, only to eventually get tired and burned out by it. Trust me, that happens.
You are of course feeling low, a bit lost, and like you don't fit the single scene at the moment, - it would be unusual if you didn't as your adult life so far has been all seen through the prism of being in a relationship. It will take at least a few months to re-adjust, and you need to give yourself this time before you can really see clearly whether you have made the right decision.

You sound like you have your head extremely well screwed on, and I'm sure you'll be ok either way this ends, just give yourself the time to see it a little objectively, and you'll know what to do.

Btw, if he meets someone else while you're waiting, then that in itself is an answer, and possibly the right one. If you are to continue, he needs to feel just as strongly about you as you about him.

Good luck with it all.

mike0c · 22-03-2012 11:56am

My honest opinion is if you love this guy and you know you would have a great life together in the future then you shouldn't let him get away. I don't agree with what other posters are saying with regards to if he meets someone else then he isn't for you. If you break things off with him completely and cut contact you can hardly expect him to wait around and hope that you will get back together. You have to expect him to go out and see what else is out there, if only to get over you.

If your comfortable with that and are willing to risk losing him then you should definitely end things. But you can't turn around in say 6 months and say "oh well, he is with someone new so he must not have cared that much about me in the first place".

I am a friend · 22-03-2012 4:20pm

mike0c wrote: »

My honest opinion is if you love this guy and you know you would have a great life together in the future then you shouldn't let him get away. I don't agree with what other posters are saying with regards to if he meets someone else then he isn't for you. If you break things off with him completely and cut contact you can hardly expect him to wait around and hope that you will get back together. You have to expect him to go out and see what else is out there, if only to get over you.

If your comfortable with that and are willing to risk losing him then you should definitely end things. But you can't turn around in say 6 months and say "oh well, he is with someone new so he must not have cared that much about me in the first place".

Yeah I agree totally... The grass isnt always greener - sometimes its covered in compost....

Confused

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