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Soft and Hard Mathematics

  • 23-02-2014 5:36pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭


    Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :

    My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.

    When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table: My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college and I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18. Therefore, I may not be home for a few days.

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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Hotel Sex in Blackpool


    A man checks into a hotel in Blackpool while on a business trip and was
    a bit lonely.


    He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone boxes. He
    popped into a phone box near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling
    herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.


    She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long
    wavy hair, long graceful legs... Well, you get the picture!
    He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.

    When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.
    'Hello', the woman says. Gosh, she sounded sexy so he continues..

    'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my
    room and give me one.
    No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and
    what I really want is sex.

    I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now.

    Bring implements, toys, rubber leather, whips, everything you've got
    in your bag of tricks.
    Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you
    want!
    Now, how does that sound?



    She says, 'That sounds fantastic love, but you need to press 9 for an
    outside line.'

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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    First drink


    I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
    Got him a Fosters ...... he didn't like it - I had it.
    Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it.
    It was the same with Guinness and Cider.
    By the time we got down to the whiskey I could hardly push the bloody pram.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    One morning three women are golfing on the fourth green when suddenly a guy runs by wearing nothing but a bag over his head. As he passes by the first woman, she looks down and says, "Well, he's certainly not my husband." As he passes by the second woman, she also glances downward and says, "He's not my husband either." He then passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this golf club."

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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    A guy looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library asked a girl:
    "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
    The girl replied in a very loud voice:
    "HOW DARE YOU?!
    I DO NOT EVEN KNOW YOU AND YOU ARE ASKING ME TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU! ARE YOU CRAZY? OR WHAT?

    All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.

    After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

    The guy then responded in a loud voice:
    "WHAT?! $500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT'S TOO MUCH!"

    All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. Then the guy whispered to her:
    "I study law, and I know how to screw people.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.

    All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

    "My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

    The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

    No" said Billy, "He works in a Bank but I was just too embarrassed to say."

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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Understanding Engineers #1

    Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"�The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."�The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.

    "Understanding Engineers #2

    To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

    Understanding Engineers #3

    A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.�The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"�The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"�The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"�The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, �yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"�The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."�The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."�The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?

    "Understanding Engineers #4

    What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

    Understanding Engineers #5

    The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"�The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"�The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"�The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?”

    Understanding Engineers #6

    Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.�One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."�Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."�The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

    Understanding Engineers #7

    Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
    Understanding Engineers #8
    An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."�He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.�The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."�The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.�The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."�Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.�Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"�The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

    And Finally Two engineers???

    Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.A woman walked by and asked what they were doing."We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Ever wondered what the difference between Grannies and Grandads is?

    A 5 year old Granddaughter is usually taken to her school,
    daily, by her Grandfather.


    When he had a bad cold his wife took the Grandchild.

    That night she told her parents that the ride to school with Granny was
    very different!!

    "What made it different?" asked her parents:


    "Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dickhead, Asian
    prick or wanker anywhere on the way to school today!'

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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    A farmer named Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
    The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
    Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
    The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ...
    Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL®
    database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
    Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the Farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
    "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sam.
    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
    Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
    "You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.
    "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
    "No guessing required." answered Sam. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
    Now give me back my dog.
    AND THAT FRIENDS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS WITH THE EU

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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.


    There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.
    I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.



    A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
    The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'


    'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.


    The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '



    'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.


    The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
    You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'


    The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
    The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.


    The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'


    'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.


    The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
    'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'


    'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.


    The waiting room erupted in laughter.
    Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!

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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Should children witness childbirth?
    Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
    The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
    Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
    The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
    Connor began to cry.
    The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded,
    "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place ....smack his arse again!"

    If you don't laugh at this one there is no hope for you

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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews course.
    A grounds keeper shouts: 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shi*e an pish!'
    The golfer replies: 'My Good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English!?'
    The keeper replies: 'I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!'

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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Walking can add minutes to your life.
    This enables you at 85 years old
    to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
    home at $4,000 per month.


    My grandpa started walking
    five miles a day when he was 60.
    Now he's 97 years old
    and we have no idea where the hell he is.

    I like long walks,
    especially when they are taken
    by people who annoy me.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Would You Marry Again?
    A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the

    Wife looks over at him and asks the question.....


    WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"
    HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
    WIFE: "Why not? ...Don't you like being married?"
    HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
    WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
    HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
    WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
    HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
    WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
    HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."
    WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
    HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
    WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
    HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
    WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
    HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
    WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"
    HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
    WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
    HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
    WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
    HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
    WIFE: -- silence --
    HUSBAND: "sh**e."

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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    AUSSIE TRUCKER & THE EMU
    An Aussie trucker walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

    The waitress asks them for their orders.

    The trucker says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
    'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

    A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

    The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
    The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

    Again the trucker reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

    This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

    'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a
    salad,' says the man..
    'Same for me,' says the emu.

    Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be
    $32.62.'


    Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

    The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

    'Well, love' says the trucker, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

    My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

    'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

    'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
    Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

    The trucker pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big bum and long legs who agrees with everything I say.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    A father goes into his daughter’s bedroom and sees a letter addressed to “Mum and Dad” on the bed. With a heavy heart he opens it and reads:
    Dear Mum & Dad,

    It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m telling you that I’ve eloped with my new boyfriend. I’ve found real love and he is so nice. Especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos and his stolen Harley.But it’s not only that, I’m pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his caravan in Epping Forest. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s one of my dreams too.

    I’ve learned that marijuana does not hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and Ahmed’s friends. They’re the ones providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want.

    In the meantime we’ll pray for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed can get better. He deserves it.

    Don’t worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement. Apparently I can earn £200 per scene. I get a £200 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene and an extra £100 for the Alsatian.

    Don’t worry Mum. Now I’m 14 I know how to take care of myself. Someday we’ll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.

    Dad, I found the cash you were hiding from mum, but don't worry we left you a few quid.

    Your loving daughter,
    Angelina.






    Scroll Down.









    P.S
    Dad, for God's sake calm down.It’s not true.I’m actually watching TV at the neighbours.I just wanted to show you that there really are worse things in life than England losing the Ashes.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

    The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'... The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

    A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

    The next day the grandmother died. "Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

    Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

    He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

    He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee,

    looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late.

    What's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

    She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.

    Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be announced today, he asked his son if he got a part.

    The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

    "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Bill and his assigned caddie started off the first tee of the fancy resort course Bill was playing. It was his first time using a caddie, and he was excited.

    But by the eighth hole, Bill was already 24 over par. He had lost 9 balls in water hazards. And trying to hack his way out of the rough, Bill had dug a trench a foot deep.

    Then, on the No. 9 green, Bill was standing over a one foot putt when his caddie coughed right in the middle of his stroke. Bill exploded.

    "You must be the worst caddie in the history of golf!" Bill screamed.

    "I doubt it," the caddie replied. "That'd be too much of a coincidence."

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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

    The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

    "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

    The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

    One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

    After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Complete set of encyclopedia Britannica for sale.
    45 Volumes. Excellent condition.
    €100 or best offer.

    Reason for sale:- No longer required.
    Got married last weekend.
    Wife knows everything.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

    The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”

    “Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”

    “About three minutes ago,” came the reply.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear. The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem. “Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.” The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper. ” Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?” After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response. Then again at 10 feet away and again no response. Finally he was 5 feet away “honey whats for supper?”
    She replies “For the fourth time it’s lasagna!”

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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Sean was just a regular guy. Except for the fact that he was an only child and the fact that his multi millionaire father was breathing his last.

    Since Sean was a soon to be multimillionaire it only made sense that he should have a woman to share his riches with. Sean approached his childhood crush. “Hey Sandra, I may look like a regular guy, but I’m soon gonna be a multimillionaire! Do you wanna come home with me?”

    “Sure thing” Sandra replied, “I would love to come home with you.”

    And that’s the story how Sandra became Sean's stepmother.

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • Registered Users Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Mick walked over to the Priest after Mass, “You know Father, I am really stuck in a quandary I would like to attend church next week but I just can’t miss the big game in Old Trafford next Sunday, it’s just out of the question.” “Oh Mick, Mick” said the Priest putting his arm around Mick, “don’t you know? it can be recorded.” Mick’s face lit up “you mean I could record your sermon?”

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • Registered Users Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Brian, one of the worlds greatest hypochondriacs, bumped into his Doctor one day at the supermarket.

    “Doctor!” Brian shouted out, “I’ve been meaning to tell you, remember those voices I kept on hearing in my head? I haven’t heard them in over a week!”

    “Wow! What wonderful news Brian! I’m so happy for you!” said the Doctor.

    “Wonderful?” asked a dismal looking Brian. “There’s nothing wonderful about it. I’m afraid my hearing is starting to go now!

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • Registered Users Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Jim, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called the Priest to be with him in his final moments. As the Rev. Father stood by the bed, Jims’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Jim motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Priest quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Jim. But before he had a chance to read the note, Jim died. The Priest feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it put the note in his jacket pocket. It was at the funeral while speaking that he suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket the Priest said “and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Jim died he handed me a note, and knowing Jim I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from. With that introduction he ripped out the note and opened it.

    The note read “HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!”

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • Registered Users Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    I lovingly gave my niece a kiss on her cheek upon seeing her at a family get-together. Afterwords, I noticed her wiping her cheek. ”Are you wiping off my kiss?”, I asked her. ”No”, she smartly replied, “I’m just rubbing it in!”

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • Registered Users Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    My daughter sure showed me what a back seat driver I am! On our way to the shop today, I stopped short at a red light causing the car to jolt. As soon as I jerked my 3 year old in the back seat hollered Daaaaave. Not sure why she had called my husband’s name, I asked her why she had said what she did. ”That’s what you say when someone stops like that”, she innocently replied.

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • Registered Users Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Mam, Dad, sit down. I have something very important to tell you,” said Gill, upon her return home from college after graduation. “I met a guy who lives near the college that I really like and we decided we are going to get married!”

    “Oh Gill! I am so happy for you!” Gushed her Mam giving her a big hug, “I hope you two will be really happy together! I can’t wait to meet him!”

    “Tell us more about him” said her Dad, “does he have any money?”
    “Oh Dad! Is that all you men ever think about?
    That was the first question he asked me about you too!”

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,065 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Two guys were playing golf, one of them was about to swing the golf club when he noticed a funeral procession going by on the street. The man stopped in mid-swing and closed his eyes and said a short prayer. The other man truly inspired, remarked, clearing his throat, “wow that was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.” “Well”, the other man said “I was married to her for 35 years.”

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



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