The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

rolliepoley · 30-08-2015 2:21pm

https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpt1/v/t1.0-9/11889557_10207101990769599_2349526096477583719_n.jpg?oh=26f89ec6bb8ee1d3f531a4d0859636c6&oe=563B0596

So, I was walking and I saw a "Muslim Book Store." I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in. As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims?"

The clerk said, "F*ck off, get out and stay out!"

I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?

rolliepoley · 30-08-2015 3:36pm

After living in Shanghai for 50 years a Chinese man decides to move to Australia.

He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.

A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the

New guy to the region.

He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his

Front yard chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt any Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.

Not wanting to interrupt another Chinese custom, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put an ear next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs ? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens.

The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's arse, it could just about **** on you.'

The Chinese man is very taken back and says, ' Sorry sir, you no understand.. These no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.''

What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs................

'Yes they are', replied the Chinese man, 'travel agent man say to become true blue Australian, I must learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull s**t.'

Hagar7 · 31-08-2015 12:04pm

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Must be some load of sh1te if that's the best they can do

My son and daughter went to the Embra Fest,saw around 10/11 shows in two days.
I asked them who they thought was the funniest,they both went to see comedians,and without hesitation they both replied Ed Byrne without a doubt.
So the other day I sat thru almost an hour and a half of his stuff and I waited and waited and waited for a funny story without success.
Maybe it's just me but I don't know what all the fuss is about,I,d never heard of him before and wish tae God I hadn't,I think he's awful.

Salvation Tambourine · 31-08-2015 1:02pm

The invention of the shovel is ground breaking.

Busted Flat. · 31-08-2015 1:07pm

Nokotan wrote: »

The invention of the shovel is ground breaking.

It was the pick.

blade1 · 31-08-2015 2:05pm

Nokotan wrote: »

The invention of the shovel is ground breaking.

Busted Flat. wrote: »

It was the pick.

What was the shovel so?

Earth Moving???:D

tayto lover · 31-08-2015 2:18pm

We're going to get a rake of gardening puns now.

Sunnyisland · 31-08-2015 2:19pm

BREAKING NEWS

A man who took an airline to court after his luggage went missing, has lost his case .

bonzodog2 · 31-08-2015 2:21pm

tayto lover wrote: »

We're going to get a rake of gardening puns now.

Too soon, for fork's sake. HoeHoeHoe!

tayto lover · 31-08-2015 2:23pm

bonzodog2 wrote: »

Too soon, for fork's sake. HoeHoeHoe!

Ah the mower the better.

Salvation Tambourine · 31-08-2015 2:29pm

tayto lover wrote: »

We're going to get a rake of gardening puns now.

The shear volume of them will be horrible

tayto lover · 31-08-2015 2:31pm

Nokotan wrote: »

The shear volume of them will be horrible

They could be very turf to read too.

Salvation Tambourine · 31-08-2015 2:36pm

tayto lover wrote: »

They could be very turf to read too.

Yeah.....I just scythe with disappointment to that...

tayto lover · 31-08-2015 2:40pm

Nokotan wrote: »

Yeah.....I just scythe with disappointment to that...

I felt like a bit of a tulip when i posted that.

thesandeman · 31-08-2015 3:07pm

tayto lover wrote: »

I felt like a bit of a tulip when i posted that.

Yeah, it's time you threw in the trowel.

tayto lover · 31-08-2015 3:13pm

thesandeman wrote: »

Yeah, it's time you threw in the trowel.

Yeah, it's lawn overdue.

Salvation Tambourine · 31-08-2015 3:16pm

tayto lover wrote: »

Yeah, it's lawn overdue.

Just like my dog being spade

looseliver · 31-08-2015 4:02pm

Nokotan wrote: »

Just like my dog being spade

We aught to shed ourselves of these puns.

coolhull · 31-08-2015 4:21pm

looseliver wrote: »

We aught to shed ourselves of these puns.

Or else someone will grass on us to the mods

thesandeman · 31-08-2015 4:24pm

coolhull wrote: »

Or else someone will grass on us to the mods

And then we will by turfed out of Boards.

tayto lover · 31-08-2015 4:25pm

Nokotan wrote: »

Just like my dog being spade

There'll be no seeds sown now.

blade1 · 31-08-2015 4:48pm

I nearly soiled myself reading these puns!

padjo5 · 31-08-2015 4:55pm

I thought there wasn't going to be any mower of them but thanks for reviving it Blade1

Banta · 31-08-2015 6:06pm

Wow this thread is just blossoming with puns.

... Sorry. I'll leaf now.

tayto lover · 31-08-2015 6:28pm

Banta wrote: »

Wow this thread is just blossoming with puns.

... Sorry. I'll leaf now.

You could branch out on your own.

31-08-2015 6:38pm

Puns for the educated!

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years
of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star
of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.
"Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star,
makes no difference who you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were
avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were
destroyed in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells
bowled.

3. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one
Slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus
skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy.
The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just
goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the
sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

4 A sceptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk
remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated
that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of
constipation.
When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked
him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these,
you don't need enemas."

kfallon · 31-08-2015 6:47pm

More of those dolan please

Hagar7 · 31-08-2015 6:47pm

I once sold a jumper tae Derek Acorah......he's a medium.

rizzodun · 31-08-2015 7:15pm

I was shocked to learn today I'm colourblind.
Totally out of the green...

deandean · 01-09-2015 10:20pm

To Roundup, I want to see a barrow load of those gardening puns forked out while I am still compost mentus.

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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