9 years and not engaged

lillylouxx · 18-12-2014 1:46am #1

O.k so i'm new to this site

Thought id give it a go. I've been with my partner for going on nine years (since school). We are 25 and 26. we have an amazing daughter and also lost a child a 4 years ago. like most relationships we have had our ups and downs but overall we have a very good relationship. we get along really well and have lived together for 6 years. we both work full time and i am also in college
So here is my problem. I've been getting a lot of grief lately about not being married or even engaged (this never bothered me before) but the more i thought about it the more i realised that i would like to get engaged. Marriage is not something that i want for a few years until i am finished college and in a job that i like. But i would like the commitment of an engagement.
My partner asked me what I wanted for xmas and i said that i would like a ring. He said that he wasn't ready and that there was loads of time for that.
Maybe its just me but I felt very betrayed by this. We have been through so much together and know each other so well. If he doesn't know by now that i'm the person he wants to be with then maybe i'm not that person?
There was no argument I just told him that i needed to think about things, that for me, things have changed that was three days ago and we haven't spoken at all since
I feel as though I should walk away, if by now hes not serious i don't think he ever will be
I would like some other views on this. Am I wrong to walk away? I would really appreciate some help
Thank you in advance

LegacyUser · 18-12-2014 2:29am

Hi Lilly,

Had to reply but for obv. reasons posting anon. I got married recently in my mid twenties. Myself and my partner have no children but were living together - alone - for a few years before engagement. Long story short - I wanted to get engaged a long time before my OH was ready.

In the beginning it really upset me. Yes we were young (still are) but we had made some major life choices together (inc. loosing a baby) and I knew what I wanted. He panicked. Went from saying 'I love you' etc. to saying 'if we're still with each other next year'. I lost the plot. I remember having a full blown row on the street after I packed a small bag, as I 'needed time to think'. I didn't want to live with a man who - in my mind - wasn't certain that he wanted to be with me.

He surprised me, not by proposing, but by saying that he knew he wanted to be with me, for the long term, but that he was not ready to be married. To him, these were different things - being engaged meant planning a wedding and being married meant stopping going out etc. (now none of that was "us" at all!!!). He asked for time and I didn't really understand but kind of decided that pressure wasn't working so I'd try standing back.

8 months later, We were away and a couple proposed right in front of us and I smiled. He joked and made a comment about thanking god it wasnt us. I cried.
My OH proposed the next day, he had been carrying the ring for weeks & wanted to propose the night before, but the other man surprised him and as my OH says 'ruined it'.

We got married recently. When we joke about it - his reflections have shown me up. He is a practical thinker. Says him wanting to be with me forever and him wanting to be married were/are completely different things. That marriage for him meant a big ring and a traditional wedding (I didn't want those things, he did!). That it meant having savings and being different from the other lads/couples. And that he expected/was scared that it would change us. That he was happy, happier than most others he knew at the time, and was worried that suddenly we'd start fighting or something.

We did end up getting engaged and married but about 2 years after I would have first wanted - still in our mid-ish twenties. For us, being engaged/married has changed nothing. But, truth be told, it has changed others reactions to us. People do expect us to be less independent, and the baby 'hints' are dreadful (i'm totally not ready for that yet!). Its been good, but not easy. I wouldn't change it but I'm glad I waited for him to choose it too.

I posted because I remember clearly feeling the same as you. My advice: Don't walk away until you really understand what your partner is saying. Is he saying he is unsure if he wants to be with you or is he scared of marriage? What does it mean for him? What does being engaged mean for him?

best of luck OP.

Calhoun · 18-12-2014 2:31am

If find it very hard to disagree with your logic op , at this stage you have been through so much you might as well be married.

Getting engage now is basically confirming the status quo and should be a given. The fact he says he isn't ready would really make me wonder where his head is at does he think he's not in a serious relationship?

Have you talked to him since ?

lillylouxx · 18-12-2014 3:00am

thank you for the reply
no i havent
im avoiding him because i just dont know what to say. I did tell him that knowing he feels that way i didnt know if i could continue our relationship. I really dont think that I can. any advice would be much appreciated
thank you

[Deleted User] · 18-12-2014 4:51am

OP, you are both very young, you have a young daughter & have gone through the trauma of loosing a child.
I presume you are both living together?
If this is the case, then you are both very much in a family unit.
Maybe your oh doesn't see the need to put extra pressure on you both as regards a wedding day?

Ye are a family, don't over think it OP. I have been at loads of weddings over the last 10 years where the kids were involved, some were teenagers, some weddings all the better for it!

I think you maybe should take a step back, look at what you have, be grateful for it, and go forward. If you have a man, the father of your child, who loves you, who is with you, and wants to provide for your child, and ye live each other. Then weddings can wait!

northknife · 18-12-2014 5:40am

Give it another year, february 2016 is a leap year which is traditional for the lady to propose. Might be able to tell more about the situation then if he says no

Calhoun · 18-12-2014 5:41am

lillylouxx wrote: »

thank you for the reply
no i havent
im avoiding him because i just dont know what to say. I did tell him that knowing he feels that way i didnt know if i could continue our relationship. I really dont think that I can. any advice would be much appreciated
thank you

I would get his viewpoint on things he owes you an explanation and while I agree with the post above about been through the allot and lucky with what you have, his comments would throw me.

Whats he not ready for committing to you or what. Definitely understand where your coming from I think your owed some answers.

December2012 · 18-12-2014 8:39am

I think it was bad form to try to ask for an engagement when you're asked what you want for Christmas. That was not the time or place and you may have blindsided your partner.

You've said that its recentky that you've felt you wanted to get married, does that mean you were uncommitted a few months ago, because that's what you're saying about your partner.

I think the fact that you've stopped talking to him is bad form too. You bring up this big thing out of the blue and stop talking when it doesn't go your way.

You are entitled to have this conversation with him, but I think you've gone about it all wrong. to think about ending it because a conversation didn't go your way is over reactive.

Go back to him, talk to him, take your time. There is no rush.

strobe · 18-12-2014 9:00am

You've been thinking about this for a while, spurred on by 'getting a lot of grief about not being engaged' (always a great reason to want to get married...), where as you pretty much landed it in his lap out of the blue, and then took off in a huff when he didn't hop down on one knee there and then. He's had children with you and has been living with you for six years... That's kinda a pretty big hint he sees his future with you. And yet you're thinking about ending the relationship with your long term boyfriend (do you actually love this guy btw?) and the father of your child over this? Seriously? You're being mental.

Advice. Tell anyone 'giving you grief' to mind their own bloody business. Go back to your boyfriend and apologise for landing it on him and then reacting how you did. And then have a proper adult conversation about his thoughts on marriage in the future. A conversation, a two way thing with listening, not a grilling in a pressure cooker.

It's a perfectly fine conversation to have with someone, but your execution has been awful, and really unfair, and certainly isn't going to stir up marriagey feelings in any man.

Big Bag of Chips · 18-12-2014 9:29am

lillylouxx wrote: »

Marriage is not something that i want for a few years until i am finished college and in a job that i like..........

He said that he wasn't ready and that there was loads of time for that.

You're not ready for marriage yet. He has told you he's not ready either, yet when he said it you took it as an affront to you.

You didn't discuss this. You told him you wanted a ring. Did you tell him marriage is a long way down the road? Maybe he doesn't see any point in getting engaged if there's no definite plans for marriage. People are giving you "grief"... Because you're not engaged? When you've been engaged for a few years with no sign of a wedding they will give you grief because you haven't gotten married yet.

You and your bf need to live your lives for yourselves, not for people who are just using you as a topic of conversation for a few minutes. Whether or not you two get engaged will have absolutely ZERO affect on anyone else.. Except, perhaps, they might get a night out out of it.

Talk to your bf. Let him know what you hope for, and listen to what he hopes for. He has basically told you what you think yourself, but you heard something completely different.

MistyCheese · 18-12-2014 10:09am

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

People are giving you "grief"... Because you're not engaged? When you've been engaged for a few years with no sign of a wedding they will give you grief because you haven't gotten married.

Then, say you get married, people will demand to know when you're having kids. When you do have a child they'll want to know when you're having another. Heaven help you if your two children are of the same gender, people will consider it their business to ask if you're going to try for a (other gender).

Getting an engagement ring for Christmas is something that looks nice in jewellery ads but would you not prefer to get one because your boyfriend wants to be your husband, and not because it's Christmas? Without that meaning behind it, it's just a pretty ring.

An engagement in, say, March, is more likely to be because it's what's right for the couple, as opposed to its Christmas and he knows you want to so feck it, why not?

He knows how you feel now. Give him a chance to decide how he feels. Don't expect one this Christmas. I know I'd like a man to think about something as important as marriage for longer than 6 days.

Stavro Mueller · 18-12-2014 10:18am

I think you caught your partner on the hop. Until people started going on about you not being married you were perfectly happy "just" living together. When you asked him about the ring, you'd tossed the idea around in your head for a while and decided that yes, actually you'd like to get married. For him this came out of the blue and he may have been caught on the hop. Before you decided you wanted to be married, can you remember what thoughts used to go through your own head when people raised the issue?

I think you're going to have to sit down with your partner and see what he thinks about it now that he has had time to reflect. I reckon you're afraid of what answers you might get but running away from the issue will get you nowhere.

skallywag · 18-12-2014 10:46am

Some background first OP, I am with my own partner 10 years, we have a house together and a daughter. Marriage is not something which I am against per se, and perhaps one day we will get married further down the road, who knows.

Two things which strike me about your post are that you both seemed perfectly happy before you brought this topic up, and secondly that you are both still very young compared to what is perceived as the 'norm' to get married these days. So even though you both appear perfectly happy at the moment, you are considering now 'walking away' merely because of stick you are getting off people for 'not being married'?

Forgive my bluntness but that is just insane in my opinion.

ThatFatGal · 18-12-2014 10:52am

I couldn't agree more with the above posters.

First of all, can I just suggest that the worst you can do in this situation is 'NOT TALKING TO HIM' or 'AVOIDING HIM'. Men are not like women - I learnt it the hard way. If you don't talk to him, he will just think you are not talking to him but he won't know why you're doing it. I'm sorry but it comes across as a bit childish that you're playing the mute card instead of sitting down and talking to him like two grown up adults. You should be able to discuss these things with him - how else do you expect to marry him and spend the rest of your life with him?

Also, can I ask you to be 100% honest and ask yourself - the reason you want to be married/engaged is because people have put pressure on you (saying things like, so when are you tying the knot, when is he gonna put a ring on your finger etc)?

I will be honest - 25 and 26 is a very young age - I mean, fair play to yis for going through so much together in the last 9 years but it is such a young age to be married or even engaged. I'm happy for you that you two are both working and that you're studying towards your future - I really command you. But what does it mean to you or to him that you are engaged if you're already living together and have a child together? Does that not already scream that you're committed?

While I completely understand that the pressure from friends and family can be overwhelming, think of it from his perspective - you haven't talked to him about this desire to be engaged and suddenly you ask him for a ring out of the blue - of course he will freak out.

It doesn't mean that he loves you any less. Get a hold of your own insecurity and work on your current relationship. If you want to ditch him because he doesn't want to be engaged, maybe you shouldn't be with him.

Magicmatilda · 18-12-2014 11:21am

I really think you need to discuss this further with him.
I think it would be completely unfair to your child to walk away from your pretty happy relationahip based on one conversation.
I suspect that your partner was a bit blind sided or taken aback by your request. Afterall you didn't say "listen, I'm thinking we should start discussing marraige" or "so maybe we should have a chat about getting engaged, with a view to marraige in a couple of years", no what you said is "I want an engagement ring for Christmas" - which is next week. Talk about backing him into a corner!
Now I get that you are hurt because your expectation was that he would say yes, let's! and he didn't he said I am not ready. It seems you are hearing, I don't love you and don't want to marry you. But that is not what he is saying, he is saying I am not ready right now, in this moment to get engaged. Most likely because he was shocked. Remember he was only asking what you want for christmas.
I suggest you tell him that you are hurt and why you are hurt without any blame for him, because you have to accept responsibility for your expectations. Then ask him if he sees marraige and when. Then you can work from there.
But to walk away based on his reaction to your request for an engagement ring next week would be crazy and you would realise that in a few months. It is an emotional reaction to YOUR hurt.

melon_collie · 18-12-2014 11:26am

OP you're only feeling this way now because other people are talking about it and giving you 'grief'. Live your own lives and stop worrying about what other people say or think because they haven't got a clue about whats going on in your relationship and it's none of their business anyway.

An example of this is the following. My wife's best friend is married about two years. She and her husband are unable to conceive. A woman came up to her in the street one day and said 'you're two years married now? . . . and still no sign of any kids?? A bloody stupid comment to make. My wife's friend was very upset. It's just an example though of how it's so easy for people on the outside to make stupid comments

Big Bag of Chips · 18-12-2014 11:39am

Magicmatilda wrote: »

he said I am not ready. It seems you are hearing, I don't love you and don't want to marry you. But that is not what he is saying, he is saying I am not ready right now, in this moment to get engaged.

I'd even go so far as to say he's not even thinking engagement, he's thinking marriage, and THAT'S what he's not ready for and "there's plenty time" for. And he's right. You think that yourself!!

The next natural step from engagement is marriage. Girls think of engagement and think of an announcement and showing off a lovely diamond ring. Men think engagement and think wedding and marriage. You already are committed to each other. Is a ring really going to make that commitment better? Either of you can walk away from an engagement just as easily as you can walk away from your relationship right now.

You have no idea what he thinks or thought because you have not spoken to him. As someone else said, its not a very mature way of dealing with an issue. The problem here is something has been lost in translation. To be honest, I think you now owe him an apology for your overreaction and the chance to tell you what he thinks.

You're a partnership. Life decisions should be discussed. If he does produce a ring now it will mean nothing except that he felt blackmailed into it: A ring, or I walk, bringing our child with me.

lillylouxx · 18-12-2014 2:56pm

i would like to elaborate a little (maybe i'm defending myself slightly here) I didn't stop talking to him we both didn't speak to each other after that because I guess it was awkward and its not difficult for us not to speak for a few days with work. The reason that I am avoiding the situation is because I simply don't know what to say to him. I understand why people would think that I want to get engaged because of other people but its simply not true. Yes, other people put it into my head, but the sentiment is mine. I feel its the next step. The reason that I feel prepared to walk away is not because i didn't get my own way it was because i felt very hurt by the fact that he wasn't sure about me. That is effectively what he is saying. i told him that i don't want to get married for a few years, that I would like the commitment of knowing it was eventually going to happen. he is the type of guy to wait and leave things go for a long time. which is why i thought id give him a nudge. He told me that he had never thought of marriage which also hurt. Maybe I'm wrong to feel the way that i do but I really can't control the way that I feel. I'm hurt by this and I feel if he's not ready now maybe I'm not the one. In relation to my daughter's feelings and what is fair on her, i have always and will always do what is best for her but I won't stay in a relationship that may not be going anywhere out of obligation to her. She is my everything and i would not ever make a decision without thinking of her first.
I really appreciate all comments even negative ones
Maybe I'll learn something about myself
Thank you all

Big Bag of Chips · 18-12-2014 3:12pm

... But he's not the one considering leaving an otherwise good relationship. You are. You are the one thinking of walking away. Marriage isn't important to him right now. He has a family that he is happy with. Marriage is just a formality in his eyes. It doesn't mean he doesn't want to commit to you.

Have you ever gotten the impression that he is just filling time with you? Waiting for someone better to come along? Children are a bigger commitment than engagement, marriage, houses etc. These can all be walked away from. Children are for keeps.

I still think you are not being fair to him, and have not given him a fair hearing. Do you want to end your relationship? Do you want your relationship to end? It's just a bit contradictory on one hand to say you want marriage and on the other to say you are willing to end the relationship.

You can't question his commitment to you, while threatening to walk away yourself. Would that not make him question your commitment to him?

You both need to talk. And listen.

heretochat · 18-12-2014 3:24pm

I don't mean to be harsh but in my opinion OP, the way you are dealing with this whole thing makes me question whether you are mature enough for the life time commitment of marriage in any event.

Going off in a sulk and not talking to your partner about something as important as this would suggest to me that you are in no way ready to consider that step.

You are ready to throw away a 9 year relationship because you are getting the hump about people commenting on the fact that you are not married. You are only in your mid 20s after all.

You need to communicate with your partner and see where this is all going. He is probably as confused and upset about the whole thing as you are.

Stavro Mueller · 18-12-2014 3:24pm

What I'm wondering is why you're so quick to talk about walking away. Is there something else going on here?

lillylouxx · 18-12-2014 3:28pm

I understand the contradiction
And believe me this has crossed my mind too. Our children were twins and were not planned so I wouldn't consider it a commitment on his part. You are right in what your saying and my head completely agrees with you. It's very logical and if I was on the outside looking in I would probably be saying the same as you are. I just find it difficult to overcome the "he doesn't want to get engaged therefore he doesn't see a future with me feeling". I fear that now I have said it and I know how he feels that this feeling will never go away if I stay. I am the one who threw the spanner in the works and if it ends my relationship i will take responsibility for it but when I said it, I guess was not prepared for the answer.

skallywag · 18-12-2014 3:32pm

lillylouxx wrote: »

The reason that I feel prepared to walk away is not because i didn't get my own way it was because i felt very hurt by the fact that he wasn't sure about me.

But he wasn't saying this at all as far as I can see? He was just saying he did not want to be married at the moment. You can't equate that with him not being sure about you.

Big Bag of Chips · 18-12-2014 3:33pm

You moved in together 6 years ago. That in itself is a commitment. Your babies weren't planned, but he stayed. That is another commitment.

You should really be telling him all this. Not talking for 3 days is not normal for 2 people living together, regardless of work schedules.

lillylouxx · 18-12-2014 3:38pm

Like I said before I am not ignoring him and he has not tried to speak to me either we work opposite shifts so we haven't seen each other awake since. I am simply trying to figure out what the best thing to do in this situation is before I talk to him about it again. There is nothing else going on, we were very happy (which I know sounds strange). I must be wrong to feel this way but I don't see how I change the way that I feel. By no means do I want to leave but how do you stay in a relationship where one party is more serious than the other? If a man asked a woman to marry him and she said no, im guessing most of the time it would mean the end of the relationship??

Penny Tration · 18-12-2014 3:40pm

lillylouxx wrote: »

Like I said before I am not ignoring him and he has not tried to speak to me either we work opposite shifts so we haven't seen each other awake since. I am simply trying to figure out what the best thing to do in this situation is before I talk to him about it again. There is nothing else going on, we were very happy (which I know sounds strange). I must be wrong to feel this way but I don't see how I change the way that I feel. By no means do I want to leave but how do you stay in a relationship where one party is more serious than the other? If a man asked a woman to marry him and she said no, im guessing most of the time it would mean the end of the relationship??

I think you need to step back a moment and think about what you've said. You're saying that you're more serious about the relationship than he is.

I highly doubt ANY guy in his mid-twenties would stick around for 9 years, move in with a woman, have kids and work to support the family unless he was serious!

Not being ready for marriage does not mean he's not as serious about the relationship as you. 9 years of commitment should tell you that.

Big Bag of Chips · 18-12-2014 3:40pm

You didn't ask him to marry you. You mentioned an engagement ring.

skallywag · 18-12-2014 3:43pm

lillylouxx wrote: »

If a man asked a woman to marry him and she said no, im guessing most of the time it would mean the end of the relationship??

Perhaps in Downton Abbey but not in the day and age where you are living together anyway for years and even have a family together

I really think you have let those giving you the stick get to you and you have now managed to convinced yourself that you are more committed than your other half. Apart from the marriage topic, have you any other evidence all that his heart may not be in it?

lillylouxx · 18-12-2014 3:44pm

point taken

lillylouxx · 18-12-2014 3:51pm

skallywag wrote: »

Perhaps in Downton Abbey but not in the day and age where you are living together anyway for years and even have a family together

I really think you have let those giving you the stick get to you and you have now managed to convinced yourself that you are more committed than your other half. Apart from the marriage topic, have you any other evidence all that his heart may not be in it?

If I really think about it there will always be little things that make me feel that way but overall no. i'm guessing anyone who really over thinks things will find reasons to believe their SO doesn't want to be with them. I take everyone's point and I do appreciate the help. I guess what I'm asking is where do I go from here?

strobe · 18-12-2014 3:54pm

lillylouxx wrote: »

I must be wrong to feel this way but I don't see how I change the way that I feel.

You just talk to him, calmly, and listen to what he says. At the bottom of it all you do actually come across as quite a reasonable and level headed person, so be like that in this situation.

Honestly though, you talk about the hurt you're feeling from what he's said. How hurt would you be if he threatened to leave you taking your child with him, seemingly at the drop of a hat over something you didn't even realise was an issue as he'd never discussed it with you? I know you didn't say it quite like that but at the end of the day that's what "well I don't think I want to be together then" means to him. I think you need to stop, take a step back and think about him in this situation too, rather than just yourself for a second. That was a very unfair response from you. And a potentially very damaging thing for your relationship. It's taking the trust and security that you've built up together over the last 9 years and running it through a shredder.

9 years and not engaged

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