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Am i being selfish?

  • 16-05-2012 9:45pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    hi all, going anon for this one. ok my partner of 3 years is polish we have a 1 year old son together, living together about 2 years. So his family (parents and younger brother) have decided to come for a visit next month...they have been over to stay a few times since the baby was born, which is great that they want to spend time with their grandson.
    The only problem is they have no English (which i don't expect them to, they're in their 70's and never needed it) and I have extremely basic Polish. (Again I am at fault here i should be taking classes or something)
    But, when they come to stay it's usually for 1 whole month.. in our house. This is where my big problem is, the last few times they've stayed I was working and even then I found it extremely tiring having to plaster a polite smile on my face after getting home from work when all i want to do is relax and spend some time with my son. Now tho, I have no job, I was made redundant a few weeks ago and I am absolutely dreading their arrival.
    Firstly my partner will be at work for 5 days every week so I'm the one that has to sit at home with them all day.. bearing in mind i can't have a conversation with them at all.. Also, they seem to want to know what I'm doing at all times when they are here...Last time everytime i left the house they were asking my partner where i was going "at this hour of the night"... (9pm)
    Anyway I tried to talk to my partner about it this evening, i gave out to him because he asked them to come before talking to me, and i told him 1 month was too long as he is bringing our son in September to Poland for a visit anyway.
    I am now being accused of not liking his parents and that I'm the selfish one as i haven't bothered to learn his language...
    How do i get him to see my point of view on this? I'm pretty sure he wouldn't like me landing my family in our house for a month and sodding off to work everyday leaving him with people he couldn't communicate with!!
    Or, to my original question, am i being too selfish??


Comments

  • #2
    ihsb
    Closed Accounts Posts: 678 ✭✭✭ihsb


    It is your home too. I understand that he is probably missing his family and liking the fact that they are over but a month is a long time. Even if you did speak the same language.

    Is there any room for a compromise? Say them coming for two weeks? I wouldn't say you are being selfish at all. Sure I love my family but I couldn't even put up with them for a week!:)


  • #3
    uck51js9zml2yt
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18,268 ✭✭✭✭uck51js9zml2yt


    My wife is Eastern European and her mother came over for 5 weeks after the birth of our son.

    We also have my elderly mother living with us.

    They both got on and found a way of communicating. I had a tougher time of it adjusting to parental life and not being able to tell MIL to back off a bit and let me be a father to my son.
    But it was only for a few weeks which made it easier to allow things go for the time she was over...my wife couldn't have done without having her over.

    You have the advantage of knowing some polish. I couldn't communicate, but quickly learnt a few important words.

    My wife and son are currently over there for 6 weeks.
    Its tough on the grandparents not being able to see their grand kids due to the distance so a few weeks a year is a small price to pay for my son seeing his extended family and getting more exposure to the language (he's not talking yet:))

    If it were me. I'd let it go. Tell your partner that you want to be able to do your own thing but it may just be the case that they want to go with you when you're going out. Its probably just that they want to know what you're life is like and are taking an interest in it. (I could be wrong )

    My MIL insisted on getting the weekly shop with me. We spent a few hours in absolute silence !


  • #4
    jimmycrackcorm
    Registered Users Posts: 14,329 ✭✭✭✭jimmycrackcorm


    I think you are being selfish. I don't know what your own family situation is but obviously your OH doesn't have the same opportunity to spend time with his family.

    Is your problem simply just about communication as I'm sure you can adapt to simple niceties? I don't think you are under any obligation to be an entertainer for them.


  • #5
    BarackPyjama
    Closed Accounts Posts: 974 ✭✭✭BarackPyjama


    Hmmm. I don't think you are being selfish, OP. A young couple with an infant child do not need the added burden of in-laws/parents & brothers coming to stay with them for such an incredibly long period of time. They should know themselves that a month is more than overstaying their welcome. Then again, I do know that Polish families tend to be a lot closer and 'together' in that respect. It's probably just a cultural thing but I can see how you'd be put out. We all have our lives to live as adults and even family can be a pain in the ass in doses that large.

    Having said that: I agree with King of Kings - you'll probably just have to soldier on and put up with it. Maybe have a chat with your bf that, maybe next time, they just come over for a week and then you can return the favour by visiting them in Poland. Break up the visits over the year as such.


  • #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    hi all, thanks for your replies.. my own family live about 20 minutes drive from me and we're a close family so i do understand that my partner misses his family, of course he does.
    I do feel obligated to entertain them since they're living in my house, and i just think 1 month is too long considering he's taking our son to Poland for 2 weeks in september and we are planning to spend christmas there as well.
    personally i wouldn't stay in anyone's house for a month... 2 weeks is enough!
    Plus i don't think its very fair on them, there isn't a lot to do around here and we got rid of the other car when i lost my job so i cant even drive them anywhere!


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  • #7
    Beruthiel
    Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 42,362 Mod ✭✭✭✭Beruthiel


    Wow. I could barely manage a few days, a month would be totally out of the question.
    They're not from the other side of the world, so coming for a month is just madness.
    Could they not come more often but for a shorter amount of time?
    Compromise. Tell your partner that 2 weeks is enough.

    As for him saying you're selfish.
    You could say that he is also selfish for expecting you to have to live with two people you cannot communicate with for one whole month in what is your home too and expecting you to just put up with it.

    My mother in law is french and when she comes to visit, my hubby is well aware of the fact that it is up to him to entertain her, not me.
    I don't expect him to entertain my parents.


  • #8
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    I dont think you are being selfish at all, house guests for a month would be very tiring even if there wasnt a language barrier.

    No one seems to be being very practical. What do they expect to do in the house all day every day for 4 weeks? Couldnt they hire a car and do their own thing a bit? There is really no excuse on either side for not learning basic language skills. Is your partner planning on taking time off work to entertain them or spend time with them?

    I simply wouldnt allow it and its nothing to do with not liking the in laws, I just wouldnt be a servant to houseguests for 4 weeks. A week, 2 weeks at a big stretch but not 4 weeks. Its pretty rude of anyone to descend upon you for that length tbh.


  • #9
    Galwaymother
    Registered Users Posts: 192 ✭✭Galwaymother


    I do think there is a cultural aspect to this. In many countries families are actually more in each others pockets than here, and if they are separated, try to see one another for as long as possible when they meet.
    My own grand-mothers use to come from Argentina to Paris for really long, from 3 to 6 months, and they weren't 'house-guests', but actually helped in every way and relieved my mother of a lot of the housework etc. We would share my bedroom when I was a teen, so it would not be necessarily easy, but that's what families do!
    I'm going over to Argentina myself in the Summer for five weeks with my two children, and will be staying in my aunt's for all that time...
    I haven't seen this happen here that much, even when family members come from the States, they often take an apartment or travel around, they're not necessarily coming to spend time with the family.
    Add a baby to the mix, and well, you have to put yourself in their shoes!
    Maybe don't think of them as 'house-guests', but as family?
    As for the language barrier, I find people always understand one another for the essentials.
    Though I do think they should be able to entertain themselves, not be totally dependent on you (i.e. go for walks, take buses or bikes, do things on their own) and help in the house and with the baby...It's natural and automatic in my family!
    Best of luck!


  • #10
    OS119
    Registered Users Posts: 2,518 ✭✭✭OS119


    anonincase wrote: »
    ... I'm the selfish one as i haven't bothered to learn his language...

    i'm struggling to see how not learning Polish while living in an English speaking country is selfish, but then i'm a bluff old traditionalist....

    my initial, and over-riding, reaction is to give him the big old FO - i certainly wouldn't want anyone staying in my house for a month, regardless of where they're coming from. if they're going to see your son 3 times this year anyway, and Poland is what, only a 3 hour flight away, then that reaction is even stronger.

    the only caveat, and its both only a small one, and its not a reason to tell your him to get a grip and grow-up, is that he may be under pressure from the family back home. that said, it may be an even bigger reason to ensure that he 'gets a grip'. this time its his family coming to stay for a month without consultation - if that goes through without being stamped on, what will it be next time?


  • #11
    PlainP
    Closed Accounts Posts: 714 ✭✭✭PlainP


    Could you not ask them to say in a B&B for two weeks and your house for the other two weeks?

    This would give them time to get out and about themselves but still give them the feedom to drop over to your house when they wanted to.


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  • #12
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    I think you need to sit down and work out how this is really going to work OP and try to thrash out a compromise you are both happy with. As one half of a mixed nationality marriage I think such conflicts are inevitable, we certainly had a few.

    Are they going to have a bit of travelling around Ireland while they are here? Is your husband willing to take some time off to entertain HIS family? Is he going to help with all the extra work, cooking, shopping, etc, that they are going to create? If they are coming over for a month is two week trip over as well as Christmas still really necessary? Can they rent a cottage or something nearby? Will they rent a car so they are not stuck in the house with you 24/7? Can you go stay with your parents and give his family your house?

    Most of all though - he has to be willing and able to tell his parental family what does and does not suit him and his own wee family...accepting whatever demands and announcements they make and expecting you to carry the majority of the inconvenience and extra work they create is only going to cause resentment to build up - and then the danger is blowing up and causing permanent damage to your relationship with him/his family when being forced to live for such a long time in such close proximity.

    All the very best.


  • #13
    hondasam
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,419 ✭✭✭✭hondasam


    anonincase wrote: »
    hi all, going anon for this one. ok my partner of 3 years is polish we have a 1 year old son together, living together about 2 years. So his family (parents and younger brother) have decided to come for a visit next month...they have been over to stay a few times since the baby was born, which is great that they want to spend time with their grandson.
    The only problem is they have no English (which i don't expect them to, they're in their 70's and never needed it) and I have extremely basic Polish. (Again I am at fault here i should be taking classes or something)
    But, when they come to stay it's usually for 1 whole month.. in our house. This is where my big problem is, the last few times they've stayed I was working and even then I found it extremely tiring having to plaster a polite smile on my face after getting home from work when all i want to do is relax and spend some time with my son. Now tho, I have no job, I was made redundant a few weeks ago and I am absolutely dreading their arrival.
    Firstly my partner will be at work for 5 days every week so I'm the one that has to sit at home with them all day.. bearing in mind i can't have a conversation with them at all.. Also, they seem to want to know what I'm doing at all times when they are here...Last time everytime i left the house they were asking my partner where i was going "at this hour of the night"... (9pm)
    Anyway I tried to talk to my partner about it this evening, i gave out to him because he asked them to come before talking to me, and i told him 1 month was too long as he is bringing our son in September to Poland for a visit anyway.
    I am now being accused of not liking his parents and that I'm the selfish one as i haven't bothered to learn his language...
    How do i get him to see my point of view on this? I'm pretty sure he wouldn't like me landing my family in our house for a month and sodding off to work everyday leaving him with people he couldn't communicate with!!
    Or, to my original question, am i being too selfish??

    What age is his younger brother if they are in their 70's?
    A month is a long time especially if they cannot do stuff on their own. I'm sure you are not expected to cook for them and entertain them every day.
    It is his family and I'm sure you would want him to be nice to your family.
    I don't think your are being selfish because it is a big ask with people who are as old as these two.


  • #14
    analucija
    Closed Accounts Posts: 363 ✭✭analucija


    My parents come for a visit couple times per year. I'd probably kick them out if they'd be staying with us for more than a week or ten days. I don't think you are selfish at all but it is very awkward situation because it's probably better to keep good relations with them. And they do miss their son and grand child. Maybe it would be best to suffer through it this time and make some kind of an excuse and organize shorter visit next time.


  • #15
    strandroad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,676 ✭✭✭strandroad


    I think that you're not selfish in thinking that a month is a lot. I would talk to your OH and try and bring it down to 2-3 weeks or so. It's also not on that he decided without you so pull him up on this.

    But (being Polish) I can tell you that there is a lot of factors you're not seeing if you only think about them as house-guests. In a typical family they would see themselves as your family, not guests. They would probably expect to share house duties, babysit etc. rather than expecting to be waited on hand and foot; they may even think they are doing you a favour coming over to help out - if so, use it! Bonding with their grandson would be an important thing in their lives and for a typical family it's not realistic to be able to afford flights for three people multiple times a year, Polish salaries are much lower than Irish salaries and pensions are a joke. You probably won't be flying over lots either if you've been made redundant. To come over to meet your family they are probably giving up their holidays and so they might want to do sightseeing, therefore they'll be out of your hair. Is your brother in law not able to communicate in English? English is compulsory in primary/secondary schools; he may not be confident but it's not likely that he doesn't have any!

    I think that you should weigh your reservations against the fact that their contact with their grandson is very restricted compared to yours or your parents' up the road. I don't think it's fair to deny them this contact just because you need to make effort (and the effort may be easier this time since you won't be so tired from work). It is of course fair to try and plan ahead so that it's comfortable for everyone; for example, encouraging or arranging some sightseeing, allowing them to take you son out for walks, making sure you have language help from your BIL, a friend etc. Perhaps your partner has some Polish friends who could take them out, show them places etc., and you could use this opportunity to pick up some phrases and allow your son to absorb some language too. Perhaps your partner can take calls at work, or has a friend who could be available on the phone during the day so that you can have a quick translation if you need it.

    Welcome to the joys of living in a multinational family :)


  • #16
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    Galwaymother wrote: »
    Maybe don't think of them as 'house-guests', but as family?

    This is a grand way to think about it if you are ok with the situation, but the OP has made it clear that she is not. She doesnt have relationships with them, she cant communicate with them, but she is expected to mind them.

    It doesnt matter if they are house guests or family, speak the language or not, help out or expect to be waited on hand and foot - extra people staying in your home generate extra work, cooking, cleaning, washing - no matter how much you like them or can communicate with them, your home is not your own while they are there, you cannot flop down and watch tv in your nip and ignore the sink full of dirty dishes, and in this case they have no transport, there is a language barrier and she will be stuck with them day in and day out.

    I just cant see them doing loads of helpful housework if they are in their 70s - can you?

    I dont think its a case that they shouldnt come, or they should stay elsewhere - but 4 weeks is just way too long. Poland is in Europe - its not a big deal to get to and from and flights are cheap - so why not make two 2 week visits over the year rather than one 4 week one?


  • #17
    strandroad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,676 ✭✭✭strandroad


    username123 wrote: »
    I dont think its a case that they shouldnt come, or they should stay elsewhere - but 4 weeks is just way too long. Poland is in Europe - its not a big deal to get to and from and flights are cheap - so why not make two 2 week visits over the year rather than one 4 week one?

    The flights are not cheap, relatively. Typically you'd be paying ca €200pp for a return, €150 if you're lucky. At their age they must be pensioners and an OA pension in Poland is €250-€400 per month, unless you had your own business, private fund etc. (average salary is €900pm). If OP's partner has been covering their flights before he's not likely to continue doing so if he's the only one working ATM.
    Not disagreeing with you, just pointing out this factor. I think the situation requires much better planning/time sharing on OP's partner's side if it's to go ahead.


  • #18
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    mhge wrote: »
    The flights are not cheap, relatively. Typically you'd be paying ca €200pp for a return, €150 if you're lucky. At their age they must be pensioners and an OA pension in Poland is €250-€400 per month, unless you had your own business, private fund etc. (average salary is €900pm). If OP's partner has been covering their flights before he's not likely to continue doing so if he's the only one working ATM.
    Not disagreeing with you, just pointing out this factor. I think the situation requires much better planning/time sharing on OP's partner's side if it's to go ahead.

    If they are pensioners, then they can take the cheapest options for flights possible, like mid week.

    No one has mentioned their financial situation, but I think its safe to say that if they are staying for a couple of weeks, the cost of food and heating/utilities in someone elses home would cover the cost of the flights.

    Given that the financial situation has not been mentioned it is not correct to make assumptions - but certainly the media would have you believe that the polish can fly in and out of dublin for buttons.


  • #19
    strandroad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,676 ✭✭✭strandroad


    Yes there used to be a period in mid-noughties when budget lines were expanding aggressively and you could easily get a return flight in the €50-100 range all included but once they got the market covered the flights went up like everything else. I haven't paid less than €150 in years and I can fly midweek etc.

    What I'm trying to say is that with the financial discrepancy (and possibly psychological too, because unless they were very lucky in life, people of their generation are not likely to be well travelled by Irish standards) this trip for them is more akin to when Irish people are visiting their families in Argentina or Japan, and may feel way overboard for someone who was brought up with weekend breaks every two months, weddings abroad and going travelling as soon as you've graduated :)


  • #20
    uck51js9zml2yt
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18,268 ✭✭✭✭uck51js9zml2yt


    I'm flying to krakow next week and its costing over 200 return per ticket.
    we fly over to visit family and its never under that midweek.
    at the moment our son is free. next year it Will be 3 tickets :-$


  • #21
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    hi all, Op here, the brother is 28 and has very basic english but is very quiet and to be honest i don't think he's impressed at being dragged over again to sit in our house all day but the parents are insisting he come along.
    To be fair the mother is great to help out, she loves cooking and does a lot around the kitchen. It seems the men in my partners family are used to having their dinner served up to them by her, she does all the cooking when she's here and they sit at the table and wait. Even down to cups of tea, she will make them. My own family are not like that at all, my mam did make dinner but if you wanted anything else throughout the day you get it yourself... and that's the way i am.
    The father is great with my son but is an awful moaner.. last time he gave the entire month complaining about everything irish, ie the weather (fair enough) that he doesn't like irish food, the bread & potatoes etc are nicer from the polish shop. This almost drove me insane the last time he was here.
    Also they are on a limited pension from what i gather so we always pay for their flights and all extra food, drink etc. so them renting a car or staying in a b&b is out of the question.
    I'm worried about the cost of their stay for a whole month as well since we now have only 1 wage coming into the house but my partner gets very defensive when i mention any of this and just sees it as me not liking his parents.
    At the end of the day they are a part of our family and i do like them (in small doses) and want them to be part of my sons life but 1 month is too much.
    My partner doesn't take more than 1 or 2 days off when they come, he just takes them places on a saturday & sunday, & if they want to buy stuff to bring back home, he pays for it. He says that they're coming to help and give me a break.
    As username123 said, giving me a break from the baby means nothing if im not comfortable in my own house, the last time they came i let my partners dad get my son and give him breakfast etc and i went back to bed until 11am. Sorriest thing i ever did, the father was commenting on it for the day, couldn't understand how someone could sleep til almost noon.
    sorry if this is long winded.. i don't want to come across as totally against them coming but my partner is making me feel guilty as hell. I don't want to explode from frustration and have them think im a right cow. (this caused many fights with my partner last time & i don't want it happening again)


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  • #22
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    I really feel for you OP - I personally wouldnt be happy about it at all either.

    Its really something for yourself and your partner to come to some compromise on. There is no point in your feeling worn out and frustrated and resentful - because that is how you will feel - and you need to talk to your partner and get him to understand that - but without confrontation - because now its already a 'thing' so no doubt anytime its brought up it causes rows.

    For this visit, you will have to grit your teeth I think, but going forward, you need to draw a line in the sand. You cannot be expected to be made feel this way in your own home and this is not about liking someones parents, its about your own rights to a bit of peace in your own home.

    At this stage Id speak to my GP, explain the levels of stress you are feeling, ask if there is anything you can be prescribed to help with the stress for a short time period - maybe something to help you sleep or feel more calm?


  • #23
    tinkerbell
    Registered Users Posts: 6,423 ✭✭✭tinkerbell


    1 month is way too long when you say they sit around the house all day, there's a language barrier, you feel uncomfortable in your own home and you have a young child. Look, you have as much of a say as this as your partner does. Tell your partner that 1 month is simply way too long and he has to start taking your feelings into account. For god's sake, you'd swear they were coming from the moon that they had to come for a month, they are only coming from Poland!!

    I think you need to put your foot down OP. Tell your partner, two weeks max.


  • #24
    Daisy M
    Registered Users Posts: 1,559 ✭✭✭Daisy M


    You said that this caused fights last time and you dont want it happening again. This rang alarm bells with me. (I remember a post I think it was around christmas 2010 was that you?) You need to reach some kind of compromise with your partner. To a certain degree it comes across that when it comes to his family he calls the shots and if you disagree with any of the decisions then you are accused of been selfish, that is unfair to say the least. Its great that he is good to his parents and wants to involve them in your lives but it shouldnt mean that he ignores your feelings. If there are serious financial worries then he has to take them on board, its unfair of him to treat them to all their purchases if you and your child have to do without. You should both reach an agreed set budget that is affordable and no more. When his parents question your comings and goings he should explain that it is not their concern and ask them to not question the things you choose to do. You should not be second best to his family, would he tolerate your parents questioning his activity?


  • #25
    curlzy
    Registered Users Posts: 1,708 ✭✭✭curlzy


    Daisy M wrote: »
    when it comes to his family he calls the shots and if you disagree with any of the decisions then you are accused of been selfish, that is unfair to say the least.

    Got to agree with the above. OP, it sounds like you're being bullied to me. In other cultures old people are sacred and are allowed to say what they like, such as your FIL commenting on your sleeping habits the one bloody time you let him mind his grandchild:rolleyes:. To be honest I couldn't submit to that kind of behaviour. My partner would be told to cop on to himself, why would you like them if they behave like that and are glued to you? Seriously time to stop taking that kind of crap, foot down. It's your house too, he should ask you before making plans that consist of offering your time for 4 weeks to spend slaving away for judgemental people that don't even speak your language. So yeah I'd be saying NO, they can't come for a month and stay with you. If he insists on them coming I'd go stay with my own parents while they're over.


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