It's not just a phase...

McChubbin · 19-05-2014 7:24pm #1

A little background:
When I was around 12 I was feeling extremely confused due to experiencing crushes on girls. I felt like something wasn't right and after a period of reflection deduced that I must indeed be bisexual. After keeping it to myself and trying to hide I one day summed up my courage and told my mother that I liked girls atb the age of 15.
She just looked me dead in the eye and said "It's just a phase. You'll get over it."
Then she went back to watching the telly and I shuffled back into a closet of my own making.

11 years later and after a breakdown that had me re-evaluating the way I live my life, I decided life was too short to spend living a lonely existence in Narnia.
Not long after I had my breakdown, I went to Pride with a few lesbian friends and I built up my confidence enough to firmly tell my mother I was truely bisexual.

She didn't like it and insisted it was all just me attempting to pigeon-hole myself, that I was being brainwashed by my gay friends and that I was joking.
She just wouldn't accept the notion that I am physically attracted to both men and women.

Today, after a conversation about my matches on an online dating site revealed I was talking to a fellow bisexual woman, my mother keeps insisting that it's all just a phase with me, that I wouldn't be like this if I had the right man in my life.
I find such opinions extremely insulting and to make matters worse, it's likely I'll be labelled a lesbian if I *do* end up with a woman.
Likewise, if I end up with a man, no doubt my mother will triumphantly declare she was right all along and conclude that it was all just a bout of madness brought on by having my heart broken by an ex-boyfriend and the subsequent 5 years of being single.

The reason I'm posting here is because I'm fed up of being treated like a lipstick lesbian, that my mother thinks I'm doing this for attention.
It is frustrating the hell out of me and I'm feeling angry, insulted and dejected due to the fact that she simply will not accept the concept of bisexuality.

Her view is that you are either gay or straight- there is no middle ground, no grey area and that people who are bisexual are promiscuous. She has actually said that if I was to enter into a relationship with a woman I would always be on my guard because my partner would potentially be checking out other women.

Can anyone relate to this?
What can I say to my mother to make her understand that I am not confused or sick of men? How can I make her see that bisexuality exists and that I truely identify myself as such? She just won't listen and it saddens me that she won't accept me as I am.

Incidently, my mother is (for the most part) the only person in my family who knows of my sexuality for definate. For everyone else, it is an open secret but rarely if ever mentioned in explicit detail.

Ambersky · 20-05-2014 12:55pm

Id imagine things will sort themselves out as you live your own life and simply put your energy into finding out more about who you are and want to be.
Perhaps stop worrying about your mother and get on with beiing an adult. The more you separate from her and live as an adult the more she will treat you like one.

baby and crumble · 20-05-2014 1:07pm

There comes a point in everyone's life when you realise that your parents, for want of a better word, can be assholes. Perhaps not about everything, but certainly some things. And tbh, you have to learn to let it go.

My GF's Mum really doesn't 'get' bisexuality. She has no issues with being gay, or lesbian- she understands being attracted to someone your same gender (even though she finds it odd since that's not who she is, if you know what I mean?) Like, she sees her daughter as being a lesbian, because she's with me, which isn't really fair, but what can you do?

This does speak to a wider problem though, which is that bisexuality still isn't seen as a valid sexuality. I mean, even I was like "Nah, doesn't exist" for ages. Even after getting with my GF. Now, having grown up and met some random, cool, different people whose lives are very different from my own my attitude to lots of things has changed. But society, in general, is getting to be fine with gay & lesbian relationships- not s much bisexuality. You're immediately labelled according to who you're with at whatever point in time, and it takes a lot of effort to keep the rest of your sexuality, the now "hidden" part there. I know a load of people who are bi and in relationships (in some cases married with kids) with the opposite gender and they are completely excluded from the LGBT scene, in many ways. It actually really winds me up.

The long and short of it is, OP, that you have to stop caring so much about what your Mam says, and just live your life. Its hard, but it's really not her concern who you end up with, and so long as you are happy with whoever that is isn't that the main thing?

Aard · 20-05-2014 1:46pm

If I've done my sums right OP, you're 26. More than old enough to stop caring what mammy thinks. If she doesn't get it, that's her problem not yours. You don't have to explain yourself or convince her of anything. So what if you end up with a man and she gloats? She's only codding herself at the end of the day, which unfortunately is the only way some old people know in order to deal with changing social values.

McChubbin · 20-05-2014 3:43pm

Thanks for the replies, guys. I guess I DO take her comments to heart a little too much but it's hard to let it go when I just want her to accept me. Still, like one poster said, I'm old enough to stop caring what my parents think and live my own life. Easier said than done when you still live at home. :rolleyes:
Oh well. It's her problem to deal with moreso than mine so I've decided not to force the issue any longer.

It's not just a phase...

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