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I am a friend · 04-03-2012, 13:14

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunflower27

I know you do, but surely you only want someone in your life that wants to be with you in the same way you want to be with them?

It hurts like hell, but if he has made the decision to be single, then that is his choice and you just have to accept it.

A break-up can be incredibly painful and you are not going to fee great for a while, but think what chasing him will do... he will not miss you, he will not experience what life is like without you in it.

None of us know what will happen, but the best thing you can do is focus on yourself now. Mourn the loss and by all means cry your heart out, but please for your own sake, leave him be. He knows you want him back.

+1000

There is nothing constructive (but plenty destructive to your own pride) you can do now so its best to leave things lie... Its horrendously hard, I know that but you have no choice pet..

thelmascanl · 05-03-2012, 01:12

Hey

Thanks for all the replies you guys have been so helpful. So today I was admitted to hospital and the instant he found out he was texting me and even when I didn't text back he sent a stream of messages asking what was happening, etc. and when he came in to see me he held my hand and brought in my favourite one of his t-shirts to sleep in and my hand cream and pj's even though I didn't ask him for anything. He is still texting me just general conversation. Now I'm even more confused. What is going through his head??

P. Breathnach · 05-03-2012, 01:43

Quote:

Originally Posted by thelmascanl

... So today I was admitted to hospital ...

I hope it's not a serious matter, and that you are out soon.

Quote:

... Now I'm even more confused. What is going through his head??

Concern for your well-being. That does not have to mean that he wants to re-establish the relationship. Your hospitalisation might cause him to re-consider what he has done, but he might still believe that he made the right decision.

I am a friend · 05-03-2012, 08:03

Quote:

Originally Posted by thelmascanl

the instant he found out he was texting me and even when I didn't text back he sent a stream of messages asking what was happening

I am really sorry to hear you are in hospital.. Hope you are out very soon.

How did he find out?

I think this response is normal as he is bound to want to know how you are given that you did nothing bad to him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by thelmascanl

when he came in to see me he held my hand and brought in my favourite one of his t-shirts to sleep in and my hand cream and pj's even though I didn't ask him for anything.

As the other poster said, dont read into this as he is concerned for you. it really doesnt mean he will come back on bended knee....

TBH, him bringing you his t-shirt to sleep in is a total mind-fu(k when he has just finished the relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by thelmascanl

He is still texting me just general conversation.

I am sorry but I dont know why you were confused... He has treated you badly in the last week or so and nothing has changed. He is just playing the good friend to stop himself feeling guilty whereas all he is actually doing is stopping you heal.

OP, if he does decide he wants to get back I would not jump into it... I would take my time and demand a very good explanation from him as to why he has been acting the way he has... then have a long hard think about it because if he is only getting back cos you are in hospital then this will happen again in 6 weeks / 6 months as the issues havent been resolved.

Get well soon.

sunflower27 · 05-03-2012, 09:39

OP, I do know how you feel and it is very confusing.

I got ill (just a very bad flu) after I split with an ex. He was incrdibly good to me during that, but it wasn't hat he wanted to come badk. I think he felt really guilty.

Giving you the t-shirt was stupid, to say the least, but he probably thought it would be comforting for you not to feel alone.

This reading into things is going to happen for a while, and will continue to do so as long as you keep in contact with him.

All that matters is what he says. Unless he says he wants to get back together, everything else is irrelevant. As I said, he knows you want him back and he knows what he has to say if he wants that to happen.

I really hope you get better soon, but for now you have to accept it is over, no matter how painful that is.

It is a really painful time for you and I totally understand you clutching at straws. It will get easier and if I could take your pain away I would. It is horrific, but you will get past it - just like the rest of us that have dealt with heartbreak. xx

thelmascanl · 07-03-2012, 14:12

He is now asking if we can be friends with benefits. he says he loves me and wants us to be best friends and wants us to still have sex?? How is that so different to being in a relationship??

fits · 07-03-2012, 14:20

Quote:

Originally Posted by thelmascanl

He is now asking if we can be friends with benefits. he says he loves me and wants us to be best friends and wants us to still have sex?? How is that so different to being in a relationship??

Ok. That is really not cool. That is taking advantage of you. Cut all contact with him and move on.. You will get over this if you try.

fits · 07-03-2012, 14:24

btw OP, I also got the whole talking about marriage a few days before I was dumped.

In my case I think he really was just contemplating his future and if I'd be in it and thats probably why it came up. I really was gutted when it ended but a year on, I know we werent right for each other at all, and that he made the right call.

Its amazing how time and distance will heal

I am a friend · 07-03-2012, 14:55

Quote:

Originally Posted by thelmascanl

He is now asking if we can be friends with benefits. he says he loves me and wants us to be best friends and wants us to still have sex?? How is that so different to being in a relationship??

Oh what a lovely guy...

Basically it's different to a relationship in that he has no responsibility towards you and can shag who he wants without you being able gave an issue with it.

dellas1979 · 07-03-2012, 19:27

Quote:

Originally Posted by thelmascanl

He is now asking if we can be friends with benefits. he says he loves me and wants us to be best friends and wants us to still have sex?? How is that so different to being in a relationship??

I know you probably want to do this because to you are hurting and it is a way of being close to him, and the "maybe he'll change his mind" but please for your own sake/health/mental state, dont. No matter what cards he is putting on the table, you deserve to be treated better than this. Take back control of the situation and say "no". Just "no". No explanation. Dont be all "I feel..." Just "no".

sunflower27 · 07-03-2012, 21:01

This is just awful... oh God, talk about callous. I really hope you don't take up his selfish offer.

How dare he break your heart and suggest this.

Think of yourself here and don't be fooled. As you are not officially together he can still do as he pleases and keep you as a fall-back. Tell him to sling his hook.

Walls · 08-03-2012, 09:02

By suggesting sex with you outside the context of a relationship, he is acknowledging the fact that he feels an emotional and sexual connection to you. He is hoping to maintain that, probably (in his mind) a perfectly straightforward bond that he has nothing to apologise for.

Unfortunately, he is doing this after he has refused any committment to you, any acknowledgement of your hopes and dreams for yourself, him or a life the pair of you might have had together, and an even further refusal that you might have your own thoughts on this situation - you might be in a world of emotional pain here, but he's isn't able or willing to see that.

Can I remind you that what you wanted was a permanent bond recognised by society, whereas what he wants is for the pair of you to consider each other 'on the side'. This is so far from what you want or wanted for yourself it is on another planet. It really would be wise to cut all contact for a very long while with this person. No more compassionate visits, no more attempts on his part to be 'nice' and have him believe he is deciding the agenda here. He's not only not what you need but he doesn't see the huge chasm between what you both want, and being around him is just going to be immensely painful for a very long while.

Sephiroth_dude · 08-03-2012, 19:36

Quote:

Originally Posted by thelmascanl

He is now asking if we can be friends with benefits. he says he loves me and wants us to be best friends and wants us to still have sex?? How is that so different to being in a relationship??

Tell him to **** off,cheeky bugger!

08-03-2012, 09:02	#42
Walls Registered User Join Date: Dec 2001 Posts: 1,212 Adverts \| Friends	By suggesting sex with you outside the context of a relationship, he is acknowledging the fact that he feels an emotional and sexual connection to you. He is hoping to maintain that, probably (in his mind) a perfectly straightforward bond that he has nothing to apologise for. Unfortunately, he is doing this after he has refused any committment to you, any acknowledgement of your hopes and dreams for yourself, him or a life the pair of you might have had together, and an even further refusal that you might have your own thoughts on this situation - you might be in a world of emotional pain here, but he's isn't able or willing to see that. Can I remind you that what you wanted was a permanent bond recognised by society, whereas what he wants is for the pair of you to consider each other 'on the side'. This is so far from what you want or wanted for yourself it is on another planet. It really would be wise to cut all contact for a very long while with this person. No more compassionate visits, no more attempts on his part to be 'nice' and have him believe he is deciding the agenda here. He's not only not what you need but he doesn't see the huge chasm between what you both want, and being around him is just going to be immensely painful for a very long while. Last edited by Walls; 08-03-2012 at 09:08. Reason: Forgot a word.

05-03-2012, 01:12	#32
thelmascanl Registered User Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 10 Adverts \| Friends	Hey Thanks for all the replies you guys have been so helpful. So today I was admitted to hospital and the instant he found out he was texting me and even when I didn't text back he sent a stream of messages asking what was happening, etc. and when he came in to see me he held my hand and brought in my favourite one of his t-shirts to sleep in and my hand cream and pj's even though I didn't ask him for anything. He is still texting me just general conversation. Now I'm even more confused. What is going through his head??

05-03-2012, 09:39	#35
sunflower27 Registered User Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: The Sunny South East! Posts: 7,636 Adverts \| Friends	OP, I do know how you feel and it is very confusing. I got ill (just a very bad flu) after I split with an ex. He was incrdibly good to me during that, but it wasn't hat he wanted to come badk. I think he felt really guilty. Giving you the t-shirt was stupid, to say the least, but he probably thought it would be comforting for you not to feel alone. This reading into things is going to happen for a while, and will continue to do so as long as you keep in contact with him. All that matters is what he says. Unless he says he wants to get back together, everything else is irrelevant. As I said, he knows you want him back and he knows what he has to say if he wants that to happen. I really hope you get better soon, but for now you have to accept it is over, no matter how painful that is. It is a really painful time for you and I totally understand you clutching at straws. It will get easier and if I could take your pain away I would. It is horrific, but you will get past it - just like the rest of us that have dealt with heartbreak. xx

07-03-2012, 14:12	#36
thelmascanl Registered User Join Date: Feb 2011 Posts: 10 Adverts \| Friends	He is now asking if we can be friends with benefits. he says he loves me and wants us to be best friends and wants us to still have sex?? How is that so different to being in a relationship??

07-03-2012, 14:24	#38
fits Registered User Join Date: Jun 2005 Posts: 4,004 Adverts \| Friends	btw OP, I also got the whole talking about marriage a few days before I was dumped. In my case I think he really was just contemplating his future and if I'd be in it and thats probably why it came up. I really was gutted when it ended but a year on, I know we werent right for each other at all, and that he made the right call. Its amazing how time and distance will heal

07-03-2012, 21:01	#41
sunflower27 Registered User Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: The Sunny South East! Posts: 7,636 Adverts \| Friends	This is just awful... oh God, talk about callous. I really hope you don't take up his selfish offer. How dare he break your heart and suggest this. Think of yourself here and don't be fooled. As you are not officially together he can still do as he pleases and keep you as a fall-back. Tell him to sling his hook.