[kwearykoru]

If you are due to have your baby in one of the big maternity hospitals you should speak to a social worker there.

[Fizzlesque]

Culchiewoman, I fully understand where you're coming from, with regard to the lifelong repercussions of adoption - and how important it is that a woman thinking about adoption is made aware of the potential for severe emotional trauma at some point along the way - but I disagree with your suggestion lillytop wait until after the baby is born to begin looking at her options. As it stands, she will, legally, be bound to wait six weeks before signing any papers, so if she changes her mind, there won't be any reason why she can't do so. As any woman who has given birth knows, your emotions are all over the place and waiting till then to *begin* considering whether or not to adopt is fraught with danger.

Lillytop hasn't asked us to help her reach a decision as to whether or not she should choose adoption, despite the title of her thread - her opening post is quite clear that she wants to start the process and try find a couple. If she'd asked us for personal experiences about the emotional upheaval, I'd willingly shared mine, but she didn't. I suspect the fact you were forced to relinquish your baby has a lot of bearing on your strength of feeling here. Forcing a woman to relinquish her child is cruelty in its most brutal form. I feel deeply for your loss, I truly do.

Many adopted children have very happy lives with their adopted families - there's a thread on this forum and some of the posters have written about their experiences and how happy they are - one poster in particular stood out in my mind, chocolate-something (can't remember the full name) so it's unfair and untrue to assume absolutely every single adopted child will have difficulties and be better off with their birthmother. The child matters in all of this too - it's important to remember that.

As someone who was beaten daily by her stepmother as a child, I know how damaging being brought up in a bad environment can be. I'm not saying lillytop will beat her child (not at all) but you seem to be glossing over the harsh reality that sometimes a woman just isn't in the right place to give her child a good life.

As I said earlier, if lillytop asked for birthmothers to share their experiences, I'd have plenty to tell her, but she didn't. If a friend of mine came to me and told me she was thinking of adopting her baby, I'd try and talk her out of it, based on my own experience, but that feeling is one I have today, 23 years after the fact, and doesn't take my daughter's welfare into consideration at all - only how it has affected me.

My highly emotional response to the battle between my feelings about adoption and my feelings about being brought up in a neglectful/abusive/limited home would be to tell any woman who finds herself pregnant and unable to cope to have an abortion. Many will criticise me for that, and I have to restate that it's a highly emotional response because this is a highly emotional issue for me. There really is no easy answer. I wish our biology was the opposite way round, and we had to take a pill to get pregnant instead of a pill to stop it happening, so no woman would ever find herself struggling to cope with a crisis pregnancy. That's how stumped I am when trying to make sense of my constantly changing emotions regarding adoption. I hate it with a passion, but when I get photos and letters from my daughter, I see a beautiful young woman, with a good head on her shoulders, loving life and living it to the full and I can't be sure things would have worked out even half as well for her if I'd chosen to parent her myself.

I could say so much more, but this is lillytop's thread - not a platform for me to discuss my personal adoption heartbreak story.

I wish you all the best.

[gradnic]

I know that this has nothing to do with the information sought in the original post, but there is something that must be said. When I lost my child to adoption decades ago, I was bullied by the intimidating language and rantings of the self righteous. There were dire warnings of the fate worse than death that faced my child were I to selfishly insist on single motherhood. It seems that intimidating language and self righteousness is still around, but is now aimed at those who do not chose single motherhood for whatever reason. We are all aware of precautionary measures, but short of putting every 12 yr old on the pill, how can a girl be protected against pregnancy from sexual assault? The academic language did nothing to disguise the personal anger. We can do no more than our best, and we have not walked in the shoes of the girl who feels unable to keep her baby. Finally, it is not true to say that all children should be reared by the people who gave birth to them. In my line of work I have witnessed many situations where children learned to survive in spite of the women who gave birth to them and would have been much better off with a stranger. Human life is not black and white.

[pwurple]

Just wanted to say I'm sure you will find fantastic adoptive parents for your child. The irish adoption agency puts couples through lots of tests to make sure they are able for it, and provides support all along the way. There are absolutely loads of couples who will be overjoyed to get the chance to adopt.

[biddybops]

Originally Posted by lillytop

Thank you culchiewoman for sharing your opinion, but I do believe that "personal reasons" could be something that not even you, with all your knowledge could understand. Each person has problems in life and different ways to deal with them. I try do not judge anything or anyone and I'm telling you that I already decided to give the baby for adoption. I'm aware of all the difficulties and issues and I used my own judgement to determinate what is the most appropriate in my situation.

Moonbeam - Thank you very much. I've sent an email and they answered me with some websites. But I'm still looking for couples outside of agencies. That would be my first choice.

kathy finn - It's a very difficult time, you're right. But I'm not Irish and the law does not apply for me. I'd have to live on my own and I just can't handle it and there's other circumstances as well. But I'm very thankful for your support.


Dades - Thank you very much for mediation. I admire people that care about each other and just want to help. I feel very happy for having this space to share my feelings.

If there's anyone here that has information, I'd like to know. And thank you very much, one more time.

Hi lilytop,
First of all congratulations on your pregnancy, I'm sure you feel that it is more commiseration than congratulations you feel at the moment but you are bringing a baby into the world and that in itself is a life changing experience for you.
Adoption in Ireland is a very emotive issue, as I am sure you have noticed by previous posters. Women and children have been very let down by the state and just don't want you or your child to suffer the same fate as them, that is why even years later emotions are still raw.
I know when I was expecting my first child I always thought I was pregnant but I never realised what it was to be expecting a baby!
Pregnancy is a medical condition, but when you give birth you will experience overwhelming emotions when you see your baby for the first time and this is something that you will have to prepare yourself for if you are thinking about adoption.
In Ireland the state regulates your affairs so I am sure your ob/gyn is fully aware of your situation and will in the next few months suggest a meeting with a social worker, all I can advise you is not to attend an interview with a social worker without another person present ( I could make a joke about needing a solicitor present, but they don't come with 'clean hands' either)!
I have some concerns that you are on a public forum asking for advice on private adoption, if anyone has sent you a pm offering to help, even if it is from a member of the legal or medical profession, please notify the mods and file a report with the guards.
You seem to have little support and speaking from experience this leaves you vulnerable to people with hidden agendas, be careful who turns up wanting to help or be your friend.
You don't have to be in any hurry to make a decision, you have all the time you need to contact support groups and try to get some support. I can't really reccomend any adoption company but perhaps you should try to contact a single parents organisation who can advise you on your options and entitlements regardless of the decision that you make.
If you ever need to talk just post again and now you have a lot of people who are thinking and wishing the best for you.
I wish only the best for you and your baby and the most important thing is to keep healthy and happy.

[Merrilady]

Lillytop - I'm sorry that you are having such an emotionally difficult time, I cant imagine what you are going through.

I agree that you have options, maybe talk to a doctor in one of the maternity hospitals and they can put you in touch with someone who can counsel you on the best option for you AND your child.

Yes, adoption is an emotive issue for all involved, you have heard some posters stories.

I would like to tell you mine -
As a Propective Adoptive Parent (ie We are waiting to adopt ) we have been put through physical, emotional, phychological and financial tests. We have been educated and informed ( to the best of anyones ability ) and the irish governement have deemed us suitable to adopt a child. This child is much longed for in a very loving relationship and will be much loved and supported throughout thier life, again to the best of our abilities.
Anyone I have met along this heartbreaking road would be the same.

What I am trying to say - if this is your choice, times have changed and education and information have made this journey not what it was.

Posters - Please understand I am not dissing your opinions and /or experiences, I just wanted to put another side to the story out there, and maybe let some of you know adoption is NOT a "ravenous" "child trafficking" "money making" situation of the past.

I truely hope I ahve not offened anyone here, and I hope my post has communicated another side to the adoption story.

Lillytop - the very best of luck to you in the future.

[kitty171184]

how did this all work out?