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Should I tell our children about the siblings they lost by miscarriage

  • 27-06-2011 11:51am
    #1
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,458 Mod ✭✭✭✭


    Hi, we have two beautiful young children but also had multiple miscarriages before our first child was born. Both of our children are very young but I was wondering should we mention to them all the siblings that they lost. I still find it hard to discuss what happened but I want what is best for them. Sorry if this is a strange question.


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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,003 ✭✭✭bijapos


    From personal experience I don't think you should. You should wait until they are old enough to properly understand and accept this. I would wait until they are young adults tbh, 18 or 20. Its very hard to see how an adult, let alone a young child will take this, some will take it well, its the one which won't that where a problem might arise.

    There are others on this forum who can advise you better, I'm just writing from personal experience.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,065 ✭✭✭stargazer 68


    Have to agree. Young children dont grasp the concept of death of people they know let alone anyone they have never met. Do tell them but wait until they are older.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 172 ✭✭katiebelle


    Our mother waited until we were grown before she told us about her miscarriage and our still born sister. I am glad she did. I would not have wanted to know this as a child . Firstly because I would have known my mother was hurting and I could not make it better and thats a big thing for a child to carry around and secondly if I understood properly I would not have wanted to be wondering about my lost sibs and what if that had been me. Strange things can go through a child's head. Many years later when I spoke about my mum at her funeral I spoke too about our lost little sister and sibling. I know she would have wanted them remembered especially now she was not there to keep them alive.
    I would wait especially as you yourself are pretty raw about the whole thing. You will know when the time is right.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,095 ✭✭✭LadyMayBelle


    Id wait Cathy, your children are still too young. It's confusing for them and will only give them more confusing feelings and I know from your posts there has eben a lot of heartbreak and sadness in your family lately... wait until they are in their teens perhaps where they are less egocentic and more empathic and able to conatin the information


  • Registered Users Posts: 365 ✭✭Dubs


    When I was 18 and my sister was 16 we both found out that my mother had had a miscarriage between my birth and hers. It was my dad who let us know and it was pretty clear my mother was still hurting from it when it was brought up.

    Both my sister and I took it pretty well at the time though it got us thinking. I can't speak for her but it kind of gets me thinking sometimes about what if it had have been me, what if it had never happened at all then my younger sister to be would not have happened, what if it had happened again with my other younger siblings, etc..

    As others have said above, if I were you I'd wait until they were mature enough, and at a point where you feel that they can understand and handle it, for their well being and yours.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 2,222 ✭✭✭robman60


    If your children are young, I really wouldn't advise it.

    When I was in fourth class (about ten years old) my friend told me one day that he had just found out the day before that he had a younger brother who died at birth (to be honest, I can't remember if he specified if it was a miscarriage or a still birth). He was visibly shaken, and I felt quite bad for him.

    I really wouldn't advise it until your children are late teens. I'm fifteen right now and I'd be quite distraught to hear of such an event in my family, but I guess there will be a certain level of distress no matter when your children hear it. Remember, issues like this should be raised when the person is best able to cope, it is bound to have some effect, so there is never going to be an "easy" time to tell your children, but I think it's best deferred for some years.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 7,458 Mod ✭✭✭✭CathyMoran


    Thanks everyone for your responses - my way of coping has been that it took several attempts for my son to arrive to us, that that is how I always coped myself, I did not think about the extreme upset it would cause our children which is the last thing that I would want. I will leave telling them until they are a lot older. I suppose that I did not want to forget what happened and also there are certain days that I will always be upset about.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,925 ✭✭✭Otis Driftwood


    My Mum had a miscarriage 4 or 5 months before she got pregnant with me so if she hadn't have miscarried,I never would have been created.

    She told me that when I was maybe 15 or 16.

    Thinking about that down the years I always wondered how their lives would have turned out had she gone to term and when I asked her about it she said that she was glad (sic) she had the miscarriage because other wise she wouldnt have had me.

    I would say tell them when they get older anyway,certainly did me no harm.

    :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 195 ✭✭bigtuna


    I had a big brother that was born premature and only lived for 30 mins. I don't remember being told about it. From my earliest memory I have always known I had a big brother. Even in school when writing about my family I always said I had 4 sisters and a brother who died. A lot of people in our village had lost babies so it was not really weird. I always wondered what is would have been like if he had lived as my parents had 5 girls after. It was never a secret and I think it was best. We all talk about him and what we think he would be doing if he had lived. I definitely feel like he is watching over me and that he has always been a part of my life even tho I never met him.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 93 ✭✭eirn


    I was watching tv with my mum one day when something came up about miscarriges. She told me that she'd had four miscarriages, it really came out of the blue. I was in my late teens. I still think about it now, years later. About the brothers and sisters that I could have had. My mum never brought it up again, and never told my siblings. I do think it would be very confusing for young children. Its such a sad thing to happen. Most people would find it enough to deal with as adults.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 18,335 ✭✭✭✭UrbanSea


    Sorry to hear about what happened Cathy.
    I'd go with the other posters,young children may find it difficult to understand that they lost a brother or sister and may hurt or upset them.

    I'm glad to hear you had two successful births after all.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,761 ✭✭✭chucken1


    Cathy,my mam lost 2 babies between me and my brother. Im talking about between 1958 and 1964. Things werent much different in the grand scheme of things when I lost my 1st baby in 1983.

    My mam named her babies (unheard of then) So I knew from an early age I had 2 other siblings. There was a tree planted where my parents lived at the time and I still know where it is so I can go and have a cry. Ya,cos I miss them that I never knew :(

    I lost my own baby at 20 weeks and I will never ever forget her. Ya a little girl who was due christmas day. Shes with my nana now.

    I now have 2 adult babies who know about their sister,Ive always been honest with them.


  • Registered Users Posts: 78,218 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    CathyMoran wrote: »
    I did not think about the extreme upset it would cause our children which is the last thing that I would want.
    I'm not sure if it will cause extreme upset. Children under about 3 don't really appreciate life and death, so it won't make a difference to them. Its the 3 year old to teenager that I would be cautious about.

    However, perhaps write a letter to your children now that you can read to them in the future and keep it in a safe place. Add further letters in the future.


    However, in situations where a child is perhaps at school-going age and is aware there is a pregnancy and then there is a miscarriage, then it is perhaps best to not keep it from them or other children.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,758 ✭✭✭✭TeddyTedson


    I'm not sure waiting is actually the best option. I remember finding out something along these lines a few years ago. I just heard it one day and it came as a bit of a shock. I was surprised I wasn't told before about it. I'd imagine that if I'd of heard about it from an early age it might have been a bit fairer. It was slightly differnert circumstances though and don't think finding out at a later age had any negative affects so I guess that's all I have to go on.
    Best of luck, you'll figure it out I'm sure.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 23,316 ✭✭✭✭amacachi


    I was about 10 or 11 when I found out about my mother's previous miscarriages and it didn't affect me really. I tend not to take people dying very well either.


  • Registered Users Posts: 408 ✭✭pencilsharp


    I had an older brother who was born and only lived for an hour or two. I knew about it, but it was never really discussed in detail. If your children are younger than 8-10 yrs I would not tell them but if they are older I think it is a good idea to discuss it. To this day my mam won't discuss it in detail but I feel like she is hiding something from me, although I think it would have come as more of a shock if I had only heard about it in later life.


  • Registered Users Posts: 78,218 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    ITo this day my mam won't discuss it in detail but I feel like she is hiding something from me
    While it might feel like that, she might be hurting inside also and is herself hiding from discussing it.

    Oh, if anyone does feel they need someone to talk to or need counselling, these two organisations may be able to help.

    Irish Sudden Infant Death Association
    Carmichael House
    4 North Brunswick Street
    Dublin 7
    IRELAND
    Tel:+353 (0)1 873 2711
    Locall:1850 391 391
    Fax:+353 (0)1 872 6056
    Homepage:http://www.isida.ie
    Email:isida@eircom.net

    The Miscarriage Association of Ireland
    Carmichael Centre
    North Brunswick Street
    Dublin 7
    IRELAND
    Tel:+353 (0)1 8735702 or +353 (0)1 8725550
    Homepage:http://www.miscarriage.ie/
    Email:info@miscarriage.ie


  • Registered Users Posts: 217 ✭✭Lynnsie


    My mother had a baby that died at a few weeks old as well as a stillborn baby and miscarriages. I can't remember every being told about them, it was just always talked about quite openly. Typical Irish catholic family back in the day, we would have to say our prayers at night when we were little and part of that would be asking our brothers and sisters in heaven to mind us. Even now if my mother is talking to close friends or family she will include them when talking about the number of children she had.

    I think this made it easier as we grew up with it and it was nice that they were always acknowledged as part of the family. But it totally depends on each person's preference, I know that with my mother it seemed to help her to talk about them and to know that we are aware of them but others may not be as comfortable with it.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I don't mean to offend, but when you mention "the siblings they lost by miscarriage" ... aren't you sort of projecting your own feelings onto your children?

    The losses were your losses, and no doubt they were tragic to you - and I sympathise with you for these losses. But your children may not feel any huge connection to pregnancies that you lost before they were born. And, as they grow up, they may feel bad if you're expecting them to feel a "loss", and they just aren't experiencing this feeling.

    I know that my own mother had a few miscarriages as we were growing up. It was never hidden from us, but my parents never made a big deal of it either. My mother told us that she was pregnant, then later we were told that the baby went to heaven because it wasn't meant for here. And then the matter wasn't really mentioned again.

    I guess that, well, it's certainly never a good idea to lie about these things. But I don't think any young child really needs to hear about how a pregnancy would end before birth. It's only going to freak them out. Sure, when they're older and able to understand the process of childbirth etc, then maybe you could let them know about the failed pregnancies, if the topic comes up. But I don't think that raising children with the idea that they have "dead" siblings is going to particularly enhance their childhood! And maybe it's one of those issues where you have to just put their own wellbeing first?


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,010 ✭✭✭marley123


    I lost a child when I was very young (teenage yrs ) Personally I dont' think I will tell her siblings) I personally think about her every day & thats enough for me.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,972 ✭✭✭cofy


    bigtuna wrote: »
    I definitely feel like he is watching over me and that he has always been a part of my life even tho I never met him.

    What a beautiful post.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,844 ✭✭✭Honey-ec


    Ok, I'm possibly not going to be very popular for this, but I don't think children should be expected to feel anything - love, grief, whatever - for a child that was miscarried before they were even born. I know this sounds extremely harsh, but I tend to agree with anditylltifiable that a large amount of this is down to the parents projecting their own feelings onto their surviving children.

    My maternal grandmother miscarried twins before my mum was born. Does my mother consider them siblings? No. They were dead before she was even thought of. Do I consider them two aunts that I never met? Of course not. Why would I? Obviously I'm referring specifically to miscarriages that took place before anyone's current children were born. I think in a lot of these cases, wanting your children to know about a "sibling" they never actually had is just a way of keeping the baby alive in your own memory, and not necessarily doing what's best for the living child. It's a different story if a child knew their mother was pregnant and then suddenly she's not anymore.

    CathyMoran, you know your children best and if you want them to know about their "siblings", then that's your prerogative, but I would definitely wait until they're a good bit older. Maybe even wait for them to ask themselves - I know I asked my mother if she'd ever had any miscarriages when I was about 14.

    Good luck, whatever you decide to do.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 33 deepeedublin


    hi there, I would definately wait. I remember my parents telling me about their miscarriages (9) when i was about 14 and i found it very upsetting but didnt feel i could discuss my upset because i wanted to protect them. i would wait till they are about 18 plus and invite them to ask questions. good luck


  • Registered Users Posts: 78,218 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    I don't mean to offend, but when you mention "the siblings they lost by miscarriage" ... aren't you sort of projecting your own feelings onto your children?
    I think that will depend on the age of the age of the children. If an 8 year old has big expectations about the new arrival, only for 'nothing' to arrive, then that is an issue that needs to be dealt with carefully.
    i would wait till they are about 18 plus and invite them to ask questions.
    I'm wondering how this would be done. Do you mean tell them and invite questions?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2 jensthoughts


    I was 6 when my mum had a miscarriage and 7 when my sister passed away shortly after birth. While my parents never had to tell me because I remember as if it was yesterday, I am glad that I grew up knowing and remembering. I am now 21 and feel that it would be very difficult to accept if I was only told now, I would feel that they were keeping it from me. While only you can decide what is best for your children, I would suggest discussing it as soon as they are old to understand. My mum went on to have another little boy who is now 12 and he grew up knowing about and talking about them. My parents never had to sit him down and tell him about them, he has just grown up hearing about them. Cant imagine him not being told until he was 18, would mean that we would have to be careful not to mention them infront of him and would just feel like a bit of a secret. But again, only you can decide whats appropriate for your children.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,398 ✭✭✭whatdoicare


    I wouldn't tell them at all if I were you OP - my Mam miscarried a boy (I know his name but won't post it here) between me and my older brother and she took it upon herself to dump this info on me (the only girl in the family) whenever she was alone and had a few drinks on her. The earliest I remember her doing this was maybe 5 or 6 years old - must have been six, it was the year I made my communion. She also used to go into the gory details of my older brothers birth, which was a particularly horrific birth - but that's a different thread I should write about someday!

    I never told a soul about her telling me and I took all of her grief upon myself - I was very well aware of what death was at that age and had a very clear understanding of why my mam was upset. It had a very profound affect on my development, I went from being a fairly happy go lucky child to a very introverted child who often went off alone to cry.

    It took me well into my adult years working with a counsellor to get over the depression that followed me all my young life and only now do I realise it wasn't my burden to bear and it was my mams grief that she should have gotten help herself for.

    I know that my reaction to the information was probably not the usual but really, why take that risk? You have no idea how you're kids will take on that information.

    Get yourself off to counselling to deal with your loss, and I am very sorry to hear of it and very happy that you went on to be blessed with healthy bambinos afterwards. There is no need at all to put that loss on your kids.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,972 ✭✭✭cofy


    CathyMoran wrote: »
    Hi, we have two beautiful young children but also had multiple miscarriages before our first child was born. Both of our children are very young but I was wondering should we mention to them all the siblings that they lost. I still find it hard to discuss what happened but I want what is best for them. Sorry if this is a strange question.
    Cathy you went through hell, I have been following this thread and it sounds to me that you know what is best for your children. I understand that you want your children to love the siblings that they may have had as much as you do. Given the right information they will.


  • Registered Users Posts: 78,218 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    <mod removal of quote of now deleted post>

    Irish Sudden Infant Death Association
    Carmichael House
    4 North Brunswick Street
    Dublin 7
    IRELAND
    Tel:+353 (0)1 873 2711
    Locall:1850 391 391
    Fax:+353 (0)1 872 6056
    Homepage:http://www.isida.ie
    Email:isida@eircom.net

    The Miscarriage Association of Ireland
    Carmichael Centre
    North Brunswick Street
    Dublin 7
    IRELAND
    Tel:+353 (0)1 8735702 or +353 (0)1 8725550
    Homepage:http://www.miscarriage.ie/
    Email:info@miscarriage.ie


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,181 ✭✭✭molly09


    sometimes people plant a tress, flowers, free baloons on a particular date for babies that are lost. I think if you were doing this, your children could be involved. Then as they get older thay will ask more questions.
    When they do learn the truth and understand the shocking trauma of miscarraige, it may not be a completely new to them. thoes lost children are still part of your family, although they are not physiaclly with you.

    Remember whatever you decide to do is the best decision for you and your children at this point.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    My mam had a miscarriage a short time before she became pregnant with me and I found out when I was in my early teens. When she explained the timeline to me, I realised that had the baby gone to fullterm, I would not be here today. I think she told me at a perfect age as I was old enough to appreciate what had happened and that it was extremely sad for her but I was young enough to see the other side and realise that I was lucky to be around.

    I remember around All Souls Day when you put an envelope in a box at the church with a list of the names of those who had died and who you wished to pray for, mam would always put a little X for that baby along side her own parents name and it used to comfort her that he/she was up there with them.


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