Anger and Acceptance in Separation

morooned47 wrote: »

Yesterday, I gave my wife a present of a fine bottle of wine, a restaurant gift-card for her and her lover, a card thanking her for our 4 beautiful children and wishing her happiness in the future. Later today, we will conclude a separation agreement though the mediation service. My marriage is over.

We got here imperceptibly. Work, the arrival of children, not making (and taking) time for each other, and poor communication which gradually crept into our marriage. She found someone else who was experiencing the exact same thing in his relationship.

I discovered the affair in fairly brutal manner. The other man’s wife came to my door to tell me about their ‘unnatural closeness’, which was strenuously denied - the ‘just good friends’ story etc..... I then wired the family car with audio and video equipment. To misquote the Carlsberg ads, if Carlsberg did evidence, it would be the best evidence in the world. What I watched and heard that Saturday morning almost killed me.

What followed during the next year is a story familiar to many here. Anger, recrimination, desperate attempts to save the marriage, offers to change etc. Eventually she left the family home and somehow in the middle of it all we worked out a co-parenting arrangement whereby I reduced my working week to take kids from Friday-Monday, thereby allowing her to work each weekend. We did not speak until very recently, and all communication was via text message, mostly concerning kids and practical domestic things, but with the occasional angry messages thrown in too. `

Bitterness and anger have wasted a year of my life. I realise now that they are driven by fear. Fear of the future, of loneliness, of separation from children, of financial damage, of life plan destroyed, and many others, but fear is the root of it. Revenge is a useless thing, I proved to be very effective at psychological warfare with my wife and her partner, and I could weaponise almost anything to inflict damage. I made their lives miserable with a degree of malice that was completely unnatural to me, and it achieved absolutely nothing. In his case, it almost had fatal consequences, as it turns out he has his own inner demons to content with.

Recently I met, and had a long conversation with,the man I hated. The way this happened was unexpected. I live in a small town. Usually I’d see his car pass, but we had never actually crossed paths until one day I came across him suddenly at our local sports club. A blind rage came over me and I walked up to him and cursed him in the most vicious and threatening way. I then collected my kids and left, afraid of what I might do. When the adrenalin and anger faded, I was shocked at myself. I realised that this is not who I am, or want to be. The next day, I rang my wife and asked to meet him.

The man that I met was an ordinary person, someone who holds immense guilt for the damage that he had caused in his own life and in mine. He was completely conscious of the damage caused to 7 children and 50+ relatives/friends affected on both sides. We reached an accommodation regarding staying out of each others way, and discussed my wishes for him to have no contact with my children. We talked about ordinary things to allow us all to live our lives while the dust settles on this horrible mess. Doing this was probably the most difficult thing I have every done in my life. As I left, my anger at him was gone, completely. Acceptance of the end of my marriage had arrived suddenly and in the most unexpected way, and bitterness was gone too. (Forgiveness of my wife is another thing entirely, I suspect that will not come to me for a long time yet). After 18 months, my wife and I finally started talking like responsible adults about our separation and concluding the mediation process.

So, today my marriage will be over. My wife will be going to dinner with her partner in a very fine restaurant. At some stage, they will open a little gift I included with the restaurant gift-card. It contains a condom with a smiley face sticker on it. My Beau Geste. (well, it made me laugh, but perhaps I just have a strange sense of humour).

Everything passes, and bitterness is utterly pointless. I know that only those who are in the midst of it can understand how impossible it seems to escape from it. But it can be done, it takes effort and courage. Once you force it to pass, all else becomes possible.

Thanks to Taltos if this long diatribe is acceptable for posting. I hope my story helps someone here.

P