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Do you disrespect someone you love like this?

24

Comments

  • #32
    ViveLaVie
    Registered Users Posts: 984 ✭✭✭ViveLaVie


    nothappy1 wrote: »

    The fact is that my GF cant be still for 10 minutes. Whenever we go out partying or have a dinner she is constantly going in and out for a smoke or something else. She also always starts conversations with bunch of strangers when she is drunk - security guards, policemen, it doesnt matter if they are 25 or 50 years old... its like she constantly needs attention from others or something - its like some kind of attention who*ring, but she acts like this only when drunk... and all these strangers are often really great and funny persons in her opinion... i dont know what to say really.

    i have never follow her when she go for a smoke and i have never said a word to her about the rest of things that bother me even tho im really annoyed with this behaviour.

    I find this extremely bizarre OP. Are you suggesting your gf should not be allowed to speak to other people on nights out? It sounds like she is very sociable and enjoys meeting new people, which is enhanced when she drinks.

    You speak of her very disrespectfully which is ironic considering the title of your thread! Saying she is attention whoring is just nasty imo.

    Additionally, seeing as she is a smoker it's inevitable she will be popping in and out for fag breaks. This can be annoying but I reckon it's something you have to have a reasonable conversation about or just accept!

    The last part of this post is symptomatic of an unhealthy relationship. Seething away under the surface about things that are an issue for you are possibly what caused the escalation of what should've been a minor tiff in December.

    I think you need to have a serious talk with your GF.


  • #33
    strobe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,872 ✭✭✭strobe


    I'm not saying I'm right about this Nothappy, but just to throw it out there as something to consider: Is it possible you are perhaps a little insecure, and that your girlfriend being quite sociable and friendly with men other than you triggers that a little, and that is where your issue with her being how she is comes from? It's just, you mentioned a few things, "she borrowed a jacket – god knows from who", "worry that your drunk gf is in some room with bunch of strangers she just met", "always starts conversations with bunch of strangers when she is drunk - security guards, policemen, it doesn't matter if they are 25 or 50 years old", "these strangers are often really great and funny persons in her opinion" etc, and then the big focus on her choosing to spend time in a way that was not with you. It just seems like there may be a bit of a fear there for you that you aren't good enough for her and that she will meet someone else she likes better and they'll steal her away or something along those lines? Makes you feel a little powerless that you might lose her and perhaps you sometimes overcompensate for that by trying to, without realising it or it coming from any kind of bad or mean place, control her behaviour a little? And maybe this is apparent to her in a lot of different little ways and the issue on new years, mixed with alcohol, was just her feeling like it was another example of that and rather than her reaction being just about that one specific thing it was a reaction to a build up of similar things, with that just being the straw that broke the camels back?


  • #34
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Your girlfriend behaved badly, but only after being seriously goaded into it by you. You are not her father, or her boss, or the guardian of how a grown woman behaves. And she's not a child to be chastised.

    I honestly cannot believe how you behaved - and to think that YOU are p*ssed off, so long later?! You are lucky she is stil speaking to you. I'm shocked at how controlling you were. Do you want a relationship, or a child-woman who will obey you, and not have her own views/life?


  • #35
    nothappy1
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nothappy1


    Well there might be little truth in there Strobe. I REALLY dont know. Shes an attractive girl... maybe you are right and maybe this is subconscious thing for me... But it should not be the build up on her part. As I said, as long as we are together I have NEVER said a word about it or even show it.

    And yes, i have apologized to people for having such a waste of a new yers eve the very next day... Everyone said its not my fault. I thought so too but i have to admit I f*cked up too. its just that everyone was at the table whole night - like a family, and she was just gone...

    someone asked why i did not join her... because i think its disrespectfull to be away o long from the table because people i just met are more important... And yes if a were a smoker i wont be gone half the time from the table, its the lack of considering to others in my opinion.


  • #36
    DeltaWhite
    Registered Users Posts: 666 ✭✭✭DeltaWhite


    Ok so moving forward then OP do you want to be with the girl?
    Or has that night ruined the relationship for you?
    How do you and her feel about your relationship in general?

    I kinda feel like you're still going on about that night. Let it go now, seriously the blame game doesn't work so best to move forward. Now I'm guessing your problem is should you continue to be with her, or go your seperate ways?


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  • #37
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,739 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    nothappy1 wrote: »
    I have apologized to people for having such a waste of a new yers eve the very next day...

    Did you apologise for your part? Or did you apologise on behalf of your gf? You say you apologised the next day, but only now, 3 months later when you got opinion here, you realised that it was partly your fault. You never thought of that until now. So the next morning were you apologising to everyone for your gf's "appalling" behaviour? Of course everyone is going to say it's not your fault. It's awkward. It's uncomfortable for everyone. And everyone wished you two would just go out and enjoy new years eve without making it unpleasant for them. Honestly, nobody likes to be in the company of a couple who squabble. And especially a couple who squabble and involve others. It's not a nice place to be.
    There were a lot of people there, and by you disapproving of your gf you managed to drag every single person at your table into it. If you has not made such a big deal of it, others would hardly have noticed!


  • #38
    irishdude11
    Registered Users Posts: 377 ✭✭irishdude11


    You made a show of her in front of the other people when you publicly said 'she refuses to have a shower'....then at the table you said 'at least i came to the dinner with people i care about'....so twice in the space of a few minutes you showed her up in front of this group of people...you are the one who should be apologising, that was disgraceful carry-on, no wonder she didn't want to hang around at the table after that. And you are the one acting like you've been disrespected, amazing...that's without even mentioning trying to coerce a grown woman to have a shower against her will and then treating her like a child and getting her mother to pressure her.


  • #39
    nothappy1
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nothappy1


    irishdude11 wrote: »
    You made a show of her in front of the other people when you publicly said 'she refuses to have a shower'....then at the table you said 'at least i came to the dinner with people i care about'....so twice in the space of a few minutes you showed her up in front of this group of people...you are the one who should be apologising, that was disgraceful carry-on, no wonder she didn't want to hang around at the table after that. And you are the one acting like you've been disrespected, amazing...that's without even mentioning trying to coerce a grown woman to have a shower against her will and then treating her like a child and getting her mother to pressure her.

    When i said 'at least i came to the dinner with people i care about' she was the only one to hear that. i never said 'you have to shower/ go to shower/i demand you go to shower'
    I only ask her 'arent you going to shower? and when she said no, I said thats strange since you expect from me to be in a suit and look my best... and that was it!
    Again I was not going to her mother or anyone with the PURPOSE to tell she is not going to shower. They asked my where is she and i said she is not ready, and she is not even willing to shower. Yes, that was a mistake that I regret, but it wasnt as melicious as some of you think it actually was.
    And it was her mothers decision to go to her room after that to tell her to shower, not my demand...


  • #40
    tara73
    Registered Users Posts: 2,342 ✭✭✭tara73


    nothappy1 wrote: »
    When i said 'at least i came to the dinner with people i care about' she was the only one to hear that. i never said 'you have to shower/ go to shower/i demand you go to shower'
    I only ask her 'arent you going to shower? and when she said no, I said thats strange since you expect from me to be in a suit and look my best... and that was it!
    Again I was not going to her mother or anyone with the PURPOSE to tell she is not going to shower. They asked my where is she and i said she is not ready, and she is not even willing to shower. Yes, that was a mistake that I regret, but it wasnt as melicious as some of you think it actually was.
    And it was her mothers decision to go to her room after that to tell her to shower, not my demand...


    see, you can analyse the situation on and on, defend yourself, put things right.
    but do you take on board what other people here are writing and asking like:

    -do you love her in general,
    -do you think it's worth being in this relationship or do you both just like the fact of being in a relationship,
    -isn't this nye day just the straw that broke the camels back? you two don't sound like you are very compatible or loving towards each other

    and so on, and so on.

    just stop defending yourself or putting things right, start looking at the bigger picture!


  • #41
    retro:electro
    Registered Users Posts: 21,039 ✭✭✭✭retro:electro


    Seriously op you need to either get over this issue or move on. This thread has only been up a few days and already my head is melted with it never mind you actually still being mad three months later. If you think that this issue is something you can't move on from then just let her know and move on with your lives.


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  • #42
    Novella
    Registered Users Posts: 13,713 ✭✭✭✭Novella


    nothappy1 wrote: »
    Well there might be little truth in there Strobe. I REALLY dont know. Shes an attractive girl... maybe you are right and maybe this is subconscious thing for me... But it should not be the build up on her part. As I said, as long as we are together I have NEVER said a word about it or even show it.

    And yes, i have apologized to people for having such a waste of a new yers eve the very next day... Everyone said its not my fault. I thought so too but i have to admit I f*cked up too. its just that everyone was at the table whole night - like a family, and she was just gone...

    someone asked why i did not join her... because i think its disrespectfull to be away o long from the table because people i just met are more important... And yes if a were a smoker i wont be gone half the time from the table, its the lack of considering to others in my opinion.

    I wouldn't have wanted to sit at a table with you all night if you were my boyfriend either, OP.

    It was New Years Eve, she wanted to have a good night and from the sounds of it, she was trying to when she went to the bar with her friend. You had your friend there too, what was the issue?

    You choose to become annoyed at your girlfriend over her not feeling the need to take a shower. Are you serious? She's a twenty seven year old woman - perfectly capable of deciding if she needs or wants to wash. You then go on to look down on her with your "You expect me to look nice and wear a suit but you won't even take a shower for me". Did you think that kind of behavior would put her in a great mood and have her wanting to be around you? I would've avoided you like the plague.

    Your comments at dinner were petty and immature also, not drinking because you already knew how the night was going to turn out etc. You ruined that night for yourself and it is now almost April and you are still going on about it?

    Like other posters have already suggested, I'd imagine you two have much bigger issues in your relationship if this is the kind of ridiculousness that takes three months to blow over.


  • #43
    nothappy1
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nothappy1


    The other major issue we have is she doesnt like sex.

    We do not live together, we can usually have sex during weekends, but she rarely puts herself in the position to have sex. We have sex once every blue moon. She was never very sexual person - not even from the beginning where you d expect we d be like rabbits. We talked about it early in relationship, i complained about it... its like she sees it as a chore. once we have sex she looks like she enjoys it (she even told me once - we should do this more often, that was after she avoided sex for 5 weeks).

    Its like she WANTS sex, but once every blue moon. If i want it earlier she denied me and have excuses. im not happy with this aprt of our relationship - this may effect my behaviour towards her from time to time, because she puts no effort to make my happy/satisfy my needs and only cares about her. I also feel Im not very high on her priority list.

    BTW She said she has never achieve an orgasm with sex.


  • #44
    nothappy1
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nothappy1


    You ll say we have more then small problem, but id write it anyway...

    She also never do anything Id like to do, if she doesnt have at least a little interest in it herself.
    For example: me and my guys go out (everyone took their gf with them) and we decide to go bowling. Any of GFs dont particulary like bowling, but they all did it expect my gf. Everyone was tellin her to at least try and she just wouldnt. Not even for the sake of me.

    We went for a short/romantic walk the night before new years eve with torches , she did not go even tho I was eager to go. She was rather smoking with her girlfriend outside. Her sister and her bf went together like a normal couple and I went with my buddy since she did not want to go.

    I can go on and on about things like that. Its like she i selfish – she doesnt put any effort to satisfy my needs if she doesnt like something she wont budge and do it for the sake of me…

    Its like that ever since we are together. I do love her, she does love me, but i think Im more of convinience the priority to her. She is a very good looking girl but she was not in a relationship for 3 years before she met me.


    Its like she inly cares about her own needs, mine usually dont matter.


  • #45
    Stench Blossoms
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,390 ✭✭✭Stench Blossoms


    I think you came on her thinking people would tell you that she did disrespect you and she's a terrible person etc.

    From what you said you are not compatible with each other so just do yourself and her a favour and end it.


  • #46
    strobe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,872 ✭✭✭strobe


    Is there anything you like about her or the relationship other than her being very attractive? You think she's selfish, hypocritical, not interested in your needs, you don't like that she smokes, don't like how she acts when she drinks, feel she expects a lot more from you in the relationship than she puts in herself, unhappy with your sex life, unhappy with the areas outside of your sex life.
    If you asked her is she was happy in the relationship what do you think she would say? Have you asked her? Have you told her you are not?

    You should probably start giving serious consideration to why you two are in the relationship if you feel you are this incompatible. Her being attractive isn't enough. There's millions of attractive girls in the world. Being in love isn't enough if you're both unhappy. You'll both fall in love with someone else sooner or later if you go your separate ways.


  • #47
    Larbre34
    Registered Users Posts: 23,776 ✭✭✭✭Larbre34


    If you love her, set her free. For her sake. And ours.


  • #48
    DeltaWhite
    Registered Users Posts: 666 ✭✭✭DeltaWhite


    Ok this is the last time I'm going to ask since you ignored my last questions I asked:

    DO YOU WANT TO CONTINUE THIS RELATIONSHIP?

    I'm taking time out of my day to advise you same as everyone else and it would be nice if you could actually acknowledge my questions instead of coming back with more bitterness and reasons why you obviously don't like the girl..

    So could you please answer the question.


  • #49
    nothappy1
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nothappy1


    Larbre34 wrote: »
    If you love her, set her free. For her sake. And ours.


    Yes, Ill do that. Everything is on me,I do not deserve her, Im horrible human being...

    Of course there are good parts too, many of them. But we are talking about problems not good stuff!

    We have many great mamories together, we have fun together, we can talk with eachother for hours... I do nice things for her, I took time for her and no matter what you think of me writing in my first post im good boyfriend to her. I just expect from her to be little more considerate to my feelings and especially needs.


  • #50
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,739 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Ok, so taking everything you have posted into account.... Why do you continue to go out with someone that you feel disrespects you in so many areas of your relationship?

    You do know you don't have to go out with her? You could break up and find a girl you are much more compatible with.


  • #51
    giggle84
    Registered Users Posts: 168 ✭✭giggle84


    nothappy1 wrote: »
    Yes, Ill do that. Everything is on me,I do not deserve her, Im horrible human being...

    Of course there are good parts too, many of them. But we are talking about problems not good stuff!

    We have many great mamories together, we have fun together, we can talk with eachother for hours... I do nice things for her, I took time for her and no matter what you think of me writing in my first post im good boyfriend to her. I just expect from her to be little more considerate to my feelings and especially needs.

    OP you have a victim complex. If she's a bad girlfriend then break up with her. You can't make people change for you if they don't want to.

    This thread is going around in circles and you don't seem to be taking anything from the responses people have taken the time to write.


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  • #52
    nothappy1
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nothappy1


    I dont know if i mentioned it before but she is my first serious girlfriend.
    I do have feelings for her, and i feel i put too much effort/work in the relationship to just abendon it.


  • #53
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    nothappy1 wrote: »
    I dont know if i mentioned it before but she is my first serious girlfriend.
    I do have feelings for her, and i feel i put too much effort/work in the relationship to just abendon it.

    Oh this explains a lot. I bet you're afraid you'll not meet anyone else and you're clinging in to this bad relationship for dear life. For your own sake you should just end it and try to meet someone you're more compatible with. Don't fool yourself into thinking she's going to change into the girlfriend you think she will be. Maybe these things that happened at new year are still eating you up because you know that this relationship is all wrong. You've offered no compelling reasons why you should keep this going. First serious girlfriend and being attractive do not count as valid reasons.


  • #54
    bee06
    Registered Users Posts: 4,514 ✭✭✭bee06


    OP, relationships are not supposed to be this hard and depressing! Bad things do happen in functioning relationships but all the good parts help you get over them easily. This is not about you being in the wrong or a terrible person either. It's about you not being compatible with her.


  • #55
    nothappy1
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nothappy1


    Stavro Mueller wrote: »
    Oh this explains a lot. I bet you're afraid you'll not meet anyone else and you're clinging in to this bad relationship for dear life.

    Im afraid you are right, and i do have feelings and many great (first time for me) memories together,... ://


    im torn and dont know what to do...


  • #56
    nothappy1
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nothappy1


    And for the whole year together i thought to myslef she is the (first) one I see future together with. Everything was great for first 10 months, but then it just went downhill. I dont know is it a honeymoon phase ending or somehting else. Its like more and more things bother me about her/us. its not just the act im afraid im not gonna find anyone else, its the fact she in my first, its the fact i lose one of my best friends and company if we end it... Im also close with her family members after all this time together.

    Its like everything that mean so much to for the last 16 months is gonna collapse into nothing and i just cant take it.


  • #57
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    Again none of what you've written justifies why you should stay with her. Most of us aren't still with our first boyfriends/girlfriends. Or the first person we slept with. Or our first serious partner. It can take time for you to find out that the person you're dating isn't the right person for you. What has happened here is that you've come out of the honeymoon stage and are looking at your gf with more realistic eyes. It's ok if what you see now isn't what you saw at the start.


  • #58
    nothappy1
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nothappy1


    Yeah but now its too late, the feelings for her are there, im too deep now. I do love her - is this not good reason to stay together ? we are not compatible on many aspects of relationship... So we should break off based on that even if we have feelings for eachother?


  • #59
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    DeltaWhite wrote: »
    Ok this is the last time I'm going to ask since you ignored my last questions I asked:

    DO YOU WANT TO CONTINUE THIS RELATIONSHIP?

    I'm taking time out of my day to advise you same as everyone else and it would be nice if you could actually acknowledge my questions instead of coming back with more bitterness and reasons why you obviously don't like the girl..

    So could you please answer the question.

    Mod:

    The OP is not obliged to answer every single question on this thread. It's their thread and can give as little or as much information as they feel is comfortable.

    Furthermore, SHOUTING at an OP falls far short of the supportive, helpful and constructive advice that this forum expects from posters.


  • #60
    nothappy1
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nothappy1


    I do want to continue this relationship, I just dont know what to do since you advice me to break it off and that we are not compitable...


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  • #61
    Stench Blossoms
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,390 ✭✭✭Stench Blossoms


    Why do you want to continue it?

    You haven't said any positive things about her. You've mentioned nice things you've done for her but nothing that she's done for you.

    You don't like this girl. You like the idea of being in a relationship (and it sounds like you want a fairytail relationship) which isn't the worst thing in the world but this relationship is not the one for you.

    If you love someone you don't talk negatively about them.


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