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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • #5222
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Mixed up my sleeping tablets with my Viagra.


     


    Just had 40 w##ks. 



  • #5223
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 18,966 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    I've just started up a dating site for chickens.


    It's not my main job, I'm just doing it to make hens meet...



  • #5224
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 18,966 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    My dog took a crap and it looked like it had writing on it.


    I couldn't decipher it because I can't read sh1t without my glasses.



  • #5225
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I took my 8-year-old daughter to the office on 'Take Your Kid To Work Day' But when we walked in the office she started to cry.


    As concerned staff gathered round I asked her what was wrong and she said: "Daddy where are all the clowns you said you work with.”



  • #5226
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users Posts: 4,118 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I down my first drink as soon as the kids are in school.

    Im a bad teacher.



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  • #5227
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I've started a new business - recycling old chewing gum. I just need some help getting it off the ground.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5228
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Scientists say that it may be possible to live on Mars. 


    I tried it for a month - put on two stones and now I'm diabetic.



  • #5229
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,681 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Muhammad Ali: Float like a butterfly

    Jellyfish: Done.

    Muhammad ali: Sting like a Bee

    Jellyfish: I am nailing this!



  • #5230
    Banjo Carney
    Registered Users Posts: 229 ✭✭Banjo Carney


    My girlfriend had a coil fitted and still got pregnant.......

    We're expecting a baby in the spring.



  • #5231
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 18,966 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Just found out I've failed my German exam.


    Sacre bleu!



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  • #5232
    Banjo Carney
    Registered Users Posts: 229 ✭✭Banjo Carney


    I saw a homeless guy living in a tyre. I did him a favor and punctured it. 

    He’s now living in a flat.



  • #5233
    Banjo Carney
    Registered Users Posts: 229 ✭✭Banjo Carney


    If Minnie Driver had been born in the Netherlands,

    would she have been Minnie Van Driver ?



  • #5234
    blade1
    Registered Users Posts: 12,091 ✭✭✭✭blade1


    https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120169740#Comment_120169740

    And if she wears a skirt down to her feet, is it still a mini skirt?



  • #5235
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I lent my friend €10,000 to pay for plastic surgery but I can't get my money back because I don't know what he looks like

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5236
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo



    My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.


     


     


    Now we call him Dr. Awkward.



  • #5237
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    My uncle set a new world record by getting 22 pigeons to land on him...


    What a ledge!



  • #5238
    Banjo Carney
    Registered Users Posts: 229 ✭✭Banjo Carney


    I went to a restaurant last night and the waiter came over and said ' you comfortable ' 

    I replied.. ' no Icomeforfood '



  • #5239
    donegal_man
    Registered Users Posts: 5,702 ✭✭✭donegal_man


    I remember an interview with her when she was pregnant and claimed she was going to name her child Laurie.



  • #5240
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo



    Welcome to The 2023 Yodelling Championship could all contestants form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.



  • #5241
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,665 ✭✭✭Worztron


    One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage. I accidentally texted my wife “I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her.”

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



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  • #5242
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 18,966 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Ive just stolen loads of swimming pool inflatables.



    I'd better lilo.



  • #5243
    RayCon
    Registered Users Posts: 4,835 ✭✭✭RayCon


    Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?



    Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.



  • #5244
    Banjo Carney
    Registered Users Posts: 229 ✭✭Banjo Carney


    My friend has one leg shorter than the other, his nickname is ..Snipers nightmare



  • #5245
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo ?

    One is very heavy, and the other is a little lighter

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5246
    robwen
    Registered Users Posts: 2,302 ✭✭✭robwen


    If you were anymore inbred, you'd be a sandwich!



  • #5247
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo



    I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic.


     


    "Oh yes, quite a few", the Librarian said.


     


    "Sorry to hear that", I replied. "They'll all be ruined by now".



  • #5248
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo



    Somebody said my Dad's gay.


     


    Now l'm trying to work out which one.



  • #5249
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My wife is annoyed with me that I never buy her flowers. I didn't even know she sold flowers.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5250
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo


    i was walking down a canal path and saw a bloke opposite me... "how do i get to the other side?" i called across... "you are on the other side!" he answered.



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  • #5251
    xlogo
    Registered Users Posts: 737 ✭✭✭xlogo



    Did my first nude painting yesterday…


     


     


    The neighbours weren't happy but the front door looks great!


     



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