One-Liner Jokes

Did You Know

* ...that half of all schoolchildren are in the bottom 50% of their class?

* ... that almost every ellipsis is followed by the word "that"?

* ...that there are more germs on your keyboard than there are atoms in the rest of the universe?

* ...that smelling like a fish can improve your life?

* ...that if you find Snakes On A Plane, the best thing to do is to not move?

* ...that the Internet is a series of tubes?

* ...that Mr. Tambourine Man won't take another Bob Dylan request?

* ...that volupturous mangoes, complete with fetid Madagascar-finders should, with some butter icing, create a delightful cheescake-shaped meal of considerable cheesiness?

* ...that Methodists can only listen to the Wu Tang Clan?

* ...that there was never actually a man from Nantucket?

* ...that 99% of heroin users started out on milk?

* ...that zebras don't have stripes, and every single picture you've seen of them has been Photoshopped?

* ...that since haste makes waste, and slow and steady wins the race, it follows that everybody who loses a race must therefore be charged with littering?

* ...that there is no other word for thesaurus?

* ...The world’s only vending machine vending machine is in Kathmandu?

* ...that it was Colonel Mustard in the Billiard Room with Your Mom?

* ...that James Bond fought for our freedom on numerous occasions, yet not one single day is set aside in his honour?

* ...that there are at least three other businesses like show business?

* ...that people in New York change careers as often as their underwear?

* ...that Tolstoy had to completely rewrite his manuscript for War and Peace when his hard drive crashed?

* ...that a Sponge Bob Square Pants is actually a form of contraceptive?

* ...that at four o'clock all the honest politicians will shrink down to two feet?

* ...that the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?

* ...that male vampires are delighted when the female vampire goes on her period?

* ...that starting up your computer in MS-DOS mode and entering 'del *.*' makes your computer run infinitely faster?

* ...THAT 8.3 IS A COMMON SHORTH~1 FOR THE LIMITS ON FILENAME LENGTH IMPOSED BY THE FAT FILESY~1 USED BY DOS AND VERSIONS OF MICROS~1 WINDOW~1?

* ...that I burning your dog?

* ...that Internationally accepted SI units include the button (@), a measure of cuteness, and the radiator (Щ), a measure of cosiness?

* ...that if cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl?



* ... that you have you have 10 minutes to move your car?

* ... that you have 5 minutes to move your car?

* ... that your car has been impounded?

* .... that your car has been crushed into a cube?

* ... that you have 10 minutes to move your cube?



* ...that, even though it is stated that the people performing this stunt are professionals, only 1.5% of them have graduated from college?

* ...that, despite the invention of the doorbell, knock-knock jokes have yet to be replaced by ding-dong jokes?

* ...that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?

* ...that walking backwards makes you gain weight?

* ...that if you saw every combination of the 1x1x1 Rubik's Cube, at a rate of one per second, it would take you less than ONE SECOND to see all the combinations?

* ...that it is better to have loved and lost than to find yourself living with a psycho for the rest of your life?

* ...that Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo?

* ... that tinfoil hats actually amplify the secret government broadcasts?

* ...that for the purposes of espionage, a nod is not actually as good as a wink? A recent study showed a 24% higher fatality rate among spies using the nod to communicate covertly, as opposed to their winking counterparts.

* ...that Curiosity is serving a jail sentence for cruelty to animals?

* ...that drinking and deriving is dangerous?

* ...that Abraham Lincoln was born and raised in a log cabin he built himself?
* ...that narcolepsy can strike at any ttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

* ...that you can produce holy water by boiling the hell out of it?

What's black and white and red all over?

A zebra that doesn’t know how to put lipstick on.

A sun burnt zebra,

A zebra with a sore bottom.

A Zebra with a rash.

A shy zebra on Valentine's Day.

Brown - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quagga

Slightly off topic

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, "I have a question that haunted me all of my days on earth...Am I a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes?"

St. Peter said, "That's a question only God can answer."

So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, "God, please - I must know - am I a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes?"

God simply replied "You are what you are!"

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, "Well, did God straighten out your query for you?"

The zebra looked puzzled. "No sir, God simply said "you are what you are."

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then, that answers it -you are a white horse with black stripes."

The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that?"

"Because," said St. Peter, "if you were a black horse with white stripes, God would have said You is what you is."

A budget is what you stay within if you go without.