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A man trapped in an unhappy/unloving marriage

  • 01-10-2012 11:05am
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 6


    Hi guys,

    Looking for some advice. My brother married his wife 2 years ago against all his families better judgement. He wouldn't listen to any of us that she was totally wrong for him and now he is miserabe and we are very worried about him.

    He is a very genuine guy, could have had anyone he wanted and went for one of the most horrible, selfish people I have ever had the misfortune of meeting.

    She treats him like ****, speaks down to him all the time, gives him dirty looks when he says something to any of us. There is no love in the relationship at all.

    He owned his business but lost it due to the recession, he would have survived apart from the money they are hemorraging due to the gigantic mortgage she took out in 2007 on her own. They met a year after she had bought the house and he has been paying half ever since because she knew he had savings. Even though she has a very good job and works ridiculously long hours she has taken a huge cut in income. She went back to work 6 weeks after they had their baby girl in May of this year.

    The really annoying thing is, is that he always knew she never wanted children, couldn't stand them, hated other peoples kids etc and he's the complete opposite, she only agreed to that baby because we all feel that she knew she would lose him if she didn't. We were all hoping that it would be the thing to break them up but when we found out she was pregnant we were gobsmacked. She spends very little time with the baby, he is home all day everyday looking after her. He never goes out, she goes out on the weekend because 'shes been working all week' but she never lets him out.

    I won't go into too much more detail but basically I would like to hear from anyone who has been in anything similiar to the above situation and has come out the other side and would like to give me any advice on how to deal with this. Myself, my 2 other brothers and our parents feel that if we could just get him and the baby away from the house for a while in a place where we can help him, support him, give him the opportunity to see how easier things would be without her then it might give him a chance.

    Even though it is a blessing at this stage that he has realised he is in a dreadful relationship he insists there is nothing he can do to get out of it. That he has no income, he can't support the child on his own, that he has nowhere to go etc...but that's all crap, he has his family. It is just so frustrating to see him suffering. He is still young and has a chance at happiness and meeting someone who will appreciate him.

    If anyone can offer any help/information it would be much appreicated. Thank you. T.


«1

Comments

  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Music Moderators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,358 CMod ✭✭✭✭Dravokivich


    You may be able to get some solid advice in the relationship issues forum:

    http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=1174

    Read over their charter. There's some links with websites that would have some info that may be handy as well.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,953 ✭✭✭aujopimur


    He's a big boy, you're a bunch of interferers, mind your own business.
    When he's ready for a change I'm sure he'll know where to get advice.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,752 ✭✭✭cyrusdvirus


    aujopimur wrote: »
    He's a big boy, you're a bunch of interferers, mind your own business.
    When he's ready for a change I'm sure he'll know where to get advice.

    you could probably have phrased that a wee bit better....

    We all know that love is blind and makes you do silly things. Look at that teacher in the UK who absconded to France with a student?


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,351 ✭✭✭Littlehorny


    A cousin of mine stayed with a right nasty bully of a woman for about twenty years, they have split up now but he is still under her control. He is back in his mothers while she takes every penny of his wages off him on a joint account. She lives in a lovely 4 bed bungalow that he built on his family land and drives a nice car and is always having trips away, even though she has never worked in all her adult life. He cant even afford a couple of pints at the weekend cause she takes everything.
    He thinks he is doing the right thing because they had a couple of kids but even though he is right to look after his children, his ex is no longer his responsibilty. The poor guy is miserable and after doing the right thing all his life he is left with nothing. We said the same thing as you op when my cousin started seeing this girl in his early twentys, could not understand what he say in her and my advice to your brother is get out before he spends his whole life miserable, as the saying goes short term pain for long term gain. Hope all goes well for him.


  • Registered Users Posts: 56 ✭✭brno


    if he leaves her the court will take his child and more than half his money.even if she is a terrible mother in ireland the mother always gets the child.worth keeping this in mind


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  • Registered Users Posts: 28,403 ✭✭✭✭vicwatson


    There is no love in the relationship at all.

    Perhaps he loves her?


  • Registered Users Posts: 37,295 ✭✭✭✭the_syco


    aujopimur wrote: »
    He's a big boy, you're a bunch of interferers, mind your own business.
    When he's ready for a change I'm sure he'll know where to get advice.
    The light at the end of the tunnel is a train.

    OP: ensure you let him know that you're there to help, as him feeling like he has no options is never a good thing.
    brno wrote: »
    if he leaves her the court will take his child and more than half his money.even if she is a terrible mother in ireland the mother always gets the child.worth keeping this in mind
    Although the mother always gets the child, I'm thinking in this case the mother will still give the child to the OP's brother as she won't look after it herself.


  • Registered Users Posts: 6 hash for cash


    the_syco wrote: »
    The light at the end of the tunnel is a train.

    OP: ensure you let him know that you're there to help, as him feeling like he has no options is never a good thing.


    Although the mother always gets the child, I'm thinking in this case the mother will still give the child to the OP's brother as she won't look after it herself.

    Thanks, this is EXACTLY what would happen. I never saw anyone as cold hearted with her own baby in my life....you never see her holding her or cuddling her, nothing...she always tells him that shes crying or needs feeding or changing etc...that she's tired and has been at work all day and more or less tells him that this is what he wanted not her so get on with it.

    And with reference to the poster above, we are not interferers at all by any standards. We are always polite to her, try and help him out WHEN HE asks for help. We completely keep our distance from their home. I do resent that comment as we don't interfere at all, we spent alot of time 'hoping for the best' without saying much until he married her. We all went to wedding and smiled for photographs for him, so no, you are incorrect there, we are only guilty of caring for his future happiness.

    Thanks also to the first poster, I will take a look at that link.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 746 ✭✭✭Starokan


    Its good that you care so deeply about your brother but the reality is that only he can change this situation. Have you any indication that he really wants to get out, he may not be happy with some of what is happening but its a huge leap to leaving her.

    It sounds to me like its probably tough on both of them, they have lost a huge chunk of their respective incomes each and life is now pretty rough as a result. I can empathise with him as I lost my job and for a good while I was living just day to day with mounting bills. Its serious pressure, but their is also pressure from her side in that she is working and by sounds of it at end of week the money is eaten up by expenses etc. That can be quiet demoralising too .

    I would say be there for him if he needs you , be supportive but dont be negative, families can have a skewed perspective of whats really going on based on their natural inclination towards their own loved one. One thing is for sure he loved her enough to marry her, have a child with her etc so there is a good chance there is something good between them beyond what everyone sees


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,741 ✭✭✭Piliger


    I am happy you care, OP. But my advice is to stay close to him. Stay talking to him. Stay out of his business unless he asks.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 251 ✭✭Munstermissy


    A cousin of mine stayed with a right nasty bully of a woman for about twenty years, they have split up now but he is still under her control. He is back in his mothers while she takes every penny of his wages off him on a joint account. She lives in a lovely 4 bed bungalow that he built on his family land and drives a nice car and is always having trips away, even though she has never worked in all her adult life. He cant even afford a couple of pints at the weekend cause she takes everything.
    He thinks he is doing the right thing because they had a couple of kids but even though he is right to look after his children, his ex is no longer his responsibilty. The poor guy is miserable and after doing the right thing all his life he is left with nothing. We said the same thing as you op when my cousin started seeing this girl in his early twentys, could not understand what he say in her and my advice to your brother is get out before he spends his whole life miserable, as the saying goes short term pain for long term gain. Hope all goes well for him.

    My first thought would be for him to stop paying into the joint account and then take himself off to a solicitor quick sharp. Fair enough he wants to provide for his children but that doesn't mean that he has to hand over all his moola.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,766 ✭✭✭juan.kerr


    but she never lets him out.

    Probably not very constructive, but he needs to grow a pair. He's an adult not a child or a pet.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8,073 ✭✭✭sam34


    moved from tgc to pi. please note the pi charter applies from here onwards


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,351 ✭✭✭Littlehorny


    My first thought would be for him to stop paying into the joint account and then take himself off to a solicitor quick sharp. Fair enough he wants to provide for his children but that doesn't mean that he has to hand over all his moola.

    He won't do it, too soft of a lad. I asked him to come to a stag do one night and told him i'd give him a few quid and he still wouldnt do it cause his ex would go mental and she wants rid of the kids for the weekends so she can go out. He just has himself convinced its best for all involved to just keep the peace.
    As other posters said all you can do is support your relative and hope they can work it out for themselves.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 985 ✭✭✭Ellsbells


    They met a year after she had bought the house

    Do they live in 'her' house?
    Even though she has a very good job and works ridiculously long hours she has taken a huge cut in income.

    Doesnt sound blissful to me. Is that to keep the bills paid and the family going.
    She went back to work 6 weeks after they had their baby girl in May of this year.

    god love her...
    he always knew she never wanted children, couldn't stand them, hated other peoples kids etc ..... she only agreed to that baby because we all feel that she knew she would lose him if she didn't.

    so she felt like she had to have kids to keep him and he, knowing this, was happy nonethe less. I feel sorry for the girl that she was forced to have a baby
    little time with the baby, he is home all day everyday looking after her. He never goes out, she goes out on the weekend because 'shes been working all week'

    he doesnt work so why wouldnt he mind the baby???? He wanted the baby so its only fair he minds her.
    she never lets him out.
    Really?


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,423 ✭✭✭Morag


    get him a copy of this
    http://www.amazon.com/Venus-Dark-Side-Roy-Sheppard/dp/190153412X


    It can take a long time for any person to admit they are in an abusive relationship.
    It can often take men longer.
    Get him a copy of that book which the founder of Amen.ie co wrote and it may help.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    Op - you are talking about your brother as though he is a child who was made to do things instead of an adult who made his own decisions. You also talk about his wife in derogatory terms. How you speak about him and his wife does not come across well and almost seems as though you want to split them up because you didnt like her in the beginning. Personally I would be disgusted if any family member of mine was speaking about me or my spouse in such terms.

    I think, based on your post, you need to emotionally distance yourself from this families business, but at the same time provide support for your brother - if he asks for it. So let him know you are there for him, but stop being so emotionally attached to the situation yourselves. Dont offer him solutions, be there to listen to him, but allow him to make his own decisions. There is a fine line between helping someone and interfering in their marriage. I would also add that no one knows what goes on behind closed doors in a relationship except the 2 people in the relationship and making assumptions on what you think is happening is probably a bad idea.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 179 ✭✭Gary The Gamer


    Leave him at it. It's his life and if he wants to make it a miserable one then good luck to him.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,676 ✭✭✭strandroad


    It sounds like plenty of couples in today's Ireland TBH, only with genders reversed. He is working hard and burdened with financial responsibility, has no energy to play with children when he's finally at home, dreaming about his weekend pint, dodging letters from the bank. She is stuck at home minding kids, cooking and cleaning, depressed about lack of work or career, no money for anything special, husband out all day. Now switch roles and you have your brother and his wife - it's not great, but it's not the end of the world either. People get through it. How do you know if there is or there isn't love between them? How do you know it's not only external circumstances that make them unhappy?

    Offer your brother help or company if he needs them but stay out of his affairs, just make sure you're there for him should anything happen. It looks like what they need now is a couple of counselling sessions to learn how to cope together and not separately.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,201 ✭✭✭ongarboy


    OP, your brother is an adult and should be able to make his own decisions. You have described him as someone who facilitates a lot of the unpleasant circumstances (ie not going to the stag because his OH would go mad) so he does have some input/control on how bearable or satisfactory things can be if he was assertive enough. However, this is his problem and not yours so unless he actively seeks your input and advice on how to change things, I would stay out of his affairs and just be there for him when he asks.

    TBH, I do pick up a bit of bias and general dislike from you against his OH which I can't help thinking is clouding your judgement on her. Unless you are the man trapped in the unhappy or unloving marriage as per your thread title, then I can't see how this is your "Personal Issue".


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  • Registered Users Posts: 157 ✭✭FrogMarch


    aujopimur wrote: »
    He's a big boy, you're a bunch of interferers, mind your own business.
    When he's ready for a change I'm sure he'll know where to get advice.

    This is a man in an abusive relationship. People are entirely entitled to give their opinions. If it was a woman in this situation, would your response be the same?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 985 ✭✭✭Ellsbells


    How exactly is he in an abudive relationship? He forced her to have kids ?!?!


  • Registered Users Posts: 157 ✭✭FrogMarch


    Ellsbells wrote: »
    How exactly is he in an abudive relationship? He forced her to have kids ?!?!

    FYI
    She treats him like ****, speaks down to him all the time, gives him dirty looks when he says something to any of us. There is no love in the relationship at all.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 985 ✭✭✭Ellsbells


    The man is not on posting here its s family member who seems to want them up fail. Loss of a business, a pressurised job, financial problems and a new baby will all cause pressure. On top of that he was going to leave her if she didn't have a baby (they they could not afford) and she had to go back to work to provide for the family just 6 weeks after the naby was born. Hardly surprising she didn't have time to bond with the baby.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11,255 ✭✭✭✭Esoteric_


    OP, I really think you and your family need to back off a bit. I totally understand that you do not like your brother's partner, but he chose her, it's his life, not yours.

    At the end of the day, I'd give the same advice here as I'd give to a woman in an abusive relationship (I am NOT saying your bother is in an abusive relationship, I don't think there's enough information to come to that conclusion) - don't force him to leave. There is very, very little you can do until your brother decides for himself that he has had enough and wants to leave.

    Until that day comes, just be a support for him if he needs to talk. If you're constantly telling him to leave, or badmouthing his partner, that will just serve to make him defensive and could alienate him from the family as he will not be as willing to seek help if he feels he is only going to have his life scrutinised and judged.

    All in all, OP, leave well alone until the day your brother specifically asks for help. He's a grown man and can make his own decisions.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,953 ✭✭✭aujopimur


    FrogMarch wrote: »
    This is a man in an abusive relationship. People are entirely entitled to give their opinions. If it was a woman in this situation, would your response be the same?
    Yes, and I'm speaking from experience on all sides.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    FrogMarch wrote: »
    If it was a woman in this situation, would your response be the same?

    While this thread began in tGC, it has been moved to PI and will be moderated in accordance with the PI charter.

    Please note PI is strictly moderated and we expect all advice to be civil, mature and constructive for the OP. Quizzing other posters on their responses to a thread/issue that has not been presented by the OP is not helpful OR on-topic.

    Be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

    If you haven’t done so already, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter before posting again.

    Many thanks.


    As per site policy, if you have an issue with any moderator instruction or request please contact a relevant moderator via PM - DO NOT drag the thread further off-topic by responding on-thread


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 19,777 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    If anyone can offer any help/information it would be much appreicated. Thank you. T.
    These are the reported facts, from what I have read, and so my own extrapolated views:

    The relationship does appear to be quite emotionally abusive at this stage.

    He married in the full knowledge of whom he was marrying, with no suggestion of deception or entrapment. He was aware of her mortgage, presumably of her views on parenthood and had even been counselled against marrying her. He's an adult and he did make his own bed, to a great extend.

    That he is paying into her mortgage is perfectly understandable. If it is the family home then they both own it now automatically. If not, he still has an automatic legal claim to part of the property (and a strong one if he is paying towards the mortgage). Additionally, his savings are no longer his own as they too are essentially shared - legally, there is no 'I' in marriage.

    She made a sacrifice to have a child for him. She did not want to have children - he did. As such, and given his business went under and he is presumably unemployed, then not only does it make sense that he remains at home to take care of the child and home, due to his lack of employment, but as even more-so as the child was principally his desire, not hers.

    Overall, I believe his wife is likely under tremendous stress and pressure financially. She's carrying the whole family at present (from what I can make out) and it's not unusual for someone in that situation to resent the partner who stays at home. Added to this is the fact that we're less used to a man in that role and more likely to see him as a parasite than a woman doing the same thing.

    I would suggest that he gets his wife to go to couples counselling so she can work through her resentments and he through his own, that are undoubtedly building up. Especially in recessions, relationships can go through serious stresses, and these are better off not left alone to build up, because sooner or later they will explode.


  • Registered Users Posts: 18,562 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    OP- it is wonderful that he has the support of you all on this.
    However,he is the only one who can walk in his shoes and only he can decide what he wants to/should do.
    Perhaps he should seek professional advice at this stage?

    Continue to listen,but the rest is up to him.
    Best of luck.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 204 ✭✭jdsk2006


    Hi Op, I know you think (along with your family) that your perception of what is going on within your brothers marraige is absolutly accurate but im replying here cos I feel ye are way off the mark.
    Ellsbells nutshelled a whole other possibility/probability for you there. It is painfully obvious to me from just reading your post that you and the rest of the family despised this girl long before today. Now Iv seen families conduct themselves in this manner a few times before and let me just warn you that it never ends well - this type of behaviour is destructive and toxic and only serves to shred families to pieces. I bet my last cent that she is under no illusions as to what you guys think of her.......a woman is very intuitive. Of course she resents anything he says around ye, her inlaws are trying to pull her family apart!!!!!!!! Seriously, I feel like screaming at my PC right now!!!!!! And my guess is that you guys are the butt of your brothers unhappiness...........god above it would get me right down in the dumps too if I went to visit my folks and have to put up with such negativity towards my husband. They are a young couple, stressed on the cusp of a recession, adjusting to parenthood and lacking support from extended family - naturally there will be symptoms of this. I too agree they may need a little therapy to get back some focus and teamwork. If your brother was a friend of mine Id advise him to man up to his family, distance himself from ye, thicken up his skin and take control of his family.

    maybe her family have plenty to say about your brother op????


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