Advice on a poem

Paulbeth · 22-01-2013 12:40pm #1

Hi all

I wonder would anyone have time to help me with this poem. In particular, are the last two lines sentimental? Is the poem saying anything that a reader would find interesting?

Thanks.

In a new place

They talk an unfamiliar landscape here.

Under their winter's morning sun, trees shine -

ice crystals, a fruit as foreign to me

as the words of this place.

In summer, strange winds bring a burden of heat

as if, being here, I should carry it,

though I have no way to carry it.

Like dancers they move, the ones who call this home -

this place of lakes and no oceans, wide wide roads,

this place of forests and fields that have no walls.

Days take shapes in ways I never foresee,

unfolding like flowers I did not sow,

and no animal turns out to be

dog or cat or cow.

Where I come from I can sing and say

the names of things and see

them drawn to me. Where I come from, I have gifts.

Here, notes fall from me like bricks.

When I sing out loss, though, they understand

what I mean and sing by heart with me, the keen.

Chaptain · 02-02-2013 9:46pm

Hey,

that sounds quite interesting ... maybe you want to specify what you think you need help with?

In case you're looking for just feedback, I'm getting a lot of sense out of the poem and yet there's that element of mystery in some lines, something I would consider to be a very good spice for any poem.

Paulbeth · 02-02-2013 11:08pm

Thanks for your response Chaptain. I appreciate your comments. Yes - I suppose I need help with the last two lines. Do you think they are sentimental? I had a completely different verse there before:

My tongues tied tight under unyielding knots,
I wear this place like shoes on the wrong feet,
pointing me in opposite directions,
neither one home.

When I re-read the verse, I thought the image created was very comical? Do you think it is?

Thanks again.

Chaptain · 03-02-2013 10:19am

I actually like those original lines, I think they've much more of that poetic quality, drawing - as you said - an image with language. I don't think it's particularly comical though, maybe just enough to outweigh the sentimental notes.

Sometimes I find myself going back to the original lines of my poems after a few days or weeks, a lot of the time they come out of a notion or emotion that was there when the poem was written and tend to be more intuitive and in tune than later edits ever can. But that's just my experience.

Do you write poetry regularly, if you don't mind me asking?

Paulbeth · 04-02-2013 12:29am

Thanks again Chaptain. The original verse does ring more true for me all right, even though the shoes on the wrong feet image brought to my mind Mary Poppins or a circus clown! I think I will leave that verse in, though. As you say, it comes closer to being what poetry is supposed to be - not saying for a minute that I've come close to success with it.

I can't say that I write poetry regularly, even though I've been writing poetry for a long time - well, I've been trying to anyway. I do read poetry regularly, though. That helps my own work, I think, and it helps my mind too.

Thanks so much again for your encouraging and helpful comments. Much appreciated.

P.S. Apologies if this message ends up being posted twice. I wasn't fully logged in when I wrote it first and, as a result, it wouldn't post without moderator approval - at least I think that's what happened.

Chaptain · 05-02-2013 10:46pm

No bother, I'm more of an amateur poet myself, I usually just 'publish' on my blog. It's very cleansing in a way!

Keep 'em rolling!

Advice on a poem

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