cheated on my bf..

S31 · 14-11-2014 2:03am #1

Hi... ðŸ™ˆ

I'm embarassed to say I cheated on my bf while I was abroad. I'm in a LTR, we have a house & pets together. I've never cheated before. I feel really awful that I've done such a thing but at the same time I'm not sure that I actually regret it.
I don't feel myself lately after a series of unfortunate events this year that I think has changed my outlook on life right now. Not that I am looking to make excuses but I genuinely don't think I'm the same person anymore.

For a while before I did what I did I was questioning my feelings towards my bf, I love him dearly but the spark has gone. I think its beyond repair. I don't know if I'm having a case of 'the 7 year itch', should I consider telling him or keeping schtum?

I was highly attracted to the guy I cheated with and he was a bit younger than me & now I cant stop thinking about him and also notice when I go out I'm flirting more with other guys that I find hot and that pay me attention. I feel like I've lost control of myself to an extent but believe me up to now I had very strong views about cheating and all of a sudden its like I've done a complete 360' turn and I'm taking risks I would never have dreamed of before

I know what I did was a terrible thing but I'm looking for some advice on where I should go from here!

Thanks

ABajaninCork · 14-11-2014 2:07am

You KNOW what you need to do!! And you know what I and many others will be telling you. So you need to fix up and do what needs to be done ASAP. For both your sakes.

S31 · 14-11-2014 2:08am

I don't have the courage, I need to find it though

ABajaninCork · 14-11-2014 2:10am

Then do. Think of it like a plaster. Rip it off quick, before it hurts any more....

S31 · 14-11-2014 2:18am

Its the aftermath that worries me too, we have a house together, nothing will be straight forward, not that we should stay together because of that, I just feel such a b*tch for causing all of this hardship thats about to happen

mountsky · 14-11-2014 2:20am

If the spark has gone-as you say it has,its no wonder you cheated, that's not meant to come across as harsh.To be honest it sounds like you're bored silly&boredom in a relationship never leads to anything good,just my opinion!

trixychic · 14-11-2014 2:25am

You seem so sure that after you tell him things would fall apart and you would go your seperate ways. Do you know that would happen for fact? Or is that what you what to happen maybe?

Slicemeister · 14-11-2014 2:31am

If you feel it's not the right thing to do OP then don't do it. I wouldn't act on any advice only your own intuition.

I'm in an LTR myself too and if my OH told me she had cheated I'm pretty sure we could work it through. That's why it's an LTR. :-)

Merkin · 14-11-2014 7:31am

The cheating is symptomatic of the relationship being dead in the water, your lack of remorse is also telling as it suggests you don't want to salvage your relationship either. You don't need to tell him you cheated if you used protection but you do need to terminate the relationship immediately. And yes, it will be an upheaval but millions of relationships break up every day so it's not something neither of you won't recover from. Break up with him today. No point in procrastinating any further.

S31 · 14-11-2014 4:41pm

thanks for the comments peeps, something gas to change! I do feel we live more like house mates than a couple, I can't help but feel like I need something fresh, so yeah it would probably be ok with me if we finished. I'm just putting off the inevitable I suppose...

S31 · 14-11-2014 4:42pm

S31 wrote: »

thanks for the comments peeps, something gas to change! I do feel we live more like house mates than a couple, I can't help but feel like I need something fresh, so yeah it would probably be ok with me if we finished. I'm just putting off the inevitable I suppose...

*has !

B.A._Baracus · 14-11-2014 4:43pm

Great post by Merkin. Only thing I add is to tell him.
Telling someone you cheated can be an act of cruel kindness. It can help a person start fresh.
No one really knows how a partner will take a break-up. You could tell him it's over (not mentioning cheating here) and for him to be hung up on you. Give you a call in a few months looking to get back... Then tell him you cheated to finally hit things home?

My point is that if you do not tell him you cheated, you are only doing so for yourself. Also not once in your post did you say anything negative about him. Just you've changed. Thats life. But you can do the right thing.

heretochat · 14-11-2014 4:56pm

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

It's a long distance relationship, so you could call it quits and be honest, but there is a chance are he may have cheated himself. Can be an easy and smooth split. etc etc.

Is it not along term relationship and they are living together?

It is clear from the OP that the relationship has run its course. The only hesitation she has in ending it is down to the living arrangements.

In my opinion you need to tell the lad the truth so he can get on with his own life without unreal expectations of winning you back.

Likely he will resent you and it will not end well but al least it will have ended for everyone's benefit

B.A._Baracus · 14-11-2014 5:34pm

heretochat wrote: »

Is it not along term relationship and they are living together?

It is clear from the OP that the relationship has run its course. The only hesitation she has in ending it is down to the living arrangements.

In my opinion you need to tell the lad the truth so he can get on with his own life without unreal expectations of winning you back.

Likely he will resent you and it will not end well but al least it will have ended for everyone's benefit

opps, long term. i read LDR. Let me fix my post :P

But totally agree. By the op revealing she cheated it cuts the cord and allows a clean start over. For both parties. As it's out in the open.

S31 · 14-11-2014 7:18pm

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

Great post by Merkin. Only thing I add is to tell him.
Telling someone you cheated can be an act of cruel kindness. It can help a person start fresh.
No one really knows how a partner will take a break-up. You could tell him it's over (not mentioning cheating here) and for him to be hung up on you. Give you a call in a few months looking to get back... Then tell him you cheated to finally hit things home?

My point is that if you do not tell him you cheated, you are only doing so for yourself. Also not once in your post did you say anything negative about him. Just you've changed. Thats life. But you can do the right thing.

Don't get me wrong we've had our share of troubles its just that it feels like we're more like friends now, just going through the motions, and excuse me for being too forward here but theres no romance anymore..of any variety! Hes a decent guy most of the time, I'm afraid it might be a phase that Im going through but I don't want to hurt him anymore than is necessary, we're both 31 so I suppose we're not too old to start again?? I wonder if I hadnt met that guy while I was away would it have happened eventually.. its really not style usually! anyway I did wrong and suppose I have to come clean

Stavro Mueller · 14-11-2014 7:32pm

Well if you're planning to break it off with him, telling him you cheated would be a cruel thing to do. Also if you feel like this now, imagine how you'll feel in ten years time. If you think 31 is old what do you think about this breaking down in 5 years time or 10 years time. It sounds like this is over but you're afraid to take that final step.

S31 · 14-11-2014 7:48pm

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

Well if you're planning to break it off with him, telling him you cheated would be a cruel thing to do. Also if you feel like this now, imagine how you'll feel in ten years time. If you think 31 is old what do you think about this breaking down in 5 years time or 10 years time. It sounds like this is over but you're afraid to take that final step.

Thats exactly it! I can't seem to find the words! some people advise its best to come clean, others are saying its best left unsaid, my head is spinning! Im not looking for sympathy I know Im in the wrong here, I just can't seem to bring myself to have the conversation with him. And I can just imagine both of our family's reactions, I'll be public enemy number 1 for a long time!

strobe · 14-11-2014 7:49pm

B.A._Baracus wrote: »

Great post by Merkin. Only thing I add is to tell him.
Telling someone you cheated can be an act of cruel kindness. It can help a person start fresh.
No one really knows how a partner will take a break-up. You could tell him it's over (not mentioning cheating here) and for him to be hung up on you. Give you a call in a few months looking to get back... Then tell him you cheated to finally hit things home?

My point is that if you do not tell him you cheated, you are only doing so for yourself. Also not once in your post did you say anything negative about him. Just you've changed. Thats life. But you can do the right thing.

Ah I don't know about that. I think the only reason to tell him you cheated would be if you wanted to continue in the relationship. If you're sure you don't want to be with him then just tell him you don't love him anymore and leave it at that. What's the point in telling him and adding insult to injury? Nah.

trixychic · 14-11-2014 8:28pm

S31 wrote: »

Thats exactly it! I can't seem to find the words! some people advise its best to come clean, others are saying its best left unsaid, my head is spinning! Im not looking for sympathy I know Im in the wrong here, I just can't seem to bring myself to have the conversation with him. And I can just imagine both of our family's reactions, I'll be public enemy number 1 for a long time!

I think you need to decide first if you want to stay with him.

If you want to stay with him then tell him what happened and yous can work on moving forward together.

If you don't want to stay with him then don't tell him. Just say things have run their course for you and you feel like you need to move on. Or something of that nature.

A house, kids, pets are not reasons to stay with someone. Neither is how good and kind of a guy he is. If it doesn't work those traits will stand to him for his next relationship.

As for the families f them. This is your life and you need to do what's right for you. Your family will come around cause they love you. Hope you can decide. I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

B.A._Baracus · 14-11-2014 10:03pm

strobe wrote: »

Ah I don't know about that. I think the only reason to tell him you cheated would be if you wanted to continue in the relationship. If you're sure you don't want to be with him then just tell him you don't love him anymore and leave it at that. What's the point in telling him and adding insult to injury? Nah.

I know what you saying... But the op's partner isn't a bollocks or anything. She didnt too much to say about him. The relationship is just over.
So all those years mean nothing tho? He doesnt even deserve truth in the end? But thats just my view.

S31 wrote: »

Don't get me wrong we've had our share of troubles its just that it feels like we're more like friends now, just going through the motions, and excuse me for being too forward here but theres no romance anymore..of any variety! Hes a decent guy most of the time, I'm afraid it might be a phase that Im going through but I don't want to hurt him anymore than is necessary, we're both 31 so I suppose we're not too old to start again?? I wonder if I hadnt met that guy while I was away would it have happened eventually.. its really not style usually! anyway I did wrong and suppose I have to come clean

Of course you are not too old to start again

31 is nothing. Know loads of people single at that age (in similiar age bracket)
But trixy said it best you need to decide first. So thats the ultimate question.

Stavro Mueller · 14-11-2014 11:13pm

If the OP does split from her boyfriend, they still have to sort the house and the pets. Why make things worse by also telling him that she slept with another guy? As has been said already, why tell him unless she wants to continue the relationship and hope that he's willing to stay in it?

duckcfc · 22-11-2014 9:43pm

I'm not being funny here but he might just like it if you tell him. The world is changing and relationships are changing with it. You never know, it might lead you into deeper and better things in life.

Matteroffact · 23-11-2014 6:06pm

I wouldn't tell him at all if it were me. You don't always have to blurt things out to ease your conscience. The most important thing here is how you feel about your b/f. You stay with him or you leave him but I would not be telling him something he doesn't have to know. It doesn't mean that if you continue on with the relationship that you are going to sleep with other men in the future, this was a once off and best kept to yourself. You could ruin everything with this guy if you tell him.

S31 · 23-11-2014 6:24pm

Hi guys!
I still haven't figured things out, I'm in 2 minds about it, really torn about what to do. I can't say hand on heart I wouldn't be tempted to stray again- I don't feel 100% fulfilled in this relationship anymore, so I guess that means I should come clean but I really don't know what to do! I appreciate all of your words of wisdom however
Thanks X

Stavro Mueller · 23-11-2014 6:48pm

So what good would coming clean do? Are you hoping that it'll somehow resolve the issue?

S31 · 23-11-2014 7:00pm

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

So what good would coming clean do? Are you hoping that it'll somehow resolve the issue?

I think just to be honest and hope that the act of cheating in itself will somehow explain how Ive been feeling and because it was a such drastic and out of character thing to do that it will help us decide whether its make or break- even though I don't quite know myself if I want the r'ship to continue... ugh its a headwrecker!

Stavro Mueller · 23-11-2014 7:25pm

Well, it sounds like you've made your decision. You're going to stay in the relationship despite not feeling it. It's too messy to break up, isn't it?

Saipanne · 23-11-2014 7:28pm

Just let the poor guy go. I dont feel coming clean is even necessary here, unless he pushes for that info.

ABajaninCork · 23-11-2014 7:36pm

It's not. You're making it that way. Look - It's not going to be easy breaking off an LTR. But I think you're being hugely unfair in keeping the poor boy hanging on. You're not being honest with yourself. And you're certainly not being honest with him. Not nice and not fair.

If you're having doubts whether the relationship should continue and you cannot promise not to cheat, then I would respectfully suggest this relationship has run it's course. You know that.

Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. Would you like your behaviour turned on you??

You need to put on your big girl's pants now and do the right thing. For both of you.

Stavro Mueller · 23-11-2014 9:11pm

S31 wrote: »

I think just to be honest and hope that the act of cheating in itself will somehow explain how Ive been feeling and because it was a such drastic and out of character thing to do that it will help us decide whether its make or break- even though I don't quite know myself if I want the r'ship to continue... ugh its a headwrecker!

So you think telling him that you slept with another guy will be a means of "helping you to decide"? That's a high risk strategy. For all you know, this bombshell could have you standing on the front doorstep 20 minutes later, black bags at your feet. Do you seriously think that your boyfriend's going to simply accept it as a sign that things have gone stale and that you should work at it?

You sound like you want your cake and eat it. I'm sorry but the words take, splinters and backside come to mind.

S31 · 23-11-2014 9:57pm

Stavro Mueller wrote: »

So you think telling him that you slept with another guy will be a means of "helping you to decide"? That's a high risk strategy. For all you know, this bombshell could have you standing on the front doorstep 20 minutes later, black bags at your feet. Do you seriously think that your boyfriend's going to simply accept it as a sign that things have gone stale and that you should work at it?

You sound like you want your cake and eat it. I'm sorry but the words take, splinters and backside come to mind.

I completely understand what youre saying, its not that I want my cake and to eat it too its that I think it will be honest to tell the truth and that will hopefully also make him see that I did what I did because I feel like I'm not in this for the long haul anymore, not that its an excuse to cheat and I thought up to now I never would do anything like that but te fact that I did proves I'm not really in this LTR whole heartedly anymore. I don't even know if what I'm saying makes sense but yes my partner does deserve better.

cheated on my bf..

Comments