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Flirty OH

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    #32
    cactusgal
    Registered Users Posts: 830 ✭✭✭cactusgal


    I am a flirty person. I love male attention. I admit it!

    But.

    I now have a boyfriend who I absolutely adore and love to bits. So I don't flirt anymore. I don't need to. I've got all the male attention I need (just his), but more importantly, I would never act in a way around other men that might be perceived as inappropriate, because I'm in love with my boyfriend and I respect him.

    And I would NEVER in a million years flirt with other guys in front of him, or let guys get flirty with me. I'd absolutely hate for him to feel in any way concerned about my behavior or feel jealous.

    I wouldn't expect any less from a romantic partner, and neither should you.


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    #33
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thank you, Gone Girl, a very wise post and it cuts close to the bone. (I answered CaraMay's question as best I could since, see above.)

    Your last few paragraphs is what I feel I should be doing, and I feel I am slowly clearing my head and making my way toward voicing my fears and concerns to him.

    @ BBoC: yes actually, you may have something there with one of the thrills (not the only thrill) for him being the fact that I will watch, time and again, the evidence of how desirable he is, and it also cuts both ways for him; I usually get some attention myself on a night out, and he has been quick enough to notice it every time. At this stage, a slight dissection of who flirted with us both on a night out, takes place almost every time after one, all in the name of banter though. I feel he is massively insecure (I know, pot-kettle...), and I also feel he would rather be strung up upside down by his family jewels than admit to it. I am always very transparent when the topic comes up, and I literally relay to him the whole convo of a fella trying to chat me up and me pointing out I have a boyfriend, lest I come across to him as being too flirty* or dodgy in my conduct. Alas, he doesn't return the favour... :D

    * Funny, I just remembered when we were starting out, there was an evening when he did say to me "You flirt too much". LOL the irony. Projection or what?


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    #34
    LOLA08
    Registered Users Posts: 137 ✭✭LOLA08


    how long are you going out with him?
    and how did you meet?

    why I ask is just when you met was he really flirty with you to


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    #35
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Op I'm trying to get my head around all of this and just can't figure out why you are staying in a relationship in which you don't want to go out for a night just in case you cramp your bf's style.

    As others have said, you have valid reasons for concern here and while this issue may only occur a small % of the time, it's a huge issue as you can't relax in the relationship. As I said at the start, with all the analyzing, assessing, thinking, fretting and worrying, you can't relax. What's the point being with someone who is so immature, even in his 30's, that he needs this level of ego boost. It's not normal.


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    #36
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    LOLA08 wrote: »
    how long are you going out with him?
    and how did you meet?

    why I ask is just when you met was he really flirty with you to

    Around 6 months going out. We met in a pub.

    Hm. He wasn't actually very flirty, no, and actually the one big giveaway that he was interested in me was that he just kept looking at me in silence all the time, really not very socially aware-like at all. And then rather suddenly he gave me a big and very direct (not in the least vulgar or anything, just pretty direct) compliment, which I returned, and that started things rolling, so to speak.

    What do you make of that, LOLA08? :)


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    #37
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I know CaraMay, you speak reason.

    But I have some feelings for this fella now, so... it's tough. I'm not going to break up with him over this issue alone, even though the situation is far from ideal.

    That's all I can say to your post really. Wish me luck. :)


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    #38
    kippy
    Registered Users Posts: 18,394 ✭✭✭✭kippy


    autumnal_ruminations wrote: »
    Around 6 months going out. We met in a pub.

    Hm. He wasn't actually very flirty, no, and actually the one big giveaway that he was interested in me was that he just kept looking at me in silence all the time, really not very socially aware-like at all. And then rather suddenly he gave me a big and very direct (not in the least vulgar or anything, just pretty direct) compliment, which I returned, and that started things rolling, so to speak.

    What do you make of that, LOLA08? :)

    OP,
    Being honest and unfortunately blunt, I believe you are already in the stage where nothing anyone can say will sway your ultimate opinion of this guy.
    You've displayed some of the classic signs that you are "locked and loaded" so-to-speak for him and whatever he does you are willing and able to let it slide, no matter how it might seem to those on the outside. I have seen it many times before. I hate bringing age into it but it's usually displayed by those in their thirties perhaps feeling they are running out of options, and sometimes by those low on a bit of self confidence.
    I've seen it time and time again, usually with good friends on the wrong end of it, of late. Letting the partner off with murder, even "breaking up" and getting back again with no change in behaviour. If friends try and sit them down for a talk about the hard truth they get pushed aside and invariably the friendship breaks down, playing more into the hands of the partner who is causing the problems.

    From the facts you have presented and without knowing either of you at all, I don't believe this relationship will go the long run or end well. I hope I am wrong.

    To make sure I am wrong you need to absolutely sit him down and tell him how you feel and indeed ask him to change his "style" so to speak. The result of that conversation will say a lot about his commitment to you and his actions a few months down the line will say even more.

    My last comments on the topic and apologies if they may seem overly harsh.


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    #39
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Tbh, that whole thing of "post-mortems of who got flirted with" is really wierd. Its almost competitive.

    "Hey, Damo flirted the arse off with me! Saddo!" "Oh yeah? Well, Sharon had the tongue hanging out for ME! Hawhawhaw!"

    Its not particularly funny. Its really strange, as interaction goes in a relationship.

    What it does, is it reiterates the subtext "Other people want me and don't you forget it". But its cloaked in banter so you can pretend its just a bit of crack.

    Subconsciously you know its dangerous - which is why you fall over yourself to impress upon him that the flirting you get is completely non-threatening to your loyalty to him.

    But as you say, he doesn't return the favour - he lets the subtext hang in the air.

    I think you need to set out your stall. Be candid. Go out with him and tell him in the taxi "No flirting tonight ok? It makes me feel like ****". If he protests (as he will) that its harmless, just ask him if he wants you to feel like ****? And if so....flirt away Sunshine! You can find someone who doesn't need to flirt with randomers when they have a girlfriend.

    Hopefully that'll put a halt to his gallop.


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    #40
    yermandan
    Registered Users Posts: 2,068 ✭✭✭yermandan


    It's really obvious that you are incompatible OP. I wonder what this dude would do if the roles were reversed.

    It honestly sounds so exhausting for you, the exact opposite of what a healthy relationship should feel like.

    Best of luck


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    #41
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    yermandan wrote: »
    It's really obvious that you are incompatible OP. I wonder what this dude would do if the roles were reversed.

    It honestly sounds so exhausting for you, the exact opposite of what a healthy relationship should feel like.

    Best of luck

    Tbh I was just about to say the same thing.

    Put it this way:
    You're either over thinking things and are insecure in the relationship, which at 6 months is kind of saying you're not going to be compatible because you have different personalities, or he's not doing anything to ease your concerns/doesn't want to change/whatever else.

    OR

    Your concerns are valid and he is untrustworthy. In which case it should end obviously.

    Unless you sit him down and say "listen the flirting makes me uneasy cause personally I feel it needs to be toned down" and go from there. Its not an issue that's gonna resolve itself anyway.


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    #42
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    @ kippy

    That's fine, not overly harsh at all - I am locked and loaded as you say, I admit it. I really like this guy, I'm attracted to him, I like spending time with him and I like how he makes me feel outside this issue. May be age related or down to low confidence as well :) I may need some counselling!

    As for friends, I don't have many friends but the ones I do have, have my best interests at heart and the opinions polled there have been very varied, from "I couldn't be in such a relationship" via puzzlement and not much constructive feedback, to "You're really really overreacting, it's only flirting, so what".

    I also conceded that the outlook may be bleak already. So at least give me that I am not in this now with my eyes completely closed to that. :)

    If he did cheat on me, I believe that my feelings for him would change automatically. The reason I can't say for sure is that I have somehow managed so far to escape being cheated on (or knowing about it, at any rate) in relationships so it would be a completely new experience for me, but I can't really see myself burying my head in the sand about it somehow. The relationship would be tainted from that point on, and I don't think either of us would want to be in it any more. Hopefully so.


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    #43
    dellas1979
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭dellas1979


    autumnal_ruminations wrote: »
    I've met girls who were googly-eyed over him and completely unaware up to the point of meeting me, that he had a girlfriend) and they are more worrying for me, definitely. He strings girls along

    Eh? Girls who are more than likely single. Who your boyfriend flirts with...sorry strings along, are worrying for you?

    This is turning into "missile seek women". Has to be their fault or something. "Target next woman".

    Sorry, but no matter how this is working out in your brain (locked and loaded as another poster said), please do not blame single women for his behaviour.

    They are not the ones in a relationship. He is. If it is making you uncomfortable, its ok - doesnt mean there is something wrong with you. Its just overstepping your boundaries of what you expect. But nor have you told him really either how it makes you feel.


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    #44
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    dellas1979 wrote: »
    Eh? Girls who are more than likely single. Who your boyfriend flirts with...sorry strings along, are worrying for you?

    This is turning into "missile seek women". Has to be their fault or something. "Target next woman".

    Sorry, but no matter how this is working out in your brain (locked and loaded as another poster said), please do not blame single women for his behaviour.

    They are not the ones in a relationship. He is. If it is making you uncomfortable, its ok - doesnt mean there is something wrong with you. Its just overstepping your boundaries of what you expect. But nor have you told him really either how it makes you feel.

    Sorry dellas, crossed wires there, honestly. I put no blame on those girls more than I would put it on LOLA08 there for falling for a guy who is attached but failed to inform her of the fact and courted her attention all the same. I meant to say that I find those instances of his behaviour more worrying than those where there is a woman throwing herself at him right in front of me. That's all I meant.


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    #45
    daisybelle2008
    Registered Users Posts: 2,403 ✭✭✭daisybelle2008


    OP, you are losing sight of yourself. It's harder work than you think willing him to change his behaviour, suppressing your feelings and policing other women, while putting on your game face. If you need him to change who he is before you can relax and enjoy the relationship, maybe he is not for you. Wouldn't it be better to be with someone you are relaxed around and don't need to change. You seem like a really lovely person, this isn't bringing out the best in you.


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    #46
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    autumnal_ruminations wrote: »
    I know CaraMay, you speak reason.

    But I have some feelings for this fella now, so... it's tough. I'm not going to break up with him over this issue alone, even though the situation is far from ideal.

    That's all I can say to your post really. Wish me luck. :)

    I do wish you luck. Just keep your wits about you and maintain self respect.


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    #47
    Greenduck
    Registered Users Posts: 303 ✭✭Greenduck


    He sounds like a decent guy OP and you seem to get on well. I would however advise you to listen to your gut on this one...try not to intellectualise and rationalise, just be honest with yourself. If this is an issue for you, it might be an idea to flag it now rather than later. Leaving it be might only insinuate that you have no problem with how he behaves?

    It sounds to me like he is insecure himself and constantly needs the approval (both generally and sexually) of other people. This is not your problem per say but something he might not be aware of so tread carefully if you do approach the subject.

    There's also the black and white of it. He's a very attractive man and will possibly always get attention from the opposite sex. It's up to you how to handle this i.e. get jealous, insecure etc or be proud that he has chosen you to be his partner.


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    #48
    Yurt2
    Registered Users Posts: 9,381 ✭✭✭Yurt2


    Greenduck wrote: »
    He sounds like a decent guy OP and you seem to get on well. I would however advise you to listen to your gut on this one...try not to intellectualise and rationalise, just be honest with yourself. If this is an issue for you, it might be an idea to flag it now rather than later. Leaving it be might only insinuate that you have no problem with how he behaves?

    It sounds to me like he is insecure himself and constantly needs the approval (both generally and sexually) of other people. This is not your problem per say but something he might not be aware of so tread carefully if you do approach the subject.

    There's also the black and white of it. He's a very attractive man and will possibly always get attention from the opposite sex. It's up to you how to handle this i.e. get jealous, insecure etc or be proud that he has chosen you to be his partner.

    Gotta disagree. A person who constantly seeks(this is the key word, he doesn't rebuff female overtures or avoid them) sexual attention is exactly the wrong type of person to be in a relationship with. They can be that person all they want, but they shouldn't drag someone into their crappy world of winks and nods and non verbal maybes. Sooner or later he'll be on a night out, will have just the right amount of drink on him, thinks he wont get caught, will be playing the 'are you available to me' 'flirty' game, and will go ahead and take what he wants. It's a story as old as time.

    The OP needs to confront the behavior and tell him how it makes her feel (small). My gut says he wont make any attempt to change, but maybe he will.


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    #49
    MistyCheese
    Registered Users Posts: 4,005 ✭✭✭MistyCheese


    OP it sounds like you are trying to force yourself to be okay with this part of your boyfriend. You won't be able to keep that up forever and you shouldn't have to.


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