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The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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Comments

  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Entertainment Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 16,584 CMod ✭✭✭✭faceman


    2 nuns in a bath, one says to the other, "wheres the soap?" The other says, "yes it does"


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,525 ✭✭✭Daniel S


    faceman wrote: »
    2 nuns in a bath, one says to the other, "wheres the soap?" The other says, "yes it does"
    You've made me feel stoopid. :o


    I don't get it. :pac:


  • Registered Users Posts: 292 ✭✭kojack


    A man is walking behind his wife and says "baby you are so fat now your bum looks like a washing machine." The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking.

    Bed time, the man is asking for sex. The woman says, "I can't start the washing machine for such a small load. You'll have to handwash!"


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,461 ✭✭✭--Kaiser--


    Daniel S wrote: »
    You've made me feel stoopid. :o


    I don't get it. :pac:

    Think of the sentence as 'wears the soap, doesn't it?'


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,290 ✭✭✭hairyprincess


    A blonde was driving down the M50 knitting. A guard in a squad car shouts to her, "pull over, pull over".

    The blonde replies "no, it's a scarf"!


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  • Registered Users Posts: 2,629 ✭✭✭Adiboo


    A blonde was driving down the M50 knitting. A guard in a squad car shouts to her, "pull over, pull over".

    The blonde replies "no, it's a scarf"!




  • Registered Users Posts: 25,775 ✭✭✭✭kfallon


    I’m not saying my wife is a slag but even the labels in her knickers say next.


  • Registered Users Posts: 97 ✭✭DannyKing


    What do you call a fridge with a scarf?
    Rupert the fridge


  • Registered Users Posts: 25,775 ✭✭✭✭kfallon


    A woman was talking to her neighbor about the expensive vet bills
    she was facing each year when she takes her dog for a check upand all he seems to do is trim the hair in his ears and it sets her back £60.

    "Why don't you do it yourself get some of the hair remover from the chemist it's only a few qiud you can save yourself some money", suggest the neighbour.

    "Great idea I'll give it a go." So off she goes to the chemist.

    Speaking to the chemist she asks him for a tube of hair remover.
    He says "excuse me but would you mind if I give you some advice".
    "No not at all."

    "If you use this under your arms I wouldn't use deodorant for 12 hours"

    "It's not for under my arms"

    "Oh then if you use it on your legs don't wear tights for a day"

    "It's not for my legs either, it's for my Schnauzer!"

    "Oh I see", says the chemist, "then in that case don't ride a bike for a week!!!"

    :pac:


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,876 ✭✭✭Spread


    Question: How many vegans does it take to eat a hamburger?

    Answer: One ............
    if nobody's looking


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  • Registered Users Posts: 324 ✭✭cranks


    Wife complains to husband: 'You're always pushing me about and talking behind my back"

    Husband to wife: "What do you expect, you're in a wheelchair"


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 55 ✭✭carrick79


    This isn't relevant anymore but we'll tell it anyways...

    The owner of Apple walked by my window and took my Mr.Sheen. Typical f**king Jobs, coming over here and stealing our Polish...


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,459 ✭✭✭Ledger


    carrick79 wrote: »
    This isn't relevant anymore but we'll tell it anyways...

    The owner of Apple walked by my window and took my Mr.Sheen. Typical f**king Jobs, coming over here and stealing our Polish...

    there's the door. --->


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,137 ✭✭✭44leto


    A man is driving down the motorway in a lorry, a car comes up beside him beeping his horn shouting "you are losing your load" the lorry driver shouts down "would you F off" but the driver persists, "you are losing your load for miles now", the lorry driver again tells him to "F OFF". But the driver shouts again, so the driver pulls in and the driver stops, and says again look you are losing your load, "Yeah I KNOW I am gritting the roads"


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,654 ✭✭✭cruiser178


    What do you get if you turn 2 blonds upside-down?
    A brunette


  • Registered Users Posts: 947 ✭✭✭Nodster


    Why did the baker's hands smell?


    ...Cause he kneaded a poo


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,285 ✭✭✭tfitzgerald


    cruiser178 wrote: »
    What do you get if you turn 2 blonds upside-down?
    A brunette

    A lot of people use smartphones these days and spoilers really do spoil the joke


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,970 ✭✭✭mufcboy1999


    Am I the only who doesn't get these spoiler jokes?

    What's the catch behind them honestly I'm lost lol


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 15,515 ✭✭✭✭admiralofthefleet


    i saw a sign today that made me piss myself........toilets closed


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,817 ✭✭✭pebbles21


    A Nagger brings his wife to the hospital with two black eyes,bloody nose and a broken jaw

    Nurse asks "What happened?"

    Nagger "Shes going through the change luv!"

    Nurse "you dont end up like that going through the change!"

    Nagger "Ye do when its the change in me pockets!!"


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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,459 ✭✭✭Ledger


    A lot of people use smartphones these days and spoilers really do spoil the joke

    Tap the spoiler, it will show then. Does on mine anyway. (SonyEricsson X8)


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,993 ✭✭✭Wossack


    iphone you have to copy and paste it into the search box - bit finicky


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,964 ✭✭✭Sitec


    As the nurse delivered our baby, I told my wife:

    "Wow, she's absolutely stunning."

    My wife looked confused as she held the newborn baby in her arms.

    She said, "Dave, it's a he, not a she...

    "I replied, "what do you mean? Have you seen the tits on that nurse?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 13,222 ✭✭✭✭Will I Amnt


    Wossack wrote: »
    iphone you have to copy and paste it into the search box - bit finicky
    Tapping the spoiler works for me,are you not using the touch site??
    http://touch.boards.ie


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,353 ✭✭✭Galway K9


    My brother raped a hooker last week. They arested him for theft


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,353 ✭✭✭Galway K9


    A radio station was running a
    competition – words that
    weren’t in the dictionary yet
    could still be used in a sentence
    that would make logical sense.
    The prize was a trip to Bali.
    DJ: “96 FM here, what’s your
    name?”
    Caller: “Hi, my name’s Dave.”
    DJ: “Dave, what’s your word?”
    Caller: “Goan... spelt G-O-A-N
    pronounced ‘go-an’.”
    DJ: “You are correct, Dave,
    ‘goan’ is not in the dictionary.
    Now, for a trip to Bali: What
    sentence can you use that word
    in that would make sense?”
    Caller: “Goan f uck yourself!”
    The DJ cut the caller off and
    took other calls, all unsuccessful
    until:
    DJ: “96 FM, what’s your name?”
    Caller: “Hi, me name’s Jeff.”
    DJ: “Jeff, what’s your word?”
    Caller: “Smee, spelt S-M-E-E,
    pronounced ‘smee’.”
    DJ: “You are correct, Jeff,
    ‘smee’ is not in the dictionary.
    Now, for a trip to Bali: What
    sentence can you use that word
    in that would make sense?”
    Caller: “Smee again! Goan f uck
    yourself!”?


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,658 ✭✭✭policarp


    The first time I had brussel sprouts I wanted to know who made a balls of the cabbage. . .


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,158 ✭✭✭frag420


    policarp wrote: »
    The first time I had brussel sprouts I wanted to know who made a balls of the cabbage. . .

    D- Must try harder.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,013 ✭✭✭kincsem


    I robbed this from the Betfair Forum Chit Chat (posted by **** Happens)

    Banned from Sainsburys

    Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

    Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

    Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

    Ha Ha!!!


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  • Registered Users Posts: 7,562 ✭✭✭patmac


    Just got back from a holiday in Thailand, and came that close to shaggin' a lady-boy.
    Looked like a woman, spoke like a woman, walked like a woman and kissed like a woman.
    It was only when she drove me back to her place and reversed parked into a narrow parking space,in the dark, with no problem,
    Then I thought . . .
    Just a bloody minute!


This discussion has been closed.
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