My best friend is reproductively challenged

Grawns · 22-06-2008 12:31pm #1

My very best friend has spent the last 5 years trying to conceive with no success (including several rounds of IVF). She has now given up as there is little point in continuing.(egg problem she was told) I am now 6 and a half weeks pregnant and am avoiding her so as not to tell her.

The plan is that I am going to wait until I am 12 weeks to tell her. I'm going on holidays on Thursday for a week and when I get back I hope to be 8 weeks gone. So I have to avoid her for another 4 weeks after that. Is this cruel or kind.?

The way I see it if I miscarry I need never tell her I was pregnant. When I do tell her I I know how she is and she will be devastated and take a while to come to terms with it. In fact I fully expect it to damage our friendship as I've been there for her throughout her IVF treatments and I know how upset she is by anyone talking of children in any context. I hate the fact that I am both hurting her and can't share this with her.

Has anyone else been in this situation?

Peared · 22-06-2008 9:42pm

God Grawns, don't be starting sentences with "if I miscarry..", that's a terribly negative place to be when you're pregnant.

You can't control this girls fertility. Break it to her when you want to. An extra few weeks wont make any difference. Tell her you know it's difficult for her and she may need time to come to terms with it.

If she is a true friend she will go home and bawl her eyes out and then come back and tell you that although she is wildly envious she is thrilled for you. If she can't do that for you then she's not a friend wrth having.

And really, if she is going to be negative about your pregnancy, she might not be the best person to be around.

Good luck.

shell42970 · 23-06-2008 8:40am

Well said, Peared.

Grawns, it's natural that your friend should feel envious initially, but if she can't come to terms with that and be happy for you, then I'd have to question how good a friend she really is. I can't imagine that she expects her friends to remain childless until she conceives herself.

I had a friend back in the States who was going through the same thing your friend is. She'd had years of IVF treatment, one of which resulted in a miscarriage, the other of which resulted in an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured, destroying one of her ovaries, and nearly killing her.

During this time, several of her closest friends were getting pregnant "naturally", which was an additional source of pain for her. They all told her right away that they were pregnant, since most of them worked with her and knew it couldn't be hidden for long.

While she was happy for their good news, it obviously added to her own frustrations at not being able to conceive, and she told me that she found herself slowly and quietly pulling away from them socially. While this was disappointing for her friends to see, they tried to understand. They invited her to the baby showers, but tried not to be hurt if she chose not to attend. It was a delicate situation for everyone.

My friend did conceive ultimately, and is now the proud parent of a 5 year old boy.

If I were in your shoes, I would gently tell your best friend at the same time that you plan to tell all the others who are closest to you in your life, and then be sensitive to the fact that she may need some time to process it.

Good luck.

Sulukie · 23-06-2008 12:35pm

Hi Grawns

I was in a similar position as my sister was having fertility treatments when I told her I was pregnant. I was very careful to tell her on her own and just before any one else so that she didn't hear it from any one but me.

I know she found it very hard to hear but she was so supportive all during my pregnancy and is great with baby. I suppose she didn't have the option of distancing herself the way a friend would have.

As the others have said tell her gently and don't take it personally if she distances herself for a while, try to keep in touch and give her time to adjust.

Sulukie

Grawns · 24-06-2008 9:47am

Thanks guys for your thoughts and advice.

In terms of telling her sensitvely I was thinking of telling her partner to break it to her so she can scream and wail at him and he can comfort her. Perhaps I will give him a letter to give her afterwards. I just want to give her time to react badly away from me. Am big coward.

Quality · 24-06-2008 12:28pm

Grawns wrote: »

Thanks guys for your thoughts and advice.

In terms of telling her sensitvely I was thinking of telling her partner to break it to her so she can scream and wail at him and he can comfort her. Perhaps I will give him a letter to give her afterwards. I just want to give her time to react badly away from me. Am big coward.

Ahh Grawns you dont have to feel guilty about being pregnant. A true friend should be happy for you that you are pregnant.

I would do the whole on your own thing with her. After my miscarraige people were afraid to tell me that they were pregnant... I was more annoyed at them for being afraid to tell me. I was delighted they had were pregnant!! A baby is a good thing!! Its good luck!

Personally I think the idea of a letter is a bit much. If you get her partner to tell her and get her to ring you when she feels like it, It would probably be better. Dont put it in type for it to be mulled over...

Anyhow that is just my thoughts on it. I think you will know your friend better. So Best of luck.

littlebug · 24-06-2008 1:31pm

I agree that you should tell her yourself and actually tell her before you tell others. The worst thing would be that she hears from someone else. I was in the same boat a few years back and while it was incredibly difficult for my friend to be around pregnant people and each one she heard about was difficult for her it was also important to her that people were honest with her. She did avoid a lot of people (me included) for a while til she came to terms with it but she was also first in the queue to visit and hold my baby.

Aisling&M · 08-08-2008 2:30pm

You've probably already told her but I thought I'd post from the perspective similar to your friends. Infertility is like unending grief. It doesn't make sense and it makes you angry and bitter, even if inside you are a wonderful person.

I and those I know who are infertile agree that it's much better to tell them by phone or email. It gives us time and freedom to cry in private or end the conversation when we need to rather than cry and bawl and ruin your happiness.

I know many of my friends have gotten pregnant and while I'm very happy for them, temporarily it rips my heart out. When I've been ready to face them and congratulate them I have and it's much better that way.

I hope it went well and if any one else is reading this, they might take a moment to think about their approach to telling the truly wonderful news to those who just might not have the strength to hear it.

Grawns · 08-08-2008 8:48pm

Hi guys

I've been ignoring this issue as I was waiting until my first trimester was over. My head was too all over the place to think about it too much. Basically she texted me how was I and whats up etc. and I texted her back my news and that I understood that she would find this distressing. The upshot is that she is happy for me but can't hear about it or see me at the moment. I told her she could avoid me for a while but not forever. Now in my 2nd trimester I may broach meeting but I'm so consumed with baby stuff at the moment I hardly think it's fair.

Ashling&M I really appreciate your view and will probably text her to get in touch whenever she is ready. She is the nicest person and her heart is broken.

Lillyella · 09-08-2008 1:12pm

God, its a terribly sad situation, and whilst its very difficult for her, you have been there for her for the last 5 years supporting her through the IVF.

From my experience people who are trying to concieve unsuccessfully can become very bitter, but its still unreasonable for her not to support you now.

Congrats on your pregnancy!

Grawns · 09-08-2008 7:12pm

Thanks Lillyella

What's worse is that she did conceive once and miscarried. That's what sent her off the deep end. She has every reason to be bitter in my book, 5 years of that kind of headwreck is enough to mess everyone up. I'm just sad that our friendship won't be the same. We lived together, travelled together and were always there for each other. I'm closer to her than my own sister and I miss her. Whenever she's ready I'll be there.

Aisling&M · 10-08-2008 12:04pm

You sound like a wonderful friend and I'm sure your friend feels very lucky to have you and be conidered so thoughtfully by you.

Wishing you a healthy and happy pregnancy

My best friend is reproductively challenged

Comments