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Not sure what he's thinking!

  • 20-10-2014 7:52pm
    #1
    ellafitzi
    Registered Users Posts: 11 ✭


    My last relationship ended pretty badly a few months back and I decided I needed to take a break after that. However I met a guy a few weeks after I broke up with my ex. As I was feeling lonely I thought it would be a bit of company and help me on. It certainly has helped as I haven't thought about my ex at all this past few weeks.
    The only thing is I've started to like this guy. The past few weeks we have got into the routine of him calling to my house on the same night every week. We normally chat and have a few glasses of wine, watch a dvd or get a takeaway. Once we even went out to the cinema. The point is, we seem to be getting in to a routine. He stays the night and we both get up and go to work the next morning.
    What is starting to not sit right with me is the fact that he is starting not to contact me outside of this day. I'm not sure is it because he's loosing interest or is it because he knows we have a routine and he will see me on Thursday nights. I think I may also have given him mixed messages too. At the start I made it casual so I can see if he thinks now that's the way it is. So how now do I turn it around? Now I'm not saying I want a relationship with this guy it's very early yet. But how do I let him know that I don't want it to be a casual once a week thing. I'd like to see where this could go. Maybe I've just made it too easy for him to have his cake and eat it. He's also heading away for a year next year so it's not a good time for him either to get in to anything


Comments

  • #2
    Shrap
    Registered Users Posts: 3,163 ✭✭✭Shrap


    ellafitzi wrote: »
    I think I may also have given him mixed messages too. At the start I made it casual so I can see if he thinks now that's the way it is. So how now do I turn it around? Now I'm not saying I want a relationship with this guy it's very early yet. But how do I let him know that I don't want it to be a casual once a week thing. I'd like to see where this could go. Maybe I've just made it too easy for him to have his cake and eat it. He's also heading away for a year next year so it's not a good time for him either to get in to anything

    Certainly, you have given mixed messages to yourself, never mind him OP. For example, if I was him I'd be most insulted by the "too easy for him to have his cake and eat it" comment. You're coming over as a bit predatory there, considering that your messages to him (what you've shown you are happy with) were to keep it casual, and Thursdays worked for you both. Without even consulting him about whether he might like to meet up at the weekend or something, you've figured he's just into it for the once a week company/sex although you don't know yourself if you want any more out of the arrangement?

    Ok, you're on dangerous ground clearly. You feel like being a bit more emotionally involved than you are and yet he's going away next year. He seems happy with once a week and now you're offended. One word of advice is don't hold the concept of a relationship over his head as if it's some kind of threat - "You want me/my body, you'd better put in the time and effort" if you yourself aren't in a position to put in the time and effort either. Figure out what you want and what you don't want, and be fair and square with him OP.


  • #3
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Don't be available this Thursday and see if he suggests another night or if Thursday suits you then suggest you meet elsewhere like a restaurant. Why don't you stay at his? Have you met any if his friends etc? Do you know for sure he is single? If you are not happy with thebsituayion then take it back a step to dating rather than your current situation


  • #4
    ellafitzi
    Registered Users Posts: 11 ✭ellafitzi


    Sharp you are right I need to be certain what I want first. If im honest I really do like this guy. I went into it with the idea of something casual so both prevent myself from getting hurt and to help me move on. Now that I have some feelings for this guy there is a fly in the ointment. I guess what I'm trying to get advice about is how I can let him see that I'd like to see if this can develop into something because I feel that I've made it into a casual thing. I I'm trying to work out if there is any way of doing that or is he just thinking it's nothing more than a casual thing. Yes obviously I know I could speak to him but I'd like to see if I can show it more through my actions at this early stage


  • #5
    daisybelle2008
    Registered Users Posts: 2,403 ✭✭✭daisybelle2008


    ellafitzi wrote: »
    My last relationship ended pretty badly a few months back and I decided I needed to take a break after that.

    Now I'm not saying I want a relationship with this guy it's very early yet. But how do I let him know that I don't want it to be a casual once a week thing.

    OP, you could jut say it to him but to be honest think about whether you need to be single for a while. You decided you needed a break literally weeks ago, but now you are starting into a situation that you don't seem even able to express your basic needs. Give yourself a break and get to know your own mind.


  • #6
    ellafitzi
    Registered Users Posts: 11 ✭ellafitzi


    CaraMay I have actually stayed at his place once and met his house mates. His friends know we have something because they tell him if they see me out and report back. So I guess that's reassuring as regards being with someone else. I suggested a few weeks back we go on a date to the cinema and to be fair we did. But his texting me between Thursdays is crap and annoys me. I think your right I won't contact him about this Thursday and see how he plays it. I've been thinking about suggesting meeting up on a weekend for a while so his answer to that may give me some clue too


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  • #7
    Shrap
    Registered Users Posts: 3,163 ✭✭✭Shrap


    ellafitzi wrote: »
    Sharp you are right I need to be certain what I want first. If im honest I really do like this guy. I went into it with the idea of something casual so both prevent myself from getting hurt and to help me move on. Now that I have some feelings for this guy there is a fly in the ointment. I guess what I'm trying to get advice about is how I can let him see that I'd like to see if this can develop into something because I feel that I've made it into a casual thing. I I'm trying to work out if there is any way of doing that or is he just thinking it's nothing more than a casual thing. Yes obviously I know I could speak to him but I'd like to see if I can show it more through my actions at this early stage

    Ellafitzi, I don't want to be "Mammy", but I've been crappy to myself in these situations enough times before to say that generally, if you get into having feelings about someone casual so soon after a break-up, that you could be projecting your needs (that weren't met with your ex) and something that was only ever meant to be casual can become an entirely one-sided quest for acceptance/reassurance/commitment/whateveryerhavinyerself. To be blunt, sorry ;-)

    Saying that....it's ok to be that person as well. It's not so ok however, to project some kind of task onto him that will fix your current predicament (like a relationship), or expect him to be psychic about your actions. I would suggest you do actually protect yourself by nipping this in the bud so you know one way or another and quite quickly. You're vulnerable now, and a relationship might be the last thing you really need, but so might a no strings once a week thing which leaves you wanting more. If he's half the man you want, you should be able to say "listen, I'm missing you being in touch more often" or even better "I'm having feelings for you that I don't know if I want or need". You'll find out more quickly what you and he want by using words, not actions that can be misinterpreted.

    Good luck and mind yourself hon! You're only finding your feet again... don't be too hard on either of you ;-)


  • #8
    strobe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,872 ✭✭✭strobe


    ellafitzi wrote: »
    But his texting me between Thursdays is crap and annoys me. I think your right I won't contact him about this Thursday and see how he plays it. I've been thinking about suggesting meeting up on a weekend for a while so his answer to that may give me some clue too

    I really don't see what you'd be hoping to accomplish by carrying on like that..

    Say you don't contact him about Thursday, and he contacts you wanting to meet up as usual - it tells you nothing, other than he thought you were meeting up as usual. Say you 'make yourself unavailable' and say "oh I'm not available for Thursday, how about the weekend?" and he agrees - it tells you nothing, other than the two of you are meeting up at the weekend rather than Thursday. Say you don't contact him about Thursday and he doesn't contact you about Thursday - it tells you nothing, other than he has done exactly what you have just done potentially for a dozen possible reasons.

    Look you're already aware that you're giving this guy mixed signals... If you do actually like him do you really think cancelling plans last minute with him, deliberately not contacting him, and other assorted insecure teenage girl behaviour is going to endear you to him more or leave the signals less mixed?

    Going by your posts, you're not a kid, don't act like one. You're a sensible adult woman, use your big girl words and talk to the guy like an adult, or you're just going to screw up anything there is there to screw up.


  • #9
    skallywag
    Registered Users Posts: 2,981 ✭✭✭skallywag


    strobe wrote: »
    ...If you do actually like him do you really think cancelling plans last minute with him, deliberately not contacting him, and other assorted insecure teenage girl behaviour is going to endear you to him more or leave the signals less mixed?...

    Agree completely with this. I cannot understand the logic behind the 'make yourself unavailable' style of tactic.

    OP, if you genuinely do like him then for heaven's sake just have talk to him and forget the mind games.


  • #10
    Lux23
    Registered Users Posts: 7,134 ✭✭✭Lux23


    Why don't you ask him out on a proper date?


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