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Younger man, older woman (in general)

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  • Registered Users Posts: 13,080 ✭✭✭✭Maximus Alexander


    Joya wrote: »
    you are funny but i must not say that because wibbs may think that i am seeking for validation and so its me who's subconsiously selecting guys like you to write messages like that on this topic :D:D:D

    PM Sent. :cool:


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,365 ✭✭✭Joya


    you sure?
    or you sent pm to someone else and just thought we would be happy to know that :D


  • Registered Users Posts: 28,789 ✭✭✭✭ScumLord


    Joya wrote: »
    So when they start to express a wish for something more I start to feel unease and something changes in me making me starting to feel uncomfortable.
    I don't know, it sounds like you're the one with the problem, although it's not exactly a bad problem to have. You have men in their prime falling over themselves to have your attention, which would lead me to believe there's plenty of older men that would feel the same but maybe put off by the caliber of your suitors. You're in the enviable position to be able to pick and choose from a wide variety of suitor.

    No matter what a woman looks like, big, small, loud, quite, shabby, classy, there's a guy out there that has an obsession for that type of woman.


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,027 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    If this thread doesn't end with Wibbs and Joya shacking up I'll be very disappointed.
    Ah here Ted. Feck off. :pac:
    Joya wrote: »
    aw okay, let me see : )
    in relation to this particular friend i really thought we are friends for all those years. it was an enjoyable friendship as far as i am concerned. i am also grateful to him because when i was going through some tough time he was there for me and listen..
    and all through that time you didn't spot he had the hots for you? Really? OK. If it was a one off and you were 22 I could see it alright. However given this seems to have been a pattern in your life with a fair number of men you would think you'd have spotted it more easily by now.
    women are usually right if they feel jealous - that something is going on .. and it is usually of s*xual nature..
    I have found that they're just as likely to be wrong as right. Gut instinct is not a great judge. Not on its own anyway. But in this case she was right to have concerns. As for the nature of the cheating, sexual is but one type. Sure it's the most obvious type and the one that usually gets men more worked up, but emotional cheating is another type and I have found the ladies much better at spotting that and having an issue with it(rightfully IMHO).
    like why would she be jealous - when we are just friends, unless there is something more from your side, and is there..
    so he blushed and was all smitten etc and then he told me.
    So she spotted this something more from his side and you didn't?
    you never had a friend like that?
    A woman friend who I knew/found out had romantic feelings for me, romantic feelings I didn't return, yet kept her around because what I was getting out of the friendship was more important than her feelings and the feelings of any boyfriends she had? That would be a no. My women friends are actual friends. None have those kind of feelings for me and vice versa.

    If they did I'd walk away. For their sake and the sake of any boyfriends they had. Sure I would be sorry to have lost what we had, but no way would I keep someone around knowing they were in love with me when I had no intention of returning that. IMHO it's better to cause an acute pain by leaving, than a chronic pain by remaining. On the other side now that he(and others) know you're not interested he should grow a clue and a spine and walk away himself. I could never see the attraction of unrequited love. Unrequited love is an oxymoron.
    i also am hoping that through our friendship he can perhaps learn something and change.
    Highly unlikely. More likely he'll just keep holding a torch for you and you'll keep the validation around. Well until a bloke you do have the hots for comes around.
    i decided looong time ago that i would never hurt another woman because of man. believe me, i had offers.
    Yet at least one of these guys girlfriends knew something was up and was jealous about it. Now how he feels is nothing to do with you, but how you act when you know is.
    i want to believe in second chances you know. do you consider that wrong?
    Nope I'm a big believer in second chances, however sometimes you give people a second chance by choosing to not be around them.
    in relation to pre-selection, i mean, do you really believe i 'select' man who work in the same office like me. or go to same course like me. or doctors who are operating on me and then have a crash one me.. subconsciously.. this story above is just one of many, i would not know where to start if id need to write all of that..
    You've just kinda proven my point. Offices and courses and hospitals and life are full of men yet as you say you have many such stories with the same remarkably consistent narrative. What's the common denominator? You.
    i must be some witch according to you :D
    Not at all. It's not a judgement, merely a personal observation.
    but really - lets go back to the topic - if possible and not make it personal okay? :)
    Well the topic is pretty personal and about you IMHO. The (in general) in the title is more like a pre deflection. Kinda like in a conversation where someone says "I don't wanna make this all about me, but..." followed by a conversation all about them. I reckon any objective reader would come to pretty much the same conclusion.

    My 3 cents anyway.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,365 ✭✭✭Joya


    ScumLord wrote: »
    I don't know, it sounds like you're the one with the problem, although it's not exactly a bad problem to have. You have men in their prime falling over themselves to have your attention, which would lead me to believe there's plenty of older men that would feel the same but maybe put off by the caliber of your suitors. You're in the enviable position to be able to pick and choose from a wide variety of suitor.

    No matter what a woman looks like, big, small, loud, quite, shabby, classy, there's a guy out there that has an obsession for that type of woman.

    bold 1 :)
    i surely do. hence the thread. because i am then placed in position to reject someone. i know rejecting is not a pleasant thing for anyone. so because i do genuinely care about those people so i start to feel uncomfortable. however i do put everything out there so that my position is clear, i don't know what else.. perhaps to close all those doors as wibbs is suggesting?... :unsure:

    bold 2 :)
    yes there are older man too (i never said there are not). man with careers and well suited on their own feet etc. but somehow it is for me easier to deal with them. not easy. for example, one about 40 yoa is currently in one foreign country due to work but is calling me and texting me and sending me those romantic images etc. i know him for 5 years about as well.
    twice over that time i did tell him i am not interested in relationship with him, as he mentioned marriage etc. now he was supposed to come back in the beginning of July, and i thought its good to have that final open conversation with him then, face to face.
    but something postponed his return by mid of august and since i see he's again cherishing hopes i have to see if it is better to deal with it over the phone. he was feeling hurt before, and he expressed it, so i know it will be painful again. but anyway i will have to accept the possibility that we will then close doors for each other completely.

    anyway, and perhaps should admit here that, since i was with my ex BF, i do find now younger man attractive.. and it is also confusing me.. i think all those guys just messed my head so i am trying to put it straight again TBH :)


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  • Registered Users Posts: 2,703 ✭✭✭DeadHand


    Something about a thread basically complaining about having attractive, diverse and adoring friends and potential suitors doesn't sit right with me when I think of all the people living in grinding loneliness.


  • Registered Users Posts: 13,080 ✭✭✭✭Maximus Alexander


    DeadHand wrote: »
    Something about a thread basically complaining about having attractive, diverse and adoring friends and potential suitors doesn't sit right with me when I think of all the people living in grinding loneliness.

    It's their fault for being uggos in fairness.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,703 ✭✭✭DeadHand


    It's their fault for being uggos in fairness.

    Some of the best and brighest I know are at heart lonely people or were at one time or other.

    Loneliness is part of the human condition, almost all of us will experience at some points in life to varying degrees.

    Feeling it does not make you an uggo.


  • Registered Users Posts: 13,080 ✭✭✭✭Maximus Alexander


    DeadHand wrote: »
    Some of the best and brighest I know are at heart lonely people or were at one time or other.

    Loneliness is part of the human condition, most of us will experience at some points in life to varying degrees.

    Feeling it does not make you an uggo.

    It was a joke, a jape, a jest, a quip even, if you will.

    I'm devilishly handsome, highly intelligent, humble and am possessed of a rapier wit. Yet even I have been lonely in bygone times.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,365 ✭✭✭Joya


    Wibbs wrote: »
    Ah here Ted. Feck off. :pac:

    and all through that time you didn't spot he had the hots for you? Really? OK. If it was a one off and you were 22 I could see it alright. However given this seems to have been a pattern in your life with a fair number of men you would think you'd have spotted it more easily by now.
    so would you presume all women in your life who are behaving friendly towards you have hots for you? would be going around and ask every woman who is your friend if she has hots for you? i don't know, i didn't. i'd feel weird if i'd start thinking or doing like that.
    perhaps it comes to the question of can man and woman be friends. i believe they can.
    I have found that they're just as likely to be wrong as right. Gut instinct is not a great judge. Not on its own anyway. But in this case she was right to have concerns. As for the nature of the cheating, sexual is but one type. Sure it's the most obvious type and the one that usually gets men more worked up, but emotional cheating is another type and I have found the ladies much better at spotting that and having an issue with it(rightfully IMHO).
    yes she was right, i was not happy with my friend. i didn't see him after that till he was single. i wish i could talk to his ex and tell her lots of things. i see it differently now. as of my friend i told him to try to "fix" things with her by going plain honest about everything. because i think she has all right to know. not just about me but everything. i know that i would prefer to hear the truth even if it would hurt me, actually i think truth can never hurt you as a lie can.
    So she spotted this something more from his side and you didn't?

    A woman friend who I knew/found out had romantic feelings for me, romantic feelings I didn't return, yet kept her around because what I was getting out of the friendship was more important than her feelings and the feelings of any boyfriends she had? That would be a no. My women friends are actual friends. None have those kind of feelings for me and vice versa.
    yes i already said, i din't. i don't know what else to say but that's my truth.
    If they did I'd walk away. For their sake and the sake of any boyfriends they had. Sure I would be sorry to have lost what we had, but no way would I keep someone around knowing they were in love with me when I had no intention of returning that. IMHO it's better to cause an acute pain by leaving, than a chronic pain by remaining. On the other side now that he(and others) know you're not interested he should grow a clue and a spine and walk away himself. I could never see the attraction of unrequited love. Unrequited love is an oxymoron.
    well how many friends do you have. i have to say i do not have many but few. i still value my friend as a friend of course. walking away? maybe. i will see how things go with his new gf (she may change something inside him and that would be good for him i think) and am hoping he will play the right game this time. if not, i perhaps will walkaway. i'll let you know ;)
    Yet at least one of these guys girlfriends knew something was up and was jealous about it. Now how he feels is nothing to do with you, but how you act when you know is.
    yes i know. i already said i wasn't seeing him for a while afterwards i wrote that first time i mentioned him i think.

    Nope I'm a big believer in second chances, however sometimes you give people a second chance by choosing to not be around them.
    yes, right. as of me someone has to do lots for me to strike that person through on my list, however i did it few times in my life, last time with my ex bf for example.
    You've just kinda proven my point. Offices and courses and hospitals and life are full of men yet as you say you have many such stories with the same remarkably consistent narrative. What's the common denominator? You.
    so i better be sitting home and going nowhere, is that what you're saying.
    even when i mentioned the doctor to my therapist who asked me out lol she said it is unethical and unprofessional. so perhaps i should not be going to checking out after the operation? i don't know. i think people simply meet. anywhere. i will perhaps tell you a story of one of my ex colleagues in some other post : )...

    Well the topic is pretty personal and about you IMHO. The (in general) in the title is more like a pre deflection. Kinda like in a conversation where someone says "I don't wanna make this all about me, but..." followed by a conversation all about them. I reckon any objective reader would come to pretty much the same conclusion.

    My 3 cents anyway.
    okay. i wish to believe the topic is ALSO about all people who find themselves in this kind of situation. i don't think it is that rare, i think it happens quite often to others too. i wanted to exchange experiences and so learn from each other, but i can write only about my own, since that's the only one i have.
    i will be more than happy to read about other peoples experiences and thoughts, as i am happy to talk here with you and think about your views :)


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,365 ✭✭✭Joya


    DeadHand wrote: »
    Something about a thread basically complaining about having attractive, diverse and adoring friends and potential suitors doesn't sit right with me when I think of all the people living in grinding loneliness.

    i actually do feel extremely lonely very often, believe it or not. life has many sides doesn't it...


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,027 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Joya wrote: »
    bold 1 :)
    i surely do. hence the thread. because i am then placed in position to reject someone. i know rejecting is not a pleasant thing for anyone. so because i do genuinely care about those people so i start to feel uncomfortable. however i do put everything out there so that my position is clear, i don't know what else.. perhaps to close all those doors as wibbs is suggesting?... :unsure:
    I would argue the doors are already closed and you're holding them open for some reason or other. I reckon validation but there could be other reasons.
    for example, one about 40 yoa is currently in one foreign country due to work but is calling me and texting me and sending me those romantic images etc. i know him for 5 years about as well.
    twice over that time i did tell him i am not interested in relationship with him, as he mentioned marriage etc. now he was supposed to come back in the beginning of July, and i thought its good to have that final open conversation with him then, face to face.
    but something postponed his return by mid of august and since i see he's again cherishing hopes i have to see if it is better to deal with it over the phone. he was feeling hurt before, and he expressed it, so i know it will be painful again. but anyway i will have to accept the possibility that we will then close doors for each other completely.
    Perfect example. This guy wants more, much more than you want. He even mentioned marriage which is as "much more" as you can get. He's been around for five years, five years, you've told him he has no chance and he's still hanging around like a puppy hoping you'll relent and agree and magically fall in love with him? Jesus I'd expect that nonsense from a lovestruck teenaged bloke, but a 40 year old man? Five months of that maybe, five years, no way. Grow a pair my lad. After five years that's not even an infatuation, it's damn near a mental illness.

    Now you have told this guy no way on the romance front, so why is he sticking around? Why are the others sticking around? Some might reckon you're "leading them on" emotionally and keeping them on the hook. I wouldn't, or at least that's a small part of the story. IMHO any sensible clued in emotionally mature man would walk away early on. No woman(or man for that matter) is worth waiting for when they've told you it's not going to happen.

    What I do think is happening is that like I said you're preselecting this type of man to hang around with. The naive, the emotionally immature, the ones who buy into the idea that they're Ben Stiller in some romcom Hollywood ideal of "love" and their Jennifer Aniston will see them for who they are and fall in love with them in the last reel. I'd bet the farm that there are a lot of commonalities with all these guys regardless of age. I've seen it so many times. Hell I've preselected myself in the past, but luckily I realised it quickly enough and stopped.

    You're also encouraging this behaviour. You've spelled it out above. This 40 year old bloke you've known for five years has brought up marriage and is still "calling [you] and texting [you] and sending [you] those romantic images etc" at the moment. You told him this was never going to happen. So... he's either a complete and utter moron, or you've given him some indication he may still have a chance, by confusing him with emotional engagement that he mistakes for romantic engagement. Or it's a little from column A and a little from column B. He is a bit of a moron and you've encouraged him.

    I'll bet many more of the ladies reading this will be agreeing with me. Few enough would keep a lovesick bloke around for years, they'd let them down gently and if that didn't work they'd drop them from their lives as weirdo stalkers. How many women would have a number of these lovesick guys?

    So it boils down to this; what are you getting out of it? You're getting something from it or you would have crossed these guys out of your life long ago.
    DeadHand wrote:
    Something about a thread basically complaining about having attractive, diverse and adoring friends and potential suitors doesn't sit right with me when I think of all the people living in grinding loneliness.
    Indeed, hence I mused this was yet another avenue of validation going on.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,365 ✭✭✭Joya


    Wibbs wrote: »
    He is a bit of a moron and you've encouraged him.
    ...
    So it boils down to this; what are you getting out of it? You're getting something from it or you would have crossed these guys out of your life long ago.
    ...
    Indeed, hence I mused this was yet another avenue of validation going on.

    1. i would not call anyone a moron. its disrespectful.
    this man divorced 6 years ago so before he met me. he is a surgeon in a very respected hospital in Dublin, working on many papers and researches etc, flying around the world to conferences and doing very respectable work.
    yet yes, maybe when it comes to love we all become "morons" a little. i am joking, but no, i don't think he is a moron, don't get me wrong. but i do hope we will straight this out whichever outcome it may have. perhaps you are right and i am "encouraging" him just by being present in his life. if so, that may change too. i will (have to) find a way to have this (final) facing with him.

    2. what i am getting? we all get something out of any interaction with others don't we? so yes, i suppose i do get something out of communication with these guys. (i have few female friends too). what is it? you think it is only a "validation" of myself, well, that would be quite plain and very shallow don't you think. i'm not sure i am at all interested in that kind of communication. never was, never will be. i also do give something to this people, and i feel good about it. until it comes to this. i mean its like a joke. really. i sometimes wish i could be a woman who would be able to for example go to bed with all these man make them happy and just continue to live. but i cannot. after i divorced and broke up with my ex bf, i was wondering for a while if i could live like that. tried once TBH. it was a great experience but it also left kind of a hole in my heart. so yes, i do not want to repeat it. not like that.
    to make this story short, maybe you re right, maybe i should just stop communicating with all of them and "turn the page", one fresh and blank.

    ps. (i don't know what IMHO means :/o) : ))


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 7 Cold Vapour


    Joya wrote: »
    1. i would not call anyone a moron. its disrespectful.
    this man divorced 6 years ago so before he met me. he is a surgeon in a very respected hospital in Dublin, working on many papers and researches etc, flying around the world to conferences and doing very respectable work.
    yet yes, maybe when it comes to love we all become "morons" a little. i am joking, but no, i don't think he is a moron, don't get me wrong. but i do hope we will straight this out whichever outcome it may have. perhaps you are right and i am "encouraging" him just by being present in his life. if so, that may change too. i will (have to) find a way to have this (final) facing with him.

    2. what i am getting? we all get something out of any interaction with others don't we? so yes, i suppose i do get something out of communication with these guys. (i have few female friends too). what is it? you think it is only a "validation" of myself, well, that would be quite plain and very shallow don't you think. i'm not sure i am at all interested in that kind of communication. never was, never will be. i also do give something to this people, and i feel good about it. until it comes to this. i mean its like a joke. really. i sometimes wish i could be a woman who would be able to for example go to bed with all these man make them happy and just continue to live. but i cannot. after i divorced and broke up with my ex bf, i was wondering for a while if i could live like that. tried once TBH. it was a great experience but it also left kind of a hole in my heart. so yes, i do not want to repeat it. not like that.
    to make this story short, maybe you re right, maybe i should just stop communicating with all of them and "turn the page", one fresh and blank.

    ps. (i don't know what IMHO means :/o) : ))

    When it comes to relationships that surgeon is indeed a moron. And yes that is disrespectful as it is hard to respect to someone who acts like a moron. I suspect the fact you have a surgeon pursuing you adds to the validation you clearly crave.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,365 ✭✭✭Joya


    When it comes to relationships that surgeon is indeed a moron. And yes that is disrespectful as it is hard to respect to someone who acts like a moron. I suspect the fact you have a surgeon pursuing you adds to the validation you clearly crave.

    aw jesus, great isnt it
    it did not come to your mind that actually conversations with him are very interesting..
    or should i reject him just because he is surgeon (so that i do not "validate" myself)..


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 34,942 Mod ✭✭✭✭pickarooney


    In all fairness, a person who's extremely attractive and very friendly must have to deal with a mountain this crap that, while it might seem the kind of problem less beautiful people would love to have, must get old very quickly. Kind of like being exrtaordinarily wealthy, you'd always be questioning in the back of your mind if someone was really a friend.

    But I think the thread title has little or nothing to do with the actual problem.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,192 ✭✭✭Ken Shamrock


    When it comes to relationships that surgeon is indeed a moron. And yes that is disrespectful as it is hard to respect to someone who acts like a moron. I suspect the fact you have a surgeon pursuing you adds to the validation you clearly crave.

    You don't know the person in question so it is quite naive of you to call him a moron. As for Joya "craving validation" wake up, if she wanted validation why would she be upset over this issue and y would she bring it up on a forum???


  • Registered Users Posts: 13,080 ✭✭✭✭Maximus Alexander


    You don't know the person in question so it is quite naive of you to call him a moron. As for Joya "craving validation" wake up, if she wanted validation why would she be upset over this issue and y would she bring it up on a forum???

    Also if it was validation she was after I have no doubt we'd be bombarded with some duck-face selfies to which we could respond with a chorus of "You don't look like you're in your late 30s!"


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,192 ✭✭✭Ken Shamrock


    Also if it was validation she was after I have no doubt we'd be bombarded with some duck-face selfies to which we could respond with a chorus of "You don't look like you're in your late 30s!"

    Exactly, i was saving that one for when he replied :p


  • Registered Users Posts: 463 ✭✭mister gullible


    If you like someone age doesn't matter.
    However it would be hard to put up with someone who yaks on about themselves non-stop.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,365 ✭✭✭Joya


    But I think the thread title has little or nothing to do with the actual problem.

    Yes, i agree we went off topic.

    Can we go back to it now please.

    Perhaps it was my bad for telling some of my stories, but I thought it would clarify the question and give it a frame. then people are responding and i was responding.

    i will be happy to continue with the topic.
    can it work? how? what would you think of people you see on street together with a big age gap but where woman is obviously older not the other way around cause it seems more acceptable. what of that guy what of that woman

    what lads in age i mentioned really want if they pursue the older woman.. thoughts on that..

    i mean behind the obvious eg sex/experience.
    or is it just exactly that. and nothing more. can it be more?

    i'll restrain myself from my personal from now on, i do not mind that at all, unless someone asks me specifically, but even then i can try to give a general answer.

    thanks a lot :)


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,192 ✭✭✭Ken Shamrock


    Joya wrote: »
    Yes, i agree we went off topic.

    Can we go back to it now please.

    Perhaps it was my bad for telling some of my stories, but I thought it would clarify the question and give it a frame. then people are responding and i was responding.

    i will be happy to continue with the topic.
    can it work? how? what would you think of people you see on street together with a big age gap but where woman is obviously older not the other way around cause it seems more acceptable. what of that guy what of that woman

    what lads in age i mentioned really want if they pursue the older woman.. thoughts on that..

    i mean behind the obvious eg sex/experience.
    or is it just exactly that. and nothing more. can it be more?

    i'll restrain myself from my personal from now on, i do not mind that at all, unless someone asks me specifically, but even then i can try to give a general answer.

    thanks a lot :)

    Of course it can work Joya, but it all depends on wheter or not you want it to. I personally don't like very young women 17-25ish going out with older men by older i mean 5+ yrs age gap or so, i just don't like it, i think the woman is very vunlerable in that situation. Call it sexist or whatever you like it is just how i feel.

    For a woman in her thirties to go out with a man in his twenties is perfectly fine and TBH seeing you with a young man walking down the street well i wouldn't bat an eyelid why would i??? You shouldn't need others approval anyway. If you like it, it makes you happy and it is legal then do it!!

    For me personally (early 20's) i couldn't have a relationship with say a 38 year old because i would want children later on in life and that is really the only thing stopping me. Would i have sexual relations with a woman that age, of course would have a "fling" or "fck buddy type thing" yes, but once feelings are involved it would be too difficult considering the stages of life and desired outcomes we share would be so different.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,365 ✭✭✭Joya


    Of course it can work Joya, but it all depends on wheter or not you want it to. I personally don't like very young women 17-25ish going out with older men by older i mean 5+ yrs age gap or so, i just don't like it, i think the woman is very vunlerable in that situation. Call it sexist or whatever you like it is just how i feel.

    For a woman in her thirties to go out with a man in his twenties is perfectly fine and TBH seeing you with a young man walking down the street well i wouldn't bat an eyelid why would i??? You shouldn't need others approval anyway. If you like it, it makes you happy and it is legal then do it!!

    For me personally (early 20's) i couldn't have a relationship with say a 38 year old because i would want children later on in life and that is really the only thing stopping me. Would i have sexual relations with a woman that age, of course would have a "fling" or "fck buddy type thing" yes, but once feelings are involved it would be too difficult considering the stages of life and desired outcomes we share would be so different.

    yes, i kind of got that from people who responded.
    and i see it better now, i'd also agree that when emotional involvement is included, it can be a messy ending.. so its a question then ''the older woman'' would have to answer, is it worth it, and is she ready to "pay the price" eventually :)


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,027 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Joya wrote: »
    so would you presume all women in your life who are behaving friendly towards you have hots for you? would be going around and ask every woman who is your friend if she has hots for you?
    Eh no. Though it's pretty easy to tell if they do. They act differently to actual friends. More than that even if I missed it and they told me like your male friends did I'd know then.
    perhaps it comes to the question of can man and woman be friends. i believe they can.
    Of course they can, but I hate to break it to you, they can't if one wants more than friendship. They're hanging around for ulterior reasons. If you do have a male friend he'll be the one who doesn't fancy you, just like your female friends.
    well how many friends do you have. i have to say i do not have many but few.
    I have a few, but again they're my friends and I'm theirs because of friendship, not in the hope of anything more. Friendship is enough.
    yes, right. as of me someone has to do lots for me to strike that person through on my list,
    Hanging out with with you with false pretenses is quite a lot in my book.
    however i did it few times in my life, last time with my ex bf for example.
    Ex boyfriends are a very different animal though. Still ticking all the boxes here.
    so i better be sitting home and going nowhere, is that what you're saying.
    Of course not. You're missing my point entirely. As I said what is the consistent factor in all these situations? You. It's not the men, it's the men you pick and I would say passively encourage. Well as it is you have a 40 year old guy hanging around for years and you're still responding to him even though he's imagining you're in some sort of relationship. And he's not alone.
    okay. i wish to believe the topic is ALSO about all people who find themselves in this kind of situation. i don't think it is that rare, i think it happens quite often to others too.
    Older woman, younger man, yes and no doubt many of the ladies reading have some experiences of it or know someone who does. Your particular setup? Sure it happens, I've known a few, but it's a lot rarer and I'd bet very few of the ladies reading would be in a similar setup and I'd bet a fair few are thinking "WTF?".
    i would not call anyone a moron. its disrespectful.
    this man divorced 6 years ago so before he met me. he is a surgeon in a very respected hospital in Dublin, working on many papers and researches etc, flying around the world to conferences and doing very respectable work.
    I should have been more clear, someone can be incredibly gifted and intelligent but can be a complete idiot when it comes to affairs of the heart. Going by your description of events this chap is.

    Oh yes IMHO = In My Humble Opinion.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,365 ✭✭✭Joya


    Wibbs wrote: »
    Eh no. Though it's pretty easy to tell if they do. They act differently to actual friends. More than that even if I missed it and they told me like your male friends did I'd know then.
    i am very tempted to tell you one story now. i''ll say it in general :d))
    so there was a young girl in primary school, she went to same class for about 5 years, so since she was 8 till 13.. she was the best in class eg school and very successful, when modules and marks were in question.. she had lots of male friends and she preferred to hang out with them playing on a field, rather than with the girls as she was finding girlish games quite boring, except for some. she had two best female friends though. however she was feeling very lonely inside ..

    anyway, one evening when she was about 12, one of the boys went to walk with her around the block, told her he wants to tell her something. so they were walking slowly and the boy was smiling and laughing and trying to say something, but he could not. she was trying to guess what is that about but all her attempts were wrong..

    few years have passed and she met the boy again when they were both about 17, 18 years old, because they went to different secondary schools and life parted them. however they sat that afternoon on one big stone in front of the building, and he asked her.. do you remember that evening when we were walking.. she vaguely remembered and confirmed.. he asked so do you know what was i trying to tell you. she said no. and he said, well, i was trying to tell you how much i like you, almost all guys in the class were kind-of in love with you... she was stunned., she had no idea.. she laughed but.. she was sincerely shocked as while in that primary school she thought that she is the last on anybody's list when that was in question and considered herself unattractive in that way....

    you'd think she'd learn since then, wouldn't u...

    Oh yes IMHO = In My Humble Opinion.

    thank you :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,745 ✭✭✭Macavity.


    I had always thought IMHO meant "in my honest opinion". :o


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,027 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    You don't know the person in question so it is quite naive of you to call him a moron.
    Only in affairs of the heart. Would you think anyone was even approaching sensible if they hung around in a one sided relationship hoping for more, even when they've been told it's not going to happen? For five years? I doubt it. It's a waste of time. That's a person putting an overinflated value on the object of their "love" and an underinflated value on themselves. A mindset that pretty much guarantees the object of their affections will be turned right off the idea of them.
    As for Joya "craving validation" wake up, if she wanted validation why would she be upset over this issue and y would she bring it up on a forum???
    You've pretty much answered your own question BC and you and a couple of the other lads are jumping in to keep the supply lines open as we speak. Read back through the thread and have a read between the lines. I'll bet the farm many of the women reading are seeing it. The relationships equivalent of the "friend" who comes out with "oh I can eat whatever I like and never gain a pound. I wish I could be more curvy like you" *does a petite body twirl*.
    I personally don't like very young women 17-25ish going out with older men by older i mean 5+ yrs age gap or so, i just don't like it, i think the woman is very vunlerable in that situation. Call it sexist or whatever you like it is just how i feel.

    For a woman in her thirties to go out with a man in his twenties is perfectly fine
    Well now hang on a cotton pickin second there B. :D Wut? So a 35 year old woman going out with a 25 year old man is fine, but the reverse is wrong in your eyes? Even if it was a 30 year old man with a 25 year old woman? Men can be vulnerable too. Very much so. Though there are more women who present with mental illness more men commit suicide. Where do you think this "Pickup artist" nonsense finds such a willing audience ready to buy into it? A large chunk of men out there feel very vulnerable. A large chunk of men out there are bloody lonely and feel adrift socially and especially romantically. Basically put, vulnerability is no respecter of gender or age or age gap. It's either there or it's not. I've even seen the older person in an age gap relationship being the one who was emotionally used and abused.

    Romantically naive men can be extremely vulnerable to emotional manipulation, or spinning a romantic lie in their own heads even without any manipulation. Never mind young men, take the OP's examples of some of the men in her life on board. In one case you have an otherwise scarily intelligent and accomplished individual, a leader in his field, who is waiting around in the limbo, rather the purgatory of "unrequited love" for five years and still thinks he has a chance and he's been directly told he hasn't. Eh... A more emotionally and romantically mature man(or woman) would have given that up as a dead loss years ago and moved on.
    Joya wrote:
    you'd think she'd learn since then, wouldn't u...
    You would indeed. I'm loving the "almost all guys in the class were kind-of in love with you" part.

    In any event that's not in play with the men now. You know how they feel and yet...
    thank you :)
    No worries. Just call me Google. :)
    Macavity wrote:
    I had always thought IMHO meant "in my honest opinion". :o
    IMHO M, you're wrong. :pac: TBH(to be honest) and BTW(by the way) I hadn't a fecking clue about most of those interweb truncations and many a time had to hit Google for answers. AFAIK(as far as I know) threw me as did AFK(away from keyboard). I still get caught out with some of them.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,365 ✭✭✭Joya


    Wibbs wrote: »
    You've pretty much answered your own question BC and you and a couple of the other lads are jumping in to keep the supply lines open as we speak. Read back through the thread and have a read between the lines. I'll bet the farm many of the women reading are seeing it. The relationships equivalent of the "friend" who comes out with "oh I can eat whatever I like and never gain a pound. I wish I could be more curvy like you" *does a petite body twirl*.
    i wish i can understand this paragraph. is it in english? :unsure: : )
    In any event that's not in play with the men now. You know how they feel and yet...
    yes and yet what?
    so you hang out with some people for a year or two you hear their stories about this and that and you connect isn't it, start to care about them and how they are, see them in ups and downs and the other way around, and so then when they come out with this you just say aw sorry, that's not acceptable, goodbye?
    it sounds quite a butchery approach to me :(


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 7 Cold Vapour


    Joya wrote: »
    i wish i can understand this paragraph. is it in english? :unsure: : )


    yes and yet what?
    so you hang out with some people for a year or two you hear their stories about this and that and you connect isn't it, start to care about them and how they are, see them in ups and downs and the other way around, and so then when they come out with this you just say aw sorry, that's not acceptable, goodbye?
    it sounds quite a butchery approach to me :(

    It's very simple, cut contact with these men who you know are harbouring some form of "romantic" feelinks for you. If you actually care about them that's the best thing you should do for them, while telling them to cop on.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 13,080 ✭✭✭✭Maximus Alexander


    Wibbs wrote: »
    You've pretty much answered your own question BC and you and a couple of the other lads are jumping in to keep the supply lines open as we speak. Read back through the thread and have a read between the lines. I'll bet the farm many of the women reading are seeing it. The relationships equivalent of the "friend" who comes out with "oh I can eat whatever I like and never gain a pound. I wish I could be more curvy like you" *does a petite body twirl*.

    I know I'm probably one of the younger men you're referring to but I'm taking a pretty light-hearted approach to the thread, so not too much should be read in to anything I've said. I do however think you're being a bit harsh on the girl, I mean if the situation she describes is true then it's a worthwhile topic of conversation.

    I feel that perhaps you have some preformed opinions that are colouring your view a little here, but on the other hand, maybe I'm just not old enough to be as cynical as you yet. :D


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