Single life as a guy...

LordNorbury · 26-06-2014 12:22pm #1

Hi folks, just thought I'd start this thread, I'm a guy in my mid 30's and single, it occurred to me to start a general discussion on single life for guys in their 20's and 30's (and upwards!)... I'm single a few years now, after a few really long term relationships, was never married and never had kids.

I don't want this to be a thread on internet dating or how to pull women as a single guy, more about the pro's and the con's of single life, the best and the worst of it, aspirations for the future, maybe regrets about the past, what you do that is important to you to have and to enjoy your life, that is generally configured very differently from many people around you, (who at this age are generally settled down with a partner and kids)...

Just interested in generating some discussion on the subject, as your man on Star Trek says, "engage!"...

walshb · 26-06-2014 12:26pm

I would imagine the pros are that little bit more freedom and being in charge of your day. Less responsibility towards a partner.

Cons: Maybe loneliness. We are a social animal for the most part. Nice to have a companion to share your day with, your opinions with and your time with.

ancapailldorcha · 26-06-2014 12:58pm

Pros: I work in science so it's likely I'll have to move about a few more times before settling down. An Italian chap at work has moved 4 times in the last 5-6 years. Being single would make that a lot easier. Walshb has pointed out that you can what you want when you're single without having to worry about someone else.

Cons: Loneliness I suppose. Friends can alleviate that to some degree but it can be difficult being the only single guy in a group of lads. Living alone might be more expensive as well as opposed to renting a one bedroom flat with a spouse or partner and splitting the rent and other costs.

LordNorbury · 26-06-2014 1:48pm

I was having a discussion about this subject recently, with a female friend who is also single, and I ended up admitting that I reckon I would find it really hard to get into a relationship again, particularly in these times we are living in, and after having been single for the last 5 odd years.

Not having people depending on you, I think provides a lot of relief these days, my mates who have kids and are settled down, it always seems from the outside looking in, to be such a struggle financially on a day to day or week to week basis. Don't get me wrong, it can often be a struggle financially being a single person, given the times we are living through, but I genuinely shudder at the idea of kids or a spouse being reliant upon me as a provider, as I know I'm not set up financially for that kind of responsibility. I know from speaking to mates who are settled, that having the love of your kids and spouse can give you things that you can't put a price on, but at the same time (at the moment), it is a trade off that I would not dream of considering.

seachto7 · 26-06-2014 5:30pm

Pros: Doing what you want, when you want, whenever you want, to suit you and nobody else.

Cons: You get so used to your own time, and doing things to suit yourself, that it is a shock to have to curb this, or sacrifice this to spend time with someone else. Of course, if they are worth it, it won't be such an ordeal, but I do think you can get very used to your own company and your own schedule.

catallus · 26-06-2014 5:33pm

It's just soooo relaxing to be single!

nbar12 · 26-06-2014 6:27pm

seachto7 wrote: »

Pros: Doing what you want, when you want, whenever you want, to suit you and nobody else.

Cons: You get so used to your own time, and doing things to suit yourself, that it is a shock to have to curb this, or sacrifice this to spend time with someone else. Of course, if they are worth it, it won't be such an ordeal, but I do think you can get very used to your own company and your own schedule.

I've just gotten into a relationship for the first time in 2 years and this is what I'm dreading!

ongarboy · 27-06-2014 11:07am

LordNorbury wrote: »

I was having a discussion about this subject recently, with a female friend who is also single, and I ended up admitting that I reckon I would find it really hard to get into a relationship again, particularly in these times we are living in, and after having been single for the last 5 odd years.

Not having people depending on you, I think provides a lot of relief these days, my mates who have kids and are settled down, it always seems from the outside looking in, to be such a struggle financially on a day to day or week to week basis. Don't get me wrong, it can often be a struggle financially being a single person, given the times we are living through, but I genuinely shudder at the idea of kids or a spouse being reliant upon me as a provider, as I know I'm not set up financially for that kind of responsibility. I know from speaking to mates who are settled, that having the love of your kids and spouse can give you things that you can't put a price on, but at the same time (at the moment), it is a trade off that I would not dream of considering.

In a healthy relationship, mutual two way dependency, compromise, consideration of eachother's feelings, thoughts and needs, respect for eachother's individuality and independence, sharing of eachother's assets and means are all great things but you seem to view them all as negative drawbacks. If you do or if your past relationships were conducted where you did not experience any of the above or it was purely one way at your expense, then yes, single life is better. However, I think the merits of being single just to get your own way all the time or so you won't have to give either materially or emotionally to others (ie partner or children) would start to ring a little hollow for me after a while.

ancapailldorcha · 27-06-2014 11:09am

ongarboy wrote: »

In a healthy relationship, mutual two way dependency, compromise, consideration of eachother's feelings, thoughts and needs, respect for eachother's individuality and independence, sharing of eachother's assets and means are all great things but you seem to view them all as negative drawbacks. If you do or if your past relationships were conducted where you did not experience any of the above or it was purely one way at your expense, then yes, single life is better. However, I think the merits of being single just to get your own way all the time or so you won't have to give either materially or emotionally to others (ie partner or children) would start to ring a little hollow for me after a while.

I think it's the same with people moaning about having to go to work. We had an accident which essentially kept us out of our building and I was starting to go crazy with nothing to do.

Noxin · 27-06-2014 11:16am

catallus wrote: »

It's just soooo relaxing to be single!

That only lasts so long. I'm single a fair while now. Early 30s. Out of a 2 year relationship. Had 5 single years before that and a 5 year relationship before that.

Single life is great for doing what you want, when you want and how you want.

However, single life is very boring when all your mates are married, busy etc. etc., and your left sitting on the scratcher doing absolutely sweet F- all for weeks at a time.

Yer Aul One · 27-06-2014 11:17am

Ultimate Pro: Less people in your life to disappoint

LordNorbury · 27-06-2014 11:18am

ongarboy wrote: »

In a healthy relationship, mutual two way dependency, compromise, consideration of eachother's feelings, thoughts and needs, respect for eachother's individuality and independence, sharing of eachother's assets and means are all great things but you seem to view them all as negative drawbacks. If you do or if your past relationships were conducted where you did not experience any of the above or it was purely one way at your expense, then yes, single life is better. However, I think the merits of being single just to get your own way all the time or so you won't have to give either materially or emotionally to others (ie partner or children) would start to ring a little hollow for me after a while.

Well I was previously in very long term relationships that I was actually extremely happy in at the time, they didn't work out for their own respective reasons, but I do recall enjoying and embracing everything positive about relationships that you have described above, when I was previously in a long term relationship.

However being single for the last number of years, you do adapt to a different lifestyle. You learn how to find your own particular level of content. For me, and many disagree with me on this particular point, but I think (for me specifically I mean and I'm not applying this to other people who are entitled to hold a very different view which I would respect for them), there is a time for everything, there is a time for starting a family and having kids. You can get into a relationship at any age but you can't start a family at any age. For me, cruising towards my 40's, I'd need to be with someone for 3 plus years before I'd dream of starting a family with them, and in my case that puts me right up against 40 and you are getting into all sorts of well known and well understood risks there I think when it comes to trying for a baby, risks that to be honest I wouldn't be prepared to take.

I can't agree that there is anything "hollow" with having this view, and same for saying as a single person that you are not financially set up to be a provider or a family man, so on that basis and in addition to the above, you are happy enough being single where you don't have these expectations placed upon you, I can't see how that is hollow, once I'm being honest about that, which I always am...

tashiusclay · 27-06-2014 11:49am

Noxin wrote: »

However, single life is very boring when all your mates are married, busy etc. etc., and your left sitting on the scratcher doing absolutely sweet F- all for weeks at a time.

That's what hobbies and interests are for, they keep scratcher time to a minimum in times like those!

Wompa1 · 27-06-2014 5:00pm

I was single pretty much all throughout my teens and the early part of my 20's. Then for 7-8 month patches.

Being single is great, if it's your choice or if it suits you. If you were in a loving relationship and you get cheated on or something bad happens. Being single again can seem like the worst thing in the world.

I've become addicted to work. I usually start around 7:30am and don't finish until 10pm or later most days. I work on weekends and that's fine. My current girlfriend works 7 days a week so I've been able to get away with it. She's winding down on her 7 days a week, she's getting shorter hours and expects to be finished in 4 weeks. She'll go back to a 5 day week of regular set hours. I'm pretty worried about her expecting me to spend every free moment she has, with her.

Also, I'd echo the benefit of being able to come and go as you please when single without a care in the world. Also, the comment about having nobody to disappoint. I'm quite blunt and harsh with my words. I hate the feeling of hurting my girlfriend by saying something off the cuff without realizing.

But on the Pro Side, it's great to have support when you feel like crap. It's nice to have company, obviously s3x and somebody to share experiences with. It's a different dynamic than that with friends

osaurus · 27-06-2014 10:00pm

I've been single about 6 years or so, I'm 28 now. I worked ridiculous hours for the first 2 years of singledom, maybe 4 days off a month. I didn't really have time to spend with my friends and family let alone a girlfriend. I had one or two potential girlfriend's but it didn't work out for other reasons. After all that I went back to university and I'm about to go into my final year. College, placement and full fees mean when I'm not in university or placement I'm working more than likely. I do have more time to do things and socialise but not enough to devote to a potential girlfriend. I've met a few ladies since university and gone on dates, but from the get go I've told them my free time is short, most are still good friends thankfully and are understanding.

It can be frustrating though. Most of my friends are in long term relationships and either getting engaged, married, having kids or buying a house. I didn't realise until a friends new years party. Everyone bar me had a significant other there. Felt very out of place.

On the flip side last Summer I solo travelled around SE Asia for 12 weeks during my summer break. When I've time I also fit in a bit of wood turning and just veg out doing that. I'm pretty comfortable in myself, have good friends I can confide in when feeling pants and some decent hobbies.

Conversely, if I had more time and less commitments a girlfriend would be awesome. Maybe when I qualify

beks101 · 28-06-2014 4:59pm

Noxin wrote: »

That only lasts so long. I'm single a fair while now. Early 30s. Out of a 2 year relationship. Had 5 single years before that and a 5 year relationship before that.

Single life is great for doing what you want, when you want and how you want.

However, single life is very boring when all your mates are married, busy etc. etc., and your left sitting on the scratcher doing absolutely sweet F- all for weeks at a time.

I dunno, I never got bored of my own company when I was single. Not for a second. I'd be one of those people who could easily spend a week in my own company anyway without seeing or talking to anyone and I'd be happy out lost in my own little world, reading or watching documentaries all day or going for mega-walks or runs or working out all day and then cooking up a storm in the kitchen. I've always had a pretty stressful busy job where I'm surrounded by chaos and jesus I used to just love that time.

It made a new relationship a bit challenging in the beginning as I just couldn't see how setting aside time to potter about on my own and do nothing was a bit selfish when I should be spending that rare bit of free time with himself, but I suppose when it's with the right person you'll do what you have to do.

I do agree that you can get a bit "used" to being single though, there's a definite sense of freedom in that accountable-to-noone sort of mentality.

28-06-2014 5:07pm

Bit sick of being single, it seems like it'd be nice to have someone care what I'm up to. :P

roro1990 · 28-06-2014 5:26pm

I'm 24 and have been single for the last two years after a 3 year relationship. Not really one for one night stands so I guess sex is obviously something I miss, especially when on facebook it appears most single guys are getting laid all the time. Loneliness is also a downfall of it.

But then listening to the lads after a few drinks moan about their gf's and petty arguments kinda reminds me that I'd be better off not in a relationship

route9 · 29-06-2014 3:31pm

roro1990 wrote: »

I'm 24 and have been single for the last two years after a 3 year relationship. Not really one for one night stands so I guess sex is obviously something I miss, especially when on facebook it appears most single guys are getting laid all the time. Loneliness is also a downfall of it.

Getting laid all the time or wanting you to believe they are getting laid all the time?

Aside from a relatively brief long-distance relationship 6/7 years ago, I realised last night I have been single for the past 11 years! So used to it at this stage. The funny thing is I have no problem getting dates, and I've kinda started seeing someone lately too.

I'm 33 now though and conscious that time is moving on a little and I would love to have kids. Or even just one kid

All in good time I trust!

Wibbs · 29-06-2014 3:40pm

It so depends on the individual mans personality. I know a fair few men who are simply happier in a relationship. When they're single they're not as content overall. Other men can go either way and some are more content single. I'd reckon it depends on how "domestic" a man is too. EG I just don't do domestic at all. My idea of hell would be an extended family dinner with kids running around. Never had them growing up so they just don't compute for me now. Being an only child can make a difference too I've found. Being one myself and knowing others over the years they tend to be less relationship focused. Actually my best relationships have been with women who were also only children.

Loneliness if often put forward as a disadvantage of being single. I dunno, it can be, however I know too many middle aged blokes who are as lonely as hell in full on marriages. Middle aged men killing themselves is a rising demographic. In the past they were the least likely to commit suicide. The majority of them might be financial pressure in nature, but feeling lonely within relationships is at least some of it. Never mind how divorce can rape men. In Ireland it's not nearly so bad or so widespread, but if I was an American man I'd reckon I'd have a screw loose to even contemplate marriage.

One advantage men have today is choice. We can choose to remain single. Well a lot more easily than men in previous generations where the marriage, wife and kids in a three bed semi was expected and societal pressure to follow that template was significantly higher. There are also more social avenues available than previously, never mind that access to non relationship sex is a lot easier. Up to a certain age anyway, but a 35 year old bloke who isn't a physical wreck has a lot more options on that score if he so chooses.

route9 · 29-06-2014 7:35pm

Wibbs wrote: »

It so depends on the individual mans personality. I know a fair few men who are simply happier in a relationship. When they're single they're not as content overall. Other men can go either way and some are more content single. I'd reckon it depends on how "domestic" a man is too. EG I just don't do domestic at all. My idea of hell would be an extended family dinner with kids running around. Never had them growing up so they just don't compute for me now. Being an only child can make a difference too I've found. Being one myself and knowing others over the years they tend to be less relationship focused. Actually my best relationships have been with women who were also only children.

Loneliness if often put forward as a disadvantage of being single. I dunno, it can be, however I know too many middle aged blokes who are as lonely as hell in full on marriages. Middle aged men killing themselves is a rising demographic. In the past they were the least likely to commit suicide. The majority of them might be financial pressure in nature, but feeling lonely within relationships is at least some of it. Never mind how divorce can rape men. In Ireland it's not nearly so bad or so widespread, but if I was an American man I'd reckon I'd have a screw loose to even contemplate marriage.

One advantage men have today is choice. We can choose to remain single. Well a lot more easily than men in previous generations where the marriage, wife and kids in a three bed semi was expected and societal pressure to follow that template was significantly higher. There are also more social avenues available than previously, never mind that access to non relationship sex is a lot easier. Up to a certain age anyway, but a 35 year old bloke who isn't a physical wreck has a lot more options on that score if he so chooses.

Great points but it also depends on the person you meet as as well as the type of person you are. I am guessing there have been many men (and women) who were perfectly happy single until a certain person came along (and then it was a different kind of contentment perhaps). Hopefully

strobe · 29-06-2014 10:17pm

route9 wrote: »

Great points but it also depends on the person you meet as as well as the type of person you are. I am guessing there have been many men (and women) who were perfectly happy single until a certain person came along (and then it was a different kind of contentment perhaps). Hopefully

I'd agree with this. I've been single most of my life, and genuinely at no point throughout that time do I ever remember having any kind of longing or need or even desire to 'be in a relationship', or feeling any kind of lamentation at being single. I loved being single, although I don't think I ever thought specifically about it much, which I suppose you wouldn't unless it was something you were unhappy with. I never felt like I was missing out on anything or anything like that. Whenever I have been in a relationship (and I'm in one now), it's always just been a case of having happened to meet someone specific I wanted to be in one with, rather than ever being in a state of mind that I was interested in being in a relationship for any general reason related to being in a relationship.

bnt · 29-06-2014 11:39pm

One thing that struck me recently was the huge gap between how relationships are often portrayed in movies & TV, versus reality. I've never expected it to be "just like the movies", but the movies aren't even close.
- there are no meet cutes, ever;
- no-one ever goes on blind dates;
- I've never been introduced to a potential partner by a friend or cow-orker who thought "you two might hit it off";
- I've never been hit on in the office - not even a look. I work in IT, so everywhere I've worked has been at least 90% men, with no women who would risk appearing to be single;
- if a woman is at the bar by herself, it means her (boy)friend is in the loo or will be there shortly;
- if you and a potential partner fight over something, it doesn't signal attraction, it just means you are incompatible.

Wibbs · 30-06-2014 10:49am

route9 wrote: »

Great points but it also depends on the person you meet as as well as the type of person you are. I am guessing there have been many men (and women) who were perfectly happy single until a certain person came along (and then it was a different kind of contentment perhaps). Hopefully

Maybe. Though a lot of that IMH can be or is just as much the notion of the "One"(tm) perpetuated by culture. I have seen it happen alright but in the vast majority of cases it was just as much about timing in someone's stage of life than anything. You could read the script ahead of time. IE you get a lot more people meeting the "certain someone" in their 30's than you do in their 20's. Go back a couple of generations and knock a decade off that. I've certainly seen that in a fair few women over the years(they have much more to consider and a shorter timeframe re having a family). Where they had a few pretty decent relationships in their 20's but they fizzled out after the honeymoon period, yet the met the "One"(tm) at 35 or whenever and it was a whirlwind rush to the altar or registry office and thence to suburbia. IMHO it was often(not always) more a case of the one in front of me, rather than the "One"(tm). Then again I am a cynic.

bnt wrote: »

One thing that struck me recently was the huge gap between how relationships are often portrayed in movies & TV, versus reality. I've never expected it to be "just like the movies", but the movies aren't even close.

Oh I'd agree B, but I'd be looking at slightly different angles where the movie stuff is hokum.

- there are no meet cutes, ever;

Actually that has happened to me. She, a stranger, dropped something and we both bent down to get it and bashed heads. Got to talking and went out for the guts of a year.

- no-one ever goes on blind dates;

I have but it was cringeworthy for both.

- I've never been introduced to a potential partner by a friend or cow-orker who thought "you two might hit it off";

Oh I have. Not by a mate as such, but more by their wives or girlfriends trying to set me up.

- I've never been hit on in the office - not even a look. I work in IT, so everywhere I've worked has been at least 90% men, with no women who would risk appearing to be single;

Again I have twice, but it wasn't my office as it were. I was visiting on biz, so a different dynamic I'd reckon? Plus I tend to deal with more women anyway so...

- if a woman is at the bar by herself, it means her (boy)friend is in the loo or will be there shortly;

Usually yes.

- if you and a potential partner fight over something, it doesn't signal attraction, it just means you are incompatible.

I wouldn't agree there. It depends on the fight and the couples dynamic. Sometimes they can be a way of letting off steam from a relationship.

Where I would say the movies are hokum is with things like the doofus, plain looking guy, your Adam Sandler/Ben Stiller type, who is all shy and goofy to the point of farce but wins the hottie in the end and she dumps the rich/good looking/bad boy dude. In reality that very rarely happens in my experience. IMHO the otherwise daft Sex and the City got that right with the Mr Big character, who floats in, bangs her and leaves but keeps her hooked and distracted from "better" blokes. With a few films aimed at women it's apparently fair game to get involved with blokes already engaged, even to sabotage their nuptials. They also heavily promote the "One"(tm) idea. That he/she is one in a million, when in actual fact he/she is more like one of a billion. Love conquers all is another trope. The one aimed at women is that love will change men. Nope. Not longterm. If an alien wanted a template on how to work out romantic relationships romantic films would be about the worst for them to study.

Pawwed Rig · 30-06-2014 11:04am

Wibbs wrote: »

Maybe. Though a lot of that IMH can be or is just as much the notion of the "One"(tm) perpetuated by culture. I have seen it happen alright but in the vast majority of cases it was just as much about timing in someone's stage of life than anything. You could read the script ahead of time. IE you get a lot more people meeting the "certain someone" in their 30's than you do in their 20's. Go back a couple of generations and knock a decade off that. I've certainly seen that in a fair few women over the years(they have much more to consider and a shorter timeframe re having a family). Where they had a few pretty decent relationships in their 20's but they fizzled out after the honeymoon period, yet the met the "One"(tm) at 35 or whenever and it was a whirlwind rush to the altar or registry office and thence to suburbia. IMHO it was often(not always) more a case of the one in front of me, rather than the "One"(tm). Then again I am a cynic.

Maybe I am a cynic too then but I think you are just describing relationships in general. The reason the decent relationships in their 20's fizzled out was because they both wanted something different, whether that be travelling, more sex, more freedom etc. The 35 year old relationship you describe is when 2 people meet and both want exactly the same thing. I am not sure there is anything wrong with that. I don't subscribe to the "One"(tm)

either.

beks101 · 30-06-2014 11:24am

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Maybe I am a cynic too then but I think you are just describing relationships in general. The reason the decent relationships in their 20's fizzled out was because they both wanted something different, whether that be travelling, more sex, more freedom etc. The 35 year old relationship you describe is when 2 people meet and both want exactly the same thing. I am not sure there is anything wrong with that. I don't subscribe to the "One"(tm) either.

Yeah, I think in your thirties you'll have the benefit of experience and a greater sense of self-awareness, and thusly a lower tolerance to bullsh1t in relationships and differences that you may have overlooked in your twenties.

I went out with some eejits in my twenties (still in my twenties, but a bit 'wiser' and experienced at 29!

) I seriously overlooked so many personality incompatibilities because the guy was "hot" and I tolerated a lot of disrespectful behaviour because I fancied the guy and that was it, if it didn't work out it didn't work out and I'd deal with things as they came.

Having been through all of that, I'm aware of the affects that such behaviour can have on my self-esteem and aware of the fact that certain traits in a person / certain life goals WILL at some point become a deal breaker, so I'm no longer interested in wasting my time. AND it becomes a lot easier to spot those traits and behaviours in the opposite sex too.

So when I met my current partner, there was an instantaneous sense of "YES" because we were on the same page in ways that I hadn't been with other guys.

I'm sure the simple fact of biology plays a part too, but as someone who's not necessarily sure I want the marriage-and-babies in the first place, I feel that tendency to settle with someone is more to do with my own personal development and maturity rather than a sort of "you'll do" with the person who happens to be standing beside me.

keeponhurling · 30-06-2014 11:30am

LordNorbury wrote: »

as your man on Star Trek says, "engage!"...

I think I might know why you're single

ongarboy · 30-06-2014 5:31pm

bnt wrote: »

One thing that struck me recently was the huge gap between how relationships are often portrayed in movies & TV, versus reality. I've never expected it to be "just like the movies", but the movies aren't even close.
- there are no meet cutes, ever;
- no-one ever goes on blind dates;
- I've never been introduced to a potential partner by a friend or cow-orker who thought "you two might hit it off";
- I've never been hit on in the office - not even a look. I work in IT, so everywhere I've worked has been at least 90% men, with no women who would risk appearing to be single;
- if a woman is at the bar by herself, it means her (boy)friend is in the loo or will be there shortly;
- if you and a potential partner fight over something, it doesn't signal attraction, it just means you are incompatible.

I think I'd have to disagree with most of your points as well even though I respect that they are your experience. While real life is definitely not like the movies in the way the above situations are executed or pan out, I can certainly say from what I've experienced or witnessed:

A lot more people (particularly in their 30s/40s) are going on blind dates in Ireland. What impresses me is the way single guys and girls I know aren't shy or embarrassed about saying they went on them even if they turn out to be disasters. It's definitely no longer taboo or considered "weird" which is a good thing. Maybe you just don't know anyone who'll admit to going on them.

Single people are often invited to parties, dinners or strategically put together at weddings with the intention of the well meaning match maker to hook them up (even if there isn't a snowballs chance in hell it will happen). I and a lot of friends have been on the receiving end of this and I have been guilty of orchestrating one or two myself with zero success!!

Hit on in the office: Well, maybe the gender imbalance in your company is the reason but in a mixed ratio office, just go to a works night while the drink is flowing and you'lll see it happens.....a lot!

My partner and I very often are in disagreement but it makes the times we agree far more valued and the compromises a sign of respect. It no way affects our physical chemistry and the making up after fights is often the best part...:) We may not be perfectly compatible but our relationship is rock solid

I can't really comment on meet cute or the single woman at the bar.

Mr_Spaceman · 30-06-2014 6:01pm

Speaking as a single man - without any LTR history - on the wrong side of 40, I knew it was rather mistaken to open this thread, interesting though it is.

You can talk long about being free, untameable and all that pish but, ultimately, it's fcuking lonely. For example, I've done the travelling-the-world shizzle solo, I pursue my hobbies solo, my friends are all married, relationships, children, blah... so what now?

I'd love a girlfriend but it just seems to be an impossible quest, especially when you know you're not 21 with that feeling of invincibility any more.

And I say all this as someone who is usually fairly comfortable in my own company.

Even for the most independent and self-contained, the single life can be lonely, make no mistake.

route9 · 30-06-2014 8:46pm

Mr_Spaceman wrote: »

Speaking as a single man - without any LTR history - on the wrong side of 40, I knew it was rather mistaken to open this thread, interesting though it is.

You can talk long about being free, untameable and all that pish but, ultimately, it's fcuking lonely. For example, I've done the travelling-the-world shizzle solo, I pursue my hobbies solo, my friends are all married, relationships, children, blah... so what now?

I'd love a girlfriend but it just seems to be an impossible quest, especially when you know you're not 21 with that feeling of invincibility any more.

And I say all this as someone who is usually fairly comfortable in my own company.

Even for the most independent and self-contained, the single life can be lonely, make no mistake.

True. I'm early 30s now and it doesn't bother me being single, but I remember a time back in 2007 where I had been single for years and I actually remember feeling so unbelievably lonely (for female company). The only thing that was getting me through was the fact that I was chatting with a girl on a dating site and it seemed promising (we ended up going on a couple of dates but it went nowhere).

I would describe it as just a crushing feeling of loneliness - really just wanting some female company and the rest. Maybe it was just that particular point in time. Online dating wasn't as acceptable or as prevalent then either, and so that probably played into it too (the fact that was a bit frowned upon or whatever).

I've been chatting with a girl for the past month or so now and we've been on one date and planning the next one for this week. My issue has never been finding dates but finding someone I genuinely click with.

Mr_Spaceman · 30-06-2014 9:13pm

Another thing.

Now I'm not a bad-looking (well not knock out, but certainly decent for my age) sort of guy, but I suppose it depends how fussy a lot of ladies are - and my tiresome experiences of online dating suggests this is a major trend.

I'm finding out the hard way now that there comes a point when you ask yourself 'is this it?'. When your confidence, your drive, your motivation has been shot, you think there's not a great deal to offer here. I'd crave some lovely female company right now but it's just been so long.

Of course, it's a vicious circle. When you know you have a big heart, a real sense of fun, emotional intelligence and a lot of love to give someone, and it's wasting away, you do feel a bit crushed by the weight of it all.

Confidence is everything here. If you've got it, fantastic. If you haven't (or in my case it's ebbing away) you're fcuked. You can, I guess, regain it - but it's a long, hard road back to finding your mojo.

Single life as a guy...

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