Advice needed!

LegacyUser · 23-11-2014 8:59pm #1

Hi.

This has probably been done to death but I'd like some advice on the situation anyway.

Met a guy six weeks ago on a night out, got on well, met up once or twice a week since then and there's texting and calls during the week. We never had 'the talk' but then I've never had 'the talk' with anybody - in the past, things just evolved naturally into a relationship.

Today my friend stumbled across his profile on a dating site. He's single and looking for dates, apparently. He last logged in nine days ago (we were meeting up that night).

My last relationship lasted a long time and was with a really decent, honest man. I've been single for over a year. I have never used dating sites and don't know the etiquette but I don't like this. Maybe (no, probably) he'll have excuses and maybe a lot of people are following this American style of 'dating' several people nowadays and they think it's ok.

We had plans for a night early this week. Tickets are bought.

How would you handle this? Go and speak to him face to face? Ring and tell him it's off?

All opinions welcome!

Tokyo · 23-11-2014 9:39pm

I would assume that the "single and looking for dates" status is what he had when you first started talking to him. As of yet, neither of you have made any official commitments to each other, so I can understand why he hasn't changed it. And him logging into his account doesn't necessarily mean he's dating other people.

I don't see that he has done anything wrong. Go on the date as arranged. If you still want to see him after that, sit down somewhere and talk about where ye are at, and whether you both want this to move forward into something more. If you both do, great. If not, and you can't come to an agreement that you are both comfortable with, go your separate ways....

LegacyUser · 23-11-2014 10:50pm

Thanks.

Would this generally be considered not to be a big deal? Surely when he logged in he could have deactivated it for a while. We'd been seeing each other for five weeks by then. It's a bit embarrassing that it's public ... so public that my friend found it accidentally.

LLMMML · 24-11-2014 2:47pm

No it's not a big deal. Like the other poster said, logging in does not mean he is dating other women. It's also been 9 days since he logged in, so it's not like he's actively on the hunt.

I don't usually like to be this blunt when giving advice but you're coming across as quite high-maintenance, with exacting standards on how someone in the early stages of dating should behave. I know if someone cut contact with me because I'd looked at my dating profile 2 weeks ago when we had only known each other 2-3 weeks I'd be thinking I had a lucky escape.

JeffKenna · 24-11-2014 2:59pm

Op, to last log onto your dating profile 9 days ago means he is not actively using it. If he were logging in every day or every few hours then yes I could see why it might be a bit off putting as he would obviously be chatting to people. In your situation however I would actually see it as a major positive and a sign that his not actively chatting/dating other people.

tinz18 · 24-11-2014 4:02pm

Hi OP,
Think you're over-thinking this massively. I met my other half on an online site and up until we had had the chat of whether or not we were together as a couple we didn't change our profiles. Tbh I'm pretty sure he never thought to cancel his profile and its probably still up there.

If you are so concerned you need to sit down with him and figure out where you stand. I'm seeing it too much these days that the girl expects the guy to be exclusively dating her when she's never said it to him and vice versa. It used to be a given but things have changed- now there has to be a "talk" to figure out if you're exclusive or not until then there's a limbo where one side might be exclusive and the other dating other people.

It was the major decider in being with my OH was his statement that if we ended up dating there was to be no one else on either side. It was great- we never had the talk because we both knew where we stood from the get go and I really dislike the limbo.

LegacyUser · 24-11-2014 6:33pm

Thanks for the responses. I'm not high-maintenance, this is just something new and strange to me so I wanted other perspectives on it. He logged in again today. I can't be bothered trying to figure this stuff out as I have other things to be dealing with so I'll probably just call it a day.

Pinkmoon19 · 25-11-2014 5:55pm

Hi OP,

I met someone recently on a dating site and I didn't delete my account on that dating site for over 2 months.

If he hasn't logged in for 9 days that's a really good sign, normally someone who is active would be logging in at least once a day so that would suggest he hasn't been on any other dates for at least 2 weeks.

If it's really bothering you bring it up and maybe have the chat, but be clear on what you want going into that conversation.

LegacyUser · 25-11-2014 7:15pm

Thanks, but as I said, he logged in again yesterday.

We've now been seeing each other for seven weeks.

It doesn't seem that great to me.

Tokyo · 25-11-2014 8:49pm

OP again wrote: »

Thanks, but as I said, he logged in again yesterday.

We've now been seeing each other for seven weeks.

It doesn't seem that great to me.

The fact that you are checking to see if he logged in means that you are probably showing up on his end as having logged in too - how do you know he isn't doing the same, or doesn't have the same concerns?

Fact is, you are beating yourself up here imagining all sorts of scenarios, when really the only thing that's going to put your mind at ease is having a chat with him about it. If you've been seeing each other for seven weeks, that's long enough to sit down over a coffee to ask him where he sees things going between you two, and taking it from there...

December2012 · 25-11-2014 8:54pm

I think it's saying something that the fact that "you've plenty of other things to be dealing with" means you'ld rather kill what was a promising something because you won't have a potentially upsetting conversation.

At least ask him about it before it's over. You could be making a defensive mountain out of a molehill.

JeffKenna · 25-11-2014 11:59pm

OP again wrote: »

Thanks for the responses. I'm not high-maintenance, this is just something new and strange to me so I wanted other perspectives on it. He logged in again today. I can't be bothered trying to figure this stuff out as I have other things to be dealing with so I'll probably just call it a day.

I think what stands out here is your statement that you can't be bothered trying to figure this stuff out. In reality it's a simple conversation to have and any potential/fledgling relationship will have some issue at some stage that will need to be discussed. If you take this attitude with every relationship then you'll find it very difficult to develop anything long term/meaningful.

LegacyUser · 30-11-2014 4:06am

mike_ie wrote: »

The fact that you are checking to see if he logged in means that you are probably showing up on his end as having logged in too - how do you know he isn't doing the same, or doesn't have the same concerns?

Fact is, you are beating yourself up here imagining all sorts of scenarios, when really the only thing that's going to put your mind at ease is having a chat with him about it. If you've been seeing each other for seven weeks, that's long enough to sit down over a coffee to ask him where he sees things going between you two, and taking it from there...

The reason I know he's not doing the same thing or having the same concerns is because I don't have a profile. I met him in real life. I don't do online dating. It's easy to see somebody's profile without having an account.

We talked about it last week. He said he logged in accidentally but isn't actively dating, and now he logs in every day. Lol. Riddle me that one.

LegacyUser · 30-11-2014 7:38pm

I'm still waiting for a post from lastnight to be approved so maybe it has got lost. I'll try again.

I'm still confused about this.

We had a chat and he said he logged in by accident. He has logged in (by accident?) every day since then.

Do the good people of Relationship Issues still think I am being high-maintenance by being concerned about this? I'd really like to know. I've been having a good time with this person but I can't help finding the whole dating site thing off-putting.

Mike_ie asked how I know he's not wondering the same about me if he sees me logging in to the site. As I said, I've never done internet dating and I don't have an account, hence my questions so far. It's easy to see a public profile without logging in.

Thoughts?

blacklilly · 30-11-2014 11:49pm

OP again wrote: »

I'm still waiting for a post from lastnight to be approved so maybe it has got lost. I'll try again.

I'm still confused about this.

We had a chat and he said he logged in by accident. He has logged in (by accident?) every day since then.

Do the good people of Relationship Issues still think I am being high-maintenance by being concerned about this? I'd really like to know. I've been having a good time with this person but I can't help finding the whole dating site thing off-putting.

Mike_ie asked how I know he's not wondering the same about me if he sees me logging in to the site. As I said, I've never done internet dating and I don't have an account, hence my questions so far. It's easy to see a public profile without logging in.

Thoughts?

OP, as someone who has much experience with the world of online dating my only advice to you is to lay your cards on the table to him, be upfront and request the same from him. It's near impossible for you to analysis his reasons for logging in since he has being seeing you.

More and more people are dating more han one person at a time and if this is something you're not comfortable with, then more reason to ask what exactly is he looking for.

LegacyUser · 01-12-2014 12:20am

Ok OP this may be harsh, but I think you seem to view online dating as something almost shameful.
It's embarrassing for you that the person you're (at this point casually) dating has a profile on a dating site.
You mention that its embarrassing that your friend found it. It seems to me that this embarrasement and borderline disgust that he might have had options other than you when you first started dating is more a reflection of your own insecurities than anything he's done wrong tbh. You'd also rather end things than have an honest discussion about where your relationship is at, again that just seems like you'd rather throw away a potentially good relationship than face the chance of embarrassment that he may not be on the same page.

You've been out of the dating game a long time it would seem OP, but sorry things have moved on. You've seen this guy what ten maybe 12 times in total. That's nothing in the grand scheme of things. Certainly not enough time for him to delete his dating profile.

I met my bf online OP. I believe it was 5 months before we deleted our accounts. We weren't dating other people, but also, we didn't delete the accounts until we'd had the officially not seeing others bf/gf chat. He'd also come up as being online while we were about a month into dating, turns out he'd logged in to tell a girl he'd been chatting to that he was seeing me and wasn't interested in going on a date with her.

A lot of those dating sites have apps so when you get a message and click on the notification it logs you in. Just because he's online doesn't necessarily mean he's actually chatting/meeting other women.

You just seem unreasonably threatened by the online dating thing OP. I mean if he didn't have a dating profile who's to say he wasn't going on multiple dates with other women he'd met in a nightclub or whatever instead? You can see him logging in online, but again if he didnt have a dating profie in real life, he could be chatting up women every time he goes out.

I think you really need to ask yourself why you're so defensive about this. Why you feel so threatened?
Look its very early days OP, yeah he could be chatting up women and multiple dating, but he could be doing that even if he wasn't online dating. Equally there could be a perfectly innocent explanation.

Surely a ten minute conversation with him about where you are in the relationship is worth more than throwing away a potential great relationship because you're afraid of being left red faced or of what your friends will think?

You'll find it very difficult to find someone if you're not willing to risk a little vulnerability and hurt now and again.

njs030 · 01-12-2014 12:54am

You've only been dating him for a very short time without ever having a conversation about being exclusive so I think you need to take a breath and relax.

It's a pretty big over-reaction to be talking about ending it when he hasn't done anything wrong as such. You haven't told him that you want exclusivity have you?

The best thing to do is to tell him you'd like to make it official or exclusive or whatever. If he agrees then ask him to delete his profile.

Though just so you know on at least one site it sometimes shows users logged in when they aren't. Something to do with the connection being always live.

Have the talk before jumping to conclusions.

LegacyUser · 01-12-2014 12:59am

I did ask him and he said he's not chatting to people or arranging dates. He told me what he does on each night of the week by way of 'proof'. It's weird. He clearly doesn't care what kind of impression his activity is making on me anyway. I must say I'm finding all this educational if nothing else. I think he's a bit too strange for me (but feel free to think I'm the strange one).

CaraMay · 01-12-2014 5:18am

It sounds like waffle to me that he is logging in each day 'by accident'... I don't know how that would be possible tbh

Penny Tration · 01-12-2014 7:14am

Neither of you have agreed to be exclusive, so why shouldn't he be checking the site?

LegacyUser · 23-06-2015 3:23am

Hi, OP here again.

I had to laugh at the post accusing me of viewing online dating as 'almost shameful.' I don't think that at all. It's fine for single people. A great old resource, actually. What I was embarrassed about was my friend seeing yer man active on the site while he was with me.

Anyway, I had a chat with him back then, gave him the benefit of the doubt, we've been going out since then, and guess what? He's back on the site tonight with a few years shaved off his age.

Lol.

Moral: Trust your intuition.

_Whimsical_ · 24-06-2015 12:50am

I agree OP, trust your intuition. If months later you were still keeping tabs on his dating site presence you didn't trust him anyway, he wasn't the guy for you.

LegacyUser · 24-06-2015 1:08am

I will probably get the head eaten off me for this but I don't think you're overreacting. Basically two months of seeing each other and he's still active on a dating site?I personally don't think that is normal especially if things are going good between you both. Speaking from personal experience, how people act at the start of a relationship speaks mountains how they will act throughout it. I'm not saying your situation will end the same way as mine did (broken heart,lies and Internet dating behind my back) but if you want to give it a go with him I highly suggest you clear everything up before entering an exclusive relationship so there is no crossed wires. Communication is key

LegacyUser · 24-06-2015 11:14pm

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

I agree OP, trust your intuition. If months later you were still keeping tabs on his dating site presence you didn't trust him anyway, he wasn't the guy for you.

Well he's shown that I would have been an eejit to trust him, hasn't he? I'm glad now that my friend found the dating profile so early on, so I could make sure to just treat it all as a bit of fun.

If I had actually fallen for the fecker I'd be furious, but as it is, I'm not surprised.

Meauldsegosha · 25-06-2015 8:29pm

It's the OP wrote: »

Well he's shown that I would have been an eejit to trust him, hasn't he? I'm glad now that my friend found the dating profile so early on, so I could make sure to just treat it all as a bit of fun.

If I had actually fallen for the fecker I'd be furious, but as it is, I'm not surprised.

Maybe he went back on the dating site because you weren't fully committed to the relationship. You were together 8 months but didn't fall for him. Why bother being with him then?

Keane2baMused · 25-06-2015 8:40pm

OP from the outset you haven't seemed particularly bothered whether you stay with this bloke or not and have sounded quite dramatic about the whole thing tbh. I'm not so sure you should be overly surprised...

Advice needed!

Comments