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Would you be more sad if your child was a bully or was being bullied?

  • 25-02-2012 1:06pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 5,491 ✭✭✭bb1234567


    I'm not really sure, I'd feel really sad and disappointed that my child would bully another child and make their life miserable but I'd also be very sad if my child was being bullied. 50/50 for me anyway.


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Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 27,944 ✭✭✭✭ Javion Wide Puffin


    The latter but I'd be furious if I had a bully for a kid.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 18,163 ✭✭✭✭Liam Byrne


    Sad if they were being bullied.

    Disgusted and fuming if they were a bully.


  • Registered Users Posts: 44,080 ✭✭✭✭Micky Dolenz


    As long as they were happy.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 34,568 ✭✭✭✭Biggins


    Sad that they were bullied (and angry).
    I would also be VERY angry if I found out one of my own was doing the bullying. VERY!


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,207 ✭✭✭The King of Moo


    I'd be more sad if they were a bully. Being bullied doesn't necessarily reflect badly on the person being bullied: it can happen to almost anyone, and bullying can be sorted out and ended.

    But I wouldn't like it if I thought my child was arrogant, boorish and maybe cowardly and treated others badly.
    Obviously there are different reasons people become bullies, but I'd be worried that my kid just had the personality for it and was basically just an arrogant prick.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 17,247 ✭✭✭✭6th


    Ashamed that they let themselves be bullying.

    Proud that they are a natural leader.

    I am a bad parent.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11,583 ✭✭✭✭TheZohanS


    Survival of the fittest, innit.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,239 ✭✭✭KittyeeTrix


    I would prefer if they were the bully as it is not possible to control the action of other peoples kids but with my own I'd imagine they'd be a bully only for about 5 mins after I'd been informed................. No more bully from then on in if ya understand me!!!!:mad:


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 27,252 ✭✭✭✭stovelid


    Heartbroken if my child was bullied; angry if they were bullying other kids.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 237 ✭✭Old Tom


    bb1234567 wrote: »
    I'm not really sure, I'd feel really sad and disappointed that my child would bully another child and make their life miserable but I'd also be very sad if my child was being bullied. 50/50 for me anyway.
    Which eye would you prefer to lose - left or right? I'm actually quite attached to both of them, so 50/50 for me.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 3,854 ✭✭✭Sinfonia


    I would prefer if they were the bully as it is not possible to control the action of other peoples kids but with my own I'd imagine they'd be a bully only for about 5 mins after I'd been informed................. No more bully from then on in if ya understand me!!!!:mad:

    I agree, if your child is a bully at least you can exercise some control and try to teach them not to bully other people and help them understand why it's wrong. You can't teach them to not be bullied really. You also can't really get involved with the bully if it's not your kid unless you talk to his/her parents and his/her parents might not give a ****.

    So I guess I'd rather my child was a bully, with the caveat that I'd be able to change their behaviour.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,674 ✭✭✭Peetrik


    The latter but I'd be furious if I had a bully for a kid.

    Would you make him cry to teach him not to be such a spa?


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,386 ✭✭✭Killer Wench


    Depends.

    The bullying of today ain't like it was when I was growing up.

    I was a bully but only to males. Mostly my own cousins, but a few little boys who I used to play with. They never objected. I think the only time they may have cried was when they got struck by a toy on accident. By me. But, I got in trouble for that. Otherwise, they all pretty much adapted to it and our parents let it go because it pretty much is a part of life. There will be natural leaders, natural followers, natural outsiders, and natural instigators. If my kid was the bully in one of these more natural engagements, I wouldn't bothered.

    However, if my kid was participating in the online stalking, hallway intimidation, and constant harassment of another student, then there computer would be taken away. They would be removed from school and they would probably have to work their butt off to earn back my respect and trust. If my kid was the subject of such bullying, someone's parents are going to get a knock at their door.


  • Registered Users Posts: 958 ✭✭✭Conchir


    Bully, without a shadow of a doubt.

    Having been bullied for a (short) time in primary school, I know that if a child is being bullied it is not their fault. I would much prefer that any children I have in the future would have the bravery to tell someone they're being bullied, than to find out that they were bullying someone themselves. I would be proud if they mustered up the courage to tell me they were being bullied, and ashamed if they were a bully themselves.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,167 ✭✭✭gsxr1


    I would be very sad in both respects.

    I guess im lucky that no one messes with my kid. He has a very short fuse due to ADHD. Temper trip switch. But has a fair amount of friends who put up with it.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 830 ✭✭✭Born to Die


    I would be sad that my kids were either. They have been taught respect and being able to stand up for themselves.

    Saying that they are imaginary so they are capable of anything including flight.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 923 ✭✭✭Johnny Foreigner


    bb1234567 wrote: »
    I'm not really sure, I'd feel really sad and disappointed that my child would bully another child and make their life miserable but I'd also be very sad if my child was being bullied. 50/50 for me anyway.

    I was both bullied at school, and a bully.
    There was an ingrained culture of bullying at my school right from the teachers down to the pupils.
    Bullying was seen as a way of toughening children up, and admired by the teachers as natural leadership and strength of character.
    I was taught to fight back by my father, and when I was bullied I did so myself.
    I then in turn became a bully, and learned about racketeering and intimidation.
    Little did I know that later in life these skills would serve me well.
    Whether you like it or not, many bullies in life go on to be successful leaders.
    There are some positions in life where one needs to take control and lead.
    I would not have a problem with my child being bully. I would rather that to them being bullied.
    I was always taught to stand up for myself and fight back. It has served me well in life.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 709 ✭✭✭Robdude


    I'm not saying bullying is a good thing; it isn't. But there are some underlying traits you find in bullies and in those who get bullied.

    I'd much rather have a bully for a son than someone who is getting bullied.

    Anyone can get into a fight and lose. I'm not talking about that. But when someone is continuously bullied without taking action, that is a reflection on them as well.

    The bully, even though I don't support his actions, he has a lot of positive traits he's just not using appropriately. He might be bigger/stronger than other kids. He might be a natural leader. He might have a stronger personality. Those can all be good, positive things, that lead to a life-long success.

    The kid being bullied, well, I'm not saying they are doomed to failure; but the traits they are exhibiting aren't good ones.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,743 ✭✭✭blatantrereg


    Robdude wrote: »
    I'm not saying bullying is a good thing; it isn't. But there are some underlying traits you find in bullies and in those who get bullied.

    I'd much rather have a bully for a son than someone who is getting bullied.

    Anyone can get into a fight and lose. I'm not talking about that. But when someone is continuously bullied without taking action, that is a reflection on them as well.

    The bully, even though I don't support his actions, he has a lot of positive traits he's just not using appropriately. He might be bigger/stronger than other kids. He might be a natural leader. He might have a stronger personality. Those can all be good, positive things, that lead to a life-long success.

    The kid being bullied, well, I'm not saying they are doomed to failure; but the traits they are exhibiting aren't good ones.
    Blame the victim! Might is right!

    Your definition of success is flawed.

    Bullying is disgusting tbh. I would be quite upset if I had a kid whom I was disgusted by.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 709 ✭✭✭Robdude


    Blame the victim! Might is right!

    Your definition of success is flawed.

    Bullying is disgusting tbh. I would be quite upset if I had a kid whom I was disgusted by.

    You are misunderstanding me. I said I *do not* support bullying. If my child were a bully, I would be upset. I would talk to him/her and explain why it is not acceptable.

    I'm saying I would *prefer* that over having a child who is bullied.

    There is nothing about being a victim that absolves someone from their actions. If I'm robbed while selling crack, does the fact that I'm a victim absolve me from my actions as a criminal? It's entirely possible to be both a victim *AND* at fault.

    I've never actually heard a solid, rational, argument for why we shouldn't blame a victim in situations where it is reasonable to do so....I've only heard people proclaim it as if it were a universal truth.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 709 ✭✭✭Robdude


    I was both bullied at school, and a bully.
    There was an ingrained culture of bullying at my school right from the teachers down to the pupils.
    Bullying was seen as a way of toughening children up, and admired by the teachers as natural leadership and strength of character.
    I was taught to fight back by my father, and when I was bullied I did so myself.
    I then in turn became a bully, and learned about racketeering and intimidation.
    Little did I know that later in life these skills would serve me well.
    Whether you like it or not, many bullies in life go on to be successful leaders.
    There are some positions in life where one needs to take control and lead.
    I would not have a problem with my child being bully. I would rather that to them being bullied.
    I was always taught to stand up for myself and fight back. It has served me well in life.

    Exactly what I was trying to say. Excellent post.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,743 ✭✭✭blatantrereg


    Robdude wrote: »
    You are misunderstanding me. I said I *do not* support bullying. If my child were a bully, I would be upset. I would talk to him/her and explain why it is not acceptable.

    I'm saying I would *prefer* that over having a child who is bullied.

    There is nothing about being a victim that absolves someone from their actions. If I'm robbed while selling crack, does the fact that I'm a victim absolve me from my actions as a criminal? It's entirely possible to be both a victim *AND* at fault.

    I've never actually heard a solid, rational, argument for why we shouldn't blame a victim in situations where it is reasonable to do so....I've only heard people proclaim it as if it were a universal truth.
    But you are suggesting that in general the victim is at fault.
    You'd be upset if your 8 year old wasn't macho enough eh?
    With an adult, allowing yourself to be violated is to be complicit in that wrong. This can be true in some cases.
    With a child, they're not that sophisticated yet. It's more about their basic natures. If my kid was too gentle to hit someone hard enough for them to go away, I would not think badly of them. If my kid liked to torment the kids who were too weak or gentle to stop him, that would be a dreadful thing for me.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 709 ✭✭✭Robdude


    But you are suggesting that in general the victim is at fault.
    You'd be upset if your 8 year old wasn't macho enough eh?
    With an adult, allowing yourself to be violated is to be complicit in that wrong. This can be true in some cases.
    With a child, they're not that sophisticated yet. It's more about their basic natures. If my kid was too gentle to hit someone hard enough for them to go away, I would not feel badly of them. If my kid liked to torment the kids who were too weak or gentle to stop him, that would be a dreadful thing for me.

    No, I don't think that the victim is ALWAYS at fault. I believe the victim *CAN* be at fault. In either case, I agree that the bully is ALWAYS at fault. My objection is less about fault and more about the underlying traits the child's actions are reflecting.

    Bullies tend to pick on children that are smaller and weaker than themselves. That often means younger children. It's ridiculous to think a child who happens to be less physically strong than another child has done something wrong. That's beyond their control. Every child begins very small and weak.

    Same with adults. Not everyone is a 6'4" 115kg professional boxer. Being physically weaker than someone is not something to be ashamed of. Losing an unfair fight or being the victim of a crime doesn't mean you are weak or deserve any blame for it.

    However, if you KEEP doing STUPID STUFF; then you do deserve blame for that.

    Here's an example - my kid is walking home from school eating a candy bar and a bigger kid comes up from behind, pushes him to the ground, and steals his bag of candy....that makes my child a *blameless victim*.

    Presumably, he or she would have the good sense to take some action to prevent it from happening again. Whether it be grouping up with other kids, or telling me or the teachers, whatever. If my kid takes an action to prevent the same thing from happening again; I'd be proud and, most importantly, he wouldn't CONTINUE to be bullied. It would be an isolated incident.

    If my kid were to DO NOTHING and accept that bigger people are going to be able to take his stuff from him, and he's okay with it....THEN, he begins to share blame.

    And that willingness to accept being a victim is a reflection of traits that are generally considered less-than-desirable in our society.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,743 ✭✭✭blatantrereg


    Robdude wrote: »
    No, I don't think that the victim is ALWAYS at fault. I believe the victim *CAN* be at fault. In either case, I agree that the bully is ALWAYS at fault. My objection is less about fault and more about the underlying traits the child's actions are reflecting.

    Bullies tend to pick on children that are smaller and weaker than themselves. That often means younger children. It's ridiculous to think a child who happens to be less physically strong than another child has done something wrong. That's beyond their control. Every child begins very small and weak.

    Same with adults. Not everyone is a 6'4" 115kg professional boxer. Being physically weaker than someone is not something to be ashamed of. Losing an unfair fight or being the victim of a crime doesn't mean you are weak or deserve any blame for it.

    However, if you KEEP doing STUPID STUFF; then you do deserve blame for that.

    Here's an example - my kid is walking home from school eating a candy bar and a bigger kid comes up from behind, pushes him to the ground, and steals his bag of candy....that makes my child a *blameless victim*.

    Presumably, he or she would have the good sense to take some action to prevent it from happening again. Whether it be grouping up with other kids, or telling me or the teachers, whatever. If my kid takes an action to prevent the same thing from happening again; I'd be proud and, most importantly, he wouldn't CONTINUE to be bullied. It would be an isolated incident.

    If my kid were to DO NOTHING and accept that bigger people are going to be able to take his stuff from him, and he's okay with it....THEN, he begins to share blame.

    And that willingness to accept being a victim is a reflection of traits that are generally considered less-than-desirable in our society.
    What if he tells the teacher, but the teacher blames him, or dismisses what he says? This is common enough - they just dont want the hassle. Or what if the action he takes to change things ends up making things worse? Like if he told his parents and they blamed him for it, or thought less of him. He's a child. He doesn't have a highly developed idea of how things work yet. He learns from what he experiences.

    Vocal responses tend to be the strongest defences against most forms of victimisation - especially when you become an adult. Believe me if you're a 6'4 professional boxer, you risk making things a hell of a lot worse for yourself if you use your physical attributes to defend yourself. Especially if your verbal/social skills are not so well developed.

    Your sort of attitude would encourage a child to keep quiet about the bullying, rather than to take appropriate action about it. It is likely to cause the very behaviour that you criticise.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,075 ✭✭✭Wattle


    I was both bullied at school, and a bully.
    There was an ingrained culture of bullying at my school right from the teachers down to the pupils.
    Bullying was seen as a way of toughening children up, and admired by the teachers as natural leadership and strength of character.
    I was taught to fight back by my father, and when I was bullied I did so myself.
    I then in turn became a bully, and learned about racketeering and intimidation.
    Little did I know that later in life these skills would serve me well.
    Whether you like it or not, many bullies in life go on to be successful leaders.
    There are some positions in life where one needs to take control and lead.
    I would not have a problem with my child being bully.

    If you met the parents of the child that your son or daughter is bullying would you say this to their face?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 678 ✭✭✭ihsb


    Deffo if they were the bullier... I would wonder what had went wrong in bringing them up!


  • Registered Users Posts: 44,080 ✭✭✭✭Micky Dolenz


    ihsb wrote: »
    Deffo if they were the bullier... I would wonder what had went wrong in bringing them up!


    It may be something as simple as peer pressure and no reflection on upbringing.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,882 ✭✭✭granturismo


    I am sick and tired of my children having had the following drummed into them in creche and primary school - if another child hits you, do not hit back, tell your teacher what happened.

    I just want them to stand up for themselves and defend and if necessary hit back.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,743 ✭✭✭blatantrereg


    I am sick and tired of my children having had the following drummed into them in creche and primary school - if another child hits you, do not hit back, tell your teacher what happened.

    I just want them to stand up for themselves and defend and if necessary hit back.


    What happens when the person they hit back tells the teacher?
    What happens when the same pattern occurs in adulthood?
    Perhaps suggest they make damn sure everybody knows who hit first.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,075 ✭✭✭Wattle


    Many of the people I knew who were bullies in childhood grew up to be really sad people. They tried their bullying thing in adult life and found out it didn't work anymore.


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