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23-05-2015, 11:05   #7411
Hagar7
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What gets longer when pulled...............

Fits between your boobs..............

Inserts neatly in a hole, and

Works best when jerked..................... ???

A SEAT BELT you perverts.!!!
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23-05-2015, 11:08   #7412
Hagar7
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The Pastor's Donkey

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered in another race and it won again. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in any more races. The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline:
NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for €10. The next day the headlines read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR €10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the high plains where it could run free.

The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

Alas ... The Bishop was buried the next day.
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23-05-2015, 22:02   #7413
Mulumpy
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Yo' Mama so fat, when she walked past the TV i missed three episodes
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Yesterday, 00:46   #7414
Capt'n Midnight
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Yo mama's so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
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Yesterday, 11:01   #7415
Hagar7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Capt'n Midnight View Post
Yo mama's so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
Boomerang you say,eh?
Did anyone ever tell you that I'm the toughest guy in Glasgow.....when I threw my boomerang up in the air it was so scared of me it never came back.
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Yesterday, 11:20   #7416
blade1
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hagar7 View Post
Boomerang you say,eh?
Did anyone ever tell you that I'm the toughest guy in Glasgow.....when I threw my boomerang up in the air it was so scared of me it never came back.
What do you call a Boomerang that doesn't come back?



A stick!
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Yesterday, 22:34   #7417
dinneenp
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hotblack Desiato View Post
2 men were arrested, one for stealing batteries and swallowing them, the other for stealing fireworks and shoving them up his @rse

The first was charged, the second was let off
2 knackers/southerners/insert minority groups you wish were walking fine a road. A car ploughed into them, I've sent through the windscreen, the other flew into a ditch.
In court one was fine for break and entry, the other for leaving the scene of the crime.
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Yesterday, 22:35   #7418
murpho999
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Dwarves and Midgets.

They have very little in common.
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Yesterday, 22:40   #7419
dolanbaker
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dinneenp View Post
2 knackers/southerners/insert minority groups you wish were walking fine a road. A car ploughed into them, I've sent through the windscreen, the other flew into a ditch.
In court one was fine for break and entry, the other for leaving the scene of the crime.
Google translate fail.
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Today, 01:39   #7420
ken
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A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for
the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish
wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget
all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never
lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you
up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that
hold! If he does, you're finished.'

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgement. As the match
started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other
several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the
Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping
him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of
disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried
his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He
couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a
cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just
in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His
back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on
top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler
alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No
one has ever done it before!'

The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he
got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my
eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my
face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of
strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just
as hard as I could.'

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'

'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite
your own nuts.
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