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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • #2222
    admiralofthefleet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 15,515 ✭✭✭✭admiralofthefleet


    I was trying to pick up birds using just the line "titanic"...



    It didn't really break the ice


  • #2223
    Gillington
    Registered Users Posts: 3,555 ✭✭✭Gillington


    Why is there no painkillers in the jungle?

    Because the parrotseatemall


  • #2224
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,665 ✭✭✭Worztron


    How can you tell that ET is a Protestant?

    Because he looks like one.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #2225
    Tauriel
    Registered Users Posts: 30,338 ✭✭✭✭Tauriel


    I was standing in the park the other day wondering why a frisbee appears to be larger the closer it gets....

    Then it hit me


  • #2226
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,665 ✭✭✭Worztron


    What do you call a Japanese car thief?

    Tommy Tukamota.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



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  • #2227
    chucknorris
    Registered Users Posts: 1,633 ✭✭✭chucknorris


    A London dwarf was thinking about looting a butchers, but the steaks were too high!!!!


  • #2228
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,665 ✭✭✭Worztron


    What do you call an Egyptian Cloakroom attendant?

    Mahat Macoat.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #2229
    Booms
    Registered Users Posts: 339 ✭✭Booms


    Went shopping yesterday for a Where's Wally? book.
    Couldn't find it anywhere.


  • #2230
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,665 ✭✭✭Worztron


    What happened when Brutus went to Mount Olive?

    Popeye beat the crap out of him.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #2231
    mikeyboy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 196 ✭✭mikeyboy


    I got stuck sitting behind some chav teenagers on the bus today. For the whole twenty minute journey, it was "F this", and "F that". Still, I guess they had to compare their exam results sometime.


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  • #2232
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,665 ✭✭✭Worztron


    What is the smallest hotel in the world?

    A womans gearbox because you have to leave your bags outside.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #2233
    KK4SAM
    Registered Users Posts: 735 ✭✭✭KK4SAM


    What did the the horse say to the Jockey with one leg ?
    How are ya getting on ?


  • #2234
    Stephen P
    Registered Users Posts: 1,891 ✭✭✭Stephen P


    I've got a friend who's got a butler with a missing left arm.

    Serves him right.


  • #2235
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    I got sacked as a tour guide in Vatican City.

    As I was talking about the pope, we turned a corner and I said, "Ah, speak of the devil."


  • #2236
    KK4SAM
    Registered Users Posts: 735 ✭✭✭KK4SAM


    Who is the most unpopular supporter of Borussia Mönchengladbach

    The fan who say's "GIVE US A "B"!!!!!!!!!!!"


  • #2237
    Chips Ahoy
    Registered Users Posts: 225 ✭✭Chips Ahoy


    i made this one up my self and am pretty proud of it.

    A man says to a doctor "doctor please remove my spine its holding me back"

    hahaha:o


  • #2238
    marcsignal
    Registered Users Posts: 4,072 ✭✭✭marcsignal


    "Doctor! I can't feel my legs!!"

    "Yes I'm sorry, we had to amputate your arms..."


  • #2239
    chucknorris
    Registered Users Posts: 1,633 ✭✭✭chucknorris


    (Q) What is worse than a cardboard box?

    (A) Paper tits!


  • #2240
    Sunnyisland
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,562 ✭✭✭✭Sunnyisland


    I keep telling my girlfriend to stop turning her head when I cum at the end of oral sex, but does she listen?



    No






    Just goes in one ear and out the other!!


  • #2241
    KK4SAM
    Registered Users Posts: 735 ✭✭✭KK4SAM


    A bear goes into a pub and asks for a Bacardi and.............................................................................Diet coke.
    The barman says whats the big pause for ?


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  • #2242
    admiralofthefleet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 15,515 ✭✭✭✭admiralofthefleet


    The shark attack victim was recently laid to rest. It was mentioned in the service that he didn't suffer too much...
    ...he'd only been married 11-days.


  • #2243
    simplybam
    Registered Users Posts: 214 ✭✭simplybam


    What did the slug say to the snail?
    Big issue?


  • #2244
    MitchKoobski
    Registered Users Posts: 6,101 ✭✭✭MitchKoobski


    What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?

    You stop milking a cow after 10 years.


  • #2245
    Thomas828
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,492 ✭✭✭Thomas828


    News: USA: Delegates from the American Society for the Colour Blind arrived in Washington D.C. demanding clearer road signs for colour-blind motorists. They delivered their petition to the Yellow House.


  • #2246
    Poor Uncle Tom
    Registered Users Posts: 14,544 ✭✭✭✭Poor Uncle Tom


    Who ate all the rice, hungry bas**rd.


  • #2247
    Tauriel
    Registered Users Posts: 30,338 ✭✭✭✭Tauriel


    Whats the difference between a hedgehog and a person that drives a Mercedes?

    With the Mercedes the prick is on the inside


  • #2248
    CreepingDeath
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,016 ✭✭✭CreepingDeath


    If a long condom goes on a long prick and a short condom goes on a short prick, what would you put on a thick prick?
    A Man United jersey


  • #2249
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,665 ✭✭✭Worztron


    What do you call a Russian with 3 balls?

    Hoojanika Bollikov.

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • #2250
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,684 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    How many crystal palace fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Just one, the hard part is finding one.





    Ugh, you offer someone a sincere compliment on their moustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.


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  • #2251
    Cork boy 55
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,324 ✭✭✭Cork boy 55


    Why are their no gays in poland?


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