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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 32,871 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    John_Rambo wrote: »
    What do you call a goat in Benidorm?

    Pedro?

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



  • Registered Users Posts: 819 ✭✭✭Denny61


    Whats better than two nails in a bed ""? A good screw !


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,474 ✭✭✭John_Rambo


    Pedro?

    Billy Holiday.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Do Transformers have car insurance or life insurance ?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 2,205 ✭✭✭MOR316


    Always knock before you open a fridge door.
    Just incase there's a salad dressing


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  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Checking in for a flight and got asked “Window or aisle?”

    I said, “Window or you’ll do what?”

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Someone ran off with my wallet the other day and I chased after them.

    They certainly gave me a run for my money.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 3,900 ✭✭✭trashcan


    Who is the nicest man in the hospital ?

    The ultrasound guy !

    ( it's an oldie I know. )


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,938 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    trashcan wrote: »
    Who is the nicest man in the hospital ?

    The ultrasound guy !

    ( it's an oldie I know. )

    And when he’s on holidays it’s the hip replacement guy.


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,474 ✭✭✭John_Rambo


    What do you call a goat in a train station?


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  • Registered Users Posts: 7,938 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    John_Rambo wrote: »
    What do you call a goat in a train station?

    Well I know he has no idea how he goat there.


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,474 ✭✭✭John_Rambo


    John_Rambo wrote: »
    What do you call a goat in a train station?

    Billy Connolly


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,938 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    John_Rambo wrote: »
    Billy Connolly

    If a goat is unemployed he’s Billy Idle.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 22,651 ✭✭✭✭beauf


    joeguevara wrote: »
    And when he’s on holidays it’s the hip replacement guy.

    Its who is the trendiest doctor at the hospital.

    The new hip guy.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 22,651 ✭✭✭✭beauf


    Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
    It was an ether/oar situation


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 22,651 ✭✭✭✭beauf


    My Wife Says I Only Have Two Faults I Don't Listen And Something Else


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Yorkshire chap asks a goldsmith to make a statue of his dog.

    Goldsmith asks “Eighteen Carrat?”. He replies, “Nay, chewing a bone”.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,938 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    I have the eye of the Tiger and the Heart of a Lion.

    And a lifetime ban from the Zoo.


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,203 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    The inventor of AutoCorrect is going straight to Hull.


  • Registered Users Posts: 10,177 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    "Doctor, is it normal for one of my testicles to be bigger than the other two "

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



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  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The worst pub I've ever been in was called the Fiddle.

    It was a vile inn!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 2,205 ✭✭✭MOR316


    Just discovered that sex is illegal in Iceland.

    Will see what the rules are in Tesco


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    While Alan Turing was busy breaking codes his sister, Kay was taking care of coffee, cakes and sandwiches

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Everyone at John Lennon international airport has been quarantined.

    Imagine....all the people.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 1,403 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand the binary system, and those that don't.


  • Registered Users Posts: 18,129 ✭✭✭✭gormdubhgorm


    Everyone at John Lennon international airport has been quarantined.

    Imagine....all the people.

    Help!

    Guff about stuff, and stuff about guff.



  • Registered Users Posts: 7,938 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    Help!

    Unfortunately this happened Yesterday. It started with people not social distancing saying I want to hold your hand. People are being urged not to come together. If displaying symptoms, the government is asking them to stay in the Yellow Quarantine.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I love Ebay....I sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Registered Users Posts: 3,900 ✭✭✭trashcan


    Papyrus and comic sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, I'm sorry, we don't serve your type in here.

    The past, present and future walked into a bar, it was tense.

    A dyslexic walks into a bra.

    A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, sees the writing on the wall, but hopes to nip it in the bud.

    At the end of the day, a cliche walks into a bar.

    The subjective would have walked into a bar, if only it had known.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 8,253 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just seen Elvis in B&Q....Returned a Sander.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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