The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

You know it's time to start exercising when...

...You step on a talking scale and it says, "Come back when you are alone".

After 20 years of marriage, a couple were
lying in bed one evening, when the
wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving
down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down
over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed
past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over
her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh,
stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a
loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

He said, 'I found the remote'.

The Savage Cabbage wrote: »

Nor me, but seemily there is a point to it

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_soap_radio

Slattsy wrote: »

I had to quit my job at the recycling plant. My only job was to crush cans all day long. It was soda pressing.

I feel your pain. I used to work at a shoe recycling plant. It was sole destroying....

Bobby Bald Pigeon wrote: »

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.
Apparently, Yorkshire club-goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called: "e by gum"



A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi me."


A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "D’ ya want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "Naw, I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bugger!"

The last is always the best ...........
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies, "Aye lad, Magnum or Cornetto?"

Yorkshire man goes to a monumental sculptor and asks him to make a headstone for his much loved late wife. He tells him he wants the lines at the bottom to say, 'she were thine'
3 weeks later he goes to the gravestone and notices to his horror that the sculptor has made a mistake, because it reads,
'she were thin'

He rings the sculptor to complain and tells him that he forgot to put in the 'e'. He is assured it will be fixed. Two weeks later he returns to see it now reads;
'e she were thin'

Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.

"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked.

He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."

Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God. Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77.

A few minutes later, the drawing was held.

And once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707....

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!".

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

Three men were in heaven discussing how they died.

The first man said, "I died of cancer."

The second man said, "I died of Tuberculosis. "

The third man said, "I died of seenus."

The first two men asked, "Do you mean sinus?"

The third man said, "No, I mean SEENUS. I was out with my best friend's wife and he seen us!"