update on adoption search

Espresso guy · 21-10-2014 1:15pm #1

Hi all,

I had posted previously about finding my birth family and all going well, I had 2 new sisters and a brother and I was the eldest. I then found out I had another sister also put up for adoption, so I began to search, two years later having contacted people from donegal to Canada, I found her living in clondalkin!! We have met and clicked immediately and are getting to know each other, its all been a whirlwind but to everyone looking, do not give up!!

As a side note I saw schoolmouse say why don't more people search for birth fathers, I met mine but wish I hadnt, he stopped speaking to me after 6 weeks because I couldn't get to a cousins birthday party!!! This has been the only bad point, and I included this so as to let people know it's not all a bed of roses

We have a son now, and surprise surprise he wants contact again, I've told him he is dead to me and not to contact again, hurtful but he behaved abysmally

All the best to everyone!

J

MartinJohn · 21-10-2014 2:52pm

Hi Espresso guy

I too was adopted and I have 2 new sisters and a brother and I am the eldest. I meet my birth father only last weekend. He and my birth mother married a few years after I was adopted and did not tell anyone until 2 weeks ago after 35 years. They told my siblings and we are meeting this weekend for the 1st time!!!!

While I met him last weekend, his not much of a talker but did manage to say "they should have handled things differently", which was a some bit comforting to me. He was very overwhelmed with situation as this was the first time he had ever seen me.

I think people know its not going to be a bed of roses, because every adoption was different.

Best of luck to everyone with their search

Espresso guy · 21-10-2014 3:10pm

MartinJohn wrote: »

Hi Espresso guy

I too was adopted and I have 2 new sisters and a brother and I am the eldest. I meet my birth father only last weekend. He and my birth mother married a few years after I was adopted and did not tell anyone until 2 weeks ago after 35 years. They told my siblings and we are meeting this weekend for the 1st time!!!!

While I met him last weekend, his not much of a talker but did manage to say "they should have handled things differently", which was a some bit comforting to me. He was very overwhelmed with situation as this was the first time he had ever seen me.

I think people know its not going to be a bed of roses, because every adoption was different.

Best of luck to everyone with their search

Hi MartinJohn

Thats so nice and I'm sure very overwhelming for you too. Especially having full sisters and brother!! Have you seen photo if so, Are they like you? We all have the same laugh!! It's mad! Lovely though.

Yes i just thought it a valid point as it hurt a lot and was the only bad point in an otherwise perfect reunion!

Let us know how you get on, and good luck ðŸ€

J

MartinJohn · 21-10-2014 3:30pm

Espresso Guy

Yeah I've seen photos. The resemblance between my brother and I is almost unnerving. For years not knowing who I looked like was odd.Then I saw I photo of him, it was like looking at a photo from 10 years ago. When I met my birth father last weekend I could see the resemblance immediately, it was very strange.

We have been in contact by text the last week or so and we are all looking forward to the weekend. Any advice as I'm meeting all three

Martin John

Ghekko · 21-10-2014 3:36pm

Just to say how exciting it all sounds for ye. Dh still waiting to see a sw so trace is on hold. Did you both go through adoption agencies or did you do your own searches?

MartinJohn · 21-10-2014 3:48pm

Hi Ghekko

I done my own search Feb 13. I was in contact with SW who was very good to me and got my non Identify info, after I had gotten my birth cert etc I approached the SW again. I informed her that I had my details, but I was never going to contact her myself without some contact from HSE first even though I knew exactly where the house was. My info actually helped the sw trace her. SW gave me all info on my medical file while I waited for contact back. I met my bm in Jan 14 with the sw. We were then left to kept in touch ourselves so met last weekend again with my birth father.

Dh still waiting to see a sw so trace is on hold. What does Dh mean??
If you want to pm me no problem.

Espresso guy · 21-10-2014 3:59pm

Ghekko wrote: »

Just to say how exciting it all sounds for ye. Dh still waiting to see a sw so trace is on hold. Did you both go through adoption agencies or did you do your own searches?

Thanks Ghekko

I was born Christmas day so found my original cert easily as I knew my pre adoption name, found the surname but hit a dead end. Contacte Patricks Guild and they were very helpful, I wad told my youngest brothers first name and did the rest by Facebook!! They only live around the bloody corner!! Anyway once I confirmed this (saw a post on fb by my sister saying her older brother has made contact) , I just walked up to my sister and said hello on new years eve 2012!!

The rest as they say is history!!

MartinJohn my only advice is be open to any and all feelings and just be yourself, they will love you if my experience is anything to go by!

Ghekko · 21-10-2014 4:40pm

Dh - dear husband&#55357;&#56836;.
He has his birth cert, birth mothers age back then but hasn't yet been to GRO to search records. While the civil records were online in July we did look up her name and came up with a couple of possibilities. One is now dead so hope it's not her - he mentioned it to sw who said the lady who died was not from same area as bm. However, people do move! She also said the age was slightly off. So he is willing to wait and see what sw says at their first meeting whenever that will be. He is currently 4 th on the waiting list so not too bad.

LennieB · 22-10-2014 12:17pm

That's great news Espresso guy, best of luck with getting to know your siblings!

MartinJohn, I'm so happy for you too - my birthparents married a couple years after I was adopted and went on to have 2 more children, my full siblings but they haven't told them yet. It's been 7 years now since I first reunited with my BP's and they still can't bring themselves to tell them, they avoid the subject with me too which is difficult. They know how I feel as I wrote them a letter about it during the Summer and my BM scknowledged they had read it but they haven't mentioned it since. I can see my siblings on FB and they both seem like lovely people, it's frustrating though not to be allowed to meet or get to know them. My BM will actually mention them during our calls and it's just strange that they don't know a thing about me. Anyway best of luck with your reunion and maybe I'll be doing the same someday!

MartinJohn · 03-11-2014 10:51am

Hi LennieB

I thought that the wait that I had of 9 months for my bm to tell them was long, I don't know how you do it waiting 7 years. It must be very hard especially when she speaks about them to you. I hope it works for you.

I meet my sibling last week all 3 at once. It was a strange day my bm and bf arrived with their 3 children to meet me. My wife and 3 children were with me. My wife and children met with my bm and bf while I met with my siblings. We were all very nervous and I done most of the talking. I had text them the week before to try and break the ice, there was a good few awkward silences and nervous laughs but I think that was at the similarity between me and my brother. Two and 1/2 hours passed and we decided to call it day. They didn't say too much, I think they were too nervous in case they might say the wrong think or upset me. I text them after to say thanks for meeting me and they all text back that they'd like to meet again. So I'm pleased enough with that at the moment.

Espresso guy · 03-11-2014 2:00pm

Lennie B I hope it all works out for you eventually. Maybe gently reminding them you are also their child and should know your siblings might spur them on, I wouldn't have your patience!

MartinJohn I'm delighted for you, and glad you saw the similarities between you and your brother, it's an almost surreal experience isn't it? Will you meet again soon?

MartinJohn · 03-11-2014 3:23pm

Hi Espresso Guy

Ya we are going to meet again, but nothing confirmed yet. I think, I'll meet them individually so that they can be more relaxed and able to talk. I think we have to meet up for ourselves before we can move on. The day flew by and took a few days to come to terms with it. The fact that he saw the similarities too between me and my brother seems to be a big deal for him as he didn't have a brother growing up.

Espresso guy · 03-11-2014 3:38pm

Yes a meeting by yourselves will be just the job so they can be more themselves. It will be very hard for them considering they didn't know about you until very recently, you have the advantage of always knowing you were adopted, so I always try think of that in any situation with siblings or cousins!

adopted1966 · 04-11-2014 1:53pm

Gosh LennieB - my heart goes out to you.

I am adopted - I'm 48 now and reunited properly with my birthmother over two years ago. This has been a huge huge stumbling block for me the fact that she won't tell her family about me. She never told her husband she had me before they got married and doesn't have the courage now. She has 3 children (grown up late thirties, 40) and they don't have a clue of my existence.

This is the one area that I find the hardest to get my head around and it has caused many many a fight over the last two years between us but we always thank god sort it out. We get on great when we meet up but she has to lie to her husband every time we meet. This then means that I don't get to see her half as often as I would like to and to be honest with you her not telling about me is very hurtful to me. I know there is nothing black and white about adoption but it's 2014 now a long way away from 1960s Ireland. What matters most to me is that we are in contact.

I admire your patience - my birthmother knows exactly how I feel on the matter - I know at this stage if I gave her an ultimatum I will lose her so I keep going hoping she will change but in my heart of hearts I know that it looks like I will be her secret forever.

Would you consider raising the issue again with your parents? tell them how hurtful it is to you?

Best of luck

Adopted 1966

LennieB · 05-11-2014 1:56pm

Thanks Adopted 1966 - it didn't really get to me until this last year for some reason and now it's an issue for me. My BP's live the other side of the country so I don't see them too often and I speak to my BM on the phone every couple weeks. It is hurtful the fact that they don't really acknowledge my feelings, it's all about protecting my birthsiblings really - they probably didn't think it was a big issue for me until they got the letter, having said that I probably wasn't forceful enough about it in the letter and they haven't really given me a reply on it yet. It's hard emotionally, it's difficult not to let it get to you at times, it's just the not knowing, like will they tell them in the next while or will it be years down the line because it has to come out some time!! I know what you mean about the ultimatum, I really don't want to lose touch with them over this as they are my BP's and I do feel I've learnt a lot about myself by getting to know them, but feel I'd get an even better sense by getting to know my siblings too. It's hard sometimes to see it from their side, the secrets etc when everything is so open now and discussed more and I can only see meeting them as something positive.

Espresso guy · 22-12-2014 6:41pm

Hope you all have a lovely Christmas and please god next year will be great for you in all your endeavours

James

update on adoption search

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