Lets all be anxious/depressed together.

Call Me Jimmy wrote: »

Drumpot your posts re: your improvement via CBT are very inspiring. Things are getting a bit out of hand for me and the desperation means I will hopefully be able to do CBT soon enough with the same kind of complete faith that you did.

I'm wondering though, there must have been specific 'core beliefs' that you have had to challenge through CBT. If you don't mind could you share some of these and do you think you have finally cracked some of them?

Also, HOW did you continue through those indifferent days, say day 11 of your treatment. It's not a big marker, it's not far into it, you feel very down on this day. Was it literally a case of ploughing through whatever exercise(s) you had to do that day? As if you were ordered to march 10 miles and just had to do it so each step you just marched?

I and many others I'm sure have really appreciated your posts. I think one of the hardest things to do is to tackle these beliefs or change a life-long pattern of thinking. As I said, I'm just almost at the point of challenging it all, but I am VERY scared about doing so. Are/were you like me insofar as at one point you would completely lose your spirit for the fight? That is another big fear for me, I'll be disciplined for 2 weeks and then completely lose my spirit and go a couple of weeks off, meaning progress goes back etc. How long overall has your CBT experience been and how much time of that would you say you 'fell off the wagon'?

Thanks

Thanks everybody for the kind words . .

I am not sure if I can be very specific about my rehabilitation mainly because it’s my flawed perception of how things improved but I will give it a go. I have said some of this before, so my apologies if you feel I am repeating myself. Also, please keep probing me for answers and it might jolt something that I had forgotten. .

A few months ago I looked through some of my original post in this thread and I really do feel that coming on this forum was a significant help in my progress. This is the first post I could find that I made on the subject: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=76804196&postcount=1054 . I must stress that it was only when I read this linked first post that I remembered I went to some free HSE councelling sessions before Christmas 2011. You only got 8 sessions free at the time and while they acknowledged I needed more help they recommended I try AWARE which I wasn’t overly excited about!.


Up until then I used to find a lot of solace in either medication (which looking back just made me like a zombie) and a few drinks at the weekend where I could actually just relax and switch off. This was as good as it got for me. The rest of the time, among other things, I was tormented with fear (of what I wasn't sure), anxiety (of things gone by and things that may happen in future) and regret (of the life I felt I was wasting). I was ashamed on some level because I had so many opportunities that others didn't and as such this shame made me feel like a waste of a life.

Before I started posting and reading on this thread, I just hoped that things would miraculously improve – “ if only I had (insert something you think will make you happy in your life) I know I would be happier and my life would improve. . . I was banking on a miracle and looking everywhere outside of me for answers. Coming to boards helped me focus on myself and my issues that I was reluctant to face.

I think it was being able to identify with other people that was the real help. . Instead of being the only person in the world who knew what was going on in my head, I was reading other peoples stories and started to get the impression that I wasn't as unique as I had thought. Not just that, other people had managed to overcome this affliction that I could really relate to.

To be honest most of the time I felt angry and resentful. People writing about how they had just finished some therapy or councelling and lead a remotely balanced life made me so unhappy. I felt like it only further backed up how much a hopeless case I was. . I defaulted to my "Im just a lazy, no good piece of sh*t that wont even do anything to help myself"!

Only after months and months of coming on here did I start taking advice. I spent loads of time just thinking about how great it would be to be able to sleep properly. Thinking about how great it would be to be able to relax during the day without any sort of medicated/alcohol substance. I suppose I would compare it to Stockholm syndrome in that I didn't actually do anything to improve my situation. I was paralysed with fear and depression held me captive in my head for as long as it could . .

I remember many times liking people making suggestions (like AWARE or CBT) as I got a certain sense of relief in knowing that there were potential solutions to my problem, but in an odd way I didn’t want to try for fear that they would fail and I would be left with no hope at all!

I honestly am not sure, but from what I can remember, the turning point was when I went to an aware meeting. I am recognising that I can hear the same advice over and over again (go to aware, try CBT etc), but that it can take the right moment or me simply being receptive or open to trying something I don’t want to do, that can make the difference.

At the Aware meeting I was way ahead of other people still learning to articulate their feelings (I had gone to plenty of counselling before this with limited success) and wasn't so sure if I would get much out of it. It is a bit hazy, but I think at the end of the meeting I was speaking with the person who organised this meeting, they suggested I consider the life skills programme.

I don’t remember how quickly or slowly I signed up to the lifeskills programme but at that stage I can say that my approach to my depression had changed. I was, for some reason, no longer willing to spend my life feeling so alone and isolated. Feeling at my most lonely when surrounded by family and friends. I wish I could put my finger on what triggered a change in my approach – desperation played its part, but a longing to feel a part of the world also helped. A willingness to try things I really didn’t want to do was another factor that I cannot really say how this happened. I think it was more a 180 degree shift from dismissing everything that was suggested to me, to being more open minded and willing to at least try.

When I signed up to the Lifeskills programme I had committed in my head to the full programme. I expected to be disappointed and to not agree with certain aspects of the programme. However Irrespective of how I felt of what was on the course, I committed to giving it my full attention. I had accepted at this stage that I didn’t really know how to get well or feel better consistently and had begun to realise that I needed help. There were weeks when I didn't want to return to the programme and wanted to bin it, but I forced myself to go because I knew I didn't have any better alternative at that stage and knew at worst it was a few more nights wasted . .

I can’t remember the entire course itself, but I do remember people of all sorts being at it. Its funny how I used to imagine that only stupid/weak people would need simple instructions on how to think or live their life. On the course I learned that this is not about intelligence or social standing, it’s about how a person feels and how they are wired from birth. I was no longer ashamed of how I felt. Instead of trying to drown out my thoughts I was learning to actually confront them and try to make sense of them. I was also learning not to be afraid of my thoughts. A thought is not an action, I also learned that intrusive thoughts are not real.

I had been on sleeping tablets and tried loads of different anti depressants. Had supplies of zanex and other calming stuff up to that stage. Whenever I went into my doctor I could see his face drop and it made me feel even worse .. I would think hes thinking “Oh f**k, heres this hypochondriac that I just cannot fix” . . It made me feel very stupid and like I was just some pathetic person wasting his time. .

After I finished the lifeskills programme I felt a bit more confident about myself. My life was still consistently crap, but there were subtle changes that I can only see now in hindsight. I made the decision to change doctors because I felt my relationship with my existing doctor had become toxic. I didn’t blame him but I felt that we both dreaded seeing each other and that this wasn’t a healthy way to continue a relationship that was at its heart about healthy support.

I spoke with my Aunty (a nurse) about how I had been suffering with depression and asked her if she could recommend a good doctor. She did and I have been seeing this doctor for nearly two years. He spent a lot of time getting to know me, took me off all medication so he could get a proper view of what was working, what was not working and where I really was emotionally. It felt good to feel that things were changing. I had more confidence in my new doctor and got some sense of hope that changes in my life could actually help. Hell, if a change in doctor can give me some happiness, who knows what other changes might yield . . Again, small sense of hope left me wanting to see what other changes might help!

He felt since I had positive results from CBT that I should get some one on one support and put me in touch with a personal CBT guy who was in many ways the final piece of my jigsaw of support.

I could go on (will do if you want), but I am aware that this is already a ridiculously long post. This story happened over the space of about 1 year from posting on this forum but bear in mind this is a problem I have known about for years. Here is a poem I wrote in 1998!

Feeling More then Lonely - written @ 11.30pm Feb 8th 1998 by Drumpot

Whats it all about ?
Dancing, Singing, Crying, Loving!
You said you would do it whenever you wanted to
But you never ever tried, you just died
On your own when you needed help
You took a drink when you needed a yelp
You did it to yourself but now you are reborn
Your lifes starting over, broken from being torn.

When you're feeling down, let yourself frown
Go with the flow
When you need a hand, reach out for there is always help, its never too late . . .
Why wait?
Who are you really and what do you want ?
You dont know me and I dont know you, yet we are one

I know now what it is like to have harmless fun
With my pain and anger all bottled inside
I learned well not to show it but when drunk could not hide
I hurt who was close to me
Why didnt they know, why didnt they see?

I cry now as I write this
For what reason I do not know
But I draw comfort from my tears
as Im able to show
Im so tired, yet alive and willing to go
The more that I am you, Im getting to know
My family and friends have been great to me
It means so much to me or you, whoevering I may be

I spent over 13 years trying to figure things out for myself even though I had known for a long time that something was just not right. . What I would stress is that I didn’t just decide to make things happen for myself, it took me a long time to get to this place and it was only when I started to take action and do things differently to the way I had done them before did I start to see a change in my life.

If you think about it, it makes sense. Why would anything change in my life if I didn’t do anything differently? It was only when I started to trust in professionals, without question, to give me guidance. Even if their advice was embarrassing or something I didn’t like or agreed with, I went with it. I just wanted to feel better and nothing else mattered. It was so nice to feel like I wasn’t alone and that I had actual support in my troubles. Immediately it had a snowball effect and I felt more confident opening up to friends/family. I no longer felt invisible.

But please do not think that my life is a ball of roses. I still go back into my old way of thinking; I am just better able to lift myself out of it. I must also stress that this is in no way a “take two of these each morning and you will be fine” solution. I believe I will have to work on my mental health for my life, but I am ok with that, I have seen the benefits and it’s worth it.

stinkle wrote: »

thanks so much, I'm actually feeling a lot better having done the first module online. I thought I'd be racing to do the next one but I'm not. Gonna digest the first one, and do the breathing techniques and other awareness ones. Like posting on here, it just felt good to get stuff out. I think I will go see my GP, I'm due a visit actually so it's not a big deal.

Was having a sort of bad week anyway, then got upset yesterday so that really threw me today. Doing the online module had me a little upset, but I think it was a good thing. It felt good to be thinking and writing though.

I sometimes get upset when I hear sad things on the radio or see a sad thing on tv . . Im happier now that I can actually get upset then the numb, dull feelings I used to have . .

For me, right now crying is an integral part of dealing with my inner feelings that I have still not figured out how to express.

You are completely correct on the module. It has already started for you . . I remember when I started the breathing techniques I got some really good tips and advice from a meditation app. It stated that many people think they have failed at meditating because they don't always get the same sense of peace/relaxtion that they expect every time they try. Instead of trying to focus on where you would like to get (peace/serenity), try to focus on where you are and what you are doing.

I think for me it was the same with CBT. I stopped trying to focus on what I thought peace and happiness was in life, I stopped focusing on trying to be there and just started to focus on working on things in my life to help me make some progression . . I must also stress that I found it hard work because life still goes on. Work can still be sh*t, family can be a drain and bad things continue to happen. Sometimes I felt like I was taking two steps forward and three steps back, but that didn't mean I wasn't making progress, it only felt like that . .

When I get knockbacks, instead of thinking "well f**k CBT" or "F**k life", I try to take a step back from whatever it is that has me in that frame of mind. Sounds like I know it all right ? Wrong, this can take me a day, a week and sometimes its not as simple as I am writing it. However, because I know have the gift of wisdom ("I know that this sh*t will pass"), while I might feel like sh*t for days, I know that my life can/will improve. .

I remember hearing that phrase "this too shall pass" . . Made me think of Gandelf holding his staff in the lord of the rings, on that bridge with the giant fire devil and he says "You . . . .. shall not pass". Always brings a smile to my face, but I think its quite an appropriate metaphor. Sometimes the waves of anxiety/fear/hopelessness can make me feel like I have to battle a giant firedevil who I couldn't possibly hope to defeat. It killed Gandelf but he was reborn wiser and braver then before . .