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Men trying a girl i'm seeing

  • 27-02-2012 11:36pm
    #1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7 king kenny 7


    I have been seeing a girl for a couple of months.I really like her she is beautiful and one of the nicest people i have ever met.She works as a barmaid in the local pub where i drink but it's driving me crazy the way some of the men talk to her.I went for a few pints in their last week and some man nearly 40 asked me for her number :mad: she is only 17.

    I told him to fu*k off basically and i had 4 or 5 pints tonight with a friend and he told me what somebody said to her earlier and it drove me mental :mad: I wish she worked somewhere else but i know it's not her fault but it's getting so bad now i don't even want to go near the pub.I really love her but can't stand the way that lads do be trying her when they have a few pints and it drives me crazy and i don't know how to handle it.I know it sound a stupid question but can somebody please offer some advice if you have been true this.I trust her and that that's not the problem because we get on so well she's like one of my best friends i can laugh with her about anything.I just can't handle the things lads do say to her :mad:


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Comments

  • Administrators Posts: 13,531 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    All you need to worry about is if SHE can handle the things lads say to her.

    Occupational hazard of a barmaid I'm afraid...


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,691 ✭✭✭JimmyCrackCorn


    Trust her and accept that men will come on to your girlfriend.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,743 ✭✭✭blatantrereg


    I reckon the old guy asking you for her number knew it would provoke a reaction and was trying to wind you up. He trolled you really.

    But in general yeah I agree with the previous replies.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,695 ✭✭✭StupidLikeAFox


    I just can't handle the things lads do say to her :mad:

    Unfortunately this is your problem to deal with. Working in a pub this is going to happen all the time. If you let it get to you it will affect your relationship and will only drive her away.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,423 ✭✭✭Morag


    Guess what getting it on in work, when your dealing with the public is normal for most women, esp when they work late hours and people will have drink taken. It's a fact of life for women and it happens to all young and attractive women. It has nothing to do with you, men are don't it to wind you up this happens all the time to women, you've just never know.

    You can't demand that she change her job and you can't hang around the bar scowling and marking your territory, you need to take some time to sort out your emotional reactions and your jealousy.

    If she's had a busy night and it's been a bit rough with lots of men of all age hitting her, she should have to deal with you having your nose out of joint, you should be being supportive of her and understanding that being hit on like that is unfortunately part of what happens, men will drink and then try their chances.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,743 ✭✭✭blatantrereg


    Sharrow wrote: »
    Guess what getting it on in work, when your dealing with the public is normal for most women, esp when they work late hours and people will have drink taken. It's a fact of life for women and it happens to all young and attractive women. It has nothing to do with you, men are don't it to wind you up this happens all the time to women, you've just never know.
    The guy asking him for his gf's number was probably trying to wind him up I reckon.

    There are three fundamental scenarios with her getting attention:
    1. Guys ignoring boundaries enough to actually upset her
    2. Her soliciting the attention
    3. Pretty much everything else.

    It's pretty common for a guy to treat almost all attention his gf gets in the same way. Overprotective types treat everything like the first category. Jealous types treat everything as the second. And plenty of guys are concerned about acting jealous or overprotective, and treat everything as the third.

    I reckon you might be a bit overprotective OP, and that the guy said this to you becuse he picked up on that. Your language here suggests it too a bit. Be aware that this factor is the seed of destruction for a lot of relationships.

    Keep a lid on your territorial impulses, but just closing your eyes to everything is not the best way of handling it.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 945 ✭✭✭Squiggler


    You sound like an ex of mine. Note the word "ex".

    You need to trust that your girlfriend can handle it, if she can't she has co-workers and a manager who should step in. You need to keep out of it. Don't drink where she works and tell your friend to mind his own business.

    Drunk (and even sober) men come on to girls, especially girls who are behind a bar, waiting on their table or whatever because they're a captive audience. I'd be surprised if you haven't done this yourself at some point in your life.

    If you start trying to control her, causing trouble in her workplace or taking your irritation about how men behave towards her out on her you will lose her.

    I loved my ex, but when it got to the point that a stranger smiling at me in the street led to the spanish inquisition I realised that his jealousy and insecurity had gone completely off the deep end.

    And he used to say all the things you do, that he trusted me, that we were perfect for each other... all the time making my life a misery.

    Be careful and don't go down that route.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,791 ✭✭✭ash23


    Working as a barmaid you have to be friendly and as a result you get hit on. It's part and parcel of the job.
    I have to say, I'm surprised your girlfriend didn't go mad at you for telling the guy to f*ck off. That's not your place when she is working. You can't go into her workplace and start mouting off at her customers.
    If she's been doing the job a while then she'll be well able to handle herself and politely decline when men hit on her without her boyfriend interfering.
    You need to stop drinking there because you'll end up losing the head by the sounds of things.
    Sounds to me like you need to work on your possessive side and truthfully if I heard a man talking like that about one of my friends or sisters I'd be silently thinking she should bail on the relationship.


  • Registered Users Posts: 75 ✭✭rbag


    Occupational Hazard.

    As long as she doesn't mind it, can handle it etc then it doesn't have anything to do with you.

    There is an element of possessiveness in your post. Since it bothers you that much perhaps you should socialise away from her work place.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    You sound overly possessive and jealous. If my boyfriend behaved like that I would be damn insulted. This is her work life, not yours, she's perfectly capable of handling the stipulations that come with it and your interference is not required. She's an autonomous human being, not your property.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 5,065 ✭✭✭stargazer 68


    rbag wrote: »
    Occupational Hazard.

    As long as she doesn't mind it, can handle it etc then it doesn't have anything to do with you.

    There is an element of possessiveness in your post. Since it bothers you that much perhaps you should socialise away from her work place.

    Have to agree. Drink somewhere else. Im assuming you are young (as she is 17) but thats what happens to girls who work in pubs etc. You have never tried to chatt up a girl in a pub, shop, restaurant etc???


  • Registered Users Posts: 165 ✭✭Pebbles68


    When i was youger I did some bar work. I loved the attention and the bit of flirting with the customers. What girl wouldn't? As long as it didn't cross a line. But I was never going to cheat with any of them. If you cannot trust your girlfriend do both you and her a favour, move on. If the trust isn't there the relationship will never survive. Sooner or later it will come between you.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,416 ✭✭✭Danniboo


    OP,

    You have a lot of growing up to. Unfortunately you get idiots like this when working in pubs. The 40 year old asking you for her number, obvious wind up. If he was serious he's hardly going to ask her bf. Sounds like the regulars may have either caught on to your possesiveness or else they're just messing with you, which you obviously can't handle.

    Even the title of your post OP, Men "trying" a girl i'm seeing, she's not an object, men don't "try" her. I'd strongly advise you stop drinking in her workplace. I'm sure if she's well able to handle herself otherwise I don't think she'd have stuck with a job as a barmaid.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,708 ✭✭✭curlzy


    moflic wrote: »
    You sound overly possessive and jealous. If my boyfriend behaved like that I would be damn insulted. This is her work life, not yours, she's perfectly capable of handling the stipulations that come with it and your interference is not required. She's an autonomous human being, not your property.

    Couldn't agree more with this. She's not your property, tough **** if you don't like the way people talk to her, it's not your business unless she asks for your input. If you were my bf I'd be giving you the boot. Thankfully my bf doesn't feel the need to beat his chest if a guy comes onto me, he knows I'm going home with him. So yeah stop being possessive, she's not a possession.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 746 ✭✭✭Starokan


    Take on board what the previous posters have said, Its good advice.

    For the sake of your relationship do find somewhere else to drink or learn how to handle this. I have worked on and off in bars for years and its part and parcel of the job, male and female staff alike will get hit on by customers. In general staff don't mind , its fun, they laugh and joke about it , if it ever extends beyond that a word from management sorts it out.

    If you start acting all possessive and jealous your relationship will be over very soon, trust your girlfriend and if you cant walk away for your own peace of mind. Anyone who has worked in bars will tell you there is nothing worse on a night that their partner sitting there glowering at them for doing their job and enjoying the banter with the customers. And believe me that's all it is to her , good natured banter.


  • Registered Users Posts: 179 ✭✭Janet1986


    17?

    Thought 18yrs to work in a bar unless serving food.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,659 ✭✭✭Siuin


    ^^ was just thinking the same thing


  • Registered Users Posts: 651 ✭✭✭The Jammy dodger


    I have been seeing a girl for a couple of months.I really like her she is beautiful and one of the nicest people i have ever met.She works as a barmaid in the local pub where i drink but it's driving me crazy the way some of the men talk to her.I went for a few pints in their last week and some man nearly 40 asked me for her number :mad: she is only 17.

    I told him to fu*k off basically and i had 4 or 5 pints tonight with a friend and he told me what somebody said to her earlier and it drove me mental :mad: I wish she worked somewhere else but i know it's not her fault but it's getting so bad now i don't even want to go near the pub.I really love her but can't stand the way that lads do be trying her when they have a few pints and it drives me crazy and i don't know how to handle it.I know it sound a stupid question but can somebody please offer some advice if you have been true this.I trust her and that that's not the problem because we get on so well she's like one of my best friends i can laugh with her about anything.I just can't handle the things lads do say to her :mad:

    Sounds like the men are just winding you up and it seems to be working by the looks of it. They are just playin with ya.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,791 ✭✭✭ash23


    Janet1986 wrote: »
    17?

    Thought 18yrs to work in a bar unless serving food.

    She might be waitressing or glass collecting as opposed to serving drink.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 12,395 ✭✭✭✭mikemac1


    You're easily wound up OP and the older guy played you
    And it worked


    She is young and attractive and works in a bar, it's going to happen in every county in Ireland and you need to learn to deal with it
    She's with you anyway, she's going home with you so relax. People only wind you up as they know they'll get a reaction

    Having you hanging around and swearing at her customers can get her in trouble with the owner so go find a new local and drink there instead


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  • Wait until she starts clubbing with you, OP. You have to trust that she can handle the attention. You sound way too over protective and bordering on the controlling, if you even think of making her change her job. If you want to keep her, trust her.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,449 ✭✭✭Call Me Jimmy


    There's jealousy and then there's this. This doesn't even have a basis. What logical path of thought got you from him asking for her number to her dumping you and being with him? That's what I'd be concerned about because somewhere in that logic will be the idea that this guy is better than you, because thinking like that is the only way you could react the way you did.

    You're in serious trouble with this relationship I'm afraid.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7 king kenny 7


    I'm sorry guys i came across wrong in my post.I know she's not my property and i don't go to the pub to keep an eye on her.I have always drank in the pub and have done so before she started working there.I have no problem trusting her as i know her all my life.

    I know that she wouldn't cheat on me and she was the one who made the first move thank god i would off been afraid to as myself and my mate used to hang around with sister and didn't want to feel awkward.

    I just don't get why people have to keep winding me up about her and this happens even when she's not in the pub.The lad that asked for her number should have more cop on.I wonder would he think it was funny if people started winding him up about his wife and all the times he has cheated on her.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8,057 ✭✭✭MissFlitworth


    I just don't get why people have to keep winding me up about her and this happens even when she's not in the pub.

    Probably because you get all blustery & defensive and they think it's hilarious. Stop reacting to them & they'll stop doing it


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 369 ✭✭gud4u


    Probably because you get all blustery & defensive and they think it's hilarious. Stop reacting to them & they'll stop doing it

    Are you around the same age OP, you're sounding a bit immature, also being THAT in love after 2 months is a bit full on.

    You are either the same age, and therefore too young to be handling drink, or your a few years older as you've drank there for ages. Either way, there's a lack of maturity going on here. If you're in your early 20s, maybe you should date someone a little older than 17.

    I think you may have to reign yourself in, stop getting so frustrated with lads winding you up, they have seen which strings to pull with you and are having a right bungee jump off you.

    If the older guy that asked for her number is a serial cheater then he's obviously a nasty piece of work and best avoided in any case, by you that is, your GF knows full well how to deal with such customers and I'm sure is learning a lot in her job. These are the things that at 17 will mature her and most likely result in outgrowing you if you can't move forward with her and allow her to do her job.


  • Administrators Posts: 13,531 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    "Older" men in pubs always get great entertainment out of taking the mick out of the young fellas. I'm sure if you think about it, there's probably loads of slagging going on, all the time.

    But now that it's aimed at you, it's different!

    As others have said, don't let them see you're annoyed... come up with a few good comebacks, just be careful not to get offensive or personal... ie don't think you should mention a cheating husband to his face in front of a packed bar! But if you have some good lines to show that you're not bothered, they'll either give up, or at least you won't be bothered.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7 king kenny 7


    I'm 19 by the way, the pub is in the country and i have been drinking in it since 16.There's only one other pub the but i always drink in the other one as it's got a pool table,dart board,jukebox and big screen for watching the matches.

    I'm not the best at explaining this and i think you guys have took me up all wrong.I'm no treating her like i own her or anything like that she goes out with her sister or friends whenever she want's like i go out with my mates.

    I can take a laugh and a joke but they just keep going on and on about it.The worst is if i'm at the bar and she's serving me or one of my friends they say something stupid out loud and make sexual remarks in front of her and the whole bar.That just makes me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed.I'm quiet anyway but it's the lads i have the problem with not protecting her, i'm just not explaining it very well.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,726 ✭✭✭gerryk


    It seems that they get a kick out of your reaction more than anything else. Don't feed the trolls and they'll soon get bored.
    One tactic I have heard mentioned here a couple of times to take the wind out of the sails of the blusterer is to wait a few seconds after the laughter or whatever has died down, and say something like "sorry, I wasn't paying attention... can you repeat that?"
    These sort of comments are rarely as witty the second time around, and the attention will definitely make the funny guy feel a lot less funny.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 369 ✭✭gud4u


    I'm 19 by the way, the pub is in the country and i have been drinking in it since 16.There's only one other pub the but i always drink in the other one as it's got a pool table,dart board,jukebox and big screen for watching the matches.

    I'm not the best at explaining this and i think you guys have took me up all wrong.I'm no treating her like i own her or anything like that she goes out with her sister or friends whenever she want's like i go out with my mates.

    I can take a laugh and a joke but they just keep going on and on about it.The worst is if i'm at the bar and she's serving me or one of my friends they say something stupid out loud and make sexual remarks in front of her and the whole bar.That just makes me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed.I'm quiet anyway but it's the lads i have the problem with not protecting her, i'm just not explaining it very well.

    I think it's hard to get across what you really mean in posts as they lack so much in tone and expression:) so apologies on my part if my earlier comments were wrong. You got a bit of a bashing here, but you handled it well as you had time to read and post a reply.

    The same applies to the jibes in the pub, unfortunately, you can't pause time and come up with a good one liner to shut them up.

    Now that you have explained further and perhaps are a little less annoyed than your first post, I see it's really just a case of everyone winding you up.

    I was a barmaid in a local pub at 18, there will be banter and flirting(not a patch on what you'd have to put up with nowadays I'd say) but I can't stress enough how much everyone sees what they are doing to you.

    Ignoring the comments is the best option, how about talking to your gf about tackling it together, obviously without you getting involved with other punters.

    The main thing is, you get to take her home, come up with a few good one liners together and soon the focus will be on someone else.

    Country pubs and country folk........they're a bit like that alright...:D


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  • Registered Users Posts: 14,739 ✭✭✭✭minidazzler


    I'm 19 by the way, the pub is in the country and i have been drinking in it since 16.There's only one other pub the but i always drink in the other one as it's got a pool table,dart board,jukebox and big screen for watching the matches.

    I'm not the best at explaining this and i think you guys have took me up all wrong.I'm no treating her like i own her or anything like that she goes out with her sister or friends whenever she want's like i go out with my mates.

    I can take a laugh and a joke but they just keep going on and on about it.The worst is if i'm at the bar and she's serving me or one of my friends they say something stupid out loud and make sexual remarks in front of her and the whole bar.That just makes me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed.I'm quiet anyway but it's the lads i have the problem with not protecting her, i'm just not explaining it very well.

    You need to realise that they keep on about it because they can get a reaction from you. Basically they are trolling you. Simply act like it doesn't bother you in the slightest and it'll wear out when they find someone new to take the piss out of.


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