Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Hi all,
Vanilla are planning an update to the site on April 24th (next Wednesday). It is a major PHP8 update which is expected to boost performance across the site. The site will be down from 7pm and it is expected to take about an hour to complete. We appreciate your patience during the update.
Thanks all.

Another day, another break

Options
  • 26-08-2015 6:22pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    This is a confusing situation, so I'm sorry if it doesn't make complete sense:

    Myself and my OH of 3.5 years are currently on a break, the second since the tail end of last year, both engaged by her. Initially she was in a bad mood, I asked her was everything ok and she told me that she felt like she wasn't connected in the relationship anymore, and felt her interest was waning. She's not been really engaged with the relationship for about a year and a half and I've tried to broach the subject properly time and time again, but she's repeatedly put it back on me, despite the fact that I've been trying hard to get us to spend time together in many different forms. Now, she's telling me it's all her fault, that she's having doubts and doesn't know if she feels the same way about me, that she loves me but it's apparently changed.

    To be honest, I find this whole thing disappointing, I'm not shocked, but I am a bit sad given how hard I've tried to make things work. I feel like I've been wasting my time, attempting to make things better, but it feels like she was no longer interested in equality - that if I was to do something nice for her, she'd completely avoid it for me. I just feel drained, disappointed and like I've not been treated with the same respect I've shown.

    My question is: is this break even necessary? What's she waiting for if she's ready to break up? She keeps saying she needs to figure out how she feels, that neither of us are happy, but she's never really attempted anything different, like actually actively trying to spend time with me or making me part of her life. I've never even met her family and she keeps avoiding mine, I just feel like there was a lot more she could have done before going to extremes, but if she doesn't feel like she wants to be with me, then what's the point in taking a break?


Comments

  • Options
    #2
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users Posts: 13,378 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    In my opinion, breaks are nearly always baby-steps to a break-up.

    But tbh, what stuck out way more is that 3.5 years in, you still haven't met her family? How is that even possible? I'm guessing they don't live in another country by the tone of your post.

    Honestly, OP, I think you need to stop wondering about your girlfriend's motivations for a moment and have a good, hard think about what *you're* getting out of this relationship.


  • Options
    #3
    fineso.mom
    Registered Users Posts: 1,089 ✭✭✭fineso.mom


    Op ,you sound like you've done your best to sort things out and now you're in limbo waiting for her to figure out what she wants. But if after 3.5 years you still haven't met her family and she avoids meeting yours,I'd wonder what is the point of continuing. She obviously has little interest in a future with you.
    I'd accept one break after a year or two if someone is not sure,but a second one?
    If she's not sure about yoh at this stage she never will be and you surely deserve better.
    Maybe you should think about yourself and what YOU want. Waiting for someone to decide if they want you or not is no way to live.


  • Options
    #4
    bee06
    Registered Users Posts: 4,514 ✭✭✭bee06


    Why are you waiting for her to break up with you? You don't sound like you're getting much out of the relationship and it sounds like she's really wreaking your head so why don't you break up with her?


  • Options
    #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP here:

    When I say I haven't met her family, I mean in her family home, and not all of them. I've met her mother in passing at times, her brother once or twice, but I've never met the rest of them, it's been very quick meetings that never last that long. They live in Ireland, and I've been invited down often and always have plans mysteriously changed last minute by my OH.

    The thing about it is, I know I'm getting nothing from this at the minute, I'm putting in 200% of the effort and getting nothing in return. She's often snarky and lashes out at me for what other people say or do, even if I'm not involved. The thing that's throwing me is all the mixed messages. One minute she says she loves me but it's different, the next is that she has doubts, and then it's all about how unhappy she makes me (her words), how she's done so much wrong...it really feels like she's grasping at straws, like if she really thought this was bad, why not try something different or just end it? I feel like she's keeping me around to make up her mind, but I really don't see this progressing unless she changes her entire attitude. Having said that, I don't feel that's the outcome, but again, why the break? I can't move on and I can't have a consistent relationship so I feel like I'm being distracted from how I'm feeling by all this confusion.


  • Options
    #6
    bee06
    Registered Users Posts: 4,514 ✭✭✭bee06


    You need to take control of the situation instead of leaving her to mess you around.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #7
    Ursus Horribilis
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,168 ✭✭✭Ursus Horribilis


    I don't see what the confusion is at all. It's as plain as the nose on your face that your girlfriend hasn't been invested in this relationship for a very long time. You should be asking yourself why you keep putting in all this effort when she's not doing much in return. There are alarm bells all over the place but you just don't want to hear them. She's using you to a certain extent. Probably likes the convenience of having a boyfriend but that is a far as it goes. Do your sanity a favour and end this.


  • Options
    #8
    Eeden
    Registered Users Posts: 17,912 ✭✭✭✭Eeden


    It seems as though she wants YOU to break up with her. Maybe she doesn't want to hurt you. Maybe she would rather that you be the "bad guy". Who knows? But it does sound as though she's not feeling it and might be trying to manipulate you.

    I'd advise you to muster your dignity and break up with her without any dramatics, if you can.


  • Options
    #9
    lazybones32
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,647 ✭✭✭lazybones32


    If you two are on a 'break', let it be permanent this time.
    She's not interested in you.
    I could write a few paragraphs about you - based on what you've written - but that's not the point.

    I don't know if you're male or female but call an end to this. Don't call her. Don't tell her. She doesn't care. If she contacts you, decide if this person who thinks so little of you is even worth answering the phone for. My own opinion is that she isn't but something tells me you'd jump at any chance offered.


  • Options
    #10
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    By and large, life is too short to continually have to convince someone you are worth their love.

    Genuine question, why would you even want to be in this relationship? Wouldn't you much rather a healthy relationship, and if so, why not find the person who could give it to you?

    A relationship like this can get into your blood and undermine your self-confidence until you are forever second guessing yourself, life is easy and better if you just end it now imo.


  • Options
    #11
    DukeOfTheSharp
    Registered Users Posts: 307 ✭✭DukeOfTheSharp


    You're in a one-sided relationship with someone who is keeping you on the long arm for her own benefit. The worst thing is that you really can't do anymore than you've already done. Speaking from experience, the fact that you're feeling like you're getting 'mixed messages' isn't something good despite the vague offer of hope, in fact, it makes the situation much worse. To leave you waiting for someone else's choice isn't fair or considerate or mature and judging by her actions, she seems very immature.
    Put it this way: where's the fun in worrying that this could happen over and over again? She's already done it twice, she clearly doesn't have a clue what she wants from life, but is seemingly taking that out on you, making your relationship a kind of testing ground and you a guinea pig. I think it's best that you take the break and spend the time on focusing on yourself; spend time with friends, get into hobbies and interests, and when she finally wants to talk, do. Make it clear though that you can't deal with this anymore, that your time and effort is worth a hell of a lot more than she thinks it is, and that you need the basics of a relationship, which are: consideration, love, communication, appreciation and equality. You say the equality is gone? That's something you desperately need. Appreciation? I don't see any here. Consideration? Clearly not present. Communication? You're on a break. Love? Nobody who really loves you should ever treat you in this way. I feel for you being in this unenviable situation, it's bad all around, but this issue isn't with you. You've admitted to trying...you seem (and maybe I'm wrong) exhausted with this, and who wouldn't be? Only you can decide what's ok for you, you have to make the choice that best suits your needs, but (from experience) being unable to be part of someone's entire life, insofar as meeting family goes, means that you're not a permanent staple. As tough as it is to hear, as much as you might love her, I don't really think she understands what love means, or at a stretch, what it even is.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #12
    OneOfThem
    Closed Accounts Posts: 667 ✭✭✭OneOfThem


    It sounds like she's using you. Calls a break, declaring herself single, lives as if she's single, so none of the responsibilities of a relationship, how far she goes with that is anyone's guess. Could range from simply ignoring all your needs in the relationship completely, to going off with other guys. Then she decides she wants you around for a while again, putting in 200% effort, fawning over her, and letting her offload at you and take things out on you in a way no one not in a 'relationship' with her would ever put up with for twenty seconds. Grows bored of that after another while when she's had her fill. Then sticks you back in your box while she runs off to be single again, before taking you back out when she needs to use you again.

    You should end things with her. Pop her off a text while you're in work (I say a text because if you haven't dumped her at this stage I don't think you'd be capable of doing it face to face, and you don't exactly owe her anything at this stage, a text is considerate, lots of people would have just vanished off the map during one of these breaks) letting her know the break is permanent.

    Billions of gorgeous women in the world. Literally billions. 99% of them wouldn't dream of treating someone like this. Fill your boots.


  • Options
    #13
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Just a quick update on the situation:

    I called her and set up a meeting for today, we met up early and I ended things. As a poster has pointed out, I've been second-guessing myself a lot when it came to this relationship, it was damaging my self confidence and I had to make the call. In the end it was easy, she appeared stinking of alcohol (a problem I don't believe I touched on - her bad relationship with alcohol in general), she was angry that I didn't give her the time she asked for, tried to start an argument and I simply got up and left. I'm still reeling, but it feels right. Feels like I can sleep tonight. Many thanks to those who showed support and gave solid advice.


Advertisement