Getting engaged

Sturge · 27-02-2012 11:39pm #1

Been going with my girlfriend 6 years now, we are both 28. Was my intention to pop the question at some point during this year, but all hell has broke loose at the minute. She called off the whole relationship yesterday because of this reason, telling me that it was an unacceptable amount of time and not asked the question yet.
Now I'm between a rock and a hard place, if/when we sort this out, I now feel that I have been backed into a corner and forced to do it, which will annoy me forever.
I'm actually at a loss as to what I should be doing anyway, tried talking but she is having none of it!

Anyone any suggestions?!!

tinkerbell · 27-02-2012 11:57pm

OP, dear god your gf sounds nuts. 6 years and she calls off the relationship just because you hadn't proposed yet?! Had you discussed it or anything? If she's that willing to call off the relationship just like that, well it speaks volumes tbh. Is she not mature enough to talk about these things like a grown woman?

I honestly don't know what to suggest but you shouldn't be forced into proposing and she's clearly messed it all up now for you (your plan to propose) ...

Sturge · 28-02-2012 12:08am

tinkerbell wrote: »

OP, dear god your gf sounds nuts. 6 years and she calls off the relationship just because you hadn't proposed yet?! Had you discussed it or anything? If she's that willing to call off the relationship just like that, well it speaks volumes tbh. Is she not mature enough to talk about these things like a grown woman?

I honestly don't know what to suggest but you shouldn't be forced into proposing and she's clearly messed it all up now for you (your plan to propose) ...

Thats what I'm thinking, tells me a lot about what I could be in for in the future!! Thing is she generally isn't like that normally.
Topic has come up in conversation in the past, but nothing like this!

I'm at a stage at the minute where I don't know if I should try to work things out, or just walk away. As I said if we do work it out, it won't be the same anymore for either of us and will always be remembered and not in a good way!

LegacyUser · 28-02-2012 12:08am

Bull. All hell did not "break loose at this minute"; there's no way she'd have split up with you out of the blue yesterday without a lot of red flags in the run up to yesterday. Seriously, OP, be honest with yourself& with us, this can't have been a complete surprise, ye/she must have discussed something re an engagement at SOME point in the last year or two even?
And as for your intention to pop the question "at some point during this year"? All sounds a bit vague tbh, I think if you were really keen you would have it all planned in your head; the time, the date, the ring, ect. And if it was something you were planning to do ANYWAY, why on earth would you feel forced into a corner???

tinkerbell · 28-02-2012 12:13am

I think OP you both need to be able to have a mature conversation about this. Her refusing to talk is ridiculous in my opinion, she sounds like a spoiled brat - honestly her reaction is way over the top and unreasonable.

If you want to work things out, it's a 2-way street, she has to apologise and realise she ruined your proposal ideas because of her stupid impatience.

Daisy M · 28-02-2012 12:15am

Crickey I hope ye have discussed the future and you havent kept her in the dark for 6 years. Why would you feel backed into a corner when you planned on proposing anyway? This sounds like a control issue to me. If you were sure you wanted to marry her and she you then why wait? Your nonchalance may have cost you the woman you love. I think she is dead right to finish a relationship that is not heading in the direction she desires.

I am a friend · 28-02-2012 12:17am

How can you intend to ask someone to marry you for a year and just not get round to it?!?!? Sounds like you don't give a crap either way - that's why she dumped you - pure frustration.

Probably best if you do let her go so she will meet someone with a bit if fire in their belly and who aren't happy to wait over 6 years (and even then not get round to it) to ask someone to marry.

Sturge · 28-02-2012 12:18am

Daisy M wrote: »

Crickey I hope ye have discussed the future and you havent kept her in the dark for 6 years. Why would you feel backed into a corner when you planned on proposing anyway? This sounds like a control issue to me. If you were sure you wanted to marry her and she you then why wait? Your nonchalance may have cost you the woman you love. I think she is dead right to finish a relationship that is not heading in the direction she desires.

Both of us knew that it was heading that direction, nothing to do with control.
The reason I fell like I'm backed into a corner is more the fact that she is demanding that I do it, which I don't really have a problem with as such, it's more the fact that any romance etc is now taken away from it of you get me?

Daisy M · 28-02-2012 12:21am

Sturge wrote: »

Thats what I'm thinking, tells me a lot about what I could be in for in the future!! Thing is she generally isn't like that normally.
Topic has come up in conversation in the past, but nothing like this!

I'm at a stage at the minute where I don't know if I should try to work things out, or just walk away. As I said if we do work it out, it won't be the same anymore for either of us and will always be remembered and not in a good way!

Are you for real? You dont love this girl if you can discard her so easy, at least she she has a valid reason. You sound so immature your not ready for marriage.

Just saw last post, if you loved her you wouldnt be worrying about the romance been taken away you would be doing all you can to get her back.

tinkerbell · 28-02-2012 12:23am

I am a friend wrote: »

How can you intend to ask someone to marry you for a year and just not get round to it?!?!? Sounds like you don't give a crap either way - that's why she dumped you - pure frustration.

Probably best if you do let her go so she will meet someone with a bit if fire in their belly and who aren't happy to wait over 6 years (and even then not get round to it) to ask someone to marry.

Where did the OP say he planned on asking her for a year? He said he planned on proposing to her THIS year ... It's only February! And there's nothing wrong with dating for 6 years. If his gf really valued their relationship, both the OP and gf would've discussed it like mature adults rather than her throwing a hissy fit. To say she can just walk away like that makes it seem like she's not bothered either!

Sturge · 28-02-2012 12:23am

I am a friend wrote: »

How can you intend to ask someone to marry you for a year and just not get round to it?!?!? Sounds like you don't give a crap either way - that's why she dumped you - pure frustration.

Probably best if you do let her go so she will meet someone with a bit if fire in their belly and who aren't happy to wait over 6 years (and even then not get round to it) to ask someone to marry.

I said it was my intention to pop the question THIS year at some point. My sister got engaged at the start of January, so that had ruled out the following weeks as it won't have been nice on her to steal her bit of limelight was my thinking? Can't undertstand how you get the impression that i don't give a crap though?

ihsb · 28-02-2012 12:24am

If you were going to propose then how has she backed you in to a corner?! Do it if you love her still! I can safely say that I would never wait six years for a proposal, I doubt I would wait six years for marriage so I kind of think she is a saint!

Sturge · 28-02-2012 12:26am

Daisy M wrote: »

Are you for real? You dont love this girl if you can discard her so easy, at least she she has a valid reason. You sound so immature your not ready for marriage.

Just saw last post, if you loved her you wouldnt be worrying about the romance been taken away you would be doing all you can to get her back.

Never once did I say it would be an easy choice to walk away, I honestly think it would be the more difficult choice, but the fact she won't talk to me at the minute has got me thinking silly things as well!! I am trying, but it's like hitting a wall, going nowhere.......

I am a friend · 28-02-2012 12:26am

The romance is long gone out of it for her... A surprise proposal before it got to this level of frustration would have been romantic for her - now it's never going to be right as she had to ask for it to happen.

Was in a similar position with an ex and he spoiled the whole thing so much that I didn't feel the same about him even after we got engaged. I finished it 6 months later... Still think we would be happy now if he hadn't made such an ordeal of it all..,

Sturge · 28-02-2012 12:35am

I am a friend wrote: »

The romance is long gone out of it for her... A surprise proposal before it got to this level of frustration would have been romantic for her - now it's never going to be right as she had to ask for it to happen.

Was in a similar position with an ex and he spoiled the whole thing so much that I didn't feel the same about him even after we got engaged. I finished it 6 months later... Still think we would be happy now if he hadn't made such an ordeal of it all..,

All well and good saying this now that the horse has bolted, but she didn't have to ask for it to happen, it was on the cards.:( As you have confimed, it has been spoilt now, from both sides I suppose, but I would like to put it right if possible! Just honestly can't see a way of doing it, and making it right at the same time?

Big Bag of Chips · 28-02-2012 12:36am

Has your sister been going out with her fiancé for a shorter time than you two? Maybe someone is in your gf's ear and making her come up with all sorts of ideas and thoughts.

If she's not talking to you right now, then best you can do is let things calm down a bit. She will have to talk to you eventually.

I don't think 6 years is a huge length of time, but it might be for her... and if she sees "everyone else" getting engaged, it might be enough to piss her off that much.

Talking to her, whenever you can, will be the only way to figure out what's going on between you both, and if there's any way back from this.

tinkerbell · 28-02-2012 12:39am

Totally reasonable OP not to propose straight after your sister getting engaged. OP I don't think you're in the wrong here - you both had discussed marriage so she knew it was on the cards in the near future, it's not like you hadn't discussed it.

And I don't understand people saying she had to wait 6 years for a proposal, you were dating for 6 years, not planning an engagement for 6 years. Practically everyone I know who has gotten married / engaged have been together for at least 6 years, most of them were dating longer than that. 6 years is not unusual before getting engaged. 6 years is not that long a time.

And OP I think you've every right to be upset about the proposal / romance ruined now, it has been ruined by her drama queen antics!

I suggest give her space to get over her drama.

Sturge · 28-02-2012 12:41am

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Has your sister been going out with her fiancé for a shorter time than you two? Maybe someone is in your gf's ear and making her come up with all sorts of ideas and thoughts.

If she's not talking to you right now, then best you can do is let things calm down a bit. She will have to talk to you eventually.

I don't think 6 years is a huge length of time, but it might be for her... and if she sees "everyone else" getting engaged, it might be enough to piss her off that much.

Talking to her, whenever you can, will be the only way to figure out what's going on between you both, and if there's any way back from this.

Sister is younger, but going out with her fella 9/10 years.
A lot of my friends are in longer relationships than me, and a few have got engaged within the past year which has set alarm bells ringing with her. I didn't think 6 years was a huge amount of time either, but everyone is different I guess!

I am a friend · 28-02-2012 3:32am

In her eyes, She will have had to break up with you to get things moving (if they do)...

It's not clear what you are asking?

IrishEyes19 · 28-02-2012 6:34am

how is the OP's gf nuts exactly? 6 years isn't a few months. If course she would believe the relationship should be progressing and Im sure its fustrating if nothing is happening. Also I dont see your point OP, about now maybe you are seeing what you are in for in the future. you've dated this woman for 6 years, have you any respect for her to actually speak about her like that. you then say you feel pushed into asking her now, but you said you intend to ask her this year anyway. contradictions all the way here.

just man up and talk to her calmly and easily. sounds like she had enough and wants some clarity right now. Just be honest with her.

Sturge · 28-02-2012 9:28am

I am a friend wrote: »

In her eyes, She will have had to break up with you to get things moving (if they do)...

It's not clear what you are asking?

To be honest I'm not sure what I'm asking either! I want to put things right, if that's possible! I know the only way to do that is to pop the question, but it will feel like it's been forced upon me if you get me? It's not that I don't want to, it's more I wish the circumstances were different? In my head I keep thinking if she'd waited another few weeks this would have been avoided, but as you have said she has had enough.

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

you then say you feel pushed into asking her now, but you said you intend to ask her this year anyway. contradictions all the way here.

just man up and talk to her calmly and easily. sounds like she had enough and wants some clarity right now. Just be honest with her.

See my above comment about being "forced" into it. My wording could probably be better, expressing myself is not one of my strong points, everything comes out wrong!!! As I said it's not that I don't want to, because I do, but don't know if it will mean anything now since it has come to this?

And I would have liked to have popped the question sooner, but I lost my job just before Christmas last year, and only just getting back on my feet financially again, not that that is a great excuse, but I wanted to do things right, which has backfired on me big time now!

ronjo · 28-02-2012 9:38am

Can you sit down and talk to her about it?
Tell her you were planning on the proposing this year and you were just getting your financials sorted before doing it.

Also, in my opinion its just a botched proposal for want of a better phrase as against a lifetime together.

Sturge · 28-02-2012 9:47am

ronjo wrote: »

Can you sit down and talk to her about it?
Tell her you were planning on the proposing this year and you were just getting your financials sorted before doing it.

Also, in my opinion its just a botched proposal for want of a better phrase as against a lifetime together.

I have tried all that, but what I am getting ( and maybe rightly so?) is that I have had 6 years to do it so why come out with that now that the **** has hit the fan. I can see her point, but at the same time I would like her to see mine, which she doesn't want to accept at the minute.

ash23 · 28-02-2012 9:47am

A friend of mine ended things with her boyfriend because she felt it was going nowhere. She sat him down and said they'd been together so long and she wanted to get married and it seemed like he didn't want the same thing so they should call it a day.
They took a week or two apart and met up to talk and he said he had been planning on proposing etc and they got back together, engaged a few weeks after that and married a couple of months after that. They've a kid now.

Anyway point is, I can see why she is frustrated. She has probably been hoping you'll propose for the last 3 years and yet another Christmas and Valentines day have come and gone without a murmur. And then your sister got engaged.
So she's probably thinking it'll be another year and then you might propose and by the time you both plan a wedding she'll be 31 and then a year or so to have kids etc etc.

I'm not saying she's right but some people are happy to tick along and some prefer to know what's ahead of them. I put myself in the second bracket. And it's soul destroying to be talking to your partner about weddings and babies and then the years are ticking away without a sign of any of it actually happening.
She isn't acting too brilliantly at the moment but you've been with her for 6 years. Surely you know her by now.
If she won't talk to you write a letter or something, explaining that you were going to propose and were planning it etc.
And then get the finger out! But also explain to her that you will be doing it in your own time and don't want to tarnish it by doing it right after a fight but that you will be doing it soon.

username123 · 28-02-2012 10:06am

Sounds like neither of ye are able to communicate properly with each other.

I dont blame her being frustrated that there was no proposal after 6 years, especially as she is 28, and if she wants to have children time is probably on her mind as well.

I dont buy the business about someone else getting engaged holding you off either. Or it being about sorting the financials, youve had a number of years to have a bit put aside for that.

What was the outcome when you had discussed it in the past, were you actually open with her that it was part of the grand plan or were you acting like you didnt know when you would get round to it? Because if you knew she wanted marriage, then what were you waiting for?

Im sure she is thinking now that if she gets back with you, and engaged, that you only did it under threat, which isnt a great way to start a marriage. I dont blame her tbh, 6 years is too long to wait for a proposal, imo she would be better off moving on and finding someone who knows his own mind in relation to her and is on the same page as her - if thats what both people want from life.

Sturge · 28-02-2012 10:40am

username123 wrote: »

Sounds like neither of ye are able to communicate properly with each other.

I dont blame her being frustrated that there was no proposal after 6 years, especially as she is 28, and if she wants to have children time is probably on her mind as well.

I dont buy the business about someone else getting engaged holding you off either. Or it being about sorting the financials, youve had a number of years to have a bit put aside for that.

What was the outcome when you had discussed it in the past, were you actually open with her that it was part of the grand plan or were you acting like you didnt know when you would get round to it? Because if you knew she wanted marriage, then what were you waiting for?

Im sure she is thinking now that if she gets back with you, and engaged, that you only did it under threat, which isnt a great way to start a marriage. I dont blame her tbh, 6 years is too long to wait for a proposal, imo she would be better off moving on and finding someone who knows his own mind in relation to her and is on the same page as her - if thats what both people want from life.

Well sister only got engaged in January, I had plans made for start of February to do it, but I thought it would upset her if I went so quickly after her? Maybe I'm wrong, but I was only doing what I thought was right at the time?

When we discussed it in the past I've always agreed it would happen, never put a time on it though, which in hindsight wasn't a great idea, but my niaevity (is that a word, or spelt right?!!) meant I thought she was OK with that.

And your last point is my big fear now, yes I did and still do want to marry her, but just don't know if this is something we can come out of and be happy. I know it will always be in the back of her mind thinking, what if I didn't take this action, would we still be the same etc.......

Daisy M · 28-02-2012 10:42am

Op imagine if you had proposed to her and she told you to hang on to the ring and she would let you know when she was ready. Would that be ok with you? Lets say 6 months or a year down the line and she still hasnt said yes or no only that she does plan on marrying you at some point in the future, she just wants to find the right moment to say yes. Do you think you should just sit back and wait having no idea when the whim may take her.

I am totally shocked that people think the ops girlfriend is been a drama queen this is her life too, seriously do ye really think she should just sit back and wait for the op to decide how it moves along giving her no real indication or timeline. She probably could have reacted better but it sounds as if she is heartbroken and hurt. I doubt any of us conduct ourselves in the best way when we feel rejected.

desertcircus · 28-02-2012 10:51am

I'm sorry, but if the OP's description is accurate his girlfriend was utterly wrong. Sit down and have a talk about the future? Absolutely. Dump someone because they haven't put a ring on your finger? Way beyond acceptable conduct. If you're not happy with your relationship's failure to progress, that's absolutely fine, but dumping someone for failing to read your mind about how soon you want a ring on your finger is simply not on.

This isn't even a theoretical thing: if she'd sat down and talked with him, she'd be reassured. Hell, if he'd managed to convince her they should aim for the end of the year, she could have gotten a happy surprise in the summer. Now, though, the best they can hope for is a proposal neither party is truly happy with.

Sturge · 28-02-2012 11:03am

Daisy M wrote: »

Op imagine if you had proposed to her and she told you to hang on to the ring and she would let you know when she was ready. Would that be ok with you? Lets say 6 months or a year down the line and she still hasnt said yes or no only that she does plan on marrying you at some point in the future, she just wants to find the right moment to say yes. Do you think you should just sit back and wait having no idea when the whim may take her.

I am totally shocked that people think the ops girlfriend is been a drama queen this is her life too, seriously do ye really think she should just sit back and wait for the op to decide how it moves along giving her no real indication or timeline. She probably could have reacted better but it sounds as if she is heartbroken and hurt. I doubt any of us conduct ourselves in the best way when we feel rejected.

Thats a good way to put it!

I know what I have to do to try and put it right, but somehow I just don't think landing round to her with a ring is going to cut it at the minute! I just don't know what I can say or do to attempt to put things back on track, if there is anything at all.

silly · 28-02-2012 11:05am

I think the length of time waiting for a proposal depends on the people's age.
If you were going out with her since ye were 16, that would only make ye 22, may be a bit young to be rushing things.
Bug when you are older, in your late 20's, you are more than likely to know what you want, ready to settle down etc.

I wouldn't have waited 6 yrs to get engaged. I met my husband at 26, if we got engaged 6 yrs later, that would make me 32, and him 37, get married the following year, me 33 him 38. Knowing that we wanted kids it would be ridiculus to wait so long just to increase the risk of complications etc.

Putting off the inevitable really.

If you loved her you wouldn't see that you were being forced into it, sure you were going to do it anyway!
Grow up op.

Daisy M · 28-02-2012 11:07am

Sturge wrote: »

Thats a good way to put it!

I know what I have to do to try and put it right, but somehow I just don't think landing round to her with a ring is going to cut it at the minute! I just don't know what I can say or do to attempt to put things back on track, if there is anything at all.

Maybe show her this thread. I agree you are right not to jump in with a proposal right now. It would be a little tainted. Your first priority is to get her to talk to you, it doesnt sound as if this is going to be easy though. From what you have said she has really taken this to heart, it sounds more serious than a tantrum.

Getting engaged

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