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I made a mistake...

  • 21-06-2014 10:34pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi there,
    I never knew my father and havent been in contact with him for 11 years! I'm 17 now btw, he was a mean abusing rapist who actually tried to murder my mother and myself and my brother before. He was the cause for my Mam suffering with severe depression which she still has today.
    He wasnt a nice person at all but he ended up evading arrest in ireland and fled to america before going out with a in england and fathering 5 more children! Who i don't even know their names!
    Anyway i was on facebook the other day and underneath the recommended people like where it says you may know there was a few people with the same surname is me/mutual friends so like an eejit i decided to add them...
    i know no one on his side and to be honest i dont want to.
    I then received this message from a woman who said she was his husband, we were talking for a little bit, she said she was happy to hear from me, how i was doing, school, girlfriends, weather etc. i asked her did she know about his history and how evil he was and she told me not to believe everything i hear and make up my own mind, as if she knew? she basically said my Mammy was lying...
    i was shocked but i eventually asked about my half siblings and found out about then, i never met this woman before and she had to go make dinner so we said our goodbyes.
    she kept referring to him as dad, your dad and stuff and i hated that, hes not my father...
    i got this and still have a really uneasy feeling in my stomach and i decided to tell my mam she was upset, asked me why i talked to her and this just made me feel worse.
    i later apologised but this feeling hasnt got away...
    i dont know why i talked to her, i shouldnt have and i just cant shake this feeling.
    i keep seeing his face and his horrible eyes and knowing what he did and he got away with it...
    I havent told anyone how im feeling and i dont really know how...
    Help?
    Im sorry this is so long but im just so upset with myself... i hate him and i hate myself for it...


Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 10,076 ✭✭✭✭Czarcasm


    OP you honestly have no reason to hate yourself. A combination of youth, naivety, and curiosity - and bad things are inclined to happen. In this case it's understandable that you're adding all you know to your friends list to bump up the numbers, but it was just unfortunate you didn't realize who you were adding beforehand, and then it was just a matter of your curiosity getting the better of you (hell, I'm 20 years older than you and my wife still does some epic facepalms!).

    Don't be too hard on yourself OP, your mum was naturally going to be upset, as all her "what ifs?" came true and she realized she could no longer shield you from making contact with your relatives.

    I think if you sit down with your mum and talk to her, you might be able to support each other and hopefully be able to come to a better understanding of each other between you both.


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 5,575 ✭✭✭AlanS181824


    I agree with what Czarcasm said OP!

    You shouldn't beat yourself up over it, I think it's human nature to wonder about our relatives be they estranged or otherwise.

    You should have a sit down and talk about how you feel, you may never forgive him and you have every right not to but one day you might and it's totally up to yourself what you do.

    Don't make contact with them again unless you really want to and be careful who you add on FaceBook!

    Good luck OP and please feel better :)


  • Registered Users Posts: 443 ✭✭marizpan


    Devils advocate here!

    I find it usual that you have such a bad idea of your father. What I mean by this is that it surprises me that your mother didnt try to hide or underplay her opinions of your father so as not to allow you to carry the hatred you currently have.

    No matter the story, there is always three sides. His, hers and the truth. You do have half siblings you can choose to get to know!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,532 ✭✭✭Lou.m


    marizpan wrote: »
    Devils advocate here!

    I find it usual that you have such a bad idea of your father. What I mean by this is that it surprises me that your mother didnt try to hide or underplay her opinions of your father so as not to allow you to carry the hatred you currently have.

    No matter the story, there is always three sides. His, hers and the truth. You do have half siblings you can choose to get to know!

    This is very bad advice.

    The man in question according to the OP once tried to KILL the OP. Why would anyone underplay that?

    You need to make sure first and foremost that you are safe.

    You don't know anything about this woman if could actually BE you father.

    Don't give out personal info like where you live or school. Watch out for manipulative attempts to push your boundaries.

    If this man really is a rapist and tried to kill you then I would inform the police that someone from his end tried to contact you.

    If you wish to get to know relatives you need to make clear that they should respect your feelings about him. That you might want to get to know them but not him. If they bad mouth your mother after her raising you and him leaving the country I would nip it in the bud.

    You are still under your mothers care at 17 and I would show her the messages she is the adult responsible for you.


  • Registered Users Posts: 726 ✭✭✭Goat the dote


    Also, I'm sure she wouldn't have married him if he admitted doing those things to your family. He's probably told her all about his crazy ex (your mum) and how she drove him away from his kids.
    It's unlikely he'd have been honest with her in that


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  • Registered Users Posts: 81 ✭✭yr one


    I know exactly how your feeling OP, I went through similar, my dad was a total control freak and insisted he would burn my mam alive in the car if he didn't get what he wanted, my mam built up the courage to leave him and he was kicked out of our home, he lasted 3 days on his own and left to move to England, I was 11 and never heard a peep from him till recently (I'm 27) and as with your dad everyone thinks he's a saint, he's had 2 kids, one which sadly passed away (no matter how much of a tool he is a child doesn't deserve to die so young)

    I had similar feelings, my mam was very upset, and I'm sure your mam is feeling the same, if anything your mother is scared that you will accept this man into your life after his vicious behaviour, re assure your mam of your thoughts and don't be afraid to include her in what was spoken about, I know it's going to be tough and tears will be shed, but your mam will understand how it came about and how your feeling

    I don't think I need to ask this, but would you ever consider seeing him? Because if your sure you don't want to make that known to your mam, it will put her mind at ease.

    their was no sexual abuse, in my family so I can't begin to imagine how difficult it was to get through all the emotions and suffering he put upon your family

    personally op, by his new wife boasting about how much of a fantastic father he is, she has no idea of what is laying beneath, that or she is living a life of misery and won't admit to herself that there are issues

    If you are going to speak to her again don't be afraid to highlight the fact that you don't see him in any way as a father. Get her to ask herself if he was such a fantastic dad then why didn't he stick around for his kids even if the marriage broke up

    I know it can be difficult to talk about it, but it will get better with time, I don't know about you but for a time in my life I used to wonder why me and my siblings weren't enough for him to stay, but now I thank god every day that he left, out life was a misery when he was in it. We're happy, healthy and have each other. Yet he can't comprehend why I don't want to have him in my life

    Your dad has been living a second life, possibly feeding all the new people in his life with a load of rubbish about how he can't see his kids, and how he tried and all that

    The saying I love is, there are always 3 sides to a story, each other's and the truth, only when you confront the sob stories he's been spreading will the truth emerge


  • Registered Users Posts: 81 ✭✭yr one


    marizpan wrote: »
    Devils advocate here!

    I find it usual that you have such a bad idea of your father. What I mean by this is that it surprises me that your mother didnt try to hide or underplay her opinions of your father so as not to allow you to carry the hatred you currently have.

    No matter the story, there is always three sides. His, hers and the truth. You do have half siblings you can choose to get to know!

    That's a very easy comment to make, unless you've experienced it, i wouldn't be able to sit with my dad and his kids and step kids that he took in knowing that for 16 years I didn't exist in his mind, yet he has a daughter that he loves more than life itself, it's like being sh!t on his shoe..

    I understand where your coming from, but I really cannot see the op wanting to hear about how a fantastic daddy he is to his second family when he abused his first. It's a very hard pill to swallow


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi all Op here.
    Im still feeling horrible, honeslty just cant shake the feeling, my Mam apologised to me and said she didnt mean to overreact and i know this but i still dont know why i did it...
    why did i try to make contact?
    i have this feeling in the pit of my stomach about him coming for me, i cant describe it, just unneasy.
    His current wife is real alright, i seen a picture of her and him.
    i kinda feel bad for her because its probably only a matter of time before he shows his true colours...
    Yes he tried to kill us, he pushed my Mam out of a moving car out in my Nannys house and tried to drown me and my brother.
    He used to prevent my Mam from leaving the house, he used to expect dinner when he came home, he would hit my mam otherwise, he didnt want me and my brother to be noisy.
    He raped my Mammy before and also a young girl but I don't really kno much about what happened.
    Im guessing she was too scared to say anything and the statute of limitations probably kicked in by now to.
    No matter what I do I cant get rid of this feeling, i hate that i talked to her but i cant do anything about it.
    its honestly been a struggle to even get up lately knowing that i upset my mammy so much, knowing that his wife probably told him about me... showed him my profile picture... looked through everything...
    thank you all for the replies so far, i think getting this out is good thing.
    Op


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,089 ✭✭✭✭P. Breathnach


    Hi all Op here.
    Im still feeling horrible ...
    That's okay. You have been through some awful things, and you have opened up some old wounds. Do you think you should feel good about it?
    i still dont know why i did it...
    My guess is that you don't really understand your childhood experiences. Who can make sense of stuff like that? So you stumbled into it, hoping to exorcise some demons. And you are finding that it's far from easy.
    why did i try to make contact? ...
    You didn't really, so don't take on blame for that. The possibility of making sense of the past was dangled in front of you, and you pressed the button.

    His current wife might be a good person. She obviously does not know the details of his past, and she would find it very hard to believe - if she believed that he was like that, she would not have married him.

    I'm not suggesting that you continue contact with her. I think you probably should not. Perhaps you should should message her that the contact brings up too many painful memories for you. And set a high level of privacy on facebook.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    If I were you, I'd delete my FB profile. If you choose to get in touch in the future (however unlikely that seems) you can re activate it. For now though, I'd delete it.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi OP,

    I wanted to reply because I work with families who have experienced family violence just like yours, and I have worked with a lot of teenagers who have similar stories to you.

    Please don't feel bad about this, you haven't done anything wrong, it's very natural that you had a curiosity about your family and relations. I'm glad to hear that your mum is being supportive and understanding, she probably got a big shock, but she understands that it's natural to be curious. You've done nothing wrong and emotions and relationships can be confusing. It's natural for people to hate the behaviours of their parents, but still feel some sort of link, bond or curiousity, or even love. Keep talking to your mum and don't let it come between you.

    I'm sorry that your family has been through what you have been through and I'm happy to hear that you are safe now. The most important thing to do now is to make sure this safety stays. I would advise you to stop contact with this woman and block her from your facebook page. Don't give any further personal information or details about your whereabouts. The fact that you are posting here about this suggests that your gut doesn't feel right about this contact. So I would advise you to leave it for now and cut all contact, you will always have the choice to re-establish contact later when you are an young adult.

    Keep talking to your mum, and enjoying time with your friends. If you keep feeling stressed about it, find an activity that helps you feel more relaxed. Don't bottle your feelings up and keep talking. Your mum could look up domestic violence organisations in Ireland if she would like some information about what you could do in this situation.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,576 ✭✭✭Paddy Cow


    Hi all Op here.
    Im still feeling horrible, honeslty just cant shake the feeling, my Mam apologised to me and said she didnt mean to overreact and i know this but i still dont know why i did it...
    why did i try to make contact?
    i have this feeling in the pit of my stomach about him coming for me, i cant describe it, just unneasy.
    His current wife is real alright, i seen a picture of her and him.
    i kinda feel bad for her because its probably only a matter of time before he shows his true colours...
    Yes he tried to kill us, he pushed my Mam out of a moving car out in my Nannys house and tried to drown me and my brother.
    He used to prevent my Mam from leaving the house, he used to expect dinner when he came home, he would hit my mam otherwise, he didnt want me and my brother to be noisy.
    He raped my Mammy before and also a young girl but I don't really kno much about what happened.
    Im guessing she was too scared to say anything and the statute of limitations probably kicked in by now to.
    No matter what I do I cant get rid of this feeling, i hate that i talked to her but i cant do anything about it.
    its honestly been a struggle to even get up lately knowing that i upset my mammy so much, knowing that his wife probably told him about me... showed him my profile picture... looked through everything...
    thank you all for the replies so far, i think getting this out is good thing.
    Op
    Op I am so sorry for everything that you, your brother and mother went through. Delete this woman from your facebook and make sure you are set to private. Go through your friends list and delete anyone who is not someone you interact with on a regular basis.

    Your mother was initially upset but she has come around and you need to let go of the guilt. It is only going to eat away at you. It is natural that you wanted to see what your "father" was up to. Subconsciously you probably wanted to make sure he wasn't doing the same things to other people that he did to your family. It would've been a real slap in the face to find out that he is playing happy families with someone who believes that he is a good man. That woman is deluded and she had an awful cheek to write off his past. However, I think that she is simply ignorant of the truth of his past. For your own sake I would cut contact with these people. They will defend this man and blame your family and that will only damage you.

    It's good that you posted here and want to get advice, but the posters here can only do so much. I would suggest going to your GP and asking them to be referred for counselling. There are a whole load of emotions here that are beyond the scope of PI. Understandably your mother is still effected by this, so you will not be able to confide in her about how you are feeling but you really do need to talk to someone about this. A good counsellor will listen to you and not judge but will be able to help you work through your emotions. You really do need professional support. Counselling is tough but it helps sooo much. I cannot recommend it enough.

    Good luck op and I wish you all the best :) xx




  • why did i try to make contact?

    A need for closure perhaps - even if you do not yourself know what form that closure may or should take - the need for it can still be there. And you have never really had it.

    A need for closure can make people do some very out of character things. Not just in broken romantic relationships - but in ALL human relationships.

    It is certainly nothing to feel guilty about - but some form of counselling may help you attain closure in ways that do NOT involve contacting the people you need that closure on.


  • Registered Users Posts: 134 ✭✭animum


    Hi OP,

    On a side note, you can 'block' these people from your facebook, and you have to be friends to do so. So its a good thing to know who they are as it is. Any pictures of you etc, even when not on your page, will not be visible to them. They can not even search your name, and you can continue to have your own FB page.


    To block someone:
    1.Click at the top right of any Facebook page.
    2.Click How do I stop someone from bothering me?
    3.Enter the name or email address of the person you want to block and click Block.
    4.If you entered a name, select the specific person you want to block from the list that appears.

    People will not be notified when you block them.

    This might help ease the worry, they can not see you :) Hope you will be ok


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