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Hi all,
Vanilla are planning an update to the site on April 24th (next Wednesday). It is a major PHP8 update which is expected to boost performance across the site. The site will be down from 7pm and it is expected to take about an hour to complete. We appreciate your patience during the update.
Thanks all.

One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

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    #1622
    Run_to_da_hills
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,009 ✭✭✭✭Run_to_da_hills


    Breaking News...........Toyota.


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    #1623
    quirkey35
    Registered Users Posts: 13 ✭quirkey35


    Why did the Kerryman run out of the loo screaming?
    He was afraid of his sh1te.


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    #1624
    quirkey35
    Registered Users Posts: 13 ✭quirkey35


    the best joke here. oh no she's still here. i was refering to ; need cheering up? rewind your wedding and watch the wife as she takes off her ring and fcuks off in the car.


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    #1625
    dak
    Registered Users Posts: 2,577 ✭✭✭dak


    2 Irishmen in bed, one says to the other "sod this wife swapping lark!"


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    #1626
    admiralofthefleet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 15,515 ✭✭✭✭admiralofthefleet


    I could tell my parents hated me.

    My bath toys were a toaster and radio.


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    #1627
    NoDice
    Registered Users Posts: 2,088 ✭✭✭NoDice


    I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door. They asked me what
    I would like for my birthday.
    I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

    Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub
    her tummy and say "congratulations "but none of them rub your d1ck and
    say "well done"?

    Honestly some folk will take offence at anything....I met a bloke with
    no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How
    are you getting on?"

    Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby
    "Is this yours?" she asked.
    "Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"

    My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken
    jaw. It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted
    decking on the patio.

    Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to
    spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its bollocks!!

    They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are
    right. After 8 pints I talk **** and can't drive!

    Whats the difference between Basil Brush and a Terrorist with a
    rucksack?
    The Terrorist with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once.

    Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in
    my room disabled?"
    "No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick bastard."

    A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her
    twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?"
    He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"

    A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you describe the
    symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.
    "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with
    big blue hair."


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    #1628
    Nodster
    Registered Users Posts: 949 ✭✭✭Nodster


    I booked a table for Valentine's Night, I'm sure it'll end in tears cause she hasn't a clue about snooker

    I just picked up my new Toyota Pirus....talk later.....can't stop


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    #1629
    Victor
    Registered Users Posts: 78,243 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    Oireachtas to ban the Burqa


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    #1630
    quirkey35
    Registered Users Posts: 13 ✭quirkey35


    Paddy says to Murphy, i've been chattin 2 a 14 year old girl on the internet. She is funny, sexy and flirty. Now she tells me shes an undercover cop. How cool is that at her age.


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    #1631
    quirkey35
    Registered Users Posts: 13 ✭quirkey35


    Man watching football on tv flicked channels at half time and found a porn film with a man fcuking a woman long and hard. He says to his wife, i don't know whether to watch this or the game. Wife says, for heavens sake watch this , you already know how to play football.


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    #1632
    jc77
    Registered Users Posts: 541 ✭✭✭jc77


    Sky News: £56m Lottery Winners Pledge To Look After Friends

    Friend request pending


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    #1633
    jc77
    Registered Users Posts: 541 ✭✭✭jc77


    Why hasn't Stevie Wonder written a hit in years?

    He dropped his pencil.


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    #1634
    Elenxor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 485 ✭✭Elenxor


    Help! I've got a pirus in my computerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


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    #1635
    quirkey35
    Registered Users Posts: 13 ✭quirkey35


    What do you call a woman who knows were her husband is?
    A widow ;)


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    #1636
    quirkey35
    Registered Users Posts: 13 ✭quirkey35


    Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.I'm sorry Mickey,says the judge but i can't separate you on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane.I did'nt say she was mentally insane, I said she was fcuking Goofy.


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    #1637
    Podman
    Registered Users Posts: 887 ✭✭✭Podman


    Victor wrote: »
    Oireachtas to ban the Burqa
    burka1.jpg


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    #1638
    Stagger Lee
    Registered Users Posts: 36 ✭Stagger Lee


    you know, I can't remember the last time I forgot something...


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    #1639
    jimmytwomey
    Closed Accounts Posts: 26 ✭jimmytwomey


    My wife has a heart of Gold..........Hard and yellow


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    #1640
    fred funk }{
    Registered Users Posts: 6,827 ✭✭✭fred funk }{


    I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your f*cking willpower'
    Top tip; if your camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex...........Wish me luck I appear in court next Monday.
    I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did '
    A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry you fat bitch, you'll lose it eventually '
    Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him & says ' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one? Paddy said ' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!! '...............Murphy says 'Four!'
    I know how those poor bastards in Haiti feel. Last time I had a few aftershocks I couldn't find my house either.
    Marriage councellor to a couple who are contemplating divorce....... ' Tell me something both of you have in common ' Husband after a long awkward silence ' Well neither of us sucks co*k '
    Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself ' she'll be f**king lucky with a face like that!'
    I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes ' Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'


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    #1641
    D'Agger
    Registered Users Posts: 13,385 ✭✭✭✭D'Agger


    BIG DOG 82 wrote: »
    What's the difference between a Ferrari and an erection ?


    I dont have a Ferrari.

    <snip> please read the charter - this is not allowed


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    #1642
    Glenster
    Registered Users Posts: 2,626 ✭✭✭Glenster


    Silver Knight wrote: »
    I know how those poor bastards in Haiti feel. Last time I had a few aftershocks I couldn't find my house either.


    Aw Snap!

    haiti-earthquake-peoplejpg-d659963c2ae6ab12_large.jpg


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    #1643
    jc77
    Registered Users Posts: 541 ✭✭✭jc77


    The Winter Olympics.

    Letting white people win at sports no one else can afford to learn.


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    #1644
    jc77
    Registered Users Posts: 541 ✭✭✭jc77


    I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way.

    Through the driver's door.


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    #1645
    jc77
    Registered Users Posts: 541 ✭✭✭jc77


    Sometimes when my internet is down, I forget that the rest of my computer still works.


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    #1646
    Pompey Magnus
    Registered Users Posts: 5,406 ✭✭✭Pompey Magnus


    jc77 wrote: »
    Sometimes when my internet is down, I forget that the rest of my computer still works.

    Should that not be:

    Sometimes when my internet is down, I remember that the rest of my computer still works


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    #1647
    Elenxor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 485 ✭✭Elenxor


    A traveller goes into a sports shop and asks to see some baseball bats.,
    The Assistant says
    "certainly sir., Would that be a Wedding bat or a Funeral bat"?...


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    #1648
    Elenxor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 485 ✭✭Elenxor


    What's Peter Andres' favourite song?........

    Mammeries are made of this!!!!!


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    #1649
    Elenxor
    Closed Accounts Posts: 485 ✭✭Elenxor


    Did you hear about the:
    Insomniac, dyslexic, agnostic,?

    He lay awake all night, wondering if there really was a DOG.


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    #1650
    GiftsDirect
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4 ✭GiftsDirect


    what does a frog and an elephant have in common?
    ....
    They both can't drive a tractor! :D


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    #1651
    NICEGUYEDDIE
    Registered Users Posts: 15 ✭NICEGUYEDDIE


    Man who goes through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok.


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