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The Off-Topic, insult, picture and everything else thread

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  • Registered Users Posts: 5,818 ✭✭✭donvito99




  • Registered Users Posts: 4,084 ✭✭✭eroo


    http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=keGsZrWwOHI

    The Stig chases sheep! (Wish I hadn't seen that clip of him without helmet..:()


  • Registered Users Posts: 15,127 ✭✭✭✭kerry4sam


    Rhyme and reason dominates the gardaí's Christmas list

    THE INSIDER

    WHAT do you think gardaí want for Christmas? The Garda Review asked members of the Central Executive Committee of the Garda Representative Association for their wish list.
    ...
    I wish, I wish upon a star, That in the future but not too far
    To my door Santa might bring, Some or all of the following things:

    A uniform for members that actually fits
    And stations to work in that aren't falling to bits
    Patrol cars that undergo NCTs
    And computers we can work with without needing degrees. :)


    https://www.tribune.ie/article/2003/dec/14/rhyme-and-reason-dominates-the-gardais-christmas-l/


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,084 ✭✭✭eroo


    I was working for the match yesterday(as a steward), manning a barrier. Guy comes up to me with wooly hat on. Asks to get through to his friends on the other side. I say no, cannot do that as his ticket places him at another section. He says 'ah go on'. 'No, sorry I can't do that'. Then he pulls this little gem; 'Ah I'm a guard myself y'know'. Cue me; 'Sorry, can't help you'. He was shocked!! 'Any chance?' 'No, sorry'. Same fella comes back a while later with hat removed. 'Can I see your ticket?' Checking it I see it is different to his last one, but means I must let him threw as it is for this area. 'Go on, I recognise you by the way' He gives a cheeky smile and thanks me!

    Now I don't know if he was a Guard or not, as I wasn't going to ask for ID. I should have because I still would have told him no. When he left, I thought to myself 'CLADA..?' :p


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,357 ✭✭✭Eru


    eroo wrote: »
    I was working for the match yesterday(as a steward), manning a barrier. Guy comes up to me with wooly hat on. Asks to get through to his friends on the other side. I say no, cannot do that as his ticket places him at another section. He says 'ah go on'. 'No, sorry I can't do that'. Then he pulls this little gem; 'Ah I'm a guard myself y'know'. Cue me; 'Sorry, can't help you'. He was shocked!! 'Any chance?' 'No, sorry'. Same fella comes back a while later with hat removed. 'Can I see your ticket?' Checking it I see it is different to his last one, but means I must let him threw as it is for this area. 'Go on, I recognise you by the way' He gives a cheeky smile and thanks me!

    Now I don't know if he was a Guard or not, as I wasn't going to ask for ID. I should have because I still would have told him no. When he left, I thought to myself 'CLADA..?' :p

    Hmmm, about 2 years ago a gang of my mates booked tickets to a concert on the one credit card while I booked mine on my own card. We noticed nothing different until we went to the concert. I was for the green entrance but they were all for the blue.

    Luckily I didnt meet Eroo and the guy let me in with my mates. Whats my point? eroo is an asshole;)


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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,084 ✭✭✭eroo


    I'm not getting my ear chewed out by my supervisor because some fella couldn't book tickets properly! :D


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 651 ✭✭✭CLADA


    eroo wrote: »
    Now I don't know if he was a Guard or not, as I wasn't going to ask for ID. I should have because I still would have told him no. When he left, I thought to myself 'CLADA..?' :p


    No, he's not a Garda, that was "Jimmy the decoy", he's used regularly to distract gullible stewards while as many as 12 or more of his friends cross the barrier behind the poor distracted "yellow bib".:D


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,084 ✭✭✭eroo


    CLADA wrote: »
    No, he's not a Garda, that was "Jimmy the decoy", he's used regularly to distract gullible stewards while as many as 12 or more of his friends cross the barrier behind the poor distracted "yellow bib".:D
    Nobody got past me as the gap the barrier was covering was about 5 foot..I made sure no dodgies were getting in...one of yer own helped me with that!:P

    It's 'yellow oversized jacket'..thank you very much!


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,818 ✭✭✭donvito99


    Oh the irony!

    70166.jpg


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,155 ✭✭✭metman


    Take care on wintry roads.....only in America :rolleyes:



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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,938 ✭✭✭deadwood


    metman wrote: »
    Take care on wintry roads.....only in America :rolleyes:
    Now that's a time to be on your meal break!


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,160 ✭✭✭TheNog


    metman wrote: »
    Take care on wintry roads.....only in America :rolleyes:


    that would cool but only if your driving someone elses car.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,084 ✭✭✭eroo


    In that vid, someone either has a really big magnet and likes targeting cars!

    OR

    The cameraman has a remote control, and those are in fact his toys.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,155 ✭✭✭metman


    deadwood wrote: »
    Now that's a time to be on your meal break!

    I pity the fool that had to write up that RTA (I refuse to use the term RTC).....the individual is probably still writing.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,938 ✭✭✭deadwood


    A Traffic Corpse Guard stops a man for speeding. Naturally, the hard-done-by taxpayer pleads his case. He explains how he has a clean licence, was only doing 102 in a 100 zone and that he's usually very careful and so on.

    His excuses fall on deaf ears as the dutiful guard continues to write out the ticket.

    "Well, thanks a lot, Guard. That's my job down the toilet"

    "What exactly do you do, sonny?" asks the guard as he continues to write.

    "I'm an arsehole manipulation engineer" replies the driver.

    "What's that, then?"

    "Well, you take an arsehole and gently ply and manipulate it to make it bigger and bigger. Some of our arseholes can be manipulated up to 6 feet!"

    "And what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?" asks the guard.

    The driver puts the car in gear, takes his ticket and replies "We send them to Templemore !"


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 361 ✭✭miceal




  • Registered Users Posts: 1,938 ✭✭✭deadwood


    Sifting through some old files in the bowels of Deadwood mansions, i came across some footage of a young Deadwood getting in shape for the urban warfare that lay ahead. Deadwood doesn't move with suchcat-like agility these days, but stil has some moves.
    http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/stunts/Parkour_Champion_1/


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,938 ✭✭✭deadwood


    1.jpg

    Poor Resuss Annie.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 651 ✭✭✭CLADA


    POLICING


    FASCINATION STAGE Years 1 - 4


    For most officers, this is their first time outside of the middle class bubble. They have never seen a dead body, never seen life threatening injuries, never dealt with a family disturbance, never witnessed the **** some people call "home life", and never really understood the phrase "Man's Inhumanity To Man" until now. Everything is new to them. You can identify them by the amount of fancy new equipment they carry. A ten billion candlelight power torch, pens that write in the rain, a ballistic vest rated to stop tomahawk missiles, and an equipment bag large enough to house a squad of marines. They love it, they show up early for their shift. They work way past the end of their shift without even considering an O/T slip. They believe rank within the job is based only on ability and those in the upper ranks got there by knowledge and skill in police work only. They believe everyone is competent, everyone is on the same page and working towards the same high minded goals. When they finally go home to their significant other, they tell them everything they did and saw. Some of the more "eaten up" purchase a police scanner so they can hear the radio calls while at home.


    HOSTILITY STAGE Years 5 - 6


    They now show up for work about 2 minutes before their shift, and they are hiding about 30 minutes before end of the shift, writing reports so they can just throw them in the sergeant's in-box and leave ASAP. They have to get to their second job to earn money to pay for the divorce that is pending. They gripe about everything, drink excessively, chase women, and hate the public, politicians, media, etc. They feel they have more in common with the hookers, thieves, druggies, etc. but hate them too. Those pens that write in the rain are no longer needed. Writing traffic tickets can be a lot more trouble than they are worth, even on a nice day. To write one, or to write anything while standing in the rain, is a sure sign of an insane person. Their spouse is no longer interested in hearing about all the gore and heartache. They get the "you spend more time with the cops than you do with me" speech.


    SUPERIORITY STAGE Years 7 - 15


    This is when cops are at their best. They have survived changes in administration. They know how the political game is played, both inside and outside the job. They know who they can trust and who they can't. They have select friends within the job, and stay away, as best they can, from the nuts and boot-lickers. They know the legal system, the judges, prosecutors, defence solicitors, etc. They know how to testify and put a good case together. They are usually the ones that the gaffers turn to when there is some clandestine request or sensitive operation that needs to be done right. These cops are still physically fit and can handle themselves on the street. They will stay around the station when needed, but have other commitments, such as a second spouse, a second girlfriend (sometimes both), and most of their friends are non job.


    ACCEPTANCE STAGE Years 16 - ????


    Now the cops have a single objective... retirement and pension. Nothing is going to come between them and their monthly payslip. The boss, the force, the idiots around the station, and the creeps on the street can all go to hell, because they could come between them and "sitting on the beach". There is no topic of discussion that can't somehow lead back to retirement issues. These guys are usually sergeants, detectives, scenes of crime officers, community, or some other post where they will not be endangered. They especially don't want some young stupid cop getting them sued, fired, killed, or anything else causing them to lose their "beach time". They spend a lot of time having coffee, hanging around the station, and looking at brochures of things they want to do in retirement.


    The retired cop usually dies within five years of retirement, saving the force a bunch of money. Of course, nothing is ever 100% true, but if you are a cop, were a cop, know a cop, then you will certainly recognize some of the above statements!!!!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,155 ✭✭✭metman


    CLADA wrote: »
    HOSTILITY STAGE Years 5 - 6

    Have seen this before. I'm firmly rooted in the hostility stage :D


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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,938 ✭✭✭deadwood


    CLADA wrote: »
    ACCEPTANCE STAGE Years 16 - ????
    I'm never showing anyone a picture of the wife and kids at this stage. It's a sure-fire way to get yourself killed!

    I'm not going to work on my last day - that's when the psycho robs the bank as you queue to cash your last pay cheque.

    And i'm not bringing home some rookie so he can throw a length into my daughter.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,155 ✭✭✭metman


    deadwood wrote: »
    I'm not going to work on my last day - that's when the psycho robs the bank as you queue to cash your last pay cheque.

    And i'm not bringing home some rookie so he can throw a length into my daughter.

    sjff_03_img1107.jpg
    "I'm gettin too old for this sh*t" deadwood's last day at work was a memorable one.....


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,084 ✭✭✭eroo


    How encouraging CLADA...


  • Registered Users Posts: 404 ✭✭ScubaDave


    Im in the hostility stage .... alot earlier than i should be!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,357 ✭✭✭Eru


    What does it mean when you grow through all the stages in 1 shift?????:confused:


  • Registered Users Posts: 404 ✭✭ScubaDave


    I can feel this mans sense of job satisfaction!!!

    opinion.jpg


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,357 ✭✭✭Eru


    http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=zQOYceED7YY



    Fantastic, I know these shmucks!!! :P


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 61 ✭✭foxtrot-oscar


    Eru wrote: »
    http://ie.youtube.com/watch?v=zQOYceED7YY



    Fantastic, I know these shmucks!!! :P
    Ha ha what happen did he break down in the middle of eden quay and the polish just gave him a hand to move it down to custom house to get it off the road??

    Think its fake tho its sunny in that video, when was the last sunny day?


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,938 ✭✭✭deadwood


    Deadwood unfolds his ungainly frame out of the Focus, having done a quick scan of the yard to notice the Supers car isn't around - always a good thing.

    On entering the public office, he sees a new probationer busily texting his girlfriend while a young woman with a few passport forms waits patiently outside the hatch.
    "Where's the.." Deadwood is about to enquire.
    "Upstairs" clips the recruit.
    "..uniform fitting. Thanks. In the.."
    "Kitchen" interrupts the banbh, not even lifting his head.

    Deadwoods knuckles whiten as he grabs the door handle. Approaching the stairs, he's about to bound up them three at a time when the reality of what he is about to attempt dawns on him and he places his hand on the railing to haul himself up slowly, one health and safety notice step after the other.

    "Ah, Deadwood - the only time we see you here is when they're giving stuff away!" says a colleague, loaded down with office stationery pilfered from the store.

    "How many highlight markers can one man need?" asks Deadwood squeezing past.

    "Super's away so time to stock up. 3 in school, Deadwood - they go through this stuff like money grows on trees"

    Deadwood knows the irony is lost on this man.

    Approachng the kitchen a small queue has formed. "You always manage to find the kitcen, Deadwood!" says the 'drugs' guard who always makes sure the .38 is positioned to the front of his belt for maximum exposure. Deadwood is amazed at the ability of a plain clothes member to turn up for uniform fitting one day, while ripping the piss out of regular members every other.

    "...and can we not get it in any other colour?" is heard from inside the kitchen. The Sergeant i/c jokes with the fitters, looking around for approval from his subordinates, who laugh appreciatevly. The Lady fitting him smiles politely at his joke while she prepares for another razor-sharp witticism as she turns her head and holds her breath to measure his waist.

    "Fair play to ya skipper, they'll be retelling that one for years in the suppliers!" Deadwood never does himself any favours with this guy. Now he's embarrassed him in front of his cronies so there'll be a nice little job for him soon, no doubt.

    Deadwood surveys the goods on offer. Having been fitted a number of times for "radical new designs" he's not expecting much.

    He's not dissappointed.

    Trying on a hat, he wonders how his head could have shrunk from the last fitting. Looks a bit funny, but taller - so that's always a good thing. Makes the new recruits look even smaller beside Deadwood.

    Trying the gloves, he sees that they're slash proof. "So if i piss in one of these it won't leak?" he enquires from the fitter to deadpan silence and a smug look from the I/C.

    Instructed to go behind the "Carry On Doctor" style changing screen, the fitter grabs a few shirts. "What neck?" she asks. "Thick!" replies the chorus.

    Having given up moaning about the cheese grating qualities of the shirts years ago, Deadwood makes a mental note to look up the shareholders in Polyester Inc. He suspects a lot of the shareholders have addresses in Dublin 8 and not in the Zoo, either. Surely, no right thinking person would force others to wear such crap if they weren't making a profit from it?

    A pair of trousers, radically the same, land over the screen. This time, he's a 38" waist and 32" leg. The last fitting, he was a 34/34. He notices they're still putting baton pockets in. Deadwood misses that reassuring tap on hickory he'd give the old style stick at the start of the beat. He also missed the curious looks he'd get from people as he'd "accidentally" bump into stuff to get the distinctive ping from his baton. No sense of mystery any more, he sighs.

    He then tries on the pull-ups."Not bad" he muses, as he and another guy practice their golf swing to check out the movement.

    As he pulls on the new fleece, he notices they have the same unique absorbtion qualities the old sponge-like fleece had. With no elasticated waistband, it hangs nicely mid air to show off his belly. The patrol jacket has also managed to maintain its skin exfoliating collar. The solution to the collar which helps the wearer collect water? A little velcro strap - genius. Deadwood is reminded of the original Patrol Jackets issued years ago. One step forward, two back.

    On seeing the reflective jacket, he's reminded of the ones you'd see hanging up outside a farm co-op shop. He's given up at this stage. They've worn him down.

    "Try the t-shirt" instructs the fitter. "Wha? T-shirt?" wonders a curious Deadwood. Having regretted being so critical, Deadwood then sees what is produced. Expecting a polo shirt, he's presented with a vest. "I better hit the gym if i'm wearing this in public!" he thinks to himself, while sucking in his belly. He is informed the vest is for under his shirt to keep him warm under the stab-vest . . .or cool, the fitter wasn't sure. "How many do we get?" he asks. "Well, hopefully two each" he's told. "You mean I should be changing my underwear more than once a week?" Nothing. Blank stares.

    "Now" announces the fitter proudly. She holds up a trench coat for Deadwood to slip his arms into. "Jesus, i've never worn the Napoleonic one I have!" "Gabardine" cuts in the fitter dismissively. He slips it on - looking good! The boots though, surely we don't wear it with the boots?

    Job done, Deadwood wonders what planet his bosses are on. Haven't these people ever heard of a hood? How about trousers that don't start to crease as soon as the iron is switched off. How about a flap on the side of the jacket -there's a project for Mrs Deadwood.

    What a waste, Deadwood thinks. A big hullabaloo about a new uniform which looks like it could have been bought in the bargain section of an army surplus store.

    Cutbacks? Recession? You wouldn't think so.

    On the second turn the Focus labours into action. Deadwood decides to return another day to use PULSE. No point overdoing it, now, is there?


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,155 ✭✭✭metman


    deadwood wrote: »
    .... says the 'drugs' guard who always makes sure the .38 is positioned to the front of his belt for maximum exposure.....

    Its funny because its true.....good effort deadwood :D


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