Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

The Off-Topic, insult, picture and everything else thread

2456724

Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 4,084 ✭✭✭eroo


    ''a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:

    I lay upon a grassy bank,
    My hands were all a quiver,
    I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river''

    ''A man returns home one night carrying a duck under his arm, and says "this is the pig I've been telling you about".

    His wife says "that's not a pig, that's a duck", to which the husband replies "I wasn't talking to you".''

    Billy Connolly:
    -Two guys are talking and one says to the other: "What would you do if the end of the world was in 3 minutes time?" The other one says, "I'd shag everything that moved...What would you do?" And he says, "I'd stand perfectly still."

    -I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.

    - What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering? It has to be a McChicken burger...a chicken burger gets blank looks. Well, I'll have a McStraw and jam it into your McEyes, you ****ing McTosser!

    -Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time?

    -Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???'

    - Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,084 ✭✭✭eroo


    Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.


    When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

    So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


    Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


    St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'


    The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.


    The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.


    She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

    St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.


    The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'


    The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!'


    and..

    Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous throughout the
    entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

    At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience
    for total quiet.

    Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once
    every few seconds.

    Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone,
    "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

    A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd
    pierced the quiet. . ...

    "Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil basturd!"


    :D


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,938 ✭✭✭deadwood


    kerry4sam wrote: »
    beware of the Garda car when having the "one for the road"

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2hhBSFuEEg
    And they say culture is dead!


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,013 ✭✭✭yayamark


    Baptising an Irishman A Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

    The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus."

    The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus me brother?" The drunk again answers, "No,oi I haven't found Jesus."

    By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

    (Are you ready for this????)

    The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure dis is where he fell in?"


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,084 ✭✭✭eroo


    yayamark, you have no shame!! :P


  • Advertisement
  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,917 ✭✭✭towel401


    the family planning one is still the best


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,938 ✭✭✭deadwood


    One for the Fire Fighters.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G3uoVOOlT2s

    Ouch!


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,084 ✭✭✭eroo




  • Closed Accounts Posts: 651 ✭✭✭CLADA


    eroo wrote: »
    yayamark, you have no shame!! :P


    Never mind that sh*t, what gate are you on in Thomond Park Tuesday night and what's the password?:D


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,084 ✭✭✭eroo


    CLADA wrote: »
    Never mind that sh*t, what gate are you on in Thomond Park Tuesday night and what's the password?:D

    Terraces actually, and we have nothing to do with tickets, ya scan them in at the turnstiles!:p So, Garda ID's wont work! :D

    (Where is the euro sign on my keyboard??:pac:)


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 1,938 ✭✭✭deadwood


    eroo wrote: »
    Terraces actually, and we have nothing to do with tickets, ya scan them in at the turnstiles!:p So, Garda ID's wont work! :D

    (Where is the euro sign on my keyboard??:pac:)
    Now, that's very short sighted, young eroo.
    Us ould lads...


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,084 ✭✭✭eroo


    deadwood wrote: »
    Now, that's very short sighted, young eroo.
    Us ould lads...

    :confused:

    Is it the concept of scanning barcodes that has you confused? Surely they had them in yer youth??:pac:


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 651 ✭✭✭CLADA


    eroo wrote: »
    Terraces actually, and we have nothing to do with tickets, ya scan them in at the turnstiles!:p So, Garda ID's wont work! :D

    Hey deadwood! We might rendezvous in Mayorstone 1/2 an hour before kick off and stroll in, I love a challenge:D

    Barcode my arse:p


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,938 ✭✭✭deadwood


    eroo wrote: »
    :confused:

    Is it the concept of scanning barcodes that has you confused? Surely they had them in yer youth??:pac:
    The only thing I know about bar codes is:
    09%252007%252006%2520five%25201.jpg1 pint.


    2fingers.jpg2 Pints.
    3FINGERS.jpg2 for me and a bottle of mineral for mrs. deadwood. And a package of taytos for young eroo in on the turnstiles there.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,084 ✭✭✭eroo


    CLADA wrote: »
    Hey deadwood! We might rendezvous in Mayorstone 1/2 an hour before kick off and stroll in, I love a challenge:D

    Barcode my arse:p

    I'll keep an eye out for 2 auld fellas wearing black jackets with 'GARDA' tip-exed on the back then?:p

    ''Ya, we're with the Crimeatmatches Unit. Serious stuff. Could ya direct me to Seat 102, West Stand please?''


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,938 ✭✭✭deadwood


    CLADA wrote: »
    Barcode my arse:p
    zebra-barcode.jpg
    This is as close as I could get.

    Oops. I thought you said ass.
    Edit. Azz.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,938 ✭✭✭deadwood


    eroo wrote: »
    I'll keep an eye out for 2 auld fellas wearing black jackets with 'GARDA' tip-exed on the back then?:p

    ''Ya, we're with the Crimeatmatches Unit. Serious stuff. Could ya direct me to Seat 102, West Stand please?''
    The first rule of Crimeatmatches Unit is - you do not talk about Crimeatmatches Unit . The second rule of Crimeatmatches Unit is - you DO NOT talk about Crimeatmatches Unit. Third rule of Crimeatmatches Unit, someone yells Stop!, goes limp, taps out, the hawk is over. Fourth rule, only two mules to a hawk. Fifth rule, one hawk at a time, fellas. Sixth rule, no shirt, no shoes, no clip-on ties with straight pins in them. Seventh rule, hawks will go on as long as they have to. And the eighth and final rule, if this is your first night at Crimeatmatches Unit, you have to buy.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,938 ✭✭✭deadwood


    eroo wrote: »
    Fist one no longer available (might be just my p.c., mrs deadwood won't pedal fast enough.
    Second one's good. Is Jim Carey ripping off gift grub or vice versa?


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,084 ✭✭✭eroo


    deadwood wrote: »
    Fist one no longer available (might be just my p.c., mrs deadwood won't pedal fast enough.
    Second one's good. Is Jim Carey ripping off gift grub or vice versa?

    Mrs.Deadwood needs to pick up the pace! It's working for me, we got those new PC's here where ye get a monkey to pedal instead.


  • Registered Users Posts: 329 ✭✭Angus MacGyver


    ScubaDave wrote: »
    Classics

    The Lamp


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 404 ✭✭ScubaDave


    Shocked and appauled!


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,084 ✭✭✭eroo


    Had the most terrifying experience when I was stewarding/security at Thomond Park for Ireland vs Canada.

    We had the Garda Band around. To my surprise, disbelief, shock, horror and DISGUST. . . They were all Dubs!!!

    It was all; 'Youse' 'yizzers' 'bleedin' 'wha?' 'how aaar yaa?'

    One Garda asked me a question:

    'Do yiz nose where da Jacks is aah?'

    'Sorry?'

    'Da bleedin Jacks man!'

    'Down there to the left. . . no, LEFT!!'

    'Yore a star buuddy'

    Down with this sort of thing, keep recruitment outside the Pale!!!!!!!!!!

    :pac:;)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,357 ✭✭✭Eru


    eroo wrote: »
    keep recruitment outside the Pale!!!!!!!!!!

    :pac:;)

    Pale wasnt just Dublin smart arse :mad::p


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,084 ✭✭✭eroo


    Pale wasnt just Dublin smart arse :mad::p

    It is to us outside it!!:p


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,357 ✭✭✭Eru


    eroo wrote: »
    It is to us outside it!!:p

    Typical ignorant bogger! :p


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,938 ✭✭✭deadwood


    ScubaDave wrote: »
    Shocked and appauled!
    Shocked AND applauded!


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,938 ✭✭✭deadwood


    Pale wasnt just Dublin smart arse :mad::p
    Bloody re-zoning!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,357 ✭✭✭Eru


    deadwood wrote: »
    Bloody re-zoning!

    I agree, how all these Farmers are getting Dublin post codes is beyond me, taking the tone of the place way down! Dublin 15 should be a county in itself its gotten that big :D


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,938 ✭✭✭deadwood


    I agree, how all these Farmers are getting Dublin post codes is beyond me, taking the tone of the place way down! Dublin 15 should be a county in itself its gotten that big :D
    And the new prison in The Ward will be convenient!


  • Advertisement
  • Closed Accounts Posts: 651 ✭✭✭CLADA


    eroo wrote: »
    So, Garda ID's wont work! :D

    Anyway, just back from the match :D

    eroo:P:P

    But I showed great restraint and manners by not complaining because they had ran out of programmes.:cool:


Advertisement