Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Hi all,
Vanilla are planning an update to the site on April 24th (next Wednesday). It is a major PHP8 update which is expected to boost performance across the site. The site will be down from 7pm and it is expected to take about an hour to complete. We appreciate your patience during the update.
Thanks all.

Ignoring parents with dementia?

Options
13»

Comments

  • Options
    #62
    BeerWolf
    Registered Users Posts: 4,122 ✭✭✭BeerWolf


    What a caring fella that Sir Ian is an absolutely heartless prick if he did that to his own father...

    My mother, who's in her 60s now, suffers from dementia, and has a serious breakdown at least once every 2 years - do I "disown" her? Hell no! She was the woman that gave me life and raised me, I owe it to her to take care of her in old age!

    Now if the parent was abusive, that'd be a different story and understandable - but that isn't the case it seems for Sir Ian... I'm seriously disgusted.


  • Options
    #63
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »
    Are there not moments of lucidity with dementia?

    Yes there are.

    Its a bit like a corrupted DVD. Their thoughts and emotions may be mixed up, they may have chunks of memories missing eg. not remembering that their children are grown, or only remembering their childhood home and not the one they lived in for the past 40 years.

    With the person in our family who had dementia, they were acutely aware during frequent lucid periods of what they were thinking and feeling (and forgetting) during the bad episodes. They would become embarassed and agitated about it. Shortly before they died, we shared some wonderful weeks as they were mostly lucid.

    Based on that, I could never done what Ian Botham had done. At least during lucidity they had familiar faces around them. The least I could do after all they did for me.


  • Options
    #64
    Akrasia
    Registered Users Posts: 22,234 ✭✭✭✭Akrasia


    I don't know what i would do if my own mother was in the late stages of alzheimers.

    What I do know is what I wish for myself if I was to be diagnosed with this condition in the future.
    I would absolutely not want my children to have to endure months or years of anguish while my mental state degenerated with no hope of any meaningful recovery
    I would absolutely not want the memories of my children of me, to be of someone suffering from late stages of dementia

    I would absolutely wish to have the option of ending my own life at a time when my mental capabilities are diminished to the level where I am no longer able to take care of myself and have meaningful communication with my family.

    I would like for my children to have the most positive memories of me. It would be insult on top of injury to have the disease that ultimately takes my life and my dignity, to also steal from my children their good impression of me.

    Like it or not, but how you are at the end of your life has a massive influence on how people will remember you. (How do we remember James Dean, compared with Marlon Brando) Life is worth living as long as you can do something productive and enjoyable and contribute to your own enjoyment and the enjoyment of others.

    If it comes to a time when every extra day alive makes life worse for me, and those around me, with no hope for improvement, then I would far prefer to end my life.


  • Options
    #65
    Going Strong
    Registered Users Posts: 837 ✭✭✭Going Strong


    Neyite wrote: »
    Yes there are.

    Its a bit like a corrupted DVD. Their thoughts and emotions may be mixed up, they may have chunks of memories missing eg. not remembering that their children are grown, or only remembering their childhood home and not the one they lived in for the past 40 years.

    With the person in our family who had dementia, they were acutely aware during frequent lucid periods of what they were thinking and feeling (and forgetting) during the bad episodes. They would become embarassed and agitated about it. Shortly before they died, we shared some wonderful weeks as they were mostly lucid.

    Based on that, I could never done what Ian Botham had done. At least during lucidity they had familiar faces around them. The least I could do after all they did for me.


    My grandmother was like that. She thought my father, her son, was her husband and I was my dad. You could see the confusion on her face as she knew, deep down, that she was wrong but would struggle to try and make the pieces fit. Other times, my dad and I were treated like he was her son but when he was a teenager and I was his best friend from back then.

    Unfortunately, she never really had any lucid moments and spent her last few years sitting in a chair all day and rarely saying a word to anyone.


  • Options
    #66
    thegreatgonzo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,623 ✭✭✭thegreatgonzo


    Remmy wrote: »
    That sounds so heartbreaking. I think I'm tough in some ways and able to deal with adversity and setbacks etc but if that ever happened to a loved one of mine I would be broken in two and totally unable to cope.

    In my case I find you can adjust to things. It's a gradual process so over time you start getting used to it. I know there is worse down the line but you prepare yourself mentally bit by bit. Occasionally something happens that I find very upsetting but then other days will be good and almost normal.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #67
    suicide_circus
    Registered Users Posts: 19,802 ✭✭✭✭suicide_circus


    Truly awful disease. That and Alzheimer. Hope I dont have to watch my folks going through that and I hope if I have kids they will put me in a home when I go gaga and dont let me fookup their lives.


  • Options
    #68
    thegreatgonzo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,623 ✭✭✭thegreatgonzo


    suicide_circus wrote: »
    Truly awful disease. That and Alzheimer. Hope I dont have to watch my folks going through that and I hope if I have kids they will put me in a home when I go gaga and dont let me fookup their lives.

    I don't feel like my life is being f**ked up though. If anything it's made me more considerate as a person. It's inevitable that life brings grief, suffering, aging and death, your being in a nursing home isn't going to shield your future kids from anything.


  • Options
    #69
    Galwayguy35
    Registered Users Posts: 16,272 ✭✭✭✭Galwayguy35


    My father didn't really know anyone during the last stages of his battle with cancer but occasionally he would remember us, he always recognised my mother though.

    It was difficult seeing him like that and I can only imagine how hard it must be for people who have to watch their parents minds going slowly over time.

    Could never understand how someone could just not visit them.


  • Options
    #70
    readyletsgo
    Registered Users Posts: 3,276 ✭✭✭readyletsgo


    Galwayguy35 wrote: »
    My father didn't really know anyone during the last stages of his battle with cancer but occasionally he would remember us, he always recognised my mother though.

    It was difficult seeing him like that and I can only imagine how hard it must be for people who have to watch their parents minds going slowly over time.

    Could never understand how someone could just not visit them.

    Sorry to hear about your father GG, its very hard to watch and be helpless all at the same time.

    To be honest, I remember my mam dying of cancer and her memory going very fast too, like in the space of two week, it was very scary and none of us understood what was happening at the time. Cancer is a C***.

    With other memory problems, it creeps up on the person over years, so as a carer you do get 'used' to it over time and learn how to deal with it yourself and accept it more so, in a way.


  • Options
    #71
    SpaceTime
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,088 ✭✭✭SpaceTime


    It's very upsetting and quite emotionally disturbing to have someone who you know all your life suddenly not recognise you, but at the same time they are "there". They're just missing chunks of memory and the links between memories as essentially their memory system is suffering from data corruption.

    I think you just have to actually get your head around what's going on and work with that rather than being too freaked out by it (awful and all as it is).

    Your brain seems to store data by linking memories together in a giant web that just relates one thing to the next. So, one memory will trigger another. It's almost like those links break or there are memories missing/corrupted and jumbled up.

    What's even more disturbing its that your brain doesn't like or accept that it can have missing data, so it immediately will try to make sense of the world based on what information it has access to. So, you will get people confusing one person with someone else because they're trying to make the puzzle fit together so that it makes sense as reality to them.

    Sometimes the memories can suddenly be relinked and they can be lucid again. It's just hard to know really.

    I think though as awful and tragic as the situation is, you still just have to accept that's how it is, brains can break down and you kinda just have to work with what you have. At the end of the day, they're still your family or friend.

    They reckon as a rough estimate that your brain can probably store 2.5 Petabytes of information. So, that would be like a Sky+ box that could record 300 years of programming!!
    about : 2.6 million gigabytes and that's quite possibly a gross under estimate as it doesn't store binary data anyway. So, it basically has absolutely VAST storage capacity and nobody's quite sure how it works.


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #72
    stpaddy99
    Registered Users Posts: 590 ✭✭✭stpaddy99


    botham had people caring for his dad, so he didnt have to carry out those duties. he simply didnt want to visit his dad in the lats 6 months and he felt his dad didnt want him to visit. my own father had dementia in his last years and myself and my mother arranged social services visits 4 times a day and we took care of him in between. there was 0% chance I would have considered doing anything less. The man was a legend in more ways than I can possibly describe. the hardest working , most caring, most concientious, sincere, genuine etc


  • Options
    #73
    Galwayguy35
    Registered Users Posts: 16,272 ✭✭✭✭Galwayguy35


    readyletsgo wrote: »
    Sorry to hear about your father GG, its very hard to watch and be helpless all at the same time.

    To be honest, I remember my mam dying of cancer and her memory going very fast too, like in the space of two week, it was very scary and none of us understood what was happening at the time. Cancer is a C***.

    With other memory problems, it creeps up on the person over years, so as a carer you do get 'used' to it over time and learn how to deal with it yourself and accept it more so, in a way.


    Yes it was the same for us, his mind seemed to go in a very short period of time.
    We were lucky in that we were able to take him home for the last few months because he wanted to die at home.

    We all chipped in, I never thought I would be much good but when it's a family member you just don't think about it and get on with what needs to be done.

    Sorry for your loss.


  • Options
    #74
    Zed Bank
    Closed Accounts Posts: 504 ✭✭✭Zed Bank


    [Deleted User] wrote: »
    My grandmother had early dementia and it wasn't fun. She died before it took hold. My mother has symptoms and has told us all to put her in a home and not bother our arses when she stops recognising us.

    Louis Theroux, much as I don't like the guy, did a great documentary about this.

    Can I ask why you don't like Louis Theroux?

    Weird weekends was one of the funniest things I've ever seen on television.


  • Options
    #75
    stpaddy99
    Registered Users Posts: 590 ✭✭✭stpaddy99


    Kirby wrote: »
    You are making some assumptions here. You assume that because somebody disagrees with your opinion on dementia that they have no experience with it. You would be mistaken.



    And you are basing this on.....what exactly? Anecdotal evidence? Scientific fact? I have a relative currently with dementia. She doesn't even know who she is, let alone who anyone else is.

    You can tell yourself whatever lies or platitudes makes you feel better.....but the moment you try lumping them on to other people, you will meet resistance.

    how do u know she doesnt know who she is or who anyone else is 24 hours a day? in my experience the condition varies from hour to hour and there are many lucid moments too....its also interesting to note the hearing goes last


  • Options
    #76
    stpaddy99
    Registered Users Posts: 590 ✭✭✭stpaddy99


    readyletsgo wrote: »
    Absolutely 100% agreed here!

    People on here who say 'ship me off, I'm a husk, pointless, forget about them/me' are, of course, people who have not gone through having a parent, friend or sibling with dementia and/or alzheimer's or other serious memory problems, in my fathers case, Lewy Body disease, a mixture of a lot of different memory problems, all in one person.

    Yes I can totally understand what this guy Sir Ian is saying, and if I was a hard/heartless bastard, maybe I would do it to my dad at this moment instead of going through the past 5 years of everyday being stressfull and doctors and visits to hospitals and falls and panics and getting the house set up for his needs and him not remembering a lot of things, but god damn it, he's my father, the man who gave me life, looked after me, paid for all the rubbish I wanted, housed me and put up with my teenage years. I remember all that and now its my turn to return the favour, no matter what.

    He did it for his mother, he remembers it very well and how hard it was for 7 years and thanks me whenever he can in what I and my brother do for him every day. That is all he can do.

    Part of life, people get old and have to be looked after, you cant just say 'oh well, that person is finished, off to a home with you while I remember only the parts I want to remember' selfish twat!!!:mad:


    God, this makes me so angry!

    I 100% agree. youre a true man of honour and unbreakable loyalty and integrity. this shouldnt even be discussed. you honour your parents NO MATTER WHAT, NO MATTER WHAT!


  • Options
    #77
    Dr. Kenneth Noisewater
    Registered Users Posts: 3,236 ✭✭✭Dr. Kenneth Noisewater


    My next door neighbour has dementia. It seems to be a mild enough form of it (I don't know a massive amount about dementia), he recognises me and remembers my name and he's very friendly, it seems to have afflicted him in a way that makes him a wee bit....simple I suppose, for want of a better term.
    He's a nice man. But his family seem to have abandoned him, they've stumped up for a place for him to live, but he's looked after by social workers, and by his own admission, the family never come near him. I feel really sorry for the him. I'd never, never do it to my mother or father.


  • Options
    #78
    mfceiling
    Registered Users Posts: 12,774 ✭✭✭✭mfceiling


    Kirby wrote: »
    They aren't your parents anymore once they lose their minds. Your mind is what dictates who you are.

    If I had dementia, I would hope my family carted me off to a home. It's the right thing to do. "I" am gone and the husk that remains shouldn't be a burden on them. A slight financial burden might be inevitable but they shouldn't have to deal with feeding me, dressing me, wiping my arse and just the daily reminder of what happened to me.

    I'm sorry but i disagree with this. They are your parents until the day they take their final breath.


  • Options
    #79
    mrsbyrne
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,228 ✭✭✭mrsbyrne


    A very very emotive touchy subject. My hubbys grandfather is late nineties and living in sheltered accommodation. His 9 surviving children and many grand and great children have all had to accept that he no longer can have callers as apart from trained medical personnel who tend to him, everyone who enters his room is a stranger to him. This is frightening for him , frustrating and makes him extremely agitated. If he's watched through the little window in the door for any period he is sitting quite peacefully and calmly but as soon as someone "invades his space" he's filled with terror.Its heartbreaking for his family who always had a very physical relationship(hugs kisses cuddling he was years before his time) with him and one another. If you very badly want to kiss and hug your dad but can no longer because he reacts as if he is being assaulted then it is very hard to accept.


  • Options
    #80
    sparkle_23
    Registered Users Posts: 654 ✭✭✭sparkle_23


    My grandmother who is 82 has been in a nursing home with dementia the last 3 years. She was forgetful for a while and then it got worse, it wasn't safe for her to live on her own. She would revert back to when the kids were younger and scold my Aunts for staying up late when they stayed with her. She also waited for my Grandad to come home...which wasn't going to happen as he passed away in 1999. The nursing home is 25mins away from my house in Ireland and my Dad visits her 3 or 4 times every week. She always knows him! She always knows me and my brother too but sometimes she thinks my younger sister is me and other times she knows her! My Dad will sit there, hold her hand and answer her when she asks if it's raining 30 times each visit. It's the sweetest thing to see and he still jokes and teases her! When he makes jokes with me, my bro and sis she laughs and tells him to leave us alone like she always did!

    Sorry for the ramble but all in all it doesn't matter she's still his mother and I see a different side to my father when he's with her now! :) It's so sweet!


  • Options
    #81
    wp_rathead
    Registered Users Posts: 10,067 ✭✭✭✭wp_rathead


    Unfort I work with people with dementia a bit with work and is one of the saddest things you will experience..

    It is important to remember not to argue with someone with dementia - no matter how frustrating it can get the persons brain is telling them that "They are RIGHT and you are WRONG" - so no point going down that road


  • Advertisement
  • Options
    #82
    mrsbyrne
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,228 ✭✭✭mrsbyrne


    wprathead wrote: »
    Unfort I work with people with dementia a bit with work and is one of the saddest things you will experience..

    It is important to remember not to argue with someone with dementia - no matter how frustrating it can get the persons brain is telling them that "They are RIGHT and you are WRONG" - so no point going down that road

    This is true. I see well meaning and loving family members making both themselves and sadly the dementia sufferer very upset by trying to correct the dementia sufferers mistakes. "No mammy it was 1962" "1942" " No mammy sure you know that's not right". Nursing home administrators have had to speak to some visitors repeatedly.


  • Options
    #83
    lulu1
    Registered Users Posts: 1,815 ✭✭✭lulu1


    My father in law lived until he was 90 and although he hadent dementia he was bedridden for the last three years of his life, and because myself and my husband were next door it was left to us to care for him. The rest of the family live no more than 2 or 3 miles away and never lifted a finger to help. My husband was working full time including doing night shift and had to come home in the morning and sort my father in law out eg wash him change beds ect. For 3 full years this went on and not one of the family ever said to us take a break and we will stand in for the day. The district nurse tried to coax him to go into respite for a few days to give us a break. But we knew he didnt want to so we didnt force him. One of the other sons was nearly insisting we put him in. One day the nurse said to him who will look after you if anything happens to john to which my father in law replied
    "I will just have to lay here and wait on the undertaker
    I think that says it all


  • Options
    #84
    mrsbyrne
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,228 ✭✭✭mrsbyrne


    lulu1 wrote: »
    My father in law lived until he was 90 and although he hadent dementia he was bedridden for the last three years of his life, and because myself and my husband were next door it was left to us to care for him. The rest of the family live no more than 2 or 3 miles away and never lifted a finger to help. My husband was working full time including doing night shift and had to come home in the morning and sort my father in law out eg wash him change beds ect. For 3 full years this went on and not one of the family ever said to us take a break and we will stand in for the day. The district nurse tried to coax him to go into respite for a few days to give us a break. But we knew he didnt want to so we didnt force him. One of the other sons was nearly insisting we put him in. One day the nurse said to him who will look after you if anything happens to john to which my father in law replied
    "I will just have to lay here and wait on the undertaker
    I think that says it all
    So much of this going on all over the country.


  • Options
    #85
    sparkle_23
    Registered Users Posts: 654 ✭✭✭sparkle_23


    mrsbyrne wrote: »
    This is true. I see well meaning and loving family members making both themselves and sadly the dementia sufferer very upset by trying to correct the dementia sufferers mistakes. "No mammy it was 1962" "1942" " No mammy sure you know that's not right". Nursing home administrators have had to speak to some visitors repeatedly.

    So true, my Dad and his sister are really good with my Granny, they just agree with everything! She can't drive and she grew in Waterford and she was telling my Dad how she and her sister Alice were buying a car. Alice has been dead for years...`But my Dad was like "Oh that's great you won't know yourself with the car"

    In the Nursing home there's also a visitors book you sign so we can see who has visited earlier that day. We will see one of my Aunts visited earlier and my Dad will say "any visitors today" or "was Caroline here today?" and my Granny will say no... and my Dad will be like "Oh that's terrible, lucky I'm here now" It's sad but she's happy and that's all that matters. And every now and then we see a glimpse of her as we knew her!


  • Options
    #86
    Dermighty
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,748 ✭✭✭Dermighty


    Let him do whatever he wants. Peoples opinions of their own parents will dictate how they view Bothams scenario. People who despise their parents may agree with him (even agree with him for different reasons). People who adore their parents may find what he did unimaginable.

    Personally, I couldn't give a f*ck what he did nor could I give a f*ck about him or his parents.


  • Options
    #87
    Kirby
    Registered Users Posts: 13,084 ✭✭✭✭Kirby


    readyletsgo wrote: »
    People on here who say 'ship me off, I'm a husk, pointless, forget about them/me' are, of course, people who have not gone through having a parent, friend or sibling with dementia and/or alzheimer's or other serious memory problems

    You are wrong. I've gone through it. I have that view and I've had first hand experience. Twice. It's why I have the view I have. Stop making judgements and statements in the dark. Some people simply disagree with you. Some of those people probably have had more experience with the subject than you.

    Deal with it.


  • Options
    #88
    readyletsgo
    Registered Users Posts: 3,276 ✭✭✭readyletsgo


    Kirby wrote: »
    You are wrong. I've gone through it. I have that view and I've had first hand experience. Twice. It's why I have the view I have. Stop making judgements and statements in the dark. Some people simply disagree with you. Some of those people probably have had more experience with the subject than you.

    Deal with it.

    And I disagree with you, deal with it :rolleyes:


Advertisement