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The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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Comments

  • #4622
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    A man goes into a greasy spoon restaurant and orders a bowl of chicken soup. "What's this?!?!?" he screams! "There's a pussy hair in my soup! I'm not payin' for it!" and he storms out... The waitress gets very upset at this and follows him out and sees him go to the whorehouse across the street. He pays the madam and retires to a room with a lovely blonde and goes down on her with gusto. The waitress bursts in and says, "You complain about a hair in your soup and then come over here and do THIS!???" the waitress yells. He lifts his head, turns to her and says, "Yeah!... and if I find a noodle in here, I ain't payin' for it EITHER!!!!!"


  • #4623
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    There were these two horses standing at the bar. One said to the other "how ya doin?"...other replied, "not so good...the other day I was in a race and there were so many GREAT horses and jockeys I figured 'screw it', I ain't runnin' this race and all of a sudden WHOOSH! UP MY ASS! and I won by a head."

    The other horse said, "no kiddin' yesterday I was in a race and the same thing...I figured 'screw it', I ain't runnin' and half way around the track...WHOOSH! UP MY ASS! and I won!"

    This greyhound walks up to the two horses and says, "'scuse me but I couldn't help but overhear you guys. Just today I was in a race and there were so many great dogs I figured 'screw it' I ain't runnin' in this race. All of a sudden WHOOSH! UP MY ASS! and I won by a length!!

    One horse looked at the other and said, "WELL **** ME, A TALKIN' DOG!!!"


  • #4624
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Little Martin is four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother, she said, "Why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will learn something."

    Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learned. Martin replied - "Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesn't fit so you have to take the cock sucker down. Then you have to shave a **** hair off each side and put the mother ****er back up."

    Martin's mother said, "Wait until your father gets home."

    When Martin's father got home, Martin's mum told him to ask Martin what he had learnt today. When Martin told him the whole story, dad said, "Martin, go outside and get me a switch." Martin replied, "Get ****ed. That's the electrician's job."


  • #4625
    Quazzie
    Registered Users Posts: 28,790 ✭✭✭✭Quazzie


    When my mum was in labour, my head got stuck in her fanny and the midwife had to pull me out.

    That's how excited I was to see my little brother


  • #4626
    donegal_road
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,281 ✭✭✭donegal_road


    what do you call a zoo with no animals?

    a Shiatsu



    .


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  • #4627
    BeerWolf
    Registered Users Posts: 4,122 ✭✭✭BeerWolf


    donegal_road wrote: »
    what do you call a zoo with no animals?

    a Shiatsu



    .


    /moo ?


  • #4628
    donegal_road
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,281 ✭✭✭donegal_road


    BeerWolf wrote: »
    /moo ?

    I heard it when I was drunk.. it was funny then :o


  • #4629
    Mariasofia
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,887 ✭✭✭Mariasofia


    You would think looking like someone famous would make you popular with the opposite sex. My cousin is the head off Johnny Depp yet....


    she still cant get a date.


  • #4630
    --Kaiser--
    Registered Users Posts: 6,461 ✭✭✭--Kaiser--


    donegal_road wrote: »
    what do you call a zoo with no animals?

    a Shiatsu



    .

    If I may, a better version:

    I went to a zoo the other day, but it only had one animal, a small dog.
    <pause>
    It was a Shih Tzu


  • #4631
    Hagar the Nice.
    Closed Accounts Posts: 984 ✭✭✭Hagar the Nice.


    What do you call a guy who is pessimistic about deodorants?

    Not Sure.


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  • #4632
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best," the first guy says.

    The second says, "I like to look at a woman's ass." He asks the third guy, "What about you?"

    "Me? I perfer to see the top of her head."


  • #4633
    EoghanIRL
    Registered Users Posts: 4,080 ✭✭✭EoghanIRL


    Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."


  • #4634
    Hagar the Nice.
    Closed Accounts Posts: 984 ✭✭✭Hagar the Nice.


    What do you call a sheep with no legs.

    A cloud.


  • #4635
    j@utis
    Registered Users Posts: 3,064 ✭✭✭j@utis


    Did you hear about the flasher who flashed at three nuns?
    Two had a stroke and third one couldn't reach.


  • #4636
    j@utis
    Registered Users Posts: 3,064 ✭✭✭j@utis


    ...


  • #4637
    DubCul
    Registered Users Posts: 353 ✭✭DubCul


    Hear about the unemployed flasher.....?

    Said he'd stick it out a bit longer


  • #4638
    stefan idiot jones
    Registered Users Posts: 3,518 ✭✭✭stefan idiot jones


    Hagar the Nice. wrote: »
    What do you call a sheep with no legs.

    A cloud.

    What do you call a sheep tied to a lamppost in Wales ?

    A leisure centre.


  • #4639
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    Over five thousands years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

    Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

    Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land!

    I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the ecomomy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. I called a sucicide hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...


  • #4640
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama Bin Laden is still alive", Osama decided to personally send President Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was "still in the game".

    Mr. Bush opened the letter, which contained a single line of "coded" message:

    370HSSV-0773H

    Mr. Bush was baffled, so he sent copies to his Chief of Staff, and several Secretaries, including Condi Rice and Donald Rumsfeld. Their assistants and aides had no clue as to the meaning or translation of the code, so it was sent to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, then to the CIA and also to NASA. With no clue to the translation, they eventually asked Israel's MOSAD for help.

    Within a minute, MOSAD cabled the White House with this reply:

    "Tell the President he is holding the message upside down."


  • #4641
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    He who stands on the toilet is high on pot.


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  • #4642
    el diablo
    Registered Users Posts: 5,745 ✭✭✭el diablo


    A string walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here". The string, without saying a word, walks outside where he proceeds to tie himself into knots and mess up his "hair". When he walks back in and asks for a beer the bartender says, "Aren't you the string that was just in here." "No, he answered, "I'm afraid not".

    Q. Do you know what happened to the thief who stole the calendar?
    A. He got twelve months...

    We're all in this psy-op together.🤨



  • #4643
    Daveysil15
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,301 ✭✭✭Daveysil15


    Did you hear the one about the dyslexic pimp?
    He bought a warehouse.


  • #4644
    wexie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,480 ✭✭✭wexie


    eugh.....gonna be a long day, when I get home I'll have to tear off my wife's knickers....

    they're chafing...


  • #4645
    wexie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,480 ✭✭✭wexie


    A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession: Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.'
    The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years! I cannot hold your past against you, maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'
    She said, 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales . . .'


  • #4646
    kennyboy9563
    Registered Users Posts: 45 ✭kennyboy9563


    Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a Shrink and told him:
    'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it, I can't sleep and I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

    'Just put yourself in my hands,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me every week for 6 months and I'll get rid of those fears.'
    'How much do you charge?'
    ' 50 dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
    I quickly calculated that to be 1,200 dollars and told him that i would sleep on it.
    Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
    'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
    'Well, 50 dollars per visit every week for 6 months is an awful lot of money! After meeting you I went to the pub to think about it and got talking to the Irish barman there. He cured me for less than 10 dollars, the price of 2 beers. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I never needed to contact you again.!'
    'Is that so!' With a bit of a smart attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did this Irish bartender cure you?'
    'Simple, he told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'
    FORGET THE SHRINKS.........HAVE A DRINK


  • #4647
    rolliepoley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭rolliepoley


    So two women athletes kissed on the podium to protest Russia's anti gay laws.

    They got a standing ovation, from every penis in the stadium.


  • #4648
    Mariasofia
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,887 ✭✭✭Mariasofia


    I just saw an AA van driving down the road and the driver was crying his eyes out.







    I reckon he was heading for a breakdown.


  • #4649
    Mariasofia
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,887 ✭✭✭Mariasofia


    Sorry posted twice.


  • #4650
    Hootanany
    Registered Users Posts: 5,477 ✭✭✭Hootanany


    "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."


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  • #4651
    the purple tin
    Registered Users Posts: 10,943 ✭✭✭✭the purple tin


    A man is driving along the road when he gets a call from his boss. 'Congratulations! You've just been promoted' says the boss, the man is so happy and overwhelmed with this news that he briefly loses control of the car.
    As he drives on further his boss rings again and tells him he'll be getting a brand new company car, again overwhelmed by this information he briefly loses control and swerves but manages to right himself.
    He continues on down the road when the boss rings a third time and tells him 'you'll be getting a 40% raise in pay'.
    This is too much for the man and he swerves off the road and crashes into a tree. Thankfully he is not hurt. After a while, the Gardai arrive. 'What caused the accident?' they ask the man, 'I'm not sure' he replied 'I just careered off the road!'


This discussion has been closed.
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