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Oh dear

  • 29-08-2014 11:53am
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 18


    Hi there. First time poster with a bit of a dilemna.
    Happily married guy with kids who never had a thought about another guy until very recently. A new guy moved into my office and he is also straight as far as I know. The dilemna is that he has been making some pretty inappropriate remarks concerning male on male sexual activities, and I'm finding myself intrigued. Is he interested in me sexually? Am I an idiot? What should I do?


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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 588 ✭✭✭Deranged96


    yeah, you're an idiot.

    You find him sexually alluring, just because he's a man it doesn't give you the right to cheat on your wife, emotionally or physically. Any talk of "exploring" your sexuality doesn't apply to you because your experimenting days are over.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,734 ✭✭✭J_E


    The dilemna is that he has been making some pretty inappropriate remarks concerning male on male sexual activities, and I'm finding myself intrigued.
    Huh, of what kind? That could mean anything.


  • Registered Users Posts: 18 darsheblows


    I was trying to be polite by not giving specific examples but comments about my arse and what he would like to do to it if I am bending over to pick something from a filinf cabinet or something


  • Registered Users Posts: 40,537 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    A new guy moved into my office and he is also straight as far as I know. The dilemna is that he has been making some pretty inappropriate remarks concerning male on male sexual activities, and I'm finding myself intrigued.

    what do you mean by this op?

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,734 ✭✭✭J_E


    I was trying to be polite by not giving specific examples but comments about my arse and what he would like to do to it if I am bending over to pick something from a filinf cabinet or something

    He could be a straight guy making a joke/fool around, but if it's bothering you just say. I don't think work is the best place to experiment to be honest.
    Deranged96 wrote: »
    yeah, you're an idiot.

    You find him sexually alluring, just because he's a man it doesn't give you the right to cheat on your wife, emotionally or physically. Any talk of "exploring" your sexuality doesn't apply to you because your experimenting days are over.

    Not exactly helpful... Different people have different scenarios. If it was something he needed to do it could be discussed with wife. Any good relationship allows for some degree of experimentation at some point. Life isn't a Disney film!


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  • Registered Users Posts: 102 ✭✭Dr. Shrike


    So he's borderline sexually harassing you and it's making you intrigued?

    You actually don't seem that phased by it too. Maybe I'm getting things backwards. Were you feeling bicurious before this guy turned up?

    Btw, if you fancied this guy from the moment you saw him, it's quite possible that he realised that. If he knows what another man looks like, when they're attracted to him.

    I would tread very carefully, either way. Especially if alcohol gets involved.


  • Registered Users Posts: 588 ✭✭✭Deranged96


    Cydoniac wrote: »
    He could be a straight guy making a joke/fool around, but if it's bothering you just say. I don't think work is the best place to experiment to be honest.



    Not exactly helpful... Different people have different scenarios. If it was something he needed to do it could be discussed with wife. Any good relationship allows for some degree of experimentation at some point. Life isn't a Disney film!

    If he was attracted to a woman, would any self-respecting wife let him have a go at her?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,056 ✭✭✭_Redzer_


    Deranged96 wrote: »
    If he was attracted to a woman, would any self-respecting wife let him have a go at her?

    If it was discussed and both agreed, then yes, they would.

    Every relationship is different.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,734 ✭✭✭J_E


    Deranged96 wrote: »
    If he was attracted to a woman, would any self-respecting wife let him have a go at her?

    That's an awfully close minded approach to a long term relationship. As Dan Savage says, "Every successful long term relationship is built on a myth", people are always going to want sexual pursuits - you just refrain from doing so! This could just be a one off he needs to get out of his system - in many relationships there are agreements and provisions made. It doesn't mean you don't love someone - it is rare someone's brain and their genitals are in sync!! This just depends on wife's perspective and the closeness of their relationship.


  • Registered Users Posts: 588 ✭✭✭Deranged96


    Cydoniac wrote: »
    That's an awfully close minded approach to a long term relationship. As Dan Savage says, "Every successful long term relationship is built on a myth", people are always going to want sexual pursuits - you just refrain from doing so! [/B]This could just be a one off he needs to get out of his system - in many relationships there are agreements and provisions made. It doesn't mean you don't love someone - it is rare someone's brain and their genitals are in sync!! This just depends on wife's perspective and the closeness of their relationship.

    Couldn't agree more^^ ;)

    Also Dan Savage is an agony aunt, his throw away remarks shouldn't have a bearing on anything.

    Maybe being younger and inexperienced in long-term relationships my view is more romanticised and less practical than the view of someone hardened by life and cynical to the longevity of monogamous relationships.
    However, when practicality trumps the ideals of love and relationships, and when cracks are plastered over by cheap sexual get-out-of-jail-free cards, something is wrong.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 5,820 ✭✭✭floggg


    Ugh.

    Why the hell do people ever deal in absolutes when talking about what a relationship should look like - that goes for both sides here.

    Monogamous committed relationships may be the ideal for some, but they take a lot of hard work and effort to actually maintain, and it's naive to think it's easy to honour the monogamous commitment. Mistakes can be made despite the best intentions and efforts of all concerned.


    Open relationships work very well for some people, but not everybody is cut our for them. They come with their own challenges and they need a different type of maintenance. There fact there's consent doesn't mean third parties can't jeopardise the relationship.

    There is no right way or wrong way. And no matter what your relationship looks like there's no guarantee it will last (even taking third parties out of the equation).

    Oh, and since Dan Savage is making a pretty good living out of giving relationship advice I would guess his comments about relationships would be relevant.


    Anyway, OP. You're starting point in all this should be your wife - both in being guided by your commitment to her and as the person you would ideally talk to.

    Perhaps she would be willing to give you permission to explore but I imagine you know her well enough to know what the answer might be. I'm sure you have plenty of conversations over the years on what your relationship is and should be and what type of commitment you have made to each other.

    Aside from that, is she the person you should be talking to. I know sometimes it may be difficult to talk to your partner about feelings and attractions for another person but while people are quick to point out your obligations to her, hers to you are overlooked. She should hopefully be there for you if you need to work through issues in life - even if it's uncomfortable.

    If the expectation is you'll remain faithful then honour that, but maybe talking to her night help you sort through the feelings, and voicing them might help contextualise them a bit and help resolve any impulse urges.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,734 ✭✭✭J_E


    Deranged96 wrote: »
    Couldn't agree more^^ ;)

    Also Dan Savage is an agony aunt, his throw away remarks shouldn't have a bearing on anything.
    Bit of a throwaway remark there yourself. Not everyone lives by rigid morals. You also agreed with another thing Dan says often, or you're being sarcastic, I am not sure!
    Maybe being younger and inexperienced in long-term relationships my view is more romanticised and less practical than the view of someone hardened by life and cynical to the longevity of monogamous relationships.
    However, when practicality trumps the ideals of love and relationships, and when cracks are plastered over by cheap sexual get-out-of-jail-free cards, something is wrong

    Incredible assumption you make of me! Since when was a relationship supposed to be a 'jail' anyway?


  • Registered Users Posts: 102 ✭✭Dr. Shrike


    Deranged96 wrote: »
    Maybe being younger and inexperienced in long-term relationships my view is more romanticised and less practical than the view of someone hardened by life and cynical to the longevity of monogamous relationships.

    You don't really strike me as that romantic tbh, but hey maybe you're romantic in real life and belligerent on the internet.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,056 ✭✭✭_Redzer_


    Ah, to be 18 again....

    *reminisces*


  • Registered Users Posts: 588 ✭✭✭Deranged96


    Dr. Shrike wrote: »
    You don't really strike me as that romantic tbh, but hey maybe you're romantic in real life and belligerent on the internet.

    :confused: an example of me being belligerent, please?


  • Registered Users Posts: 588 ✭✭✭Deranged96


    =Incredible assumption you make of me! Since when was a relationship supposed to be a 'jail' anyway?

    My humblest of apologies.
    Relationships are not a jail, that's not what I meant, as you know.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,734 ✭✭✭J_E


    Deranged96 wrote: »
    My humblest of apologies.
    Relationships are not a jail, that's not what I meant, as you know.
    Then I think you misunderstood what I meant. Having an open/experimental phase in a healthy relationship doesn't necessarily mean something is broken. No two people on this planet are 100% compatible with each other. Maybe if couples acknowledged this and make it a discussion rather than pretend to be perfect then do it behind each others back (which is asking for big trouble) there may be many more relationships saved. It's up to OP to decide if he wants to pursue this - however, I don't think it's unfeasible for him to honestly discuss this with his wife, and it just might be a curious impulse that gets reassessed when it's taken out of isolation and discussed with someone else. If he doesn't - he doesn't! Think it's pretty silly to castigate him for thinking about it without even taking any action.



    Do believe this is worth watching.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,056 ✭✭✭_Redzer_


    Me and my boyfriend have often gone to get coffee and sat back and watched lads go up and down the street and we'd pick out lads we'd like to ride.

    It's only harmless, but we don't pretend we don't find other lads attractive, because that'd just be a lie. It's just being open and honest to admit to it and talk about it.

    Still, an open relationship isn't our thing and we can talk about anything without the other flying off the handle, so there's never any worry about going behind the others back.

    I guess my point here is that relationships are not black and white, as in in only monogamous are proper relationships, and those in open relationships are just fooling themselves. It's naive thinking and doesn't take into consideration the massive variation and differences in everyone's individual relationship. Different things work for different people.


  • Registered Users Posts: 25,906 ✭✭✭✭Peregrinus


    So, to recap:

    The OP is a happily married man with kids who has never - until now - experienced homosexual attraction. However he has now met a man who might be signalling a sexual interest in him, and he finds himself “intrigued”. He asks three questions.

    1. “Is he interested in me sexually?”

    He could be. On the other hand, he could be just an awkward guy with an inappropriate sense of humour and a poor understanding of social boundaries. There’s a lot of them about.

    2. “Am I an idiot?”

    No. Not yet, anyway.

    3. “What should I do?”

    Beyond experiencing a feeling of intrigue, nothing.

    Unless you really, really want to. In which case . . .

    Step one is to talk to your wife. You’re doing nothing until you’ve done this. You have a huge amount invested in your happy marriage and your kids. You absolutely do not want to stuff this up because you are “intrigued” by the prospect of a same-sex encounter with a socially-maladjusted work colleague. Besides, you have made commitments of fidelity and exclusivity, and you’re not a cheating piece of sh*t, are you? So you need to talk to your wife about what intrigues you, sexually speaking, and negotiate with her what you are both comfortable for you to do with your feelings of intrigue.

    And - you know your wife better than we do, I expect - you may already have a pretty good idea of what her response will be. And that may be a response you don’t want to experience. In which case, don’t raise the issue with your wife, and don’t do anything that you should have discussed with her first.

    You have already mades choice in life which rule out feeling free to explore the intriguing possibilities offered by sexually ambiguous slightly weird work colleagues with no regard to the impact on your relationships or on other people’s lives.


  • Registered Users Posts: 18 darsheblows


    Thanks for all the replies. Although, I'm now more confused than ever. lol.
    I get the message I should talk to my wife, but then a lot of you say, I already know what her answer will be, and I do. So, that's why I wouldn't raise it with her and why the whole thing is idiotic.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,734 ✭✭✭J_E


    Thanks for all the replies. Although, I'm now more confused than ever. lol.
    I get the message I should talk to my wife, but then a lot of you say, I already know what her answer will be, and I do. So, that's why I wouldn't raise it with her and why the whole thing is idiotic.
    I think it's better if you first and foremost ask him to cut it out. Be polite and just suggest that it's making you feel uncomfortable at work, at least then you can take the strange tension (mostly) out of the situation.


  • Registered Users Posts: 18 darsheblows


    The problem is though .. that I', starting to quite enjoy it


  • Registered Users Posts: 25,906 ✭✭✭✭Peregrinus


    If you enjoy it, why is that a problem?

    Take the same-sex thing out of it. If a female work colleague was flirting with you, I can see that you might enjoy that. It's good to have somebody confirm that they find you attractive. Presumably you are mature enough to enjoy that feeling and at the same time not abandon your wife and children and run off with the flirter?

    Fine. Well, this is not very different. This guy (possibly) thinks you are attractive. What's not to enjoy about (possibly) being found attractive? Although it's in a work environment, where it might make you uncomfortable, in reality it doesn't seem to be making you uncomfortable, so no problem there. If he comes on stronger, and it starts to make you uncomfortable, you can tell him to stop, but you don't need to worry about that unless and until it happens.


  • Registered Users Posts: 18 darsheblows


    It's a problem if I enjoy it too much and start to think about taking it further


  • Registered Users Posts: 71 ✭✭Dane29


    Id say if you want it go for it:)


  • Registered Users Posts: 25,906 ✭✭✭✭Peregrinus


    It's a problem if I enjoy it too much and start to think about taking it further
    But we know the ground rules for that, don't we? You don't do anything your wife ought to know about unless she knows about it, and is cool with it.

    You can think about taking it further as much as you like. Everyone gets to fantasise. Actually taking it further, however, falls into the "she has to know, and assent" area.

    A problem only arises if the thought of being unable to actualise your fantasies makes you unhappy. This shouldn't be the case; it would be a sad lookout if we were only allowed to have fantasies that we could actualise. Still, if that is the case for you then you probably are best to avoid these fantasies, and that will be somewhat easier if the guy stops flirting with you. And you're perfectly entitled to ask him to stop. Persistently flirting with somebody who has made it clear that they're not interested makes you a creep.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8 Aplotemerges


    I've read this thread with interest! There are the purists and the not so. Please please please...Darsheblows...Don't Don't discuss this with your wife. It can only lead to grief! Myself...I would absolutely not discuss this matter with my wife unless...I was never ever going to explore this area of my life.

    Having had surgery for cancer my wife encouraged me to see a prostitute for sexual favours from time to time. I didn't and don't but she did say that if I did she would not want to know.

    I believe sexuality is a continuum. There are the absolutely hetro and the absolutely gay..that being said there is a wide band in the middle. I'd say I'm somewhere in there. I've seen cute guys and wondered...hmmm. i see more beautiful girls and wonder the same.

    rant over but hey my tuppence worth is that telling your wife is not a good idea.


  • Registered Users Posts: 102 ✭✭Dr. Shrike


    So do you actually fancy this guy, or is it what he seemingly wants to do to you that turns you on?


  • Registered Users Posts: 18 darsheblows


    Thanks for all the advice again.
    I wouldn't say i fancy him in the same way I'd fancy a beautiful woman, and never have fancied any guy like that. It's more the thoughts of any sexual acts that would turn me on I suppose.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 102 ✭✭Dr. Shrike


    I kind of wondered if you were turned on by the idea of feeling how a woman experiences of sex, but it seems like you're just turned on by sex in an overall sense. I still have no better advice than to be careful. Maybe you should try and get your wife to open up more about her fantasies, without mentioning the man thing, and see where that leads.


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