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Dating someone with a kid

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  • 23-07-2014 6:30pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I've been chatting to this girl for a coffee of days and she seemed pretty nice and in my head I had already decided to ask her out.

    It didn't really come up immediately but before i asked her out she mentioned she had a4yr old kid. I did express my concern that she should prob have mentioned it in her profile. Anyhow she didn't realize she made a mistake, I think she was genuine when she said this, kept taking anyway and eventually asked her out.

    Now I'm wondering maybe I shouldn't have. I've never dated anyone with a kid, I've always said i never would. She knows how I feel about it as she asked and i didn't see the point in not being honest.


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    #2
    blatantrereg
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,743 ✭✭✭blatantrereg


    I think it would be rude to cancel the date at this point for the given reason. There is no reason her child should stop you going on a date with her, whatever your ideas about it. Her having a child will have no effect on a single date. If you don't want a relationship with someone who has a kid that is a separate matter entirely. A date is not a relationship. There is no reason not to go. The only thing you should not do is indicate that you are open to a relationship if you are not. Going on one date does not indicate you are open to a relationship.


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    #3
    Ann84
    Registered Users Posts: 303 ✭✭Ann84


    Your right, you shouldn't have asked her out!

    If you have an issue dating a girl with a kid that is a perfectly reasonable point of view, but don't make her feel bad about it either...

    What is the point in telling her you don't want to date someone with a kid when you know she has a kid... As if there is anything she can do about it?

    I have an 8 year old and met my bf when we were both 27, he had never dated anyone with a kid before... But he didn't bat an eyelid and never made me feel bad, or judged or weird about it, he liked me, and now he likes both of us and 3 years later we all live together.

    If any guy I dated told me he had promised himself he was never going to date someone with a kid, I would have walked before he did to be honest, there are plenty of people who don't have any issue with it.


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    #4
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    I think if you know you don't want to go out with someone who has a kid then don't even go on the date. It wouldn't be fair


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    #5
    blatantrereg
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,743 ✭✭✭blatantrereg


    Can you not just indicate that you aren't open to anything serious and be open to having an enjoyable time together? She might enjoy dating for reasons other than to snare herself a man...


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    #6
    Ann84
    Registered Users Posts: 303 ✭✭Ann84


    Dating isn't 'snaring a man's but it's not a one night stand either!

    If that's what she was looking for OP, I'm sure its indicated on her online dating profile...


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    #7
    blatantrereg
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,743 ✭✭✭blatantrereg


    Well the kid will only effect you if you become serious.
    Odds are you won't even meet the kid otherwise.
    Wasn't suggesting a one night stand


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    #8
    Dark Phoenix
    Registered Users Posts: 1,185 ✭✭✭Dark Phoenix


    If you definitely don't want to date anyone with a kid if suggest don't go in te date and when chatting to other people online just ask the question before you ask them out.
    Personally having gone out for a lot of years with someone divorced with kids I am just not ever willing to go out with someone again who has children. I know that other people won't mind (I didnt used to before going out with two people who had them) and some people would be very positive about it.
    Your entitled to your own view and preferences but I wouldn't refer to her not telling you as a mistake she just may not have realised it would be a problem to some people


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    #9
    Ann84
    Registered Users Posts: 303 ✭✭Ann84


    Well as long as you are suggesting that the OP is as honest with his intentions as he is with his opinions that should be fine...

    Although I doubt it, anyone who didn't like me for the fact that I had a child wouldnt have really been my type... For dating or anything else to be fair however, one way to find out OP

    ...ask


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    #10
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Op here thanks for the replies, im not verybgood at writing these things explaining myself.

    She knows I wouldn't like to have kids yet, which isnt really relevant to this, and that ive never dated anyone with a kid before, i also told her if the right person came along that I wouldn't let a kid put me of entirely. She also said she wouldnt be introducing her kid to amyone for a long time yet.

    I cant just cancell on her for no apparent reason also she seems real nice and interesting and im looking forward to meering her, even after she said she had a child, i just dont know how things will work out but im not going to be dishonnest if it comes up


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    #11
    Chara1001
    Registered Users Posts: 291 ✭✭Chara1001


    Actually i agree she should have made it clear she had a child in her profile and i can't see how it would slip her mind to include it. Its not like she can hide it.

    That said, if i were her and you told me you didn't want to date someone with a child- well that would be that then, there'd be no way i would agree to go on a date with you, and to be honest, i'm not sure why you asked. I'm not even sure you should go on it.

    I'm a single mother and was out with friends recently where i chatted to some guy who asked for my number, the first thing i told him was that i had a child. He said that was grand and we met for coffee soon after. That went fine and neither of us contacted each other again.
    From my point of view, i'm really seriously not comfortable about meeting someone at the moment but I was thinking about his POV, where he might have realized that he would prefer to meet someone without a child. This is totally fine and fair, and has to be expected when one person has a child.

    There are a lot of mixed messages in your post, if you were meeting as friends- fine, but i don't see the point of going on dates together if you both already know that it's destined for nowhere.

    I think that if you're more open to dating a woman with a child than you thought, go on the date. But if you're definite about your position then cancel it.


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    #12
    Tramps Like Us
    Registered Users Posts: 1,066 ✭✭✭Tramps Like Us


    Its a messy situation, and you are better off without. It was bad form of her not to mention that she had a kid on her profile - otherwise you wouldn't have messaged her. So don't feel bad about bailing on the date. You have to ask yourself if its really worth the hassle - you always said you wouldnt date someone with a kid, why change your ind now? You mightnt meet the kid for a while but its not going away.


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    #13
    lazybones32
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,647 ✭✭✭lazybones32


    123ophere wrote: »
    Op here thanks for the replies, im not verybgood at writing these things explaining myself.

    She knows I wouldn't like to have kids yet, which isnt really relevant to this, and that ive never dated anyone with a kid before, i also told her if the right person came along that I wouldn't let a kid put me of entirely. She also said she wouldnt be introducing her kid to amyone for a long time yet.

    I cant just cancell on her for no apparent reason also she seems real nice and interesting and im looking forward to meering her, even after she said she had a child, i just dont know how things will work out but im not going to be dishonnest if it comes up

    I'm of a similar opinion: I don't want to date a woman who has a child. This isn't always a popular view with others but it is mine and I'm allowed to have my own standards.
    If it bothers you to the point of not wanting to go out with her, be straight but tactful. (You can tell anyone, anything, if you phrase it correctly and they'll still respect you). If you want to cancel the date, do so. She's not entitled to your full reason but she deserves an honest answer. Think on it and choose your words wisely.


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    #14
    Aidan Holland
    Registered Users Posts: 51 ✭✭Aidan Holland


    I personally would go out with a girl that has 1 child from a previous relationship but if she has 2 or more kids no way. The reason being is that there is a chance of her having more children with the one child. If she has 2 or more there is little chance of her having more children.


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    #15
    diveout
    Closed Accounts Posts: 746 ✭✭✭diveout


    123ophere wrote: »
    Op here thanks for the replies, im not verybgood at writing these things explaining myself.

    She knows I wouldn't like to have kids yet, which isnt really relevant to this, and that ive never dated anyone with a kid before, i also told her if the right person came along that I wouldn't let a kid put me of entirely. She also said she wouldnt be introducing her kid to amyone for a long time yet.

    I cant just cancell on her for no apparent reason also she seems real nice and interesting and im looking forward to meering her, even after she said she had a child, i just dont know how things will work out but im not going to be dishonnest if it comes up

    Yes you can and you should. If you have already decided this then don't waste her time.

    If she has a kid she will have to organise and pay for babysitting to date you. It will probably cost her an extra E40 for the evening. SIngle mothers have no margins for error. You are wasting her time and her money. Don't be a coward. Cancel and tell her why. Tell her you didn't know she had a child when you asked her out and now that you know, it's better that you be upfront about where you stand.


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    #16
    gigglemuch82
    Registered Users Posts: 66 ✭✭gigglemuch82


    I completely agree with other posters. I'm a girl in my 30's and if I knew the guy had a child, I wouldn't go out with him. I also think it is a bit weird that she didn't say it from the get go - I would find that very weird.

    It is just as simple as a personal preference and there is no explanation for it - I think. You are in a different stage in life and she will respect that. Honestly is always the best policy.


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