Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on [email protected] for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact [email protected]

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

14849515354327

Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,963 ✭✭✭Podge2k7


    What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
    ilickalottapuss


  • Registered Users Posts: 528 ✭✭✭Fozzydog3


    A guy walks into a synagogue and goes up to the rabbi and says
    "Hey I'd like to convert to judaism "
    the rabbi goes "sure no problem that'll be 50 quid"
    astonished the man goes "50 quid ! are you having a laugh ? theres no way im paying 50 quid for that!"
    to which the rabbi responds "you're in"


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,508 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    TokenWhite wrote: »
    A platypus walks into a bar. They are the only mammals with the ability to lay an egg.
    Echidna


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 845 ✭✭✭yupyup7up


    Just got the script for the new Asterix movie :
    ************************************************************

    *************************************************************************

    *************************************************************************

    *************************************************************************

    ********


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,129 ✭✭✭R P McMurphy


    My deaf girlfriend dumped me for one of her deaf friends ...I'm devastated, I should have seen the signs


  • Advertisement
  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,129 ✭✭✭R P McMurphy


    My missus says she can tell how good a film is by how many tissues she goes through watching it.

    Strangely, I have a similar system.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,129 ✭✭✭R P McMurphy


    How can you tell when a woman from Carlow is having a period?

    She'll only be wearing one sock.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,207 ✭✭✭The King of Moo


    An Irishman walks into a job interview in London. The interviewer wants to test his lateral thinking and creativity, so he asks Paddy to represent the number nine on a piece of paper without writing any numbers.

    Paddy thinks for a second then draws three pictures of trees. "Dere ya are!"

    The interviewer, puzzled, says "Explain that please."

    "Well, it's tree trees. Tree trees is nine!"

    "Ok, very good Paddy" the interviewer says, "but I bet you can't represent ninety-nine!"

    Without hesitation, Paddy licks his finger and smudges the three pictures. "Dere ya are!

    "There I am what!?" sniffs the interviewer.

    "Dirty tree, dirty tree an' dirty tree: ninety-nine!"

    The interviewer is a bit annoyed now and wants to really test Paddy.
    "Right then, there's no way you can represent one hundred!"

    Again without hesitation, Paddy draws a little piece of dog poo beside each tree.

    "Now what have you done, you silly little man!" the interviewer cries, "you've just drawn some poo!"

    "Exactly" Paddy replies, "dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an' dirty tree and a turd makes one hundred! Now when do I start?"


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,288 ✭✭✭TheUsual


    Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!"

    Nelson says to him, "Look my friend, you've obviously got the wrong address. Please go away", and shuts the door in his face.

    The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong address! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

    The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same Chinese man thrusts a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

    This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong address! Who do you want to give these to ?"

    The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says :

    "You not Nissan Maindealer?"


  • Registered Users Posts: 136 ✭✭Ben Moore


    A Moth visits an osteopath who is just closing for the night but agrees to see him.

    "What's the matter Mr. Moth?"

    "I'm depressed, the recession has made me lose my job, my wife has left me and i can't look into the faces of my children without crying."

    The Osteopath sympathises but replies
    "You should be seeing a psychiatrist, why did you come here?"

    The moth replies
    "Because you're light was on."


  • Advertisement


  • Ben Moore wrote: »
    A Moth visits an osteopath who is just closing for the night but agrees to see him.

    "What's the matter Mr. Moth?"

    "I'm depressed, the recession has made me lose my job, my wife has left me and i can't look into the faces of my children without crying."

    The Osteopath sympathises but replies
    "You should be seeing a psychiatrist, why did you come here?"

    The moth replies
    "Because you're light was on."

    Better heard than read :)



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,940 ✭✭✭4leto


    I went to the doctor and he told me to stop ****,,I said why,,because I am trying to examine you.


  • Registered Users Posts: 11,224 ✭✭✭✭Marty McFly


    What did the boy with no arms or legs get for Christmas?




    Cancer.



    :eek::eek::eek: to much for here maybe.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,676 ✭✭✭zimmermania


    Afaith healer comes to town and a large crowd are assembled in the parish hall. He invites people to be healed to come forward and explain whats wrong with them.A man on crutches announces that his name is christy he suffers from polio and is unable to walk without crutches. The healer lays his hands on Christeys knees,he chants "with these hands i heal thee"He then tells Christy to go behind a large curtain and meditate for a few minutes.The next person up announces his name is John and he has a hair lip and is unable to speak properly The healer puts his hands on Johns lips saying "with these hands John i heal thee,now go behind the curtain and meditate for a few minutes.The faith heal then shouts in a loud voice "Christy throw forth your crutches the hushed crowd gasp as the crutches come flying into the hall,the healer then screams "John John SPEAK TO ME SPEAK the crowd by now on the edge of their seats wait in anticipation until they hear a voice fom behind the curtain sayCRITTY ID ATTER FALLIN DOWN ON THE GGROUD/


  • Registered Users Posts: 191 ✭✭Scealta_saol


    Afaith healer comes to town and a large crowd are assembled in the parish hall. He invites people to be healed to come forward and explain whats wrong with them.A man on crutches announces that his name is christy he suffers from polio and is unable to walk without crutches. The healer lays his hands on Christeys knees,he chants "with these hands i heal thee"He then tells Christy to go behind a large curtain and meditate for a few minutes.The next person up announces his name is John and he has a hair lip and is unable to speak properly The healer puts his hands on Johns lips saying "with these hands John i heal thee,now go behind the curtain and meditate for a few minutes.The faith heal then shouts in a loud voice "Christy throw forth your crutches the hushed crowd gasp as the crutches come flying into the hall,the healer then screams "John John SPEAK TO ME SPEAK the crowd by now on the edge of their seats wait in anticipation until they hear a voice fom behind the curtain sayCRITTY ID ATTER FALLIN DOWN ON THE GGROUD/

    :confused::confused::confused:


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,008 ✭✭✭not yet


    Man writes to agony aunt in the paper...........

    Dear Ann, Whilst in my back bedroom last week I noticed next doors neighbour's 14 year old daughter sunbathing topless.............

    I whipped out my langer and started to **** furiously, after a while I noticed my wife standing behind me with her arms crossed....

    My question..............................Is she a pervert!!!!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,857 ✭✭✭Reloc8


    What did the boy with no arms or legs get for Christmas?




    Cancer.



    :eek::eek::eek: to much for here maybe.

    No just completely unfunny.

    But yes you are awful hardcore controversial etc etc etc zzzzzzzz


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,676 ✭✭✭zimmermania


    :confused::confused::confused:
    you just gotta say it out loud man


  • Registered Users Posts: 191 ✭✭Scealta_saol


    you just gotta say it out loud man


    I tried :( But I was never so good at accents etc.. Just put me up as a lost cause :)


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,255 ✭✭✭getz


    I tried :( But I was never so good at accents etc.. Just put me up as a lost cause :)
    paddy said ,what ever you do, dont get a labrador,notice how many people who are blind have them


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 6,461 ✭✭✭--Kaiser--


    getz wrote: »
    paddy said ,what ever you do, dont get a labrador,notice how many people who are blind have them

    Not a great joke teller, are you?

    It's
    Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a labrador.
    "**** off" say's Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,992 ✭✭✭Wossack


    Reminds me of:

    A blond comes home to her front door open and her house ransacked. She calls the gardai and explains the robbery. A member of the garda dog unit is nearby and is sent over. He arrives, dog in tow, and as as soon as the blond sees him, she bursts into tears. The gardai asks the woman "whats the matter?" and she responds "I come home to the worst day of my life and they send me a blind cop!"


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,255 ✭✭✭getz


    --Kaiser-- wrote: »
    Not a great joke teller, are you?

    It's
    Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a labrador.
    "**** off" say's Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
    i have a excuse,i am english


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 20 Maloney33


    sh__93 wrote: »
    I'm not Jewish. But 6,000,000 people died in the holocaust. Making jokes about a tragedy like this is unacceptable Ann Frankly i won't stand for it!

    I bet Anne Frank would be pissed if she realized everyone was reading her diary


  • Registered Users Posts: 36 Bogger_92


    Im really glad there are no more jokes going around about the holocaust, they're really close to home for me, as my grandfather dies in auschwitz...



    He fell out of his machine gun tower and died...

    :P


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,879 ✭✭✭Coriolanus


    Bogger_92 wrote: »
    Im really glad there are no more jokes going around about the holocaust, they're really close to home for me, as my grandfather dies in auschwitz...



    He fell out of his machine gun tower and died...

    :P
    I find that joke horribly offensive. My grandfather was treated absolutely horrifically by the Germans in Dachau. :(



    His superior officer passed him over for promotion again and again.


  • Registered Users Posts: 136 ✭✭Ben Moore



    Ha i stole it and shortened it from Norm McDonald who stole it from the driver who brought him to the show!


  • Registered Users Posts: 23 pulled pubes


    What do you call an ethiopian with his arse in the air??

    A trocaire box

    This still makes me howl.


  • Registered Users Posts: 620 ✭✭✭Laika1986


    What did the Jewish Paedophile say to the kid in the van?

    "Give me back them sweets"


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 7,171 ✭✭✭af_thefragile


    What's the difference bettween USA and Yoghurt?
    A.
    Yoghurt has some culture in it.


    sorry....


This discussion has been closed.
Advertisement