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The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,006 ✭✭✭thebullkf


    fook me.. BEST JOKES??????


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 874 ✭✭✭Ali Babba


    Did you hear about the Kerryman who thought Hertz Van Rental was a dutch artist and who thought Manuel Labour was the Spanish ambassador.

    Who was the first traveller in the bible? Hosanna in the Hi Ace.
    When was a motorbike first mentioned in the bible? You could hear the roar of Moses Triumph.

    The first mention of elasticity in the bible? When Jesus tied his ass to the post and walked for forty days.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,574 ✭✭✭falan


    thebullkf wrote: »
    fook me.. BEST JOKES??????

    I could never post my best jokes here. Too many people would take offence.:)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 15,515 ✭✭✭✭admiralofthefleet


    My 15 year old daughter says she wants an Eye pad for Christmas because they're the 'must have gift'

    Boots do them for a fiver. I'm so glad she doesn't want anything expensive this year.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,174 ✭✭✭jiltloop


    What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
    A carrot.



    What's black and white and eats like a horse?
    A zebra.



    What's the difference between rape and cheesy popcorn?
    I don't like cheesy popcorn.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 64 ✭✭35x


    Ali Babba wrote: »
    Did you hear about the Kerryman who thought Hertz Van Rental was a dutch artist and who thought Manuel Labour was the Spanish ambassador.

    Who was the first traveller in the bible? Hosanna in the Hi Ace.
    When was a motorbike first mentioned in the bible? You could hear the roar of Moses Triumph.

    The first mention of elasticity in the bible? When Jesus tied his ass to the post and walked for forty days.
    First mention of athletics in Bible...
    When Our lord cleared the Temple

    First mention of medication in Bible...
    When brought down the Tablets from the mountain (in Triumph!!!!!! )

    I thought Manual Labour was a Spanish Obstetrician


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 6,151 ✭✭✭Thomas_S_Hunterson


    A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "why the long face?". The horse doesn't respond because it is a horse. It can neither speak nor understand english. It is confused by its surroundings and gallops out of the bar, knocking over a few tables.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 234 ✭✭Bjorn Bored.


    whats the most confusing day of the year in tallaght?

    fathers day.

    whats the difference between aids and cancer?

    visitors.

    all i can think of this late hr.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,658 ✭✭✭policarp


    A young boy wanders into a building site and the builders look after him until his mother is found. When his distraught mother finds him and brings him home, nothing will pacify the lad until he gets some building blocks.
    She gets him the blocks and he plays away for hours. He builds a wall and his mother says "my son you've built a lovely wall" and the young lad says "no it's not, it's a gee hair off plumb."
    When his mother hears this foul language she tells him to gather up all the blocks and go to bed.
    "I will in my bollox", he says "that's a labourers job."


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,284 ✭✭✭Gerard.C


    Changing the title of the film Catcher In The Rye to Catch Her In Her Eye

    Also Schindlers List to Schindlers Fist


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  • Registered Users Posts: 426 ✭✭ddef


    Gerard.C wrote: »
    Changing the title of the film Catcher In The Rye to Catch Her In Her Eye

    Also Schindlers List to Schindlers Fist

    Shaving Ryans Privates is a must too.


  • Registered Users Posts: 335 ✭✭markfla


    35x wrote: »
    First mention of athletics in Bible...
    When Our lord cleared the Temple

    First mention of medication in Bible...
    When brought down the Tablets from the mountain (in Triumph!!!!!! )

    I thought Manual Labour was a Spanish Obstetrician

    First mention of soccer in the bible.....
    Jesus goes for the cross


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,621 ✭✭✭Jaafa


    What do you call a chav in a box?
    Init


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 334 ✭✭zeusnero


    One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

    Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?" "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

    "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde ... Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years." Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

    At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

    With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don' t tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"


  • Registered Users Posts: 115 ✭✭HornyDevil


    Three bodies get taken in to the morgue one night, and each has a big grin on their faces.

    The undertaker says to the policeman "Strange to have three at the same time, and all with such big grins".

    The policeman replies "Well, the first one died having sex with his mistress. The second won the lottery and died of alcoholic poisoning. The third one is a little unusual; that's Paddy from Dublin, and he got struck by a bolt of lightning. The daft bugger thought he was having his picture taken".


  • Registered Users Posts: 395 ✭✭superelliptic


    yeah, but its better not to see the punchline as you move onto the next post, esp for short jokes.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,038 ✭✭✭jackiebaron


    What do George Michael and wellington boots have in common?

    They both get sucked off in bogs.


  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Politics Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 81,310 CMod ✭✭✭✭coffee_cake


    zeusnero wrote: »
    One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

    Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit.

    I thought this was going to turn into the gocompare ad :pac:


  • Registered Users Posts: 395 ✭✭superelliptic


    Who is the smartest guy in the army?

    General Knowledge

    ______________________________________________________


    My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.

    "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

    ______________________________________________________

    A monastery decided to start a fish and chip shop. When it opened, a customer comes in and asks one of the clerics: Are you the fish fryer? No, the cleric answers, I'm the chip monk!

    :pac: :pac: :pac:



    Chipmonk - legend! :D:D:D


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,028 ✭✭✭Lockstep


    What did the leper say to the prostitute?

    Keep the tip.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,447 ✭✭✭richymcdermott




  • Registered Users Posts: 156 ✭✭Little Mickey


    A nun was driving in the countryside in Co. Armagh when her car ran out of petrol.


    She walked down a lane to a farm nearby and met the farmer who she asked for help. The farmer said that he has some petrol that he can give her but that he has no container to put it in.
    He then realised that he has a chamber pot in the shed so he filled it with petrol and gave it to the nun.


    The nun walked back to her car and began to fill it with the petrol from the chamber pot.
    As she is filling it a large black Mercedes-Benz carrying Ian Paisley came along and pulled up beside to her.


    Paisley let down the window and said to the nun
    "Ma'am I have no time for your religon but I admire your faith"


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,435 ✭✭✭ilovelamp2000


    falan wrote: »
    I could never post my best jokes here. Too many people would take offence.:)

    They seem to get deleted anyway. No need.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,331 ✭✭✭Guill


    A boy asks his Dad what's the difference between a fanny and a cnut.
    The dad says 'come here i'll show you'.
    The dad brings the boy up to the room where the mother is asleep.
    Dad then whips of the covers to reveal his naked wife.
    You see that? he says pointing between the mothers legs.
    That's a fanny.
    The rest of her's a Cnut.


  • Registered Users Posts: 44 Monkey_Pirate


    How many Irish men does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Oh don't worry Son, I'll just sit here in the dark... going blind...

    A woman pregnant with triplets is shot three times in the stomach during a robbery. It's too risky to remove the bullets, but she makes a miraculous recovery and the three children grow up healthy.

    One day her daughter comes running in clearly upset; "Mammy mammy I went for a pee and a bullet shot out!". The Mother calmly explains what happened.

    The next day her other daughter comes running to her claiming the same problem. The mother explains again.

    The day after that her son comes flying in; "MAM!! MAM!" The mother starts; "Its okay son, I can explain!"

    He yells,
    "NO MAM, I WAS HAVING A W*NK AND SHOT THE DOG!"


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,040 ✭✭✭yuloni


    This post has been deleted.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,008 ✭✭✭not yet


    A man get a FINAL REMINDER from the sheriff, turns to his wife and says........
    .thank god I want have to hear from them again.


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,461 ✭✭✭--Kaiser--


    I came home to my wife one evening with a big bunch of flowers and she says "I suppose this means I have to get on my back with my legs open for the next three days".
    And I said, "Why? Don't you have any vases?"


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 697 ✭✭✭gent9662


    Soon after the Air France crash off the coast Brazil, three black women are on board a flight from Nigeria to America. Whilst over the sea it is suddenly announced that the plane is going to have to ditch into the Atlantic.

    So the first black woman turns to the other two and say's "Hey girls, I'm not worried about ditching into the sea!, I have a big pair of luminous knickers, so when the plane goes down the rescue chopper will see my yellow luminous knickers and pick me up first".

    The second lady laughs and says, "you have yellow luminous ones?, hell I have red and green luminous ones so I will be picked up first".

    The third lady looks smug and says to the other two "I have no knickers on you silly b1tches, don't you know the first thing they look for is the black box!"


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  • Registered Users Posts: 9,028 ✭✭✭Lockstep


    A kid goes up to her mam: "Mammy mammy, why am I called Petal?"
    The mother replies "When I was pregnant with you, a petal landed on my stomach, I thought it was a sign so I named you after the petal"

    Petal's brother runs up, "Mammy, mammy; why am I called Twig?"
    "When I was pregnant with you, a twig landed on my stomach, I thought it was a sign so I named you after the twig"

    Their sibling runs up " HURR DURR, HERPITY DURP"
    "Shut up Fridge"

    ==========================================

    Little Johnny runs into his room and sees his parents having sex, he screams and his dad just laughs and kicks him out of the room.
    Later on the dad hears noises coming out of Johnny's room anf runs up to see Johnny having sex with his grandmother, The dad stands there with shock on his face until Johnny turns around and laughs "It's not so funny when it's your mam is it?"


This discussion has been closed.
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