Coming out Bi

BlondieG · 17-02-2014 12:36pm #1

Hi All,
After many years of suppression , I finally admitted to myself that I am bisexual about 6 months ago. I'm married with kids, my husband knows and also a family member who been great. While on one hand I feel relieved to finally acknowledege this part of me , the problem is my lesbian side has gone into a bit of overdrive after being emotionally locked up all these years i guess

I am looking and thinking about women a lot. I am feeling very scared and guilty about this especially because I'm married. I do know I definitely am sexually attracted to men too ( esp my husband) but my sexual thoughts are much more focused on women at the moment. Anybody gone through this ? I just don't have anyone to talk to completely openly about this. The LGBT helpine is only open evenings and I cant' talk then. I am hoping this is part of the process and that these emotions and feelings will calm down.

Yer_Wan · 18-02-2014 12:00am

BlondieG wrote: »

Hi All,
After many years of suppression , I finally admitted to myself that I am bisexual about 6 months ago. I'm married with kids, my husband knows and also a family member who been great. While on one hand I feel relieved to finally acknowledege this part of me , the problem is my lesbian side has gone into a bit of overdrive after being emotionally locked up all these years i guess I am looking and thinking about women a lot. I am feeling very scared and guilty about this especially because I'm married. I do know I definitely am sexually attracted to men too ( esp my husband) but my sexual thoughts are much more focused on women at the moment. Anybody gone through this ? I just don't have anyone to talk to completely openly about this. The LGBT helpine is only open evenings and I cant' talk then. I am hoping this is part of the process and that these emotions and feelings will calm down.

Hi Blondie G
I know pretty much how you feel. I've know I'm bi since I was about 16. It's now six years later and I still haven't told anyone, bar my ex boyfriend. I don't know why I haven't come out, but I think like you I'm afraid there's no one to talk to about it.

And yes, at the moment girls are pretty much all I can think of.

If you ever wan to talk, come to me

Battered tackies · 18-02-2014 12:18am

Hi! I'm new on this forum and posted a thread that is vaguely similar to this.

I can't imagine how it must feel to have built a life for yourself and then to have a repressed aspect to your sexuality shake you.
I hope your problem abates and you can relax and have your sexuality fit comfortably in your mind and your marriage

BlondieG · 18-02-2014 8:39pm

Yer_Wan wrote: »

Hi Blondie G
I know pretty much how you feel. I've know I'm bi since I was about 16. It's now six years later and I still haven't told anyone, bar my ex boyfriend. I don't know why I haven't come out, but I think like you I'm afraid there's no one to talk to about it.

And yes, at the moment girls are pretty much all I can think of.

If you ever wan to talk, come to me

Cheers for that, well if you are anything like me at 22 you haven't come out because you are not ready and you have to go by that. All I would say to you is try not to wait until you are married. Those supressed emotions have no where to go i.e you can't act on your new found sexuality without causing chaois or doing something wrong
Best of luck figuring it out

emmabelle · 19-02-2014 10:28am

I realised about 14 I was bi but thankfully my group of friends were amazingly supportive and non judgemental. You probably shouldn't cheat on hubby (not that I'm suggesting your planning on it) but perhaps theres someone close who you can trust with any secret. A problem shared is a problem halved.

floggg · 19-02-2014 11:51am

BlondieG wrote: »

Hi All,
After many years of suppression , I finally admitted to myself that I am bisexual about 6 months ago. I'm married with kids, my husband knows and also a family member who been great. While on one hand I feel relieved to finally acknowledege this part of me , the problem is my lesbian side has gone into a bit of overdrive after being emotionally locked up all these years i guess I am looking and thinking about women a lot. I am feeling very scared and guilty about this especially because I'm married. I do know I definitely am sexually attracted to men too ( esp my husband) but my sexual thoughts are much more focused on women at the moment. Anybody gone through this ? I just don't have anyone to talk to completely openly about this. The LGBT helpine is only open evenings and I cant' talk then. I am hoping this is part of the process and that these emotions and feelings will calm down.

Have you talked about how your feeling with your husband?

Blogatron52 · 19-02-2014 10:59pm

Hey BlondieG.. Genuine interest in your story! Did you ever think up until 6 months ago that you might feel this way? How are you feeling now? Relieved? Is your husband ok with it all?
I'm asking because I'm currently confused myself! I'm the opposite to you in that I'm a girl who has only ever been with girls.. I've never told anyone and it's stressful!! But as I get older I'm thinking.. Do i like guys? It's hard to know if I do..or if I'm just scared...and think I should?!
We'll done for being brave and having the courage to be you! I'm freaking out even writing this post!

BlondieG · 20-02-2014 10:09pm

Blogatron52 wrote: »

Hey BlondieG.. Genuine interest in your story! Did you ever think up until 6 months ago that you might feel this way? How are you feeling now? Relieved? Is your husband ok with it all?
I'm asking because I'm currently confused myself! I'm the opposite to you in that I'm a girl who has only ever been with girls.. I've never told anyone and it's stressful!! But as I get older I'm thinking.. Do i like guys? It's hard to know if I do..or if I'm just scared...and think I should?!
We'll done for being brave and having the courage to be you! I'm freaking out even writing this post!

Yep he was the first person I told...He was obviously a bit surprised as it seemed to come out of no where. I think when it initally sunk in he was a bit nervous that I was setting the scene for doing a runner with a girl which is not the case

He seems to be fine with it now. I have liked girls too since I was about 18 but since I met him I wasn't interested in looking at either sex. Back in sept I was out one night ( without him) and a very attractive girl came on to me ... nothing happened but got me thinking about my past. I do feel better since I've acknowledged it but still a long way to go to get some sort of balance as I'm very happy with my lot and don't want to mess it up.

Sorry to hear you are freaking out. It can be just as hard coming at it from your side. Sexuality unfortunately isn't black and white. Do try and speak to someone that will be supportive. Talking about it to someone can really lift a weight off your shoulders. It seems at the moment everyone around or in the media is obsessed with sexuality. Follow your heart

Blogatron52 · 21-02-2014 12:39am

Best of luck to you BlondieG

BonnieSituation · 13-10-2014 9:24pm

BlondieG wrote: »

Hi All,
After many years of suppression , I finally admitted to myself that I am bisexual about 6 months ago. I'm married with kids, my husband knows and also a family member who been great. While on one hand I feel relieved to finally acknowledege this part of me , the problem is my lesbian side has gone into a bit of overdrive after being emotionally locked up all these years i guess I am looking and thinking about women a lot. I am feeling very scared and guilty about this especially because I'm married. I do know I definitely am sexually attracted to men too ( esp my husband) but my sexual thoughts are much more focused on women at the moment. Anybody gone through this ? I just don't have anyone to talk to completely openly about this. The LGBT helpine is only open evenings and I cant' talk then. I am hoping this is part of the process and that these emotions and feelings will calm down.

It's funny how you say your lesbian side has gone into overdrive.

In the same situation as yourself; my gay side has gone mental since I came out earlier this year. Like you I'm in a relationship and everything is great and she is nothing but supportive to me. It's just funny how the same situations play themselves out for everybody in similar situations.

irish_dave_83 · 14-10-2014 12:29pm

BlondieG wrote: »

Yep he was the first person I told...He was obviously a bit surprised as it seemed to come out of no where. I think when it initally sunk in he was a bit nervous that I was setting the scene for doing a runner with a girl which is not the case He seems to be fine with it now. I have liked girls too since I was about 18 but since I met him I wasn't interested in looking at either sex. Back in sept I was out one night ( without him) and a very attractive girl came on to me ... nothing happened but got me thinking about my past. I do feel better since I've acknowledged it but still a long way to go to get some sort of balance as I'm very happy with my lot and don't want to mess it up.

Sorry to hear you are freaking out. It can be just as hard coming at it from your side. Sexuality unfortunately isn't black and white. Do try and speak to someone that will be supportive. Talking about it to someone can really lift a weight off your shoulders. It seems at the moment everyone around or in the media is obsessed with sexuality. Follow your heart

Have you talked to your husband about acting on bi tendancies? I would imagine that at some level that he is expecting this conversation. Perhaps get him involved, although it might not be his or your cup of tea, it is something to consider and still stay faithful.

irish_dave_83 · 14-10-2014 12:32pm

BlondieG wrote: »

Yep he was the first person I told...He was obviously a bit surprised as it seemed to come out of no where. I think when it initally sunk in he was a bit nervous that I was setting the scene for doing a runner with a girl which is not the case He seems to be fine with it now. I have liked girls too since I was about 18 but since I met him I wasn't interested in looking at either sex. Back in sept I was out one night ( without him) and a very attractive girl came on to me ... nothing happened but got me thinking about my past. I do feel better since I've acknowledged it but still a long way to go to get some sort of balance as I'm very happy with my lot and don't want to mess it up.

Sorry to hear you are freaking out. It can be just as hard coming at it from your side. Sexuality unfortunately isn't black and white. Do try and speak to someone that will be supportive. Talking about it to someone can really lift a weight off your shoulders. It seems at the moment everyone around or in the media is obsessed with sexuality. Follow your heart

Have you talked to your husband about actually wishing to act on your bi tendancies? I would imagine that at some level that he is expecting this conversation. Perhaps get him involved(3some), although it might not be his or your cup of tea, it is something to consider whilst staying faithful. I know its not all about sex but its certainly a factor.

Ambersky · 14-10-2014 12:57pm

irish dave 83 contributes
Perhaps get him involved(3some), although it might not be his or your cup of tea, it is something to consider whilst staying faithful

Ah sure isnt that what us women are here for making sure the op stays faithful to her husband despite the opposite sex couples reticence, both of them doing one for the marriage as it were. :rolleyes:

irish_dave_83 · 07-11-2014 2:02pm

Ambersky wrote: »

Ah sure isnt that what us women are here for making sure the op stays faithful to her husband despite the opposite sex couples reticence, both of them doing one for the marriage as it were. :rolleyes:

It appears that she wants to stay faithful, so it was quite a reasonable suggestion, regardless of your comment. I was merely suggesting to her that it would be easier to act on her tendancies with her husbands consent. Perhaps that went over your head? :rolleyes:

Chunners · 07-11-2014 7:11pm

Ambersky wrote: »

Ah sure isnt that what us women are here for making sure the op stays faithful to her husband despite the opposite sex couples reticence, both of them doing one for the marriage as it were. :rolleyes:

To be honest he has a valid suggestion, I am assuming by the fact that you made a point of pointing out that they are an opposite sex couple you are lesbian and are assuming Dave meant have a threesome with another lesbian and thats what has gotten you on your high horse? No one said it has to be a lesbian, it would work just as well (if not better) if she could find a willing bisexual woman and, if the amount of times myself and my GF have been propositioned for threesomes by guys is anything to go by, I doubt her husband would be too freaked out by the idea either.

Ambersky · 09-11-2014 9:34pm

I am assuming by the fact that you made a point of pointing out that they are an opposite sex couple you are ........................................

Easy on the assumptions there Chunners . You are making one inaccurate assumption after another about what I mean and where Im coming from and running with it.

Yes I know really really well and from experience after experience that this idea of a threesome is one of the most common fantasies men have about women who are attracted to other women. It also isnt news to me that the husband probably wouldnt be too freaked out by it either, despite the suggestion being put forward initially that it might not be his cup of tea.
The theory that this then makes the opposite sex couple faithful to one another is a new one on me though.

The idea that just because someone is bisexual they are more likely to be comfortable with the suggestion of a threesome is something not all bisexuals are happy about.

Peregrinus · 10-11-2014 3:09am

A couple who are having threesomes (or more) are not "being faithful" in the sense of being monogamous or sexually exclusive. It doesn't matter whether the additional party is a man, a woman or an entire branch of the ICA.

Of course they may well be "being faithful" in the sense of observing the commitments that they make to one other - depending on what those commitments are. Assuming (and, yes, it is an assumption) that the initial understanding of the OP and her husband was of conventional monogamous exclusivity, the OP could now open up conversations with her husband with a view to renegotiating their commitments in a way that would give her room to explore her bisexuality. Whether he would be open to that, and on what terms, is of course not something that there is any point in us guessing at; it will be a delicate and intimate conversation which, I suspect, would have to unfold at a fairly measured pace while people accustomed themselves to new realities, and considered their feelings about them. There is no particular reasons to think that man-woman-woman threesomes are the way the way forward here - either or both of them might be repelled by the idea - or that threesomes would be more "faithful" than any other kind of opening up of their marriage that they might agree on.

irish_dave_83 · 10-11-2014 10:16am

Ambersky wrote: »

Easy on the assumptions there Chunners . You are making one inaccurate assumption after another about what I mean and where Im coming from and running with it.

Yes I know really really well and from experience after experience that this idea of a threesome is one of the most common fantasies men have about women who are attracted to other women. It also isnt news to me that the husband probably wouldnt be too freaked out by it either, despite the suggestion being put forward initially that it might not be his cup of tea.
The theory that this then makes the opposite sex couple faithful to one another is a new one on me though.

The idea that just because someone is bisexual they are more likely to be comfortable with the suggestion of a threesome is something not all bisexuals are happy about.

No one is suggesting that bisexuals would be comfortbale with this course of action. I suggested that she talk to her husband about it to get his consent. Then they need to find someone that will be comfortable with it. It may well be a fantasy for men to sleep with two women and there is nothing wrong with that, but the fantasy ends for some of men when your wife(who has just come out as bi) gets involved and there is a chance for the fantasy to become a reality, there would be alot of self conscious issues there(e.g. "What if she enjoys it more with her etc".). So i repeat, in effect it may not be his cup of tea. It thats the case, the need to decide on what happens next - Stay together, break-up or revisit the issue in time.

Does it make the couple faithful to each other if this fantasy is acted out? Not in the conventional sense no, but each couple can decide there own level of faithfulness and if they are both sure, I see no harm. It happens all the time - Play together only.

Im not sure I get your issue with my original comment, other than me perhaps not spelling it out for you.

irish_dave_83 · 10-11-2014 10:19am

Ambersky wrote: »

Easy on the assumptions there Chunners . You are making one inaccurate assumption after another about what I mean and where Im coming from and running with it.

Yes I know really really well and from experience after experience that this idea of a threesome is one of the most common fantasies men have about women who are attracted to other women. It also isnt news to me that the husband probably wouldnt be too freaked out by it either, despite the suggestion being put forward initially that it might not be his cup of tea.
The theory that this then makes the opposite sex couple faithful to one another is a new one on me though.

The idea that just because someone is bisexual they are more likely to be comfortable with the suggestion of a threesome is something not all bisexuals are happy about.

No one is suggesting that bisexuals would be comfortbale with this course of action. I suggested that she talk to her husband about it to get his consent. Then they need to find someone that will be comfortable with it. It may well be a fantasy for men to sleep with two women and there is nothing wrong with that, but the fantasy ends for some of men when your wife(who has just come out as bi) gets involved and there is a chance for the fantasy to become a reality, there would be alot of self conscious issues there(e.g. "What if she enjoys it more with her etc".). So i repeat, in effect it may not be his cup of tea. If thats the case, they need to decide on what happens next - Stay together, break-up or revisit the issue in time.

Does it make the couple faithful to each other if this fantasy is acted out? Not in the conventional sense no, but each couple can decide there own level of faithfulness and if they are both sure, I see no harm. It happens all the time - Play together only.

Im not sure I get your issue with my original comment, other than me perhaps not spelling it out for you.

floggg · 10-11-2014 10:36am

Ambersky wrote: »

Easy on the assumptions there Chunners . You are making one inaccurate assumption after another about what I mean and where Im coming from and running with it.

Yes I know really really well and from experience after experience that this idea of a threesome is one of the most common fantasies men have about women who are attracted to other women. It also isnt news to me that the husband probably wouldnt be too freaked out by it either, despite the suggestion being put forward initially that it might not be his cup of tea.
The theory that this then makes the opposite sex couple faithful to one another is a new one on me though.

The idea that just because someone is bisexual they are more likely to be comfortable with the suggestion of a threesome is something not all bisexuals are happy about.

If something is done with the consent and knowledge of your spouse, then to me everybody concerned remains faithful.

Anyway, In this context it's the straight husbands views on threesome the are being raised. If the OP wants to explore sex with another woman, involving her husband might make it easier for him to accept - for many reasons aside from any fantasy of his. It may seem far less threatening to him if he is included, rather than being something done without him.

Since the OP is the one with desires to have sex with somebody outside of the marriage, she will have to compromise on what form that will take.

So if anybody should be taking offence here it's straight men, since it's his views of threesome which we are speculating on. I think they will get over it though.

And nobody said anything should be done against anybody will.

Neither the OP, her husband or the third party should be forced to do anything they don't like. So if they don't like the idea then there's no need for anything to be taken further.

But it is a very reasonable suggestion that they consider it, as allowing the OP to explore while possibly minimising the perceived threat to their relationship on the part of her husband. Certainly it would seem far more reasonable to most people than allowing their spouse have sex outside the relationship.

And Without risking being biphobic or some such, I would imagine that statistically a bisexual person would be more comfortable with a threesome - particularly where the third is of the same gender as them. To my mind, there seems to be far more in a MFF threesome for a bi woman than a straight woman.

That doesn't mean all or even a large majority would. Nobody said they would though. Im may well equalise with straight woman views on MMF threesome though.

Annasopra · 10-11-2014 11:56am

floggg wrote: »

And Without risking being biphobic or some such, I would imagine that statistically a bisexual person would be more comfortable with a threesome

To be honest I think that is going down the road of stereotypical assumptions about bi people that bi people might find offensive.

Ambersky · 10-11-2014 12:28pm

The OP said

my lesbian side has gone into a bit of overdrive after being emotionally locked up all these years i guess I am looking and thinking about women a lot.........my sexual thoughts are much more focused on women at the moment

The OP is trying to explore the way she relates to or could relate to women and this is the most important issue here.
A lot of focus so far has been on the husbands feelings and how a man in this situation might be made to feel happy about it.
The suggestion that the OP who is possibly bisexual might be able to find out how she relates to women by getting into a threesome was soon put forward.
Very little attention has been given to how the other woman that the OP might care for would be feeling, beyond her being willing to have sex. If the OP is going to relate to and care for other women the other womans point of view and how to approach other women is also going to have to be given more thought.

OP I would say to you that if you do want to explore your sexuality with a woman you will need to learn to relate to women and not through your husbands or any other mans fantasy. If you want to relate to another woman and find out how women actually are with one another that's different than how women relate to one another with a man around. So far you have referred to your lesbian side and thats the side Im referring to, if you just want sex with another woman and dont really care about other aspects of womens relating I personally think you will be going for a reduced experience, but an experience never the less. This would usually be the kind of sex we see in so called lesbian porn, with the women entertaining the man and which actual lesbians consider non representational.

Mens relationships with one another and womens relationships with one another are looked on differently socially and they have different problems. Womens relationships with one another are not respected in the way mens relationships with one another are. Most women who have sex with other women will have experienced men coming up to them asking for a threesome. Two women together are often seen as an opportunity for unusual sex with a man rather than being respected for what it is sex that actually involves two women . It can be very difficult for some men to see women as not being available to them and it is one of the main forms of harassment of lesbians . Most women who would go to womens gatherings would know that in order to respect the group of women they are with they do not come out with the line " My boyfriend would really like to join in". It is really not on and the thinking that bisexual women, statistically or not, would be more likely to behave like that is one reason some lesbians incorrectly view bisexual women in their company with suspicion.

Yes if you advertise on certain websites you will find women willing to have sex in threesomes these women are not necessarily bi lesbian or heterosexual and can ask for different conditions.
I dont know if that would satisfy you OP or not and I wouldnt like to think that just because you feel attracted to other women you would necessarily be more likely to be into threesomes. Other individuals who find themselves attracted to someone outside of the relationship they are in dont get the suggestion to start up a threesome as a way of resolving their dilemma as quickly as it is offered as a solution to a woman who thinks she may be attracted to other women.

As someone who does relate to women and have been in all kind of situations Im saying that I dont think you wont find out how women really relate to one another untill you are able to actually relate to another woman. Yes you can have a kind of sex certainly but you will never really know. Outside of those websites and perhaps meeting places, advances to procure another woman to have sex with you and your boyfriend could be met with cold shoulders and sometimes rejection from the group or even the premises if the man is hanging around picking out the woman he would like to share with you.

da_shivsta · 10-11-2014 3:41pm

Hi there.
I'm also bisexual, although I haven't much more than secondary school fumblings while a bit tipsy to go by, I know that I find women extremely attractive. I'm in a relationship with a man now for 3 years. He knows, most people I socialise with know because I tend to go in to overdrive when drunk and talk about it

My parents or my family - well I never felt the need to talk about any sexual experience with them so I don't plan on 'coming out.' If I'm in a relationship with a girl, and the time comes to introduce them all, then that's when I'll discuss it.

I can understand that it will be difficult for you in your marriage if you haven't had the opportunity to truly express your sexuality before entering that marriage. I'm not saying this is a phase (by no means) but it might mean you feeling unsatisfied in the long run. I would definitely look in to your options in expressing yourself - even just a night out at a gay bar or something. Include your husband, if he wants.

neglit · 23-11-2014 3:42am

I think that if you find both genders attractive and your partner finds women attractive then maybe try and explore your sexuality together in a gay bar and find another female bisexual or maybe another couple in the same situation.
i'm not just your average male. I'm a male that is in the situation of your partner so please don't just ignore me, my girlfriend of 8 years whom with i have 2 children with and is bi sexual and I am open to her preferences as long as she doesn't do anything out of my comfort zone.
Find out what he feels comfortable with and advance on that.
It might be extremely difficult but but try to talk to him about what he is open to and what he is not comfortable with and it might open a whole new world with him and improve your relationship.

neglit · 23-11-2014 3:49am

I think that if you find both genders attractive and your partner finds women attractive then maybe try and explore your sexuality together in a gay bar and find another female bisexual or maybe another couple in the same situation.
i'm not just your average male. I'm a male that is in the situation of your partner so please don't just ignore me, my girlfriend of 8 years whom with i have 2 children with and is bi-sexual and I am open to her preferences as long as she doesn't do anything out of my comfort zone.

Find out what he feels comfortable with and advance on that.
It might be extremely difficult but but try to talk to him about what he is open to and what he is not comfortable with and it might open a whole new world with him and improve your relationship.

If he isnt open to it and only has eyes for you and no member of the male of female sex, and you love him so much that you have suppressed your feeling for so long just to stay with him then maybe that is the best way to go.

fulfill your same sex desires through porn maybe (nothing wrong with that) to satisfy your physical needs on a female to female level and have him as your male sexual needs and also your emotional needs.

my girlfriend doesn't mind me watching porn and im not bothered by her watching it as long as she doesnt do anything with another human without checking if its ok with me or not

hope this helped from a male perspective of the situation your partner is in.

Regards

Coming out Bi

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