Girlfriend gone crazy or does she have a point

zoey · 02-07-2008 8:15pm

adviced2345 wrote: »

He made it clear that he didn't want to move in with her. She's not stupid, reconsidering it August was just that 'reconsidering' and now she's looking for anyway possible to make it happen.

The thing is he didn't make it clear. If someone told me they didn't like the idea at the moment but yea they were open to further discussion then I would think exactly that- after taking a while to think, he might have changed his mind. However he didn't take the agreed time to think and has admitted he had no notion of reconsidering so why not just say that in the first place!!

I don't feel it's fair that the OP's girlfriend is threatening to finish just because he won't move in with her- he has every right not to and I would actually agree that 2 years may be a bit too soon but it's how he went about it, giving her false hope is what i would be upset about in the OP's Girlfriens situation. I feel if he admits to her that he was wrong to do this and he is sorry(if he is) then she should be able to move on from this and accept he is not ready yet.

vorbis · 02-07-2008 8:25pm

People keep bringing up this point that I was "using" my girlfriend. Had my friends not asked me to move in with them, it was still pretty unlikely I would have moved in with her. I would have just found a room somewhere. I've lived with strangers several times and have no problems with it.

My issue now is the fact that she's still down / upset about this situation. Its the longest argument we've had so far. As other people said, I would have understood being upset for a few days. But now its getting to like where to go from here?? It seems bizarre that this could well lead to a break up.

LegacyUser · 02-07-2008 9:04pm

So you told your girlfriend that you would discuss moving in with her in August and then your friends asked you to move in with them.

You're fine up to that point BUT

at that point you should have told your girlfriend that your mates had asked you and you thought that was the best option for now because you really aren't ready to move in with her.

You shouldn't have gone and looked at places til you had told her where your head was at with respect to moving in with her. It's one thing to say to your friends that you like the idea of moving in together, but it's another to act on it and go looking at places.

That's what I'd be annoyed about.
It shows a level of immaturity and an unwillingness to act responsibly and be straight with people even if you know they won't react well.

You didn't give her a chance to find out why you don't want to move in together or for her to make suggestions. You didn't even have the respect to tell her you'd changed your plans.

SarahSassy · 02-07-2008 9:33pm

vorbis wrote: »

People keep bringing up this point that I was "using" my girlfriend. Had my friends not asked me to move in with them, it was still pretty unlikely I would have moved in with her. I would have just found a room somewhere. I've lived with strangers several times and have no problems with it.

Well you should have grown a pair of balls and told her out straight....

SarahSassy · 02-07-2008 9:36pm

vorbis wrote: »

My issue now is the fact that she's still down / upset about this situation. Its the longest argument we've had so far. As other people said, I would have understood being upset for a few days. ut now its getting to like where to go from here?? It seems bizarre that this could well lead to a break up.

Its not bizarre... Between your moods and this I think it could be the straw that breaks the camels back... A lot of women, myself included, can be flexible and loving and patient with their boyfriends TO A POINT and for me if they push it beyond that then the relationship seriously suffers... This sounds like a similar scenario... You have pushed too far this time.. IMHO, petty moods are selfish and self indulgent while in a relationship and this latest behaviour was also selfish. Maybe she has had enough....

vorbis · 02-07-2008 10:16pm

I'm regretting ever mentioning the fact that I was moody at the START of the relationship. She has undoubtedly had more moody moments over the past YEAR! SarahSassy you make it sound like I'm being moody every second week. You may have experienced that before but its not what is happening in my relationship.

And I DID tell her straight originally. My mistake was to think she knew what I meant when I said sure we can talk about it again in August. I thought I was being polite in the same way that companies who don't want to hire you tell you that they have decided to look at more candidates but we'll keep you in mind.

Had I realised that she put such store in "reconsidering" in August, I would have been a lot more direct. I'd like some advice on what to do if she stays upset about this. Instead people seem fixated with the idea that I admitted! to being moody for a time period.

SarahSassy · 02-07-2008 10:23pm

8 to 10 months is not the start - its approx half of your relationship...

Honesty would have nipped this in the bud at the start....

SS

BTW your last post sounds hmmmmmmmmmm moody and snotty.

vorbis · 02-07-2008 10:27pm

Gawd, exactly as I said, a fixation.
If you want a timeline
0 - 6 months me being moody
7 - 10 months things generally fine
10ish months on her starting to get upset about small stuff

I don't think I can put it more clearly than that. Of course, i wasn't moody all the time and neither was my girlfriend.
Just outlining periods where I could tell things had changed.

Honestly, SarahSassy I've found all of your posts are bitchy and self righteous. You have no interest in addressing any of my questions and just want to make cheap shots.

Chinafoot · 02-07-2008 11:05pm

I have to say I'm amazed at the amount of people who think she is being over the top by saying that maybe they should break up. The guy doesn't want to live with her, he hurt her badly by not being up front with her (being poilte...she's your girlfriend ffs!) and she's understandably wondering where the relationship is going. She is probably very aware of the fact that they both want different things so it's completely reasonable for her to consider ending things in that case. It's not emotional blackmail at all.

Talliesin · 03-07-2008 12:17am

vorbis wrote: »

Gee, thats some detective work there.

No, it's national-school level English comprehension.

vorbis wrote: »

By four "main" events, I mean just that. Four times where I either took a joke the wrong way or sulked over something minor.

And what else apart from the "main" events. Are you saying that you meant "only" when you said "main"? Because otherwise it means there was more than this. "Main" is a word that entails something other than what is main.

How far did you take a joke the wrong way? What do you mean by sulk? For how long?

vorbis wrote: »

She asked if we could talk about it again in August. In my opinion, agreeing to that was just being polite.

Short of greeting people with racial epithets, there isn't much less polite than promising to do something related to something important (by the other person's measure of importance) and then not doing it.

I'm not saying the blame is all yours and yours alone. I do though think it sounds like there's the possibility that "going crazy" (to use your own expression) is something that is coming from each of you. If this is the case then it's also possible that the two of you would make each other worse.

b3t4 · 03-07-2008 1:06am

vorbis wrote: »

She pressed the issue about talking about it again and I'll admit I should have not agreed with that.

Right, so we've established, and you agree, that your girlfriend does in fact have a point.

As I said, I was thinking about moving in with my girlfriend next year. I told her this but it doesn't seem to be enough.

She is entitled to be unhappy about waiting a further year to move in with her partner. You are equally as entitled to be unhappy to move in together in September. The relationship is at an inpass if ye cannot come to an understanding about this.

My advise, go to a location that is neutral to both of you, sit down and talk this out, laying all the cards on the table so to speak. She can voice her concerns and you can voice your concerns over her reaction.

Information is what you need here to get past this, so sit down and talk!

A

SarahSassy · 03-07-2008 8:39pm

vorbis wrote: »

Gawd, exactly as I said, a fixation.
If you want a timeline
0 - 6 months me being moody
7 - 10 months things generally fine
10ish months on her starting to get upset about small stuff

I don't think I can put it more clearly than that. Of course, i wasn't moody all the time and neither was my girlfriend.
Just outlining periods where I could tell things had changed.

Honestly, SarahSassy I've found all of your posts are bitchy and self righteous. You have no interest in addressing any of my questions and just want to make cheap shots.

No my dear, at the end of the day you are trying to blame someone else for something which has been entirely ****ed up by yourself. Look at the percentage of posters who think your GF has a point.... You made this mess and to be frank I could not care less if she ever spoke to you again but my comment stands - you posts come across as moody and snotty... God love her.

dr.bollocko · 03-07-2008 8:41pm

Ixnay on the anky thread cray

Wibbs · 03-07-2008 8:48pm

dr. bollocko. Off topic stuff doesn't fly around here. Thanks.

dr.bollocko · 03-07-2008 8:52pm

Sorry. I just meant that this thread is devolving rapidly into one that is unhelpful to the OP due to the cranky nature of the replies.
I think that, as I said in my original post, it might just be best to actually look at the future of the relationship objectively and see if it has any hope of survival at all, and if the OP thinks it does then compromise a little, and if not, just move on.
Nothing really more to say.

Ickle Magoo · 03-07-2008 9:08pm

vorbis wrote: »

....My mistake was to think she knew what I meant when I said sure we can talk about it again in August. I thought I was being polite in the same way that companies who don't want to hire you tell you that they have decided to look at more candidates but we'll keep you in mind....

You thought your girlfriend of a year and a half would assume you were just being polite & had no real intention of moving in with her any time soon when she asked about the future of your relationship and the start of a possible life together?

I think you need to sit down together and learn to communicate exactly what you want & exactly what your expectations are. She needs to do the same & then see if you have a relationship to move on with in whatever capacity you are both happy with & clear on. Of course you are perfectly within your rights to say it's too soon for you but to answer your question, yes, I think she has a point if she is seriously considering whether you are going to be part of her future & no, I don't think she's mad for doing that.

Just as an aside, I've learnt that one the first signs I exhibit when a partner is soon to be an ex is getting all stroppy & everything about them annoying me, I wouldn't assume she's being a crazy woman. Sorry.

vorbis · 04-07-2008 7:35am

Well, things are still pretty bad. We talked on the phone today. She seems to believe I should do something nice for her, buy her flowers, take her out to dinner etc. to show that I love her. It reeks of manipulation to me. I normally have no problem with doing nice things. When things are going well, we'd eat out at least 3 times a week on average. We've gone traveling together etc.

We've never had an argument before where she's actually said "Do something nice and we'll stop fighting". At this stage, I think she is either engineering a breakup or getting some really faulty advice from a friend. I thought she knew me better than to play these type of games.

Icke Magoo, no offense but aren't women supposed to be better at subtle communication? I originally told her explicitly that I thought September would be too soon. My mistake was agreeing to her multiple requests that we'd talk about it again in August. I would have said 80% of people would have come away from that conversation thinking I wasn't going to move in.

MagicMarker · 04-07-2008 7:46am

Her telling you to do somethng nice it a little bit cheeky tbh!

BUT! You were in the wrong in the first place so maybe you should have already done something nice as an apology?

Trinity · 04-07-2008 8:11am

I had a huge reply typed yesterday but it disappeared

Look I think the reason some people are being harsh is because you are still missing the point.

How would you feel if you proposed and she said no?

I can only guess how she is feeling but i would say she is feeling rejected.

Moving in, and forward in a relationship shows sign of commitment and for some, not all, it can be the ultimate proof of love. Its not that you wont move in but that you wont move forward and she is possibly thinking more of the long term implications of your refusal.

How did your chat go the last time in regards to moving in?

Did you have an indepth conversation about why its too soon but explain that you love her and see a future with her?

You should sit down and have another chat and actually have a good think first about what it is you want from this girl long term. If its nothing then you have to tell her that.

But go into the conversation having put herself in her shoes for 5 minutes, and drop the I and ME side of things.

There is no such thing as subtle communication in matters of the heart, you have to be brutally honest, be cruel to be kind more or less or you end up hurting people more in the long run by giving them false hope or letting them get the wrong idea.

In regards to breaking up, she could be considering it. She has already compromised by giving you more time to think about it.

Its not about manipulation. When people want different things from relationships something or someone has to give. We have stressed there is nothing wrong with you not wanting to move in, but we have also made it clear there is nothing wrong with her wanting to move in. So unless you can reach a compromise somewhere then i dont know if you have a future.

But again ask yourself how you would feel if you proposed and she said no, maybe next year. Would you question her love for you?

PurpleBerry · 04-07-2008 9:49am

vorbis wrote: »

She seems to believe I should do something nice for her, buy her flowers, take her out to dinner etc. to show that I love her. It reeks of manipulation to me.

It sounds like both of you want the other person to be something they're not. She wants you to be romantic, win her back and say "I was stupid, let's move in" and, correct me if I'm wrong, that's just not you.

You want her to be a lot cooler about these things, turn to you and say "No, it was me who overreacted, we're not ready to move in together yet. I should've seen that." But she's as likely to change as you are. She needs commitment. It's not her fault that she needs it, just like it's not your fault that you can't give it.

What you need to decide is can you compromise?
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WilmaRidesAgain · 04-07-2008 2:53pm

"My mistake was agreeing to her multiple requests that we'd talk about it again in August. I would have said 80% of people would have come away from that conversation thinking I wasn't going to move in"

Look, she has you bang to rights, you can argue back and forth "you thought she thought you meant no when you said maybe etc etc" and all that [EMAIL="cr@pulence"]cr@pulence[/EMAIL] but you know full well you misled her and so does she.....

The problem is now the goalposts have moved and she is on shaky soil, where once she could trust ya, she is now not so sure....

You were wrong to give her false hope (and a bit arrogant too) she is wrong to be now demanding presents or whatever she is up to, but to be fair she could have binned ya for this one, so if you love the girl I'd suck it up for the moment. Doesn't mean your setting a precedent.

For what its worth in future make yourself clear and forget about "politeness" -it has not served you well.

eveie · 04-07-2008 4:58pm

i was in the same suituation about a yr ago. i was going out with my bf for abour a yr and a half and he wanted us to move in together, at first i said yes(should be stated here that he was a control freak and extremly moody) i obviouslt retracted my answer and he was not impressed. honestly if you are not ready to move in with her just tell her straught if she really loves you she's understand.
i do not understand why so many people are so quick to move in with each other.

mags16 · 04-07-2008 5:19pm

Vorbis, I don't think you are looking at the issue from your girlfriend's point of view. If you have so little empathy for her at this early stage, what can the future hold?

She feels hurt and rejected. It has probably become obvious to her that you two want different things from this relationship.

If I were you I'd ask myself some serious questions about the future of this relationship.

Sit down with her and be honest.

Ickle Magoo · 04-07-2008 8:32pm

vorbis wrote: »

Icke Magoo, no offense but aren't women supposed to be better at subtle communication? I originally told her explicitly that I thought September would be too soon. My mistake was agreeing to her multiple requests that we'd talk about it again in August. I would have said 80% of people would have come away from that conversation thinking I wasn't going to move in.

No offense taken & I hope you won't take any here because it may sound a bit blunt & unfriendly - I don't mean it that way, I'm just trying to give you a bit of an insight into what she may be thinking & why because it sounds like you honestly don't think you did anything worthy of puting your gf's nose out of joint.

I obviously can't speak for all women but despite any notoriety with regards to subtle communication, when it comes to the love of my life/long term partner I don't expect him to skirt around an issue as monumental as us moving in together in the hope I get the hint & nor do I expect him to say "maybe" just to appease me or for an easy life. If he said he thought it would be too soon & I ask him to reconsider & he agrees to reconsider in a few months then I take him at his word.

If I find out he had no intention of doing that then I have to ask myself why he said he would & why he couldn't just be honest about his feelings & his plans for the future & before too long I'm feeling duped & rejected and questioning his motives.

If you think some kind of minor gesture to apologise for making her feel that way & which may go a little way to repairing the damage to her trust in you & in your relationship is just her manipulating you then I think you two are worlds apart in your whole way of thinking about your relationship.

Girlfriend gone crazy or does she have a point

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