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Coming to terms with being alone for what could be a long time

  • 08-06-2013 8:47pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I'm 38, female and I've been single for just over 6 months now. I was in 2 relationships for many years and the last one was on and off for a couple of years but I finished it last year as it was going nowhere.

    Due to my age I feel like I'll probably be single for a good while if not forever and I need to know how to come to terms with this completely. I'm fine with being single right now (apart from the celibacy, I DO NOT enjoy that at all!!) but I'd prefer to not be single forever. I think once you're over a certain age in this country you can kinda forget it. I'm not into online dating (can't stand the thoughts of it) so I'm not doing anything to find someone. I get on great with men and def think they are attracted to me...its just that they are all unavailable (in my workplace at least).

    I'm pretty happy 90% of the time but sometimes I can get a bit low during that other 10% of the time and feel lonely (hate to admit that).

    So how do I get past this? Does it get better with time? I'm still only kinda newly single.


Comments

  • #2
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    I was in your shoes a few years back after a relationship ended. I was in pieces. I decided to give up on the thoughts if ever meeting someone and more especially ever having kids and in a way I mourned both. It was hard but you know it freed ne. If I met a guy, I didn't care if he was good settling down or father material, I just figured out if I liked him. It removed a lot of pressure and I had the time of my life. There was no time pressure on any relationship. I think my attitude must have been evident as I never had more dates in my life and then out of the blue Mr right came along.

    There are no guarantees you will meet someone but you can manage your expectations and enjoy your single time. I have a small baby now and would love some of the time I had then back but that's not a complaint either.

    Enjoy where you are at, try not to worry and try not to force it.


  • #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Have you heard of meetup.com? They have numerous groups for single people and some aimed specifically for the 30s/40s age bracket. I know you're not into online dating but this has a more casual feel to it. Just people wanting to meet others in the same position.


  • #4
    wallycharlo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 344 ✭✭wallycharlo


    being_alone wrote: »
    ...I'm not into online dating (can't stand the thoughts of it)...

    OP, may I ask what it is that has you so anti online dating? Have you had a bad experience in the past?

    I know that it can be hit and miss due to the nature of it, but there are still quite a few decent people using such sites.


  • #5
    YumCha
    Closed Accounts Posts: 519 ✭✭✭YumCha


    If you'd prefer not to be single then don't be!

    There aren't any rules around when people stop dating - however you seem to be convinced that there are. Your age won't keep you single forever, but refusing to do anything proactive to meet people will.

    As other posters have pointed out - you don't have to do online dating. There's meetup.com, or even other internet forums if you have a particular special interest/hobby.

    On the other hand, if you do want to be single then yes, there will still be times when you feel down (90% vs 10% seems a pretty okay ratio). Things that have worked for me are generally keeping busy, doing things I've always wanted to do (but have kept putting off), travel, joining a sports team, going to lots of free events/talks, and sometimes there isn't anything to do except watch romantic comedies in fluffy pjs and bawl!


  • #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    wallycharlo wrote: »
    OP, may I ask what it is that has you so anti online dating? Have you had a bad experience in the past?

    I know that it can be hit and miss due to the nature of it, but there are still quite a few decent people using such sites.

    I have to admit that I probably have a very narrow minded view of online dating and I think its all very desperate and depressing and someone once said on here that for some men its like a kid in a candy shop and some of the guys are dating several women at once and I wouldn't fancy that. I don't want to be one of many.

    I have tried meetup to meet female friends but honestly most of them had a lot of baggage and I seem to have the face of a counsellor and was pretty much a shoulder to cry on for the evening. No fun at all !!

    The advice from CaraMay is pretty good and I think I do overall have an attitude of whatever happens happens and I def don't feel any panic marriage or kids wise.

    Thanks YumCha....90% vs 10% is a good ratio. Of course it is !!

    I feel like I do have a lot to offer someone and the years are going by quite quickly and its kind of a waste.


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  • #7
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    OP, I wish I had had that attitude from age 21 as I would have saved a lot of time wasted with guys who I were trying to make 'the one'. There are no guarantees with any relationship. You can be with someone 40 years and break up. i think what happened was that I gave up my big expectations i.e. babies and a ring and judged them on how much I liked them and how they treated me. It does make you freer as you dont need a man then. You just want to be with someone you like and who you want to spend time with.


  • #8
    ash23
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,791 ✭✭✭ash23


    being_alone wrote: »
    I'm pretty happy 90% of the time but sometimes I can get a bit low during that other 10% of the time and feel lonely (hate to admit that).

    So how do I get past this? Does it get better with time? I'm still only kinda newly single.

    I always put it in perspective by recalling that when I was in a relationship I was happy 90% of the time and 10% of the time I longed to be single.

    I think that shows me that I'm pretty happy with life either way. I can do being single and I can relationships. I'll adapt to either pretty well and I can see positives and negatives to both.
    However I won't write anything off. I don't assume I'll be single forever, nor do I assume I'll meet someone, fall in love and get married.
    All I DO know is what is happening in my life right now, in the present, and I make the most of that.

    Don't get bogged down in what might or might not happen. None of us know where we'll be in a week, never mind a year or two or ten.


  • #9
    The Corinthian
    Closed Accounts Posts: 19,777 ✭✭✭✭The Corinthian


    being_alone wrote: »
    Due to my age I feel like I'll probably be single for a good while if not forever and I need to know how to come to terms with this completely. I'm fine with being single right now (apart from the celibacy, I DO NOT enjoy that at all!!) but I'd prefer to not be single forever. I think once you're over a certain age in this country you can kinda forget it.
    Don't be ridiculous - and I mean that in a nice way.

    People don't just stop having relationships because they reach 40; all they do is change their priorities as the lemming-like rush to 'settle down' and start a family, which is your thirties, comes to a close.

    Personally, I think it a far healthier approach to relationships as you choose to be with someone organically and because of who they are, rather than the tick boxes on a check-list to see if they are suitable or compatible (and fertile), while always fervently keeping an eye on the biological clock.

    You are going to meet someone new; it's inevitable. Of course, it may not mean that they're going to be The One in the long run, but you'll still meet them, fall in love and be together - maybe for a few months, years or for the rest of your lives. You'll be fine as long as you don't give up on yourself.

    As for the celibacy; why don't you go on-line and do exactly what some of these men you mention are doing? What's good for the gander is good for the goose, after all.


  • #10
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    The Corinthian wrote: »
    You are going to meet someone new; it's inevitable. Of course, it may not mean that they're going to be The One in the long run, but you'll still meet them, fall in love and be together - maybe for a few months, years or for the rest of your lives. You'll be fine as long as you don't give up on yourself.

    As for the celibacy; why don't you go on-line and do exactly what some of these men you mention are doing? What's good for the gander is good for the goose, after all.

    Wow, thats all very wow.

    I def won't give up on myself. I've actually improved myself so much since I've been single and accomplished more than I ever did when I was in a relationship. This has given me more confidence in myself.

    I very much like the goose and gander stuff. Thats the best idea I've seen in ages. Sounds like a plan ;-)


  • #11
    Emme
    Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    being_alone wrote: »
    Wow, thats all very wow.

    I def won't give up on myself. I've actually improved myself so much since I've been single and accomplished more than I ever did when I was in a relationship. This has given me more confidence in myself.

    I very much like the goose and gander stuff. Thats the best idea I've seen in ages. Sounds like a plan ;-)

    It's good and might help boost your self-confidence in the short run but in the long run might be soul-destroying. Some of the guys on dating sites have a lot of baggage and might well be attached. It's like this - a reasonable single guy of any age should have no problem meeting women face-to-face for anything he wants. Those on dating sites may have something to hide, like a wife or partner. So if you do internet dating, tread very carefully.

    I'm shocked to hear about your Meetup experiences. Maybe you need to join different groups. I presume you're joining groups for both genders and not women-only groups. Don't give up - try one or two of the bigger groups which have a mix of Irish and international people. The daytime events or meals are good for one-to-one chats but you might get stuck talking to one person. The evening or nightlife events are good if you want to talk to a number of different people.


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  • #12
    wallycharlo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 344 ✭✭wallycharlo


    Emme wrote: »
    ...It's like this - a reasonable single guy of any age should have no problem meeting women face-to-face for anything he wants...

    It's much easier for younger people to meet potential partners in 'face-to-face' scenarios, and the internet has given those who are pushing on an excellent option what was not open to them before this.

    It's a pity that it's getting a bad rep in some quarters, as it tends to mask the success stories. Many people I know (including myself) have met their long term partners over the internet. In many cases there are people who would never have been brought together without cyberspace. Sure, you need to thread carefully, but that's the inherent nature of the web, just as one needs to thread carefully when buying something online, tweeting, or even posting on a forum.


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